Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

DH is CONSTANTLY bringing up moving off LI, his new place now is Orange County.....where he came up with that is unknown.

All he talks about is the cost of living here, the small properties, etc.....

He says Orange County is only 50 min. to the city...but....I DON'T WORK IN THE CITY!!!!!! He does.....
All our family is here, all our friends are here.....granted, you adjust, but at what cost?

I absolutley am not going to start to find a new job in this economy....and there's talk of actually becoming an owner of the small company I work for in a few years.....why would I leave that now?

So, my question I guess is this....what the heck am I supposed to do???????

Thanks for the life advice!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

We are in this boat too.

in the past ( pre kids) I said I would never leave. I would live in a cardboard box before leaving my family and friends. We have a HUGE support network of people on LI...and leaving all these people would seem impossible.

Well it changed once my son was born. Now that Im PG with twins, there is NO WAY we could afford a "nice" lifestyle on LI and I dont want my kids to suffer. Sure we can surround them with friends , family and Love....but at the same time I'm struggling b/c I can remain a SAHM out of NY...we can have a house with a nice yard vs. Renting forever, take vacations vs Never taking them....that sort of thing.

I think in the end we are more then likely going to look into moving south. It breaks my heart but I just cannot see how we can do it here unless we win the lottery or one of us gets an AMAZING job...

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Gina - I think your situation is very different than Donna's. You have a career that you've worked at for years (I would imagine) and he would technically be asking you to give up alot, on top of leaving your family and friends.

This is my thought process on the whole thing - yes the cost of living elsewhere is cheaper....and I may have a huge house with a big beautiful kitchen and a gorgeous yard - but what good is it if I don't have my friends and family to share it with? KWIM?

Ultimately, everyone does what is right for THEIR family - but it seems that you would be making great sacrifices!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

In my honest opinion I would rather struggle a little and be close to family and friends then move off of LI or out of State...

The cost of living is the same elsewhere the only difference is the housing you probably would be able to buy a house cheaper with more property.. but you probably wont get the same amount of pay that you would in NEw York..

IMO the only way that you would be able to move out of state and live comfortably is if you leave NY with money...

I had a friend move to FLorida and she absolutely hated it b/c she had no family down there and if she wanted to get a job she would have had to take a $10,000 pay cut and so she finally moved back to NY

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Posted by Diana1215

Gina - I think your situation is very different than Donna's. You have a career that you've worked at for years (I would imagine) and he would technically be asking you to give up alot, on top of leaving your family and friends.

This is my thought process on the whole thing - yes the cost of living elsewhere is cheaper....and I may have a huge house with a big beautiful kitchen and a gorgeous yard - but what good is it if I don't have my friends and family to share it with? KWIM?

Ultimately, everyone does what is right for THEIR family - but it seems that you would be making great sacrifices!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Posted by Diana1215

Gina - I think your situation is very different than Donna's. You have a career that you've worked at for years (I would imagine) and he would technically be asking you to give up alot, on top of leaving your family and friends.

This is my thought process on the whole thing - yes the cost of living elsewhere is cheaper....and I may have a huge house with a big beautiful kitchen and a gorgeous yard - but what good is it if I don't have my friends and family to share it with? KWIM?

Ultimately, everyone does what is right for THEIR family - but it seems that you would be making great sacrifices!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Umm, I won't even move to Suffolk b/c I don't want to be too far from family. I like to be able to drop by and have short visits - I don't want to have to plan a day, or weekend to see my family.

So, if it were me - no I wouldn't be moving up to Orange County. You have a lot going for you here!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

It's a hard situation to be in. Everyone is different. For me, I have lived oos before, and while I had a great time, my relationships with my family and friends here suffered. It is inevitable. The closeness just isn't the same.

Then I finally moved back to li and suddenly lost my father 4 months later. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I had come back sooner.

I can't get that time with him back, but I refuse to give up any more time with my remaining relatives. My family is one of my top priorities in life. I truly enjoy spending time with them on a regular basis. Yes, cost of living would be cheaper elsewhere, but for me, I would be sacrificing other important aspects of my life. My first child is due in a few weeks, and I refuse to let him/her grow up not being around my family on a regular basis.

Life is short, you never know when it is going to change for the better or worse. I make sure we have money to own our home, make it a nice place to live and have some money in the bank just in case. Does it require me keeping tabs on our paychecks and expenditures? Sure. But that is something I am more than happy to do. If I couldn't afford it, I would make the appropriate changes, but I still wouldn't leave li.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Message edited 3/27/2009 1:05:48 PM.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

leaving a career would be a BIG thing for me ...something I probably wouldnt be able to give up easily...if at all.

See for us...I agree with Diana...what good is a nice house without people to share it with....but we arent making it AT ALL here... Its more about thriving vs. just surviving.

I have to do whats best for my kids above myself and my needs.

Plus we do know certain family members would follow us , so thats a huge huge plus...

It is to me one of the hardest things to consider if you are close with family and or have close friends.

I think if you are in a safe enough place finacially, career wise etc, it would take A LOT, I mean a LOT for me to move just to maybe do a little better.

Men think differently then women...they really do, they are about quick fixes and they dont get as socially attached, so its a lot easier for them to just cut ties.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

I can't tell you what is best for you and your family--you really need to decide what is right for you.

I can speak as a Mom who has very few family or friends nearby though. It's hard at times, and as DH gets older, I wish he had more adults in his life other than DH and me. And some cousins. But my family is scattered, and most live in areas where it would be hard for us to find work. I've started to make some friends in our town, but it is a slow process.

I don't know if your families help much with DC now, but picture not having any of that, or needing to find a babysitter and paying that person to watch your child. DH and I go out once every couple months, but that's it--anymore than that gets too expensive. If you do decide to relocate, I would really look at the town and it's resources--are there programs and activities where you could meet other parents? Are there lots of families with young children? All things to think about.

My reaction after reading your post is that I would stay put, but as I said, your family needs to make your own decisions, and this may not be the right one for you.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

I always think of my family situation when the talk of OOS comes up.

My dad has a sister and a brother. His brother moved to NC about 20+ years ago.

We see my aunt and cousins who live on LI probably eveyr single weekend. ALl of the kids are super super close and my cousins are like my best friends/siblings.

My uncle (who is OOS) and his wife and daughter maybe come up once a year as a family - if that. We don't exchange gifts with them for holidays, they don't know our inside family jokes, they don't come on family vacations with us etc. They are soooooo far removed from our family. I would never want my child to grow up not having his close family around him. I would never want to feel excluded from my family.

Again - this is only my family situation and I'm sure there are plenty of families that remain really close - my uncle just isn't one of them

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Its funny..I never saw myself living far from family, thought I'd always be a NY girl.

But life found me moving to DC to be with my DH (then my boyfriend) and now we are in arlington, VA and he works for a great government position.

It was hard for me after DS was born to not have family always around. But it was the situation and I made the best of it that I could. I traveled back and forth to NY with Johnny when I needed to see my family and friends, and they visit often as well.

We are now talking about settling in MD somewhere close to DH's new job (which will prob start in August). I am getting excited about buying our first home (We can get a nice 4 bedroom place for 200's there!) and it puts me that much closer to NY (3.5 hour drive...very doable).

Is it the IDEAL situation? No. But it woudln't be ideal to me to be completely struggling on long island. And never thought I'd say this, but my desire to live on long island is pretty much gone.

I've realized that you become adaptable and things work out usually for the best. My brother is in NJ, other brother looking to move to NC, my mom has no clue where she is going etc...so really no one is staying around for long. Kinda sad it has to be that way today but its either struggle and be close or move and be ok financially. Never an easy way!!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

I see all sides...I am as close as close can be to my family. We spent the first 5 years of our marriage living in their home...no issues. We love each other and love being around each other.

We worked in the city. That was a very long commute. One that I did not feel comfortable making while being a parent. My parents had their own kids in HS and their own mortgage, retirement is far off.

So, if I stayed in NY...it would have been in a very overpriced semi. I would be working, DH would be working...my family works. So it would be an empty overpriced semi. I would never see my baby due to my commute.

If I stayed in NY and was a sahm...basement apt for sure. DH would still be commuting, my family would still be working. In years to come, I would have to pay for catholic school.

Do I miss my family? of course. Tons. Would my life be completely different if I had my mother and sisters around? unbelieveably. My mother is heartbroken all the time. She's now in therapy over the unjustice that was done to her. A grandmother without a baby.

I moved though. I sah. DH's commute is 20 minutes. Brand new, small townhouse. Pool, gym, fitness center. Schools are better then great. We still have our housefund after buying. We still have our savings, 401K. We vacation. So, it is a small townhouse, but not an empty one. I will always be there with my baby. Our schedules work around DHs.

So, in one way we moved away from my family, but in another the move made it possible for my immediate family to be closer.

We are going to NY for a week in April. My parents are coming down for 2 weeks in May. We go back up the end of June.

And its not easy. I hope one day someone from my family makes the move, anyone. You really are flying without a net when you move away from everyone.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

As someone who has NO family on LI, I can tell you that I would dream to have parents, IL's family that could babysit, even for just 1 hour per week.

We have NO support what so ever and it's tough. I work PT and a SAHM during the week (daycare costs were killing us).

I probably could work anywhere granted I might have to take a State exam to practice in another State depending on the State. DH cannot.

With a "career" like yours and family. I would not leave.

However in Donna's situation I might consider leaving somewhere where you can make it on 1 income.

My mom lives overseas. You cannot imagine how sad it is for both of us. She cannot see DS grow as often as if she lived close by. I miss her. I would love for her to have time with DS and him to see his grandma.

Message edited 3/27/2009 2:01:46 PM.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

such a tough question, and a huge issue for us.

dh and i came to north carolina to do our medical residencies so that we could own a home, as opposed to renting a shoebox in nyc.

we were planning to move back to new york after residency was finished... until we realized that the salaries in our field are more or less the same throughout the country, no matter what the cost of living is

meaning we could live decently in NY, versus extremely well somewhere else...

ultimately we decided against moving back because i want the option of not working so hard - maybe being able to do part-time for a while while i raise my kids. that just wouldn't be possible for us in NY.

BUT it was also extremely upsetting to be raising our children without family around...

so as a compromise we've actually decided to move to florida, where Dh's family lives. the cost of living is more than NC, but less than NY. and we'll be able to send our kids to excellent public schools. and they'll be around grandparents and cousins.

in the end, i think it's all about weighing the pros and cons and figuring out what you are and aren't willing to give up...

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Before my mother passed away, I would never consider leaving NY. Now, nothing is really keeping me here. DH may feel differently though as his parents are here. I would like to live in a suburb of a city. I need to have a yard, yet be close to culture. I want to own a home but I do not want to struggle. The places on LI that we would consider buying in are not feasible financially.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

I think this is a very subjective question that only you can truly answer for yourself. I think it depends on the type of person you are. Are you very close with your family friends to the point where your daily/weekly life involves them? Do you depend on them if you need something - as in, are you comfortable hiring someone to watch DC vs. having a family member watch them or hiring people vs. having family help you out when you need it?

For me, although I really hate having to stay in this area for so many reasons - I couldn't live anywhere else - especially now. I am very close with my family and DS sees at least one family member almost every day - i love stopping by there and them stopping by here - I love that my mom can watch DS if need be and I don't have to leave him with someone I don't know. I want my children to grow up surrounded by family... With respect to friends - my friends live all over the place so it really isn't that much of an issue b/c i would drive to them and vice versa regardless.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

This is a really hard decision to make.

I am a SAHM so I don't have the job security that you do and if I had to leave my career that I loved that also had a promise of a great future, I would have to fight to save that.

But being a SAHM, I know how hard it is to live here and raise a family. I live WAY WAY out east where it is just OUTrageous. Thank god my DH has a stable, well paying job that allows us to live here on one income. We live extremely close to a lot of my family, my parents are over almost once a day and I have a great group of friends that DD has been friends with since she was born.

Moving OOS would not be an option for me. If need be...I would absolutely HAVE to get a job to help support my family. There would be no question about it. I have the luxury of being a SAHM, but in a heartbeat, if my family was struggling, I would get a job immediately. Sure a lot of it would go to daycare, but I would have to do it if I wanted to stay here near all my family and friends. There is affordable day care out there, so I would find a job to help support my family that would allow us to remain in our home. To me, being near family and friends is just too important.

I wish you the best and hope that you and your DH can come to an amicable solution that works best for both of you.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

Hey G...

I am crashing to give you a little perspective, since this is something that we are discussing.

our house is in Orange Country.

I work in the city, and dh works all over, commuting quite often to LI for clients (albiet mostly Nassau...i'd say Plainview is the furthest out he goes right now)

believe it or not, the drive from where we are (which is fairly deep into OC, we are closer to Sullivan County than we are to the Orange Border) is not that bad at all.

He gets to his client in Plainview in about 1:40. YES, it's a lot of driving...but traffic wise, it's not as bad as you think. and obviously, the closer to the river you live, the more time gets cut off the commute.

it would still be asking a lot...I would imagine it would eventually make you want to work from home a few days if that were possible...or reduce your hours IN the office daily to make up for the commute...

however, as far as the child, my child will NEVER go to school in a place that neither of us cannot easily get to. b/c of that, our child will be enrolled in a school where we work or near our apt in Brooklyn, regardless of where we are laying our heads most nights...even if that means Catholic School.

Just wanted to give you another perspective. Good luck!

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

DH and I always go back and forth with this because it's tempting to leave the island but we also have our families here and our friends of over 20 years!!! That's hard to replace. However, the cost of living her is brutal and it just makes life so much harder than it needs to be.

Here's the thing, I can tell you from first hand experience that it is VERY hard being away from everyone you know. We moved right after college and lived in FL for 4 years and it was NOT easy. Yes, everything was cheaper and lucky for us my DH made a NY salary down so I would never have had to work but it's lonely. And back then it was just us, I can't imagine what it would be like now that we have Emerson.

It's hard to miss the holidays, family events, BBQ's with friends, funerals, weddings, baptisms, etc. We missed a lot because the fact is, once you move it's hard to keep coming back and forth because you have your own life somewhere else. There are benefits to leaving the island, no doubt, but you would be giving up a lot so there is much to consider. It was hard for me so we moved back. Part of me wishes I didn't because financially we would have been better off staying out of NY but there is something to be said for close friends and family.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

No Advice.. but were in same boat. DH and I are looking into a house and on LI its just not feesable.. Today I added up all our monthly necessary espenses and the only way we could possible just make it with a house is for both to work FT.. which means both DDs in daycare.. and thats not going to work.. to $$$ especially 2 in. Its soo upsetting.

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

We are actually struggling with this decision ourselves. My DH works in the city also ~ we were going to start going for weekend trips to look at different towns etc. Not sure if our future will be here on LI

Re: Sorta Spinoff: Moving off LI/Out of state vs. staying near family and "struggling"

We are also starting to think about this. I really do not want to leave my family, but it is getting too tough to live here. Any money I would make would go straight to child care, making working worthless. We cannot afford to live here on DH's salary alone. Its so depressing and totally outrageous that the cost of living on LI is so high that so many people who grew up here have to consider leaving - and can't raise their families where they were raised.

Message edited 3/27/2009 5:52:52 PM.