Question - "family bed" related...

i have a ????

since Emma had the whole coxsackie thing about a month or 2 ago...she's been sleeping in our bed. The virus caused her to vomit CONSTANTLY and when she was very bad - i brought her into our bed, laying on my arm, so if she vomited, it would wake me up (and it did on more than one occasion).

Well - she'll be 5 months tomorrow - and she's still in bed with us. Dave & I are very happy - we both love it, to be honest.

I have PPD and i'm on meds. I am dealing with severe (in my opinion) anxiety about the fact that Emma is with a sitter more days than she is with me. It makes me cry almost once daily..so the thought of putting her in her crib at the other end of the apartment makes me sad. (i have only been back to work for a month). I just want to have her near me right now.

my mom and dave's mom both told us we are doing WRONG by emma...that she needs to be in her own bed, etc.

are we???? are we 'damaging her' in any way??? when my mom said it, i was like, whatever...but then his mom said the same thing the next day.

i know i'll likely get answers on both ends of the spectrum - but i'm wondering what you all think...

thanks, as ALWAYS!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I personally did not go that route. But I have never heard of any child being "hurt" by co-sleeping. If you are all happy with that arrangement, I think it's fine.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

aww poor baby.

I dont think its 'wrong', its a choice.

AJ slept with us every single day until she was 4months. Sometimes cause she was sick, was my excuse. Mostly cause I wanted her there.

I loved looking over and seeing her beautiful peaceful face. To feel her tiny breath on my face. To see her kick or twist. Every moment was precious.

Yes, I moved her to her crib but she’s now a year old and still comes to our bed if she wakes up too early for us. I don’t see her sleeping with us when she’s a teenager!

My only reason for moving her over was selfish. She isn’t going to be damaged or hurt in anyway at all. Its us who have to pay the price for getting our bed back to ourselves. Its us who have to deal with a screaming kid who wants to come into our bed when we want the bed to ourselves.

I think you should do what is good for YOU and your family. Life is too short, enjoy your baby as much as you can in anyway you can as long as you can all that you can. One day soon they’ll get mad when we hug them hahaha.

Every family is different and you need to do what works for you, and I guess it’s the trouble of getting others to realize what you do wont be changed easily by other’s … *ahem* advice.

Good Luck! and happy sleeping!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

We've co-slept with all of our children. They are happy, have no sleep issues, and moved into their own bed without any problems.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Jess - This is my opinion only... you and Dave do what you feel is right for YOUR FAMILY...

For us personally, we don't agree with co-sleeping, but that is us, and I no way judge anyone who does it. We just feel that our bed is just that OURS. As Samantha gets older and if she should have bad dreams, or is not feeling well something along those lines, then I have an open mind and am not opposed the occassional sleeping with mommy and daddy thing.

While I don't think you are doing any harm, it could cause sleep problems down the road. I've seen this with my SIL and her 3 kids. For her, she co-slept because she couldn't listen to the crying and since she was nursing, she would nurse while they both slept so she could get some shut eye herself. However, for her 2 older ones (5 & 3) it's caused some major sleep issues in that, neither one will go to sleep on their own and someone MUST stay with them until they fall asleep. Often times the 5 year old will still wake multiple times during the night and DEMAND someone sleep with him. She/my BIL give in because they don't want to hear the crying and tantrums in the middle of the night. While it's gotten better over the past year or two, it's still a pretty bad situation. She's trying to break that habit now with the 9 month old before she has these issues with him too.

Again, you do what you and Dave feel is best for the 3 of you. You are a FABULOUS MOMMY! And you know I you!!!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

dd's been sleeping with us since she was about 3 weeks old. we all sleep better and i wouldn't change a thing (in addition to it being easier to feed her, etc. i'm also having major problems with anxiety and having her right there makes it easier). i'll move her to her crib if it becomes a better option for her, but right now we're content with the situation.

do what's right for you and your family. i'm going back to work next friday (oh god...) and one of the few things that's making it a little more ok is that i'll be with her at night.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

DS has been in our bed since he was 2mo and refused to continue sleeping in his bassinet. He hates his crib...since night 1, he would scream when we put him in it. It was also much easier for BFing.

I personally do not think it can harm them..although it can hamper your "intimate time" I love sleeping with him, and hoe can you be harming them by keeping them close, safe and warm? I think about it this way - he was nice and warm and snuggly for almost 10months, and then I put him in this cold,open crib - it's no wonder he cried. But I'm very much for attachment parenting, especially since I had a c-section and it was a about 3-5 hours after giving birth that I first got to hold him :(

We've tried to transition, but I'm not 100% committed to that, so it hasn't worked lol. We'll try again when he's 1. If you like doing it, go for it...don't listen to what other people say if it's what makes you comfortable.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Aw,

No, I don't believe you are causing any harm to Emma. Although you will find that there are arguments that co-sleeping can increase the risks of harm to a baby from accidentally rolling over on them or the baby not breathing correctly from all the blankets and pillows. (not my opinion, but what I have read)

The only thing that might happen is that it would eventually be harder to get her to sleep in her own bed or crib as she is used to sleeping with you. But I am sure that is something you can deal with when the time comes. If everyone is happy and healthy sleeping together, more power to you!

I personally couldn't do it because I was too selfish to have my own space and I feared having challenges getting DS to sleep in his own crib. Do what is right for you and your family!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

This really is such a deeply personal issue... and you'll get answers that totally vary on the spectrum.

We've never been co-sleepers for two reasons - one, I want to prioritize my marriage and our time together as a couple, and I don't think that would happen as easily with a baby in our bed with us after the early newborn stage. I've found with both of my children that you really have to make a conscious effort to switch gears at some point and refocus on your marriage and make it a priority, and one way of doing that is having "our" time together, alone, at the end of the day after both girls are asleep.

Reason number two - I'm a serious worrywart. I've heard of and known of too many baby deaths from co-sleeping, either by suffocation on loose sheets, blankets or pillows, or by a parent rolling over baby in their sleep by accident. The idea of cuddling with my little one all night is soooooooooo nice, but at the same time, her safety is a priority for me, more so than my need to be close to her.

Safety concerns aside, no, I don't think you can "damage" your child by co-sleeping - there are entire countries out there whose foundation for child-rearing is based on co-sleeping - I think it's natural and instinctual and shouldn't cause any longterm damage, as long as you are really mindful to set up the bed so that it doesn't pose any kind of safety risk

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

my personal belief is that if it works for each of you as a family, and it is safe, it is not wrong. as she gets older, the transition will happen. no need to force it now if it is working for everyone involved.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

are you wrong? no. You may have issues down the road ie: your 6 year old cannot sleep on their own. Molly always loved to sleep with us but always started the night in her own bassinet, crib, bed. Now at almost 6 she does get to sleep with us once in a while, if she is sick definitely.
but that is up to you, no one else. There are tons of pros and cons.

One thing that might make life easier for you is to get her used to her own bedroom and starting out the night in her own bed. Then bringing her into bed with you when you are ready to turn out the lights.

I can tell you that working mother's guilt is very strong and can harm you. You are doing NOTHING wrong. Are you secure with the daycare situation you have set up? Is that causing you the issues? I had horrific PPD as well so I know how it feels. HUGS.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Posted by Bxgell2
Reason number two - I'm a serious worrywart. I've heard of and known of too many baby deaths from co-sleeping, either by suffocation on loose sheets, blankets or pillows, or by a parent rolling over baby in their sleep by accident. The idea of cuddling with my little one all night is soooooooooo nice, but at the same time, her safety is a priority for me, more so than my need to be close to her.

Safety concerns aside, no, I don't think you can "damage" your child by co-sleeping - there are entire countries out there whose foundation for child-rearing is based on co-sleeping - I think it's natural and instinctual and shouldn't cause any longterm damage, as long as you are really mindful to set up the bed so that it doesn't pose any kind of safety risk

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

You are not wrong at all -
As long as you AND your DH are in agreement that you are happy with the situation then it's your business where your kid sleeps -

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

We got a lot of flack, mainly from my family, about co-sleeping. It drove me crazy. It's a lot easier to comment when you're looking in from the outside. We've co-slept since DS came home from the hospital. He would get hysterical if we put him down. We tried to transition him to the crib several times, but it was a disaster. He wouldn't sleep at all. We finally transitioned him to the crib at 10 months old. We probably could've done it a little sooner, but we both liked having DS so close. If he's having a rough night, we'll still bring him into bed for a little while.

You need to do whatever is right for you and your family.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I don't think co-sleeping is right or wrong.

JMO, but our bed is DH and my bed. I was raised in a house where we NEVER slept with our parents. I wouldn't invite my DS to sleep with us. We put DS right into the crib from day 1 as well.
Only twice has DS slept with me in the bed (and it was for naps for about 1 hour). I personally would never do co-sleeping. Never have and I don't think I will. In fact I'm always shocked when co-sleeping parents have more children. Just the logistics of it baffle my mind.

Now my DS wasn't sick and is generally a happy baby (but not a strong sleeper).

Message edited 11/2/2009 12:38:32 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

we used this:

(PS they make it without the bottom foot thing and I wish I had gotten that.)



Its called a Snuggle Nest. And no way in heck are you gonna roll on her with those walls (OUCH) I got brusies from holding her hand and leaned up against that wall. Yes, I held her hand while she slept.

The little foot part is to prevent her from slipping down and under the covers. It works TOO well. Finally ended up putting her legs on top of it. I put an incline inside it and her feet/knees hung over that. I loved it.

If I ever had another child I'd buy another (i sold mine in a garage sale before coming to TX).

On a side note, it was GREAT when she was sick. She got sick a few times and would puke. Milk etc. Nasty. Once we moved her into our bed without the 'nest' and man was it a mess at 1am! With the nest we could contain it better. The whole fabric part was machine washable and the little mattress had its own sheet too. We put a pillow case on the mattress to get back to bed and washed the rest in the morning. HUGE night saver!

When she was tiny and sick, we'd put her on the side of the bed (she wasnt rolling over yet) and have her there with the cool air humidifier for her benefit.

My fear was that AJ hated her hands in her swaddle. She'd pull them out and pull the covers over her. So loose blankets etc will happen in my bed or not. She hates to be cold, hates her feet covered or bound, hates her arms tied up. Our bed was the best bet. I was right THERE if anything happened. We'd cover her after she fell asleep and we'd hold her hands while she slept.

Wouldnt trade it for the world!

Message edited 11/2/2009 12:40:11 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Co-sleeping is not my thing but if it works for you then fine!

To avoid comments from your mom and his, keep them out of some of your business.

From your previous oposts, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Veronica - that wouldn't 'fit' in our bed....but we are looking to get a bigger mattress - and if and when we do - we're 100% getting that - THANK YOU for the post!!!!

for now - i lay my left arm out and she lays on my arm as her 'pillow'...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Posted by davenjess

Posted by MrsDrMatt

Co-sleeping is not my thing but if it works for you then fine!

To avoid comments from your mom and his, keep them out of some of your business.

From your previous oposts, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job!

i SO wish it were that easy. my mother asks, quite seriously, every day. his mom we don't see that often (my mom calls once a day pretty much).... i have tried the, 'it is what works for us' thing with my mom and then she says the whole, 'you're doing wrong by her'....which prompted this post.

we're definitely doing the best we can - but i truly appreciate the compliment!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Jess, this is a PERSONAL FAMILY decision between you and Dave. Only you and him can make this decision for you and Emma. If YOU want to co-sleep, then go for it. Do not let anyone tell you it will "hurt" Emma, because it won't.

xoxo

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

i had no intention of my kids being in bed with me when i was prengnant the 1st time. then my son was born with a life threatening illness. 6 weeks, 3 hospitals, (including out of state) and major surgery later we finally got to bring him home. he slept next to us in his stroller until he got to big, then into our bed. i wanted him right there, to know he was ok. well, he's 6 now, and will go to sleep in his room, and he knows if he wakes up and wants to come join daddy, he's welcome to do so. (more now with the baby in my bed) my little one slept in her car seat for 7 months. then i tried to get her into the crib, but daddy could not let her cry at night. so she's in my bed now. we have enough beds, nobody is squished, and the kids are happy. you find "alone" time when needed. they won't be in your bed forever. and my husband is absolutely convinced our kids are more independent during the day because they know they have mommy and or daddy at night right there.

who knows what is right or wrong, but if it works for you, go for it., and ignore anyone who tells you otherwise.