Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Can anyone here relate or offer any words of advice/wisdom? I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 4 days ago and throughout my entire pregnancy was pretty committed to breastfeeding. I'm not sure why, but I thought it was be "easy" and just "come natural". Well, boy, was I wrong. I have extremely flat nipples that she just cannot latch to. I've tried nipple shields, using both a manual hand-pump, regular pump, and hospital strength pump to "perk" them up prior to feeding her, and working with 2 different lactation consultants while in the hospital for a significant time period (not just a 10 minute pop-in). Due to lack of being able to eat, she was screaming in the hospital, eating her hands, fussy, etc. I "caved in" (though I hate that phrase) and gave her formula -- she was so happy! I decided for both her feeding needs and my sanity to keep going with the formula. What it comes down to is that I could still likely feed her breast milk, however I would have to pump exclusively and not nurse her due to the difficulties. I feel like a failure and as much as I know the benefits of breast milk over formula, one of, if not the main reason I wanted to breast feed in the first place was for that one-on-one mommy/daughter bonding time, which I'm not getting by exclusively pumping. I also keep thinking of one of the lactation consultants said to me -- "Its a shame this isn't working because she really would be the perfect breast feeding child". Her mouth shape, lips, suction, etc. are apparently textbook. I feel like I am inhibiting her ability to do something that she would likely be great at and that makes me feel horrible. I thought I was at peace with my decision to formula feed and today my milk started to come in and again, I feel like a failure. I'm thinking of trying to nurse her again tomorrow, but am not sure. She's doing really great on the formula -- not fussy, no spit-up, going to the bathroom like a champ, sleeping 3-4 hours at a time and if I try to nurse her, I feel like I'm interrupting her routine.

Has anyone else experienced this? I guess I'm just venting. I know the hormones, stress, lack of sleep, etc. aren't exactly helping. If you've made it this far and are still reading this, thanks for listening.......

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I experienced the same thing. The nurses at the hospital (some of them) were acting like formula was a dirty word which didn't help things. My sons pediatrician actually was the one that made me feel better. He told me he had so many patients that were formula fed and are happy and healthy.

My son is 15 months, was formula fed and is active, healthy and so darn smart! Too smart for his age, he is always in mischief!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Yes. I could have written this word for word. I had the same issue w/ flat nipples and no pump made them stick out enough to get her to latch. The very few times she did latch, her latch was fine. But bc of my stupid nipples, she would get frustrated, scream, and cry. I also gave formula after spending the first 24 hours trying to get her to nurse directly. I didn't even know EPing was a thing. Before DD was born, I had the mindset- if I am able to BF, great. If not, I had no problem giving formula. But something clicked in me when I couldn't BF. I became determined to give DD as much BM as I could. I found out about EPing and decided to try it. I set small goals for myself - 2 weeks, a month, 6 weeks, then 3 months, then 6 months, 9 months, and then a year. I didn't make it to a year because I got pregnant at 9 months post partum and my already small supply tanked within days of BFP. EPing was the most difficult thing I have done but it was the most rewarding. The night I fed DD her last bottle of BM, I cried. I put my blood, sweat, tears, and time into giving her breast milk.

I never made more than 18-20oz of breast milk per day. In the beginning when DD was a newborn and only on 2-2.5oz per feeding, she was on mostly BM and had 1 or 2 bottles of formula a day. As she started to drink more and I couldn't get my supply up (tried EVERYTHING including a medication I had to purchase from an online pharmacy overseas since it's not FDA approved) she would be on 1-2 bottles of BM a day and the rest formula (which ended up being easier when she started daycare). But she had at least one bottle of BM for 10 months.

It is absolutely 1000000% possible to have a mother-daughter bond with your baby even if EPing, especially those first few weeks/months when they're tiny and immobile. I had my pump set up on a table next to the couch, put DD in the boppy next to me, put on my hands free bra, hook myself up and then I would pick DD up and hold her, feed her a bottle, sing to her, read to her, etc. as I pumped away. Now at 14 months old, she's such a mama's girl. She loves her daddy too lol but she's seriously my little snugglebunny.

There are plus sides to EPing/bottle feeding, the biggest and best one being that Daddy get's to do a middle of the night feeding while Mommy gets to sleep! That was sooo nice!

You are not a failure. I called myself that every single day when I tried and tried and tried to get her to nurse. I tried almost every day for 4 months. Between that and having a low supply, I cried a lot, felt like I was broken. But the most important thing was that my daughter was happy, healthy, and thriving and still is!

If you're interested and on facebook, there are several groups that I found very helpful and full of information on EPing and trying to get Back to Breast.

Exclusive Expressing/Pumping

Exclusively Pumping Group

Back to Breast

And if you ultimately decide to just formula feed, that's perfectly fine too! DD did so well on formula and never had an issue switching between the 2.

Sorry this is so long but like I said, I could have written your post word for word (and I may have) just over a year ago. You're doing great mama! And congrats!!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Don't feel bad about it at all!!!! There is nothing wrong with formula feeding!!! And if she's doing great on it, then all the better & don't look back!!!

But if you're interested in pumping without breastfeeding, I did it with my older son for about 11 months... it was a lot of work but there were lots of pros to doing it & I don't regret it. So you could consider that but if not, formula is fine!!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I remember when I had my son I wanted to breastfeed so badly. I am surrounded by women at work that were able to do it successfully time and again. I started nursing him and it was one thing after another. I wound up with bouts of mastitis and I wound up checking myself into the hospital when I wound up reaching my breaking point with the mastitis. I just wasn't enjoying my son and I wasn't allowing myself to enjoy just being a mommy. My DH would tell me how wonderful my son was doing on formula but I didn't want to hear it. I tried for over two months to nurse my son. Then, I realized, it just wasn't working. I beat myself up for it a lot in the beginning, but when I came to terms with it, I felt so free and happy. And my son was happy. And I can guarantee that (he is now 3.5 years old) growing and thriving just the same on formula as he would have on breast milk. I made a pact with myself that each time I fed him his bottle, that I would hold him close and look into his eyes (to emulate the nursing bond). Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing an amazing job and all your baby NEEDS right now is love and for you to care for her the best way you can. Enjoy being a mommy! It is the best feeling in the world!

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

First of all, don't pay any mind to that lactation consultant. When I had my son in January, the lactation consultant came in and "popped" him on and looked at me like, why are you having a problem? Um, his latch wasn't right and I was crying in pain. All she said was, oh it shouldn't hurt like you are acting like. DUH! Then she started going on about him possibly being tongue tied (he's not, at all). She left after 10 minutes and never actually helped me. I tried for a week to breast feed my son, but between his latch and the fact that I never produced more than maybe 6 ounces a day (and that only lasted a week), I ended up giving him formula. He's 4 months old and over 16 lbs and 24.5 inches long. He's happy and healthy, and that's all that matters. I was disappointed that breastfeeding didn't work for me, but my son is healthy and that's all that matters. It's hard to see that in the beginning, but I promise, it will be okay, and your bonding won't be any less just because you bottle feed.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I had planned to bf, but my son was in nicu after I had a tough labor so the nursery gave him formula. I would send whatever bm I could pump, but they would supplement with formula. When I brought him home and tried to bf, my son just wouldn't latch.

I decided to pump, but I couldn't match what he was eating. I found the entire process of waking up, feeding him, burping him, changing him, putting him back to sleep and then pumping again to be so stressful. There were other things, but after about a month, I decided to give up pumping and be exclusively formula. I honestly think that I became I better mom after that. I wasn't as stressed, much more relaxed. I never felt like I couldn't bond with him, despite all the trouble we had with him in the hospital. When I told the pediatrician what I was going through, they said that I made a fine decision and that he was still perfectly healthy.

I think at the end of the day, if your daughter is healthy and thriving, you're doing a great job!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I've been there. I had a hard time nursing my first. I too felt the guilt and like a failure. I thought it would be so easy and come so naturally. I kept at it for a month and then introduced formula and pumped until 3 months. You can still do skin to skin while holding her or giving her a bottle. And I do t think it affected our bonding. She could look into my eyes and I could stare at her face when I gave her a bottle.

At the end of the day, her thriving and your mental health are most important. Happy mommy, happy baby. She feels your energy.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

i was the opposite. i was against breastfeeding from the beginning. because of the hormones and sleep deprivation, i got talked into it by my ILs. I was actually told that I am a horrible mother if I don't breastfeed.

it was too painful for words, I was not producing enough milk, and DS was always hungry!
after about 5 days, I gained my sanity back and stopped.

DS was a formula fed baby. He is healthy (90% in height and weight) active, intelligent, and looks like a 6 year old at 4. As far as his development, the formula did not impede him in any way.


as for the bonding, DS loves his daddy (and him being able to feed was a big part of that) but whenever something happens to him that upsets him, he runs right to me. I am the one he goes to for comfort and problem-solving. i get told he loves me daily, i get hugs and kisses (even in front of his after-school friends)and i get told i'm the best mommy ever (unless he;s angry at me, which never lasts long) i did not miss any part of the bonding experience by formula feeding.

do what works for your daughter. everything else will work itself out. good luck!

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I had the same issues but I got through them. A baby can learn to latch at any point, so just keep pumping to keep your milk supply up and you can figure out the nursing. I have a recommendation for lactation consultants and also suggest a LLL meeting. Can fm you later.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I went through the same with my son. Flat nipples, no latch, shields, I got very infected, I pumped 10 times a day and got one bottle then slowly less and less and I stopped bc it was not worth it, I was not producing milk since he was not stimulating my nipple.

I had the idea that I would BF and though I didn't see anything wrong w formula I felt guilty bc everyone said it was "best". I was formula fed and turned out okay I have a great immune system also.

I FF my son and when I had my DD after trying briefly and experiencing the same outcome I went to formula.

What I can tell you is that neither of my kids is any worse for it.

My 3.5 yr old has always been advanced, he gets sick here or there but so does m nephew who was EBF for over 2 years.

If BF works for a mom I think its great but I honestly do not think it makes any difference other than financially in the well being or development of a child as both of my kids have done everything on time or early. My DD who is 7 months has not been sick even when her brother brought home sickness.

Do not drive yourself crazy, plenty of healthy, Harvard grads were formula fed

eta: as far as bonding, my kids couldn't be more attached to me if they were an actual limb so do not worry about that at all lol

Message edited 5/8/2015 7:33:30 AM.

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Please don't beat yourself over this... As moms, this whole breast feeding thing is made to be the 'holy grail' of development, relationship bonding etc. While i am pro- breastfeeding, it is extremely tough and i myself had a very very difficult time. I started supplementing early on and was convinced my son was 'missing out' on bonding with me. In my opinion (health benefits aside), bonding with a child isn't a one shot deal- it happens over time. Its like any other relationship that requires time. So don't worry about your bonding experience.

Anyway, i hope you get a chance to enjoy this new time. I know it can be tough bc it is new but i promise it will get better.

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I could have written that post when my son was born last June. He definitely had a slight tongue tie that affected his latch, but that's besides the point. I was so upset. Throughout my whole pregnancy the one thing I was committed to was breastfeeding. I knew I would have to pump eventually because I was going back to work. But I thought that I would breastfeed for at least a month to establish my supply. Well that didn't happen. I cried giving him formula at first, but he was happy, cried less, and slept better. I pumped for about 2 months and still tried to breast feed too. I just never had a great supply. I was happy that he was able to get breastmilk for as long as he did.

My advice to concentrate on bonding with your baby. I feel like I missed out in the beginning because I was so focused on the breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is important. But it's not the be all end all. My son is 10.5 months now and is doing fine. Soon he'll be off formula anyway.

Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Ds was born at 36 weeks because of preeclampsia. He was in the NICU for 5 days. He had a feeding tube because he couldn't latch. We worked on it numerous times. I had HOURS with the lc. I pumped what I could get out (drops) and they would feed that to him but he needed formula. I also used a nipple shield, which didn't really start working for me until about 1 or 2 weeks old when he really got the rhythm of suckling. 3 weeks later I was able to stop using it. By 1.5 months, ds was up to 99% breastfed and gaining like a champ. I still have him 1 bottle here and there because I didn't want him to lose the taste and I had to go to the hospital a bunch for my grandma. At 6 months he is thriving. Breastfeed and gets formula, and has started solids. You have to do what you can to feed your baby, don't listen to any BS saying otherwise!!!! You are doing great mama!!!!!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Rule #1 of being a Mom - Make this your mantra and tell yourself over and over and over
NO ONE but YOU knows what's best for your baby. YOU are the mother, YOU decide what is best for your child, for yourself, and for your family. Daddy gets an honorable mention in the process, but particularly in those first few months, Mom is the boss.

Put the lactation consultant out of your mind. They can be extremely encouraging and helpful for a woman who is determined to nurse no matter what, but on the flip side they can be miserable shrews if you're feeling like this isn't the best thing for you, or GASP, simply dont' want to do it at all.

Don't beat yourself up. You did great. You carried her, you gave birth to her, she's happy and healthy and you love her. Your job now is to take care of her - You are going to get 5 million opnions of why you should do one thing over the other for the rest of your life .......it's the most difficult now, when you're exhausted and emotional and hormonal to put all of your steength into believing YOU are doing what's best for you, and everyone else can shove it - but, try.


IMO nothing you can control is worth making those first few weeks or mothns with a new baby miserable. You can hold her and kiss her and snuggle her up just as much with a bottle. - Good Luck !

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Posted by MarisaK

Rule #1 of being a Mom - Make this your mantra and tell yourself over and over and over
NO ONE but YOU knows what's best for your baby. YOU are the mother, YOU decide what is best for your child, for yourself, and for your family. Daddy gets an honorable mention in the process, but particularly in those first few months, Mom is the boss.

Put the lactation consultant out of your mind. They can be extremely encouraging and helpful for a woman who is determined to nurse no matter what, but on the flip side they can be miserable shrews if you're feeling like this isn't the best thing for you, or GASP, simply dont' want to do it at all.

Don't beat yourself up. You did great. You carried her, you gave birth to her, she's happy and healthy and you love her. Your job now is to take care of her - You are going to get 5 million opnions of why you should do one thing over the other for the rest of your life .......it's the most difficult now, when you're exhausted and emotional and hormonal to put all of your steength into believing YOU are doing what's best for you, and everyone else can shove it - but, try.


IMO nothing you can control is worth making those first few weeks or mothns with a new baby miserable. You can hold her and kiss her and snuggle her up just as much with a bottle. - Good Luck !

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I know that guilt all too well with my first DS. I stopped BF him and felt such guilt for well over a year. I even tried relactating but wasn't successful.

I am still BF DC2 at 20 months old. The difference this time was that I was more mentally prepared for the challenge. It was NOT easy. He would not latch. It was horrible. He cried all the time. He lost 8 oz in 40 hours at the hospital (he was born 8lbs9oz). So what I did was to pump. I pumped several times a day and bottle fed him breastmilk. I tried one LC who couldn't help me. Had DS snipped bc of tongue-tie at 12 days old but still, didn't help much. I kept pumping while waiting for an apptmt with an LC that I loved (Dr. Macaluso - and she takes insurance!) and finally at 4 weeks old I got in to see Dr. Macaluso and she got him to latch. That morning prior to the apptmt was the last time I bottle-fed him breastmilk. I exclusively nursed him from that moment forward and he is a big boy. He's now 30 lbs. I set small goals for myself - 3 months, then 4 months, then 6 mos, then 1 year, and here we are at 20 months (and I think I'll wean him soon).

Those 1st few days and weeks are so overwhelming and emotional. Everything can seem so daunting and hard. Give yourself time. You don't need to make any decisions now. Keep pumping, just keep doing it even if sometimes you don't want to bc this way when your head clears, you'll be able to make a decision about whether or not to BF based on having the 2 options, to BF or not to available to you. If you don't pump and lose your supply, the decision will in essence be made for you. Lots of people need to pump in the beginning for weeks or months before their child can latch.

So, having experienced both, all I can say is that no matter what you do, your child will be fine. My DS1 was formula fed and is incredibly healthy - had his 1st fever at 19 months and at age 5 now has had maybe only 5-6 fevers. My EBF 20 month old had his 1st fever at 4 months! and has had probably another 4 fevers since then. DS1 is also incredibly smart and at age 5 can add and subtract 3 digit numbers. So health and intelligence can be had on formula alone!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Posted by MarisaK

Rule #1 of being a Mom - Make this your mantra and tell yourself over and over and over
NO ONE but YOU knows what's best for your baby. YOU are the mother, YOU decide what is best for your child, for yourself, and for your family. Daddy gets an honorable mention in the process, but particularly in those first few months, Mom is the boss.

Put the lactation consultant out of your mind. They can be extremely encouraging and helpful for a woman who is determined to nurse no matter what, but on the flip side they can be miserable shrews if you're feeling like this isn't the best thing for you, or GASP, simply dont' want to do it at all.

Don't beat yourself up. You did great. You carried her, you gave birth to her, she's happy and healthy and you love her. Your job now is to take care of her - You are going to get 5 million opnions of why you should do one thing over the other for the rest of your life .......it's the most difficult now, when you're exhausted and emotional and hormonal to put all of your steength into believing YOU are doing what's best for you, and everyone else can shove it - but, try.


IMO nothing you can control is worth making those first few weeks or mothns with a new baby miserable. You can hold her and kiss her and snuggle her up just as much with a bottle. - Good Luck !

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Message edited 5/8/2015 11:26:31 AM.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

Posted by MarisaK

Rule #1 of being a Mom - Make this your mantra and tell yourself over and over and over
NO ONE but YOU knows what's best for your baby. YOU are the mother, YOU decide what is best for your child, for yourself, and for your family. Daddy gets an honorable mention in the process, but particularly in those first few months, Mom is the boss.

Put the lactation consultant out of your mind. They can be extremely encouraging and helpful for a woman who is determined to nurse no matter what, but on the flip side they can be miserable shrews if you're feeling like this isn't the best thing for you, or GASP, simply dont' want to do it at all.

Don't beat yourself up. You did great. You carried her, you gave birth to her, she's happy and healthy and you love her. Your job now is to take care of her - You are going to get 5 million opnions of why you should do one thing over the other for the rest of your life .......it's the most difficult now, when you're exhausted and emotional and hormonal to put all of your steength into believing YOU are doing what's best for you, and everyone else can shove it - but, try.


IMO nothing you can control is worth making those first few weeks or mothns with a new baby miserable. You can hold her and kiss her and snuggle her up just as much with a bottle. - Good Luck !

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I don't know anything about breast feeding,my twins were formula fed from day 1

I just wanted to tell you as far as the bonding thing
Goes. We are bonded. Bonded from
Day 1. So bonded I have not peed alone in 2 years lol


Whatever you decide will be the right choice!

Congrats on your new baby!!!

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I could have written your post 12 years ago next month. However I ended up nursing DD for 21 months. At first I supplemented with formula while I also pumped and DID not give up for weeks trying to get her to latch on properly. I was determined. The bottles stopped by 2 months I think. I dont think you should feel guilty whatever your decision since I dont think bfding always comes naturally. However I am glad I didn't give up either.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I had a really difficult time BF at first and I supplemented a bunch in the first 3 months. After that, I got into the swing of things and BF until 15 months.

I would keep trying, but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out.

Re: Letting go of the guilt (breastfeeding related)......

I'm confused about the bonding time. How are you not bonding when feeding your child from a bottle. If you are giving them that bottle, you are spending time with them, holding them close etc.
And as far as the benefits of breast milk over formula, I am not on board with that either. My DD had not a drop of BM and is literally NEVER sick. And is a daycare child. Has no allergies. Never gets a head cold. Had one stomach virus in 5 years of life. Never gets fevers. I am sick more than she is.
Is crazy smart with a memory that astounds me.
so I can't see what benefit she would have derived from BM over formula. It baffles me.

Message edited 5/8/2015 9:30:14 PM.