| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: 1 [2] |
sleepie76
enjoying every minute
Member since 12/07 3881 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by maybeamommy
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
I agree. I think it's similar to the same situation with comments that you get TTC.
Perhaps it's the frequency you hear them and get tired of hearing them. I think in both TTC & miscarriage situations there is nothing anyone can say that can make it better.
I prefer :
"thats sucks"
"i'm sorry"
"it will happen"
I think that covers it and is enough said.
I hated "it wasn't meant to be" or "it just wasn't the right time."
I felt it implies that the pregnancy was taken away for a reason and that was the last thing I wanted to hear a couple days after a loss.
none of the other ones bother me, but that is probably because I don't talk about my miscarriages IRL, so I dont get the comments as frequently.
Message edited 9/26/2008 12:22:04 PM.
|
Posted 9/26/08 12:19 PM  |
| |
|
mom2mgn
Love my family
Member since 2/08 2267 total posts
Name:
Christine
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
Exactly. Or, just a hug helps.
My MIL said to me "oh, well, you really didn't need another one anyway" !!!!!!!! I still hate her for saying that. Out of the million of things you could have said, you come up with that????!!!!
|
| Posted 9/26/08 1:04 PM |
| |
|
IrishLasss334
I'll be there soon!
Member since 1/08 6549 total posts
Name:
Patty
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by myson220
Posted by MrsMessina
There really is nothing to say to someone going through this except:
"I'm sorry, and I'm here for you". :hug (or just I'm sorry)...
Exactly. Or, just a hug helps.
My MIL said to me "oh, well, you really didn't need another one anyway" !!!!!!!! I still hate her for saying that. Out of the million of things you could have said, you come up with that????!!!!
OMG, I think I would have killed her.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 1:08 PM |
| |
|
JennyPenny
?
Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
Message edited 9/26/2008 2:26:34 PM.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 2:16 PM |
| |
|
MrsRbk
<3 <3 <3 <3
Member since 1/06 19197 total posts
Name:
Michelle
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by JennyPenny
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her. 
|
| Posted 9/26/08 2:56 PM |
| |
|
JennyPenny
?
Member since 1/08 12702 total posts
Name:
Jen
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by MrsRbk
Posted by JennyPenny
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her.
I know that noone was calling her that. The reason I said that was because my sister said that since she said those things to me when I miscarried, she was hurt that she could have been being called an a-hole behind her back because of what she was saying. I was just reassuring her that that wasn't the case, because not everyone feels the way some of these ladies feel about the "comforting" advice people try to give.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 3:23 PM |
| |
|
LemonHead
Sour Girl
Member since 3/08 5271 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
My neighbor actually said, "Well, your house is too small anyway. Where would you have put the baby?"
|
| Posted 9/26/08 3:57 PM |
| |
|
dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
Name:
Danielle
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by maybeamommy
If you don't mind my asking...
What would be something appropriate to say?
I don't mean that in a mean way at all, I am literally just curious of what you could say to someone in that situation.
I read all of the comments and have realized that I have said many of those things before (NOT what goes around comes around!) but things like "It wasn't meant to be" or "At least you know you can get pregnant" or "Better now than later in the pregancy") and I never meant them to be hurtful at all, I always thought of them as sort of comforting things to say in a difficult and very uncomfortable time.
I think sometimes we try to look for the positive in situations, instead of dwelling on the negative.
It's like when people say things to me about TTC - "Just relax and it will happen" - or things like that. I try not to let them bother me because I know the person means well. What would I rather them say? "You've been trying 13 months? Sounds like it will NEVER happen for you. That's too bad!" Of course not, right? I think it's one of those situations where you just don't know what to say, so you fall back on those lovely cliches. KWIM?
This is such a good question and the very things that hurt me or upset me that people said are things I could have said before going through this.
The most comforting things that have been said to me are:
"I'm so sorry for your loss"
"I'm here for you."
Also friends / family just saying to come over or out even if all we want to do is cry on their shoulder or scream our heads off at how much it hurts. I think it is the positive spin that makes me feel bad because from my point of view, when I am really hurting, there is just no possible upside.
But I do know and acknowledge that nobody has said anything maliciously to me.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 4:02 PM |
| |
|
sleepie76
enjoying every minute
Member since 12/07 3881 total posts
Name:
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by JennyPenny
Posted by MrsRbk
Posted by JennyPenny
Some things are hurtful, yes, but nothing you said to me was hurtful. You were very comforting and supportive, and I am very glad you were there in my time of need.
Don't listen to these people. You are not an @sshole, and were never perceived as one. Do not "keep your mouth shut" next time. (hopefully there won't be one)
These women are still healing and do not pertain to me. If I ever have to go through another miscarriage, it is nice to know you will be there for me.
PS This is not to offend anyone. Just have to speak my mind and defend my sister.
I understand wanting to defend your sister, but nowhere here did anyone call her an @sshole. The OP was just expressing her emotions towards the person that said that to her.
I know that noone was calling her that. The reason I said that was because my sister said that since she said those things to me when I miscarried, she was hurt that she could have been being called an a-hole behind her back because of what she was saying. I was just reassuring her that that wasn't the case, because not everyone feels the way some of these ladies feel about the "comforting" advice people try to give.
I don't think anyone should take anything on this board (or any board) personally.
The poster responded passionately with an @ssole, I'm sure there was more to that situation/story than she shared. It probably had to do with more than just the comment.
Some ladies are still hurting/bitter/angry etc and that is what this board was created for. They should be able to vent and say whatever they want.
I know that anything my family has said has always been taken as kind, even if it didnt always come out the right way.
I also know that my sister who had 4 kids by blinking an eye is such a support system for me and any comments that I didn't like I passed over because I know where they come from is a good place. She doesn't really understand what I'm going thru (which sometimes come thru in her comments) but she is my biggest fan and cheerleader. I'm thankful everyday for her.
I don't want to start a war, but I think she should be allowed to post her response without worrying about offending someone.
I understand where both of you are coming from.
I can also tell by your posts that you both have a great sister and are very fortunate.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 9:19 PM |
| |
|
kahlua716
3 Girls for Me!
Member since 8/07 12475 total posts
Name:
Keri
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
sorry- wasn't trying to cause drama- just trying to show the reason why people say what they do.
She has every right to think of people as a-holes, I was just explaining why that may not be the case though.
|
| Posted 9/26/08 10:34 PM |
| |
|
Rycois
Blessed with 2blue/2pink
Member since 12/05 13341 total posts
Name:
J
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
Posted by kahlua716
sorry- wasn't trying to cause drama- just trying to show the reason why people say what they do.
She has every right to think of people as a-holes, I was just explaining why that may not be the case though.
Having had a m/c I heard all these lines as well,
"wasn't meant to be"
"happens for a reason"
"at least you know you can get pg"
And honestly, I didn't take offense - or at least now believe all these lines b/c now I have a healthy son. Honestly, at the time, we tried about 7 months - i wasn't sure if we were experiencing IF - we had just made an appt to see and I got my BFP. So, I honestly did take comfort in knowing I could get pg. And, now that I have my son and think that had I not lost the first pg he would not be here, yes, now I believe everything happens for a reason - b/c I can't think of my life without Ryan.
But of course everyone is different and I think in general it's just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm here for you".
|
| Posted 9/27/08 6:13 PM |
| |
|
JEKS1219
LIF Infant
Member since 9/08 163 total posts
Name:
Jen
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I've been hearing "Well, think of the fun you can have trying again."
My husbands friend "Well at least you know its not your "boys" that caused the problem." I REALLY dont like him and now I know why
|
| Posted 10/1/08 7:52 PM |
| |
|
patti08
Happy
Member since 5/05 3893 total posts
Name:
Patti
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
"Well at least it was early and you weren't attached to the baby." - I was stunned to silence when I heard this one.
A close relative said "Oh I was so looking forward to a baby in April, I'm so sad, I was really excited about this" I know their intentions were good but this was NOT what I needed to hear.
|
| Posted 10/2/08 1:12 PM |
| |
|
neener1211
:-)
Member since 4/07 22952 total posts
Name:
J
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I wanted to add a good comment, one that made me feel better. I can remember the exact moment it was said to me-it stuck with me and still makes me cry (like I am writing it).
My mom said to me while in tears, "Janine, I do not know why God is taking this baby away from us, but maybe it is because he wants us to really meet the next baby. Without losing this child, we would never get to meet the next child."
I don't know why this made me feel better, but it did.
|
| Posted 10/2/08 2:18 PM |
| |
|
sfp0701
Liam's Mommy!
Member since 1/07 9764 total posts
Name:
Tricia
|
Re: Stupidest Comments People Make
I also had people say.. " You are too youg for a baby anyway and your house is too small. What would you do with a baby.". Actually those comments were all from one person and she said them over and over.....
|
| Posted 10/2/08 3:29 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: 1 [2] |
