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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Here goes, I'll try to keep this short.
As you know, DH and I lost our BIL Tuesday night, unbelievable. 
DH is pretty upset and we both agree that going to work is best to keep our minds distracted.
I am supposed to be going away for a friend's bachelorette party this weekend, no crazy partying, just a low-key couple days.....
DH has said I should go, that I have been planning and looking forward to it and I need to get away......
The services aren't until Sunday, so I wouldn't be missing them. I just feel like I will be looked at like a jerk for not sitting and mourning with the family.
Part of me wants to go and part of me wants to stay, but if DH will be working Saturday night and possibly Tomorrow night, I'll be home alone anyway.
I can't figure this out. Please don't flame, I really just need some advice.
Thanks
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Posted 8/23/07 1:21 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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ETAB
Mother Mary Pray for us
Member since 7/07 2052 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Is their anything that you would need to do in the days prior to the service to help your family? If your SIL needs help then I would miss it, but if she doesnt then I say go for it. It would be good to get away for a couple of days...
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:25 PM |
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I think you should go, just because you go does not mean you are not mourning.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:26 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by ETAB
Is their anything that you would need to do in the days prior to the service to help your family? If your SIL needs help then I would miss it, but if she doesnt then I say go for it. It would be good to get away for a couple of days...
I spent the entire day yesterday with them (ironically it was my birthday so I took the day off) at the house and there were a ton of people there.
I helped as best I could, heated up food, consoled SIL, played with our nephew, cleaned up.
I don't think there's anything I am specifically needed for in the meantime though.....
Message edited 8/23/2007 1:28:15 PM.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:27 PM |
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Rycois
Blessed with 2blue/2pink
Member since 12/05 13341 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
While I do not think you would be wrong to go, I see your predictament and feel like you should stay and just be there. I'm sorry - I know you probably don't want to hear that.  I'm so sorry for your loss.
Anyway you can compromise and just go for one night?
ETS: For what it's worth, happy belated birthday  sorry you didn't get to enjoy it!
Message edited 8/23/2007 1:37:06 PM.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:35 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by SweetCaroline
While I do not think you would be wrong to go, I see your predictament and feel like you should stay and just be there. I'm sorry - I know you probably don't want to hear that. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETS: For what it's worth, happy belated birthday sorry you didn't get to enjoy it!
Thanks.
I actually don't know WHAT I want to hear. I feel like if I go, I will have this tremendous guilt, and if I don't go I feel like I'll be like "Oh, I am home alone, I should've gone".
ETA
Going for one night isn't an option, it's a pretty long drive.
Message edited 8/23/2007 1:39:04 PM.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:38 PM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I would stay, even if it's to help clean the house, watch a kid while the SIL cried. I wouldn't feel right going dancing & hanging out with my friends under the circumstances.
I know there were many times when DH told me I didn't have to go when my SIL was on life-support. I went. Not because he needed me to go. I went just in case he did & didn't know it.
If you feel you have to go, then I think the best compromise is to do a one night thing (if possible).
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:40 PM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by SweetCaroline
While I do not think you would be wrong to go, I see your predictament and feel like you should stay and just be there. I'm sorry - I know you probably don't want to hear that. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETS: For what it's worth, happy belated birthday sorry you didn't get to enjoy it!
Thanks.
I actually don't know WHAT I want to hear. I feel like if I go, I will have this tremendous guilt, and if I don't go I feel like I'll be like "Oh, I am home alone, I should've gone".
ETA
Going for one night isn't an option, it's a pretty long drive.
just to clarify
the services are sunday right?
not knowing your religion, is there a wake or shiva or something similar like that leading up to sunday.
If so, I'd seriously consider cancelling going to the party. It's your DH's sister, and you should be there with him. And if he can't make it, you should be there to represent the 2 of you. The last thing you want is someone to ask where you are, and have them learn you're at a party. That opens you up to comment.
If there's nothing till Sunday - I'd call SIL and ask her what you can do. Don't tell her about the party. If she says she doesn't need you, then by all means go. If she does, cancel.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:45 PM |
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Rycois
Blessed with 2blue/2pink
Member since 12/05 13341 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by SweetCaroline
While I do not think you would be wrong to go, I see your predictament and feel like you should stay and just be there. I'm sorry - I know you probably don't want to hear that. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETS: For what it's worth, happy belated birthday sorry you didn't get to enjoy it!
Thanks.
I actually don't know WHAT I want to hear. I feel like if I go, I will have this tremendous guilt, and if I don't go I feel like I'll be like "Oh, I am home alone, I should've gone".
ETA
Going for one night isn't an option, it's a pretty long drive.
Right, I hear what you're saying. The way I look at it though - you'll never regret being home with family during a time of need, but you may regret going - obviously your friend will understand.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:45 PM |
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CaseyGirl
Mommy to 3 Boys :)
Member since 5/05 19978 total posts
Name:
Jen - counting my blessings...
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I personally would not go. I would feel so guilty celebrating while someone so close just passed away. But that's just me.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:46 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
Posted by curliegirl
Posted by SweetCaroline
While I do not think you would be wrong to go, I see your predictament and feel like you should stay and just be there. I'm sorry - I know you probably don't want to hear that. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ETS: For what it's worth, happy belated birthday sorry you didn't get to enjoy it!
Thanks.
I actually don't know WHAT I want to hear. I feel like if I go, I will have this tremendous guilt, and if I don't go I feel like I'll be like "Oh, I am home alone, I should've gone".
ETA
Going for one night isn't an option, it's a pretty long drive.
just to clarify
the services are sunday right?
not knowing your religion, is there a wake or shiva or something similar like that leading up to sunday.
If so, I'd seriously consider cancelling going to the party. It's your DH's sister, and you should be there with him. And if he can't make it, you should be there to represent the 2 of you. The last thing you want is someone to ask where you are, and have them learn you're at a party. That opens you up to comment.
If there's nothing till Sunday - I'd call SIL and ask her what you can do. Don't tell her about the party. If she says she doesn't need you, then by all means go. If she does, cancel.
No services until Sunday....
I think I might have DH speak to his mother tonight and feel her out.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:48 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
If you stay, would you be doing a lot to help your SIL? Does she have kids? Other family there? First you have to figure out that.
Next, I would see if your SIL wants you there. Maybe she just wants to be with her immediate family or alone. Maybe she wants everyone there.
For me, I don't know if I could get in the right mind frame for a bachelorette party at a time like this. I don't think it owuld be fair for the bride for me to be all depressed, sad and in my own head on an occassion she is supposed to be celebrating. JMO.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:48 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
you'll never regret being home with family during a time of need, but you may regret going - obviously your friend will understand.
You make a good point.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:48 PM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by nrthshgrl
I would stay, even if it's to help clean the house, watch a kid while the SIL cried. I wouldn't feel right going dancing & hanging out with my friends under the circumstances.
I know there were many times when DH told me I didn't have to go when my SIL was on life-support. I went. Not because he needed me to go. I went just in case he did & didn't know it.
If you feel you have to go, then I think the best compromise is to do a one night thing (if possible).
I agree 100% with this.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:49 PM |
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mskimmy98
My twins are one!!!
Member since 5/05 2540 total posts
Name:
Kimberly
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by CaseyGirl
I personally would not go. I would feel so guilty celebrating while someone so close just passed away. But that's just me.
I agree with this... there would be no way I would go.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:50 PM |
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QuoteTheRaven424
22 Months?!!!!
Member since 5/05 13659 total posts
Name:
And If That Isn't A True Blue Miracle
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Eevn if you're not needed, I'd just hate to see you open yourself for a snide comment
where is gina?
she's at a bachelorette party...
oh, she's partying at a time like this?
even though you did try to do right by your family - it's misconstrued
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:55 PM |
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mka06
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 1079 total posts
Name:
Melis
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by curliegirl
you'll never regret being home with family during a time of need, but you may regret going - obviously your friend will understand.
You make a good point.
i agree with this poster... i don't think i would go unless you can go for one day.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:55 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
Eevn if you're not needed, I'd just hate to see you open yourself for a snide comment
where is gina?
she's at a bachelorette party...
oh, she's partying at a time like this?
even though you did try to do right by your family - it's misconstrued
That's my fear.....
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:56 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by mka06
Posted by curliegirl
you'll never regret being home with family during a time of need, but you may regret going - obviously your friend will understand.
You make a good point.
i agree with this poster... i don't think i would go unless you can go for one day.
I agree with going for one day, and in essence, I WOULD be.....we are leaving tomorrow night and I would be home Sunday late morning.
Message edited 8/23/2007 1:58:48 PM.
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| Posted 8/23/07 1:57 PM |
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mommy2bella
Where does time go?
Member since 12/05 9747 total posts
Name:
Kelly
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I wouldn't go...it's too important a time to be around for the entire family...even if it is laying next to DH at night after everything and giving him the physical knowledge that you are there.
For me, when I have had a loss, DH has no idea what it means to me at night when he reaches out in sleep to grab my hand....
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| Posted 8/23/07 2:02 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I wouldn't go. What if you're needed early Sunday morning? What if there's traffic and you get delayed? There are too many possibilities for things to go wrong for me, and since you already fear people talking (as would I) I'd rather avoid all potential unnecessary drama and stay home.
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| Posted 8/23/07 2:16 PM |
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tann22
LIF Adult
Member since 6/05 2421 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I personally wouldn't go. I would want to be around just in case the family needed me.
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| Posted 8/23/07 2:19 PM |
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dpli
Daylight savings :)
Member since 5/05 13973 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Posted by QuoteTheRaven424
Eevn if you're not needed, I'd just hate to see you open yourself for a snide comment
where is gina?
she's at a bachelorette party...
oh, she's partying at a time like this?
even though you did try to do right by your family - it's misconstrued
I agree with this. My former landlords had a large family. When one of the sons in law passed away, another daughter in law missed the wake b/c she was a BM in a wedding, then missed the funeral b/c they got snowed in. Fair or not, she was on everyone's list in the family after that.
I would stick around and miss the party. It is immediate family for your DH and I think it would be the right thing to do.
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| Posted 8/23/07 2:27 PM |
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curliegirl
He's here!!!!
Member since 3/06 10128 total posts
Name:
Gina
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
Thanks everyone...
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| Posted 8/23/07 3:26 PM |
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MissJones
I need a nap!
Member since 5/05 22136 total posts
Name:
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Re: Need advice and you guys always help me see the light.
I wouldn't feel right going away right now. As much as I want to say Go, I think that your family needs you. Even to continue doing what you did the other day, I'm sure would be appreciated.
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| Posted 8/23/07 3:34 PM |
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