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when
Maybe this time?
Member since 7/07 1761 total posts
Name:
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Stupidest Comments People Make
What are some of the stupidest things people said to you after your mc in an effort to make you feel better, which ultimately set you off and/or upset you?
Two of mine include:
"It'll only make you stronger."
and
"well, now you'll be able to travel a bit more"
I know that people mean well....but really, they'd be better off just keeping their mouths SHUT.
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Posted 9/25/08 10:27 AM  |
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
ughhh... i can probably write a book...
my all time WORST comment is.....
" well at least you CAN get pregnant" 
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| Posted 9/25/08 10:33 AM |
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jam11308
Member since 11/07 7273 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
One of my oldest friends & I hung out 3 days afterwards, so I told her both that I had been pg and that I had had an mc at the same time. Her reply was "WOW congratulations!!! At least you know now that you can get pregnant!!" with a BIG smile! I wanted to die...
In retrospect, I know that she didn't mean to hurt me & since then she's been very careful with her selection of words. Having never experienced it herself, I think that her response was because she knew that I've had "women issues" for years & that it might be difficult for me to conceive...she focused on that instead, not knowing how badly it hurt. I can understand that now
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| Posted 9/25/08 10:34 AM |
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MetsGirl07
LIF O2 Vendor
Member since 12/07 16202 total posts
Name:
Deanna
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by jam11308
One of my oldest friends & I hung out 3 days afterwards, so I told her both that I had been pg and that I had had an mc at the same time. Her reply was "WOW congratulations!!! At least you know now that you can get pregnant!!" with a BIG smile! I wanted to die...
In retrospect, I know that she didn't mean to hurt me & since then she's been very careful with her selection of words. Having never experienced it herself, I think that her response was because she knew that I've had "women issues" for years & that it might be difficult for me to conceive...she focused on that instead, not knowing how badly it hurt. I can understand that now
omg..i remember you were telling me this... i would have slapped her... how rude 
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| Posted 9/25/08 10:37 AM |
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sunflowerdmsrn
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/08 838 total posts
Name:
Dawn
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I got the "Well, at least you can get pregnant" comment both times.
The one that hurt me the most was from a coworker that didn't like me much and was extremely jealous of my life said "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND".
That was like a bullet to the uterus.
This pregnancy now I had a scare in the beginning because it was hard to see and they weren't sure if this was a true pregnany. The doctor says to me while I am in tears "Don't worry you already have a beautiful baby right here"
Thanks I know I have a baby but that doesn't mean I dont' deserve another. Thank god everything so far is ok.
I feel for you girls.
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| Posted 9/25/08 10:51 AM |
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sleepie76
enjoying every minute
Member since 12/07 3881 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
It wasn't meant to be.
what the heck is that supposed to mean ???
I hate that one.
Message edited 9/25/2008 11:05:15 AM.
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| Posted 9/25/08 11:04 AM |
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sleepie76
enjoying every minute
Member since 12/07 3881 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by sunflowerdmsrn
The one that hurt me the most was from a coworker that didn't like me much and was extremely jealous of my life said "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND".
That was like a bullet to the uterus.
That is unbelievable! What kind of person says that!
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| Posted 9/25/08 11:06 AM |
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JennyPenny
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Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I can't really think of any that stick out in my mind. I have gotten the- At least you know you can get pregnant, and it wasn't meant to be.
I just let most things go, though, now because I know people mean well, they just don't know what to say.
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| Posted 9/25/08 11:13 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I was in the middle of my m/c when my step mother (a therapist no less), told me she thought I was over-reacting and I needed to get over it and move on and she couldn't understand why I was using the word "devastated"
Meanwhile, this was my first IVF attempt after we'd been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years at that point.
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| Posted 9/25/08 11:57 AM |
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sweetdreamz1181
Baby Girl on the way!
Member since 1/08 2186 total posts
Name:
Jackie
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
i got many but the ones that bother me most are
It wasnt meant to be
At least you know you can get pregnant
I dont like to fly so i didnt go on a honeymoon far away and at least 4 people were like just go away get on a plane enjoy ur life then have kids
umm having kids would be more of a joy in my life then having to be drugged to get on a plane
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| Posted 9/25/08 12:47 PM |
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QueSeraSera
Sugar & Spice
Member since 7/08 1351 total posts
Name:
Liz
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by sunflowerdmsrn
The one that hurt me the most was from a coworker that didn't like me much and was extremely jealous of my life said "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND".
That was like a bullet to the uterus.
 That is pure evil. I can't believe someone said that to you!
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| Posted 9/25/08 12:49 PM |
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IrishLasss334
I'll be there soon!
Member since 1/08 6549 total posts
Name:
Patty
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
after the first 2 losses it was:
"It was meant to be". which sucks.
"You'll have another one." WELL, I WANTED THIS ONE! And, you don't know that for sure.
After the 3rd one, when I found out the baby had Downs Syndrome it was
"Well, you are 40.". Like I should have expected it.
I'm completely convinced it's stupid comments like this that makes people keep it to themselves and not share their loss. It's hard to remember that people are trying to be supportive and actually just don't know what to say to you.
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| Posted 9/25/08 12:55 PM |
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jam11308
Member since 11/07 7273 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by QueSeraSera
Posted by sunflowerdmsrn
The one that hurt me the most was from a coworker that didn't like me much and was extremely jealous of my life said "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND".
That was like a bullet to the uterus.
That is pure evil. I can't believe someone said that to you!
That really IS pure evil...I can't believe it either  She better watch out - if she really believes that then she's got some bad karma heading her way...
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| Posted 9/25/08 7:15 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I hate that people just dont think before they talk.
It may not seem mean or rude but at the hosp. On Sun, a nurse said, I'll be anything your PG again in 3 months. I wanted to say well it took 3 yrs for this one, so I doubt that, but sometimes it best to just smile and nod.
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| Posted 9/25/08 7:51 PM |
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dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
It wasn't meant to be.
At least you conceived, a lot of people can't.
Better that it happens now instead of later on in the pregnancy. That one had me 
All of these comments were from people really meaning to comfort me.
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| Posted 9/25/08 8:24 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by MetsGirl07
ughhh... i can probably write a book...
my all time WORST comment is.....
" well at least you CAN get pregnant"
This was the #1 thing that ppl said to me... after 4 1/2 year of trying, it wasn't quite the outcome I was hoping for.  
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| Posted 9/25/08 9:24 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by dgirl
Better that it happens now instead of later on in the pregnancy. That one had me
My DB said this to me. Mind you he has 2 beautiful kids and not a day of IF 'struggles' or even TTC 'struggles' since they got pg the first month they were trying the first time and the 2nd one they were just 'thinking' about trying to start again.
His point was (in my case) that at least we hadn't seen or heard the heartbeat, or had sonogram pics.... which he thought would've made it much worse for us- and he may be right... I'm not so sure though. All I needed was that 2nd line on the PG test and I was head over heels in love.... instantly. Ugh.... I know ppl mean well, but sometimes I'm sorry is good enough- there's nothing else anyone can say to fix it or bring them back.
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| Posted 9/25/08 9:28 PM |
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jennyal
LIF Adult
Member since 8/07 1430 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by jam11308
One of my oldest friends & I hung out 3 days afterwards, so I told her both that I had been pg and that I had had an mc at the same time. Her reply was "WOW congratulations!!! At least you know now that you can get pregnant!!" with a BIG smile! I wanted to die...
In retrospect, I know that she didn't mean to hurt me & since then she's been very careful with her selection of words. Having never experienced it herself, I think that her response was because she knew that I've had "women issues" for years & that it might be difficult for me to conceive...she focused on that instead, not knowing how badly it hurt. I can understand that now
what an *itch!
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| Posted 9/25/08 9:36 PM |
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Sneezy
Thankful for my miracle!
Member since 5/05 1939 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
After my ectopic, one of my best friends who was 7 months pregnant at the time said, "Well, everything happens for a reason."
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
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| Posted 9/25/08 10:29 PM |
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kahlua716
3 Girls for Me!
Member since 8/07 12475 total posts
Name:
Keri
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by Sneezy
Do you want to tell me what stupid reason exists for this, @$$hole?
Many times miscarriages occur when there is something wong with the fetus-maybe that is what she meant.
I know that when my sister had a miscarriage I said a few of these things- of course not while she was in the hospital or anything- but as she was recovering.
It was kind of a silver lining thing- you know- at least you know now that conceiving isn't the problem (which I now know wasn't exactly true) and that things DO happen for a reason (meaning the problem was most likely a chromosomal abnormality) and that it was better off that she had a miscarriage than that she went full term and delivered a baby that would not survive.
I see now that these things are hurtful- but it is hurtful to me to see that I could've been being called an a$$hole behind my back just because I can't understand and was trying to be nice.
I'm glad I know now to just keep my mouth shut.
PS- sorry for crashing- just wanted to give the other side of the coin, in my case anyway.
 
Message edited 9/26/2008 10:39:57 AM.
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| Posted 9/26/08 10:37 AM |
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maybeamommy
Blessed beyond belief
Member since 10/07 17048 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
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| Posted 9/26/08 11:21 AM |
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Angel321
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Member since 4/08 15553 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I hope you all know that this thread is helping me learn the things I shouldn't do...but I do have to echo Maybeamommy's sentiment... What IS okay to say???
as an outsider looking in....i think when people say SOME things, you have to consider the source.
in my case - i truly have doubts that i am going to be capable of getting pregnant on my own (due to health issues, etc.), without medical intervention, so the fact that you ladies were able to conceive...while it did not end in a way ANYONE would ever wish, you were capable of doing something that millions of people cannot (myself included)...
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| Posted 9/26/08 11:28 AM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
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| Posted 9/26/08 11:41 AM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
Name:
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by maybeamommy
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
I've been trying for over 4 1/2 years. I've been through clomid, IUIs, and now IVF... all to get pregnant and then miscarry. "at least you can get pregnant" isn't comforting to me--- who cares if you can GET pregnant if you can't STAY pregnant- to me, now having gone through it, it hursts worse than had I just gotten yet another BFN- b/c now I know there was a life at stake, and our baby is gone.
The reason I quoted what you wrote (and my above paragraph isn't directed at you but just in general).... is because I think that if those people KNOW that you've been trying that long, they should either keep their mouth shut, or just say once again as in my PP, "I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish nothing but good things for you. I'm here for you".
Unfortunately, 99.9% of things ppl say in both of these situations are things that we on the other end could live w/o. JMO.
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| Posted 9/26/08 11:45 AM |
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MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
ITA w/ this. If you don't know what to say, this is the best answer. I really didn't want to talk about my m/c witih anyone other than my husband. The best thing to do is just let that person know you are there for them if they need to talk and leave it at that. I secluded myself for a while, did not answer the phone, emails, etc, until I was ready to.
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| Posted 9/26/08 11:50 AM |
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