I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I love being a SAHM mom, I do. But Shane's reflux is still so bad, he doesn't nap well, still doesn't sleep through the night at 4.5 months and my DH who I love and is a wonderful amazing father, isn't much help to me since he works all the time. I find myself running into the bathroom to cry I'm just so exhausted. I don't have "help". My mom comes once a week most of the time but only for 3 hours and it's more of a social visit than to help me. My MIL comes every other week or so, for a few hours, she'll watch DS while I do laundry or if I want to take a nap which helps, but as soon as she's gone it's back to same.

DS is just so high maintenance with his reflux, he's on meds which helps with the pain, but he still spits up buckets. His gastro assures me it just is what it is and I have to get through and he should grow out of it by a year. I'm just thinking...a year!?!?! I don't know if I can deal with this for another 7 months or so. I hate taking him places because he spits up all over everything and everyone, and then everyone gives me a pity look, or tells me how bad they feel for me. I HATE that. HATE it. I don't want you to feel bad for me (even though I guess that's what this sounds like, it's not), I just want to feel comfortable going places with him and for it to not be as hard, with cleaning up after him so much. I just want people to just...understand I guess....he spits up, but he's fine, don't pity me. It makes me feel embarrassed for my son and I HATE feeling that way. I'm not embarrassed by him, I love him and I think he's amazing, he's just....needy.

He's also so super gassy all the time, another thing his gastro says is just a byproduct of his GI tract, no matter what I eat or don't eat. So he's uncomfortable alot. So another thing that my friends and family see all the time is this constantly spitting up gassy baby who seems to be miserable alot. But the thing is he's not miserable all the time. I wish they'd come over and see him when we're at home or at the park....he's such a happy baby, he smiles all the time and laughs and loves to play. He's wonderful. But god forbid anyone come visit me because we live in the city...I have to go to everyone else because apparently people in my life can't cross a bridge. So all they see is my little Shane, in unfamiliar surroundings, getting refluxy with a mom who's on edge that her DS is going to spit up all over someone's couch and it's not going to come off....know what I'm saying??

DH comes home from work and is utterly exhausted and although I'm tired too...I feel like I have to still do the bulk of DS's care because he can't handle it. He'll come home and grab him and play for a few minutes while I finish getting dinner together, but then DS is back to me while DH "relaxes" on the couch. When do I get to relax!?!? Am I dreaming (be honest) that my relaxing days are over as a SAHM??? I guess I just feel like although DH is a wonderful father to DS, he's not being a great partner to me. Yet I struggle with the fact that he's the one "going to work" so maybe I need to suck it up.

I'm still EBFing so I'm the one who get up during the night with Shane, not him. Which I don't mind, i don't...but I'm so tired...and....it just never ends..... I feed him all day, and I'm not looking to change from EBFing, it just sometimes gets overwhelming, sometimes I feel like he's literally sucking the life out of me, and then I feel guilty for just thinking that. It's like I'm stuck, but they're choices I've made, I know that, I just have to make the best of them I guess. I know I'm not any different or special than any other SAHM moms, I guess I just needed to vent on here to people who understand and don't look at me with me pity or as a whiner. Thanks for listening if you got this far!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I was there a few months ago with my younger DD...she had severe reflux and a milk/soy allergy...have you tried eliminating dairy and soy from your diet? That was the ped. GI's first suggestion. I couldn't maintain that diet well enough for my DD's allergy,so I switched her to Neocate and its been a godsend. She did grow out of her reflux pretty much at 7 months...I even took her off of the meds. It will get better, I promise! I would talk to your DH and explain that you need help and some "you" time. I have had to do this with my DH many times, and he might finally be getting it...I hope.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I just wanted to say

I'm going to FM you later when I get Lexi down for a nap

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

First,

My DS (6 mos.) is a reflux kid too and I have had the same thoughts as well. I hate bringing him places where I will have to feed him for fear that hes going to throw a fit and not eat, or vomitt all over the place, both of which have happened tons of times.

Have you described all this to DH? Maybe if he hears it from you then he will help out a bit more, even if he just holds DS while he is relaxing on the couch. That would give you a little time to yourself!


Just take it day by day and know that it will get better!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I reallywish I had magical words of advice for you, I don't but I can tell you your not alone and your feelings are normal and I can truly say that this stage will end. It will!

Things dont neccesarily get easier, they just change and get different, and each stage for each child is different. We have had some really great stages and some really awful ones.

Being a SAHM is TOUGH. I will admit I thought it would be a LOT easier then this, I really did. Basically you are never alone, never on your own or able to think on your own for more then a few moments and it can really take a lot out of you.....but there will be moments where you wouldnt replace it for anything else in the world. Those moments will come!

HAng in there. Vent away , hopefully the BTDT moms will have advice.

I know my son had reflux too and it was difficult to go out sometimes, but I did, I had to, I couldnt stand being in the house.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I can't say I know how you feel because DD doesn't have reflux, but wanted to send you lots of .

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

It is hard. You will need to remind DH that even though he works, he still needs to help out. DH was the same until I explain to him that I had no time alone at all every single day. Why don't you try to introduce a bottle and have DH feed him once at night. This way you can have one large block of time to sleep.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I can understand where you are coming from. While i'm not EBF'ing - asking Dave to get up to take a feeding is not an option - he works 12 hour days, 3 days a week and every weekend as well (not 12 hours then - but still). He's on his feet, working for those 12 hours - not sitting at a desk, etc... I feel HORRIBLE asking him to help out because i know what his day at work is like...

would it be a help if i came by for a few hours and helped? even if it's just to sit there and cry WITH you...sincerely. you are NOT alone in this - i'm not far away...let's get together and have a pity party - and then we'll pick up the pieces and ROCK OUT and realize that we're not along and we're stronger than we think we really are....

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Is there any way you can go somewhere for a day and have DH watch DC? I have been on maternity leave since march and about two weeks ago I had to be away from home for several hours. My DH had to watch my son alone. When I came home DH told me he didn't realize what I did all day and how hard it was. He has been more helpful since then and I felt more appreciated. Good luck.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My son had horrible reflux and was EBF for his first 13 weeks. He groaned all the time, spit up, was miserable etc. I went totally off dairy and that didn't even help. he ended up having to go on amino acid formula and NEVER spits up or has really any gastro issues. We then had him allergy tested and he is allergic to peanut, pear, apple and dairy. Have you considered food allergy?

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I haven't given birth yet, but just wanted to offer some I hope you can find a solution or some peace

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I just want to give you some

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you're a great mom and DS is lucky to have you!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

DS has reflux too though he's generally happy. He wears a bib 24/7 though b/c he covers both of us in spit up. He'll spit up a lot even hours after I nurse him. DS is 6.5 months old and doesn't STTN either. It's tough waking up several times a night to nurse him. Part of me has gotten used to it, but there are other days where I'm so exhausted and have a hard time functioning at work.

Try not to worry about what other people think. I really hope it gets easier for you soon.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

oh my goodness Alissa, i had no idea you were having this much trouble with his reflux.

I want to of course send you hugs and is it possible that you can ask dh to maybe skip 2 nights of relaxing time (To start) and let you have some mommy time to maybe go for a walk alone, get your nails done, or go upstairs and take a nap?

Dh and i had to work through that in the beginning. he was coming home and he was exhausted, but so was i- i wanted and needed a break. we figured it out.

you will too!!

GL!!!!!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I totally understand---I am a SAHM, my DS was colicky, DH works a ton and I dealt with the brunt of the night wakings as I was EBF as well.
Its hard, but it does get better-----for me it was tough to talk to DH bc I didn't want to 'complain' about being home, I know how lucky I am and how hard he works, but at the same point your DH won't know what you are going thru unless you tell him. Its good to vent and get it out, so you know you are definitely not alone in this!
As far as the relaxing goes, I would make a deal with your DH---one morning on a day he has off when your DS gets up he can bring him to you to nurse, then he is in charge of him while you go back to sleep until the next feeding. It didn't always work out, but man, those mornings I could just sleep in and try to catch up a little on sleep were great.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

My DD also had severe reflux since she came home from the hospital. I wasn't able to BF though I did pump for 2 months. When we switched to formula, it didn't make a difference- she still spit up anyway! We put her on meds and it didn't work either. She was the spit up queen! At almost 9 months, she is never without a bib- EVER! You never know when it may happen, but it has gotten remarkably better over the past few months. I would take her everywhere and warn anyone who wanted to hold her, that she was a puke machine. We always had a burp cloth tucked under her chin on top of the bib which also helped immensely! If you need to get out and socialize, feel free to FM me. I live in Suffolk and I have no qualms about babies puking on my couch! Microfiber is your friend!!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

First

Second I have only been a SAHM for 6+ weeks but I can say working was easier from this standpoint alone...I could sit at my desk and relax without anyone bothering me for more than 5 minutes! I could have a bagel in the AM in peace. My first week home I said to my MIL when do I get 5 minutes to myself and DS is 18 months old and takes good naps but I remember being home when that wasnt teh case and it was HARD!

Next as the mom of a kid who spit up every bottle, from first sip until first sip of hte next (a happy spitter as they say - he would spit up 3 minutes into his bottle as well as 3 hours after his bottle) He was constantly spitting up, my 16 yo niece got it the worse - down the front of her shirt!!! I used to warn everyone who wanted to touch him! But I honestly never thought much of it, I just accepted it and if anyone made a comment I just said ahh eventually he will grow out of it, its not an issue as he is happy and growing fine! And by about 8 months he stopped / slowed down! The ped said once he started spending more of his day sitting than laying it would start to taper and I think by 9 months it was completely gone. So there is hope!

My only advice on the DH front is to talk to him and explain it plainly! Tell him exactly how you feel and if he doesnt get it, tell him you want him to take 1 day off and spend the whole day as DS's caretaker while you are not home. When DS was first born I went to work FT while my ILs watched DS . THere was a day they couldnt watch him and I couldnt take off, so DH had to take off. Well I came home to a DH who totally appreciated my role as MOM. And every so often I do that again, if DH seems less than appreciative of me - although now just for a few hours and he gets it!

Finally, look into a mother's helper...or a sitter so you can get a few hours here and there! Someone who can either watch the baby while you run errands or take a nap etc. Or even someone who just takes him for a walk while you enjoy a nice cup of coffee. You are not super woman and you dont have to be, none of us are! Ask for help..or find it somehow before you lose your mind!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

mine was such a hard infant too...my life was put on hold as he had to be held for the first 8 mos of his life.

such an easy toddler now though.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I am so sorry you are going through this.. and I don't mean this as pity. It sucks to be feeling so miserable at the same time you are feeling so much love for your little man.

I live in Queens (and bridges don't scare me!) and work only 3 days a week. If you ever need someone to give you a break - I am happy to volunteer!

Good Luck!
Patricia

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I just want to offer I am a SAHM too and it is definitely very hard, especially without any help.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

Thanks so much for your support ladies!! It means so much just to have people who get it. I'm just getting back on here now since posting this yesterday, it was one of those days...anyway....

To answer one of the questions, he has been tested for milk allergies and other stuff, all came back negative, but his gastro said that the proteins still might irritate him a little so I have been dairy free myself for awhile. It suucks, but what are you gonna do? Other than that, I just deal like always. I just wish other people in my life would deal, but whatever.

Thanks so much for the FMs, they mean so much, I will get back today I promise!!

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

hey there!

im so sorry to hear that you are going thru this


but i went thru the same thing with DS plus he was colic for 6mths! I was told that the reflux should end around 6mths or so. I had DS on Prevacid and at around 5mths I started weaning him off of it. I also put rice cereal in his formula and that helped alot! as for the gas, I went thru eery single bottle on the market and I found the bottle of my dreams! its from playtex. this cured DS of his gas the minute I started using this bottle.

I sympathize with you, i went thru this for the first 6mths and it was not easy I thought I was going to lose my mind. but it does get better. speak to ur ped about the cereal in the bottle and try out the bottle!

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3247621

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

Posted by njbound07

hey there!

im so sorry to hear that you are going thru this


but i went thru the same thing with DS plus he was colic for 6mths! I was told that the reflux should end around 6mths or so. I had DS on Prevacid and at around 5mths I started weaning him off of it. I also put rice cereal in his formula and that helped alot! as for the gas, I went thru eery single bottle on the market and I found the bottle of my dreams! its from playtex. this cured DS of his gas the minute I started using this bottle.

I sympathize with you, i went thru this for the first 6mths and it was not easy I thought I was going to lose my mind. but it does get better. speak to ur ped about the cereal in the bottle and try out the bottle!

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3247621

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I felt the same at that point--I had no help from family, and we had moved to a new town so I had no friends here either. My friends aren't impossibly far away, but they all work during the day, so I was completely isolated except seeing DH at night, plus it was winter so I didn't even meet my neighbors till later. DS had colic, no reflux, but he was gassy and uncomfortable a lot. In his case, I think he got overstimulated easily as well. So it was a hard time, and DH wasn't always as helpful as I would have liked.

His colic started to disappear around 5-6 months, and while your gastro might be right that it will take longer for DC, a lot of kids I know who had reflux improved around 6 months or so. So while he might not be all better, it might get easier. I would also recommend seeing if there are any Mommy n Me type groups or programs at your library--it helped me so much to have an activity to look forward to, and broke up the day. DS was always less fussy when we were out and about.

Also talk to your DH frankly about your feelings, even show him your post if you like. We just had another talk recently--DS is now a toddler with very little speech, and his tantrums are getting out of control at times. So I'm completely wiped out by naptime, and again at the end of the day. If he or your family can't help out more, I would look for a babysitter in your area so you can get a break now and then. And Kelly's advice is good, have DH spend a day or even half a day as DCs caretaker--it does wonders for their appreciation of what a sAHMs days are like!

It will get better though.

Message edited 7/2/2009 1:07:38 PM.

Re: I've never asked for hugs, but I'm at the end of my rope...(Warning: Long)

I understand what you're going through. Although Dh is a little more "hands on" than yours seems to be. I still feel that I have the bulk of the work and that I don't get to "relax" as he does. It has gotten better as DS is growing older but I think we're stuck without a "vacation" for many years to come!!! I hope it gets better!!!