Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Personal Family decision. Everyone has an opinion. We cosleep with both our kiddies. And LOVE IT. Taylor is snuggle dup to me and Mya snuggles up to DH. When we want to have adult time its kinda exciting sneaking around our house

Message edited 11/2/2009 1:01:20 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I did Family Bed from birth until about 3 years ago (boys were 5 and almost 3 when they were evicted).

We loved it - but it isn't for everyone. My kids are great at 6 & 8 and don't seem to have suffered any residual ill effects from sleeping in our bed when they were younger. They sleep in their own beds and own room with no challenge. YES.. there was a transition period... but that's normal.

ETA: I will warn you that if you tell people you co-sleep, you might want to be prepared for a WORLD of criticism and advise.

Message edited 11/2/2009 1:06:08 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

We co-sleep and it works for us. At the end of the day it's your choice. I pulled this from Dr. Sears website:

William Sears, M.D.

Q. I've heard that sharing a bed with your baby poses a danger for SIDS. Is this true? We've been co-sleeping with our 3-month-old since he was born, and I'm worried that I could be putting him in danger.

A. Don't worry; continue co-sleeping. Because I have thoroughly researched this common concern and written two books on the subject, The Baby Sleep Book and SIDS: A Parent's Guide to Understanding and Preventing Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, I feel that I can confidently advise you on this subject. In the SIDS book, you'll find more than 250 scientific references to support the information provided on sleep and breathing patterns, and safe sleeping arrangements.
Also, my wife and I co-slept with every one of our eight babies and I have advocated the practice throughout my 35 years of being a pediatrician. I've come to the conclusion that co-sleeping, if practiced wisely and safely, can actually lower the risk of SIDS, and here's why:

Co-sleeping helps your baby rouse himself: New research has shown that in most cases, SIDS is caused by a baby's inability to arouse himself from sleep. Normally, when something occurs that threatens your baby's well being, such as difficulty breathing, he will automatically wake up. For reasons that are still unknown, in some babies, this protective mechanism does not go off, and so these babies are more at risk for SIDS.

This is where the positive aspects of co-sleeping come in. Dr. James McKenna, director of the Mother-Baby Sleep Laboratory and Professor of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame, has conducted numerous studies of mothers and babies who were co-sleeping and night nursing. His group of researchers found that mom and baby share similar patterns of sleep arousals, what we call "nighttime harmony." They drifted in and out of sleep stages in a similar, but not always identical, pattern. Some SIDS researchers believe that this is a factor in baby's protective arousal mechanism. This harmony may also be related to a psychological synchronicity between co-sleeping mothers and their babies: The co-sleeping mom is more likely to subconsciously sense if her baby's health is in danger and wake up.

Researchers also believe that the carbon dioxide you exhale when you sleep close to your baby may help stimulate her breathing. Plus, co-sleeping infants tend to automatically sleep on their back, in order to have easier access to nighttime feedings. Back sleeping has proved to be one of the top risk-reducers for SIDS. Meanwhile, babies who sleep separately from their moms have been shown to experience a decrease in the amount of REM sleep, the state of sleep in which protective arousal is the most likely to occur.

Co-sleeping is a common practice worldwide: The rate of SIDS is lowest in cultures that traditionally share sleep, such as Asian. While there could be many other factors contributing to the lower incidence of SIDS in these cultures, all the population studies I've seen have come to the same conclusion: Safe co-sleeping lowers the SIDS risk.

Co-sleeping warnings are based on imprecise science: I began my pediatric career in academic medicine and teaching in university hospitals. At that time, I learned an important lesson about scientific research: When the conclusions of a scientific study and common sense don't match, suspect faulty science. Both Dr. McKenna's writings and my two books mentioned above contain information that proves the original studies that triggered the "alarm" about co-sleeping were flawed.

In addition, scientists have yet to come to a universal agreement on the definition of co-sleeping. I've always considered co-sleeping to mean bed-sharing or sleeping within arm's reach of mother; however, it can also be defined as simply being close to mom or sleeping in the parents' bedroom. No matter your interpretation, you will find general agreement among all SIDS researchers, pediatricians, and the American Academy of Pediatrics that sleeping in the same room with parents lowers the risk of SIDS.

Co-sleeping is as safe as the conditions you practice: For obvious reasons, parents under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or medications that interfere with normal sleep patterns should never have their baby in their bed. Other safeguards to employ:

Sleep in a king-size bed if possible, to give everybody enough room.
Be sure there are no wide crevices between the mattress and the guardrail or headboard that your baby's head could sink into.
Never allow infants to sleep in the same bed with siblings or caregivers - they may not have the same awareness of a baby's presence that parents do.
Don't fall asleep with your baby on a surface that isn't firm, such as a couch or a beanbag chair; she could suffocate by getting wedged between the cushions.
Many parents have resolved co-sleeping worries by using a bedside co-sleeper: a crib-like bed that attaches securely to the side of your mattress. This allows you to have your own sleeping space on your bed, while your baby sleeps within arm's reach for easy nursing and comforting.

I hope you continue to enjoy co-sleeping with your baby, practice it safely, and reap the rewards of feeling more connected with each other. Just remember -- wherever you and your baby get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your family

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

We didn't co-sleep, but honestly you have to do what you think is best. I think if it makes you happy and is safe, forget what anyone else has to say.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I am not down with co-sleeping (unless you have a co-sleeper next to the bed type of arrangement).

I get worried about the risk of suffocation for the baby and I also question how attentive you can be to the increased risks if you yourself are asleep, regardless of how light of a sleeper you may be.

Also, as previously posted, it's important for me and DH to have our space and our bed is just that.

However, that said, this is my opinion and you need to make the decision for your family.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Posted by MrsRbk

Jess - This is my opinion only... you and Dave do what you feel is right for YOUR FAMILY...

For us personally, we don't agree with co-sleeping, but that is us, and I no way judge anyone who does it. We just feel that our bed is just that OURS. As Samantha gets older and if she should have bad dreams, or is not feeling well something along those lines, then I have an open mind and am not opposed the occassional sleeping with mommy and daddy thing.

While I don't think you are doing any harm, it could cause sleep problems down the road. I've seen this with my SIL and her 3 kids. For her, she co-slept because she couldn't listen to the crying and since she was nursing, she would nurse while they both slept so she could get some shut eye herself. However, for her 2 older ones (5 & 3) it's caused some major sleep issues in that, neither one will go to sleep on their own and someone MUST stay with them until they fall asleep. Often times the 5 year old will still wake multiple times during the night and DEMAND someone sleep with him. She/my BIL give in because they don't want to hear the crying and tantrums in the middle of the night. While it's gotten better over the past year or two, it's still a pretty bad situation. She's trying to break that habit now with the 9 month old before she has these issues with him too.

Again, you do what you and Dave feel is best for the 3 of you. You are a FABULOUS MOMMY! And you know I you!!!

Message edited 11/2/2009 1:36:58 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I'm not going to babble on and on why co-sleeping is GOOD and why more people should do it. MOST of the world co-sleeps.

I'll let you read it for yourself!!

I co-slept with ALexa until about 18 weeks.... I wish she could sleep in our bed still on those cranky nights but she is very particular on where she sleeps.

Dr. James McKenna

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

look at this site. he quotes a lot of research that's been done on the topic (perhaps you can pass it along to your mom?) and also ways to transition a child out of co-sleeping that's not CIO.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Posted by Bxgell2

This really is such a deeply personal issue... and you'll get answers that totally vary on the spectrum.

We've never been co-sleepers for two reasons - one, I want to prioritize my marriage and our time together as a couple, and I don't think that would happen as easily with a baby in our bed with us after the early newborn stage. I've found with both of my children that you really have to make a conscious effort to switch gears at some point and refocus on your marriage and make it a priority, and one way of doing that is having "our" time together, alone, at the end of the day after both girls are asleep.

Reason number two - I'm a serious worrywart. I've heard of and known of too many baby deaths from co-sleeping, either by suffocation on loose sheets, blankets or pillows, or by a parent rolling over baby in their sleep by accident. The idea of cuddling with my little one all night is soooooooooo nice, but at the same time, her safety is a priority for me, more so than my need to be close to her.

Safety concerns aside, no, I don't think you can "damage" your child by co-sleeping - there are entire countries out there whose foundation for child-rearing is based on co-sleeping - I think it's natural and instinctual and shouldn't cause any longterm damage, as long as you are really mindful to set up the bed so that it doesn't pose any kind of safety risk

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

DD will be two in 2 weeks...she has been sleeping on our bed since she was an infant. Honestly...I love having her in our bed. Will the transition to her own bed be hard...heck yeah but right now I enjoy us cosleeping.

DD also ocassionally will get up looking for her paci at night...it's so much easier since I'm right there next to her.

I'm not going to lie she has fell off the bed 2x...one was at night when she was sleeping one was during the day when we were awake..she was fine both times.

I think you have to do whats best for your family.

ETA: We have a king sized bed

Message edited 11/2/2009 1:55:39 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I totally believe that you have to do what is right for your family.

I love the feeling of cosleeping with DS, and I totally get the not spending enough time with him and wanting him close.

We chose not to do it. I coslept with my parents till I was 6. I remember freaking out when they wanted me to sleep in my own bed. I also remember my dad yelling at my mom that I was way too old to be cosleeping with them and it definitely affected their marriage.

I also saw my brothers and their wifes cosleep with their children and both brothers did not get my nieces and nephews into their own beds until they were 5 yrs old.

My brother would sleep in one bed with my nephew. My SIL in my niece's room with her.

so, seeing what I saw, I knew that this type of arrangement would not work for marriage and it was not what I wanted for my marriage.

But were my nieces and nephews "harmed" by cosleeping? absolutely not. They are perfectly adjusted children, happy, and healthy.

I just couldn't make the sacrifice of my bed and my personal time with DH.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I can only see benefits from it if that is what you chose to do. I honestly believe once a baby knows and is raised in security, that is going to carry on for life.

We aren't co-sleepers... we are naked sleepers and I need a mental break from Josh.

If I wasn't with him all day, I could definitely see myself maybe taking that route.

just wanted to add...I live in a pretty crunchy attachment parenting town. These kids are so pleasant and nice. No crying, just happy playing.

Message edited 11/2/2009 2:13:35 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

i've asked my dr this question, and he said whatever is right for your family is the right answer..so if the faily bed is working, I would keep on doing it!!!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

do what you feel works best for your family and dont worry abot what other people think. There is no way you are "hurting" her by letting her sleep in bed with you.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I don't think you'll be "damaging" her. But speaking from experience, I am a step mom of a 13 year old who has had severe sleeping issues her whole life up until today. To make a long story short DH and her mother split up when she was 3. Her mother slept with her in her bed. When she came over she wanted to sleep with me and DH and I absolutely hated it. Dh didn't mind and since she was little I just shut up. I could not sleep she kicked me all night, anyway it was a nightmare. She never grew out of this fear to sleep alone. She is 13 and still has trouble sleeping alone. She has to have a tv on, lights on in her room, totally ridiculous. It's all because her mother raised her sleeping with her. Children will get into a comfort zone which is hard to break, specially once they're older. If you're willing to share your bed for many years to come then it should be no problem. If you are not however I would try and get her to her crib as soon as you feel comfortable doing so.

There are many wonderful benefits to co sleeping and you should do what is right for your family. Of course there are kids out there who transition into their own bed fine in the future, But I think most don't. Who would want to give up the security and safety of sleeping with mom and dad???
I don't like co sleeping because I need a lot of space ot sleep. I need to be comfortable. Don't worry about what anyone says and do what you feel is right.

Message edited 11/2/2009 2:26:56 PM.

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

we are co sleepers with both our children and wouldnt have it any other way my 4 yr old is extremely well adjusted ,well behaved and affectionate. I wouldnt do things differently so much so that we are co sleeping with our newborn. we too started off co sleeping with our first because of the stomach flu I dont usually get into it with others because there are many naysayers but it works for us and it wont last forever so we are enjoying it before we know it our sons will want nothing to do with us Also our marriage does not suffer - we are creative in that area

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

When it comes to your Mom and MIL putting their two cents in on a regular basis - Tell the the DOCTOR said it's fine. (whether he/she actually said XYor Z is irrelevant) whenever my Mom or MIL gets on my nerves w/ the "you should be/shouldn't be you HAVE to" train, I tell them 'THE DOCTOR SAID X" - It usually shuts them up - If not, I just say "Mind your business Grandma"

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

sweetie there's no way you could ever ever EVER "damage" emma!! it'll be natural when you both are ready to "let go" and sleep in your own beds...or it might not, and it'll be something else that you'll have to teach her...but i mean unless she's a teenager and still sleeping in your bed i doubt you have ANYTHING to worry about....side note - eww i just had a mental picture LOL.

have fun enjoying her in your bed...:) she's too precious not to want to snuggle with her each night...

oh i just thought of something - are you and dave deep sleepers? smothering would probably be the ONLY thing that would raise a flag. if you two have a big enough bed and have had "practice" sleeping with her, then i say enjoy!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

Posted by bonitachyc

sweetie there's no way you could ever ever EVER "damage" emma!! it'll be natural when you both are ready to "let go" and sleep in your own beds...or it might not, and it'll be something else that you'll have to teach her...but i mean unless she's a teenager and still sleeping in your bed i doubt you have ANYTHING to worry about....side note - eww i just had a mental picture LOL.

have fun enjoying her in your bed...:) she's too precious not to want to snuggle with her each night...

oh i just thought of something - are you and dave deep sleepers? smothering would probably be the ONLY thing that would raise a flag. if you two have a big enough bed and have had "practice" sleeping with her, then i say enjoy!

Re: Question - "family bed" related...

I never intended to have DD in our bed- but we had no a/c in her room and I didn't want to install it (was afraid she'd be too cold) so she slept in our bed for about a month when she was 6 months. From then she'd come in with us whenever she woke up in the night. So we were not true "cosleepers" but I am glad we did it. I enjoyed the experience and it was brief. And there were times when DD really needed the comfort of it.