Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Marriage or having your children?


At a recent family gathering, everyone was telling my soon-to-be married cousins that the first year of marriage is the hardest year they will face while married.

While DH and I went through the most devastating loss a couple can experience in our first few months of marriage, we were able to lean on each other. Going to bereavement counseling also helped us tremendously as a couple. Everything we needed to do was focused on each other.

As horrific as that year was, I can honestly say that this first year with Victoria is the hardest on us as a couple. With DH's erratic work schedule and never having the same schedule every day - it has really made it impossible to get into a regular routine as parents. Victoria has a routine no matter which one of us is taking care of her or if we both are.
That has been a huge part of our challenges every single day with no end still in sight. We have agreed to somehow make more time for each other, we just need to find that time since we don't even have the same days off. Needless to say, it did nothing to help our relationship when we only see each other sometimes for an hour or two and usually that time was reserved for "family time" such as running errands, having a meal as a family or just playing and bonding with our daughter.

So which year was the harder adjustment for you?

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Our 1st year of marriage went very smooth. We lived together for 4 years before we got married so the kinks were out already, but I have to say the 1st year with kids was MUCH harder than that 1st year living together hands down-emotionally and physically.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

I laughed out loud even reading the question!

first year of marriage was bliss.

first year of baby was a complete miss.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Honestly, I think so far we have handled both pretty well. We had DS 11 months after we got married so the 2 somewhat coincided.

Even tough DS is only 8.5 months, I will say havng the baby has been slightly more challenging. It's one thing to learn to live as husband and wife... it was easy for us as we lived together while engaged... but throwing a baby into the mix now forces us to focus on someone other than ourselves.

All in all, I wouldn't say either has been so hard that it has caused problems with our marriage.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Not in the same ballpark....not even the same sport....

1st year of marriage, if we didn't get much sleep, it's because of.....

1st year of DC.... we NEVER got enough sleep, EVERY night.....

Marriage - if one or both are stressed, just go do something fun, either together or separate.

DC - you are both ALWAYS stressed, and there is no popping out for a weekend trip, or a spontaneous romantic dinner.

I would never trade either one, but DC were much more work by far.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

DS is a great kid but it is nothing like being married/living with DH at the beginning.

Since having DS, I am sleep deprived, lost of lot of personal freedom, it's no longer get up and go. Everything revolves around DS. Simply because of his age and he is completely dependent on us for everything. It's draining! When DH and I were just together.... Ahhh the good old days!

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

For us I have to say OTHER. Since we each came into this relationship with children we knew what to expect when DS was born..I knew how hands on DH was/is.

We lived together for a year before we got married so we had adjusted to each others idiosyncrasies.

For us Im going to say it was the first year of our relationship, in general, that was the hardest for us..We were both going through divorces which made things difficult on us and there were a ton of things going on that truly tested our committment to one another..

After that first year was over it was a piece of cake..

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

I was preg. pretty much the whole first year of marriage...got married the end of March 07 DD was born Jan 2/08...first year of marriage was pretty good...ill get back to you on the first year of her life lol so far its pretty good too!

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Posted by Janice

I laughed out loud even reading the question!

first year of marriage was bliss.

first year of baby was a complete miss.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

I would say other.

I think the second year after they were born has been harder for us. The first year we were on autopilot. There was so much going on with NICU stays and with subsequent issues with Joseph that we never got to even deal with all of it until they were fine and over a year. That is when it was a bit rough. My emotions were out of whack, and I was finally able to deal with all that had happened and I was not dealing with it well.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Marriage!!!

WE never lived together. Now I realize that was a mistake. DH switched jobs and that caused a lot of stress. I think I had unrealistically high expectations of newlywed bliss. It was a tough year that I was unprepared for!

This past year, DS is 11 months old, has made us so much closer and stronger as we have this miracle to love. Our bond is much deeper. DH is a great, invovled dad and I have fallen in love with him again

Not that we aren't crazy tired from DS, but it's been a great year!

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

The 1st yr of having a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the hardest thing in my marriage EVER.

I 100% believe no one prepares you or warns you about this.

I talk about it a lot, mainly b/c I was ILL PREPARED for the changes and adjustments and when I ask others about it, they look at me like Im nuts.

I KNOW IM NOT.

I talk to NEW moms and they say the same thing.

I feel sad that many women are not honest about it b/c I truly believe that for "most" its harder then you would think.

For those its easy on, I envy you

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Neither were hard for me.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

OMG...hands down having children!

I married my best friend and it was a very easy transition. Our routine, our plans, our world have completely been changed!

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Posted by dm24angel

The 1st yr of having a baby has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the hardest thing in my marriage EVER.

I 100% believe no one prepares you or warns you about this.

I talk about it a lot, mainly b/c I was ILL PREPARED for the changes and adjustments and when I ask others about it, they look at me like Im nuts.

I KNOW IM NOT.

I talk to NEW moms and they say the same thing.

I feel sad that many women are not honest about it b/c I truly believe that for "most" its harder then you would think.

For those its easy on, I envy you

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

This is a hard one. Bc relationship wise I think the first year of marriage was harder on us.

Raising a baby is damn hard too though so this has also been hard and we've def. had our ups and downs adjusting to it. I think that until people figure out their "roles" as parents its going to be a roller coaster. I would have to say the first 4 months or so of parenting were extremely hard. It did get much easier as time went on.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

For us it would be having Ella and adjusting to alot of things. I must say in the beginning it was rough but now everything is back to normal the way it used to be.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

how is this even a question?
I will tell you..if you dont have a strong marriage the 1st year with a kid will nearly destroy you

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

My first year of marriage and first year having a baby were kind of the same! (we found out I was pregnant 5 days after the wedding )

It has been BY FAR the hardest year of my life. DH and I were just talking about this last night as DD approaches her 1st b-day. I went through SO many changes after having DD. I'm not afraid to admit any of it. Having a baby changed mine and DH's life in more ways than I think we expected. It threw this dynamic into the mix that we weren't expecting. I went through some serious hormonal and emotional changes that I didn't expect. Having DD changed me in more ways than one.

But at the same time...it's been the best year, KWIM?

Message edited 5/22/2008 9:05:50 AM.

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Neither... does that make me a freak, lol?

We had DD first and she brought us closer and we got married when she was 11 months old.

I guess I can't fully answer, though, we've only been married for 6 months... I'll report back in November!

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....

Re: Which do you feel was harder? The first year of....