Why June 4th is an important day for me... A letter to Cailen...

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Why June 4th is an important day for me... A letter to Cailen...

Dear Cailen,

I spent 8 weeks at home with you. 8 weeks getting to know this tiny little stranger who took over my life. And there were so many doubt-filled moments when I wished for my old life back. I loved you so much – but you were so new, so tiny, and so fragile. And I was so scared. So inexperienced at this whole “mommy” thing. Every morning before I had you, my life was so predictable. I woke up from a full night’s sleep, groggily stepped into the shower, wore my same work clothes, quietly applied my makeup, and stumbled out into my day. And then that life ended when I had you. It was one long day of no sleep, no food, and endless cups of coffee. Of long, long delirious walks around the neighborhood to get you to nap. Those witching hours where you did nothing but scream and scream and scream.

But there were the peaceful moments, when those big dark eyes would gaze so seriously at me, taking me in. And those tiny little corners of your mouth coming up into an early smile.

But I counted those days when I would be back at work. Where I would feel “normal” again. I laughed when people asked me if it would be hard to leave you. I felt a little guilty that I did not cry at the thought of putting you in daycare and going back to work. I loved you so much, but this new role did not fit me yet. I felt like I was playing make believe. Like my life would not be real until I went back to what I was good at. My career that I painstakingly built and took pride in. I didn’t know this world of spit up and diapers. It gave me hope knowing that I could be me again. Soon.

And then June 4th came. You were exactly 2 months old. Our slow, sleepy morning schedule was now replaced with the hustle and bustle of getting not only myself ready, but this tiny little boy who would now be part of my morning routine for a very, very long time. I checked on you before my shower. After my shower. I put you in the room with me and you watched me get dressed. I gathered your bottles. Your blankets. Your soft little lion blanket because you liked to cuddle with it. Your socks matched your outfit. You were this perfect little doll. I gathered you up and got you into your infant seat. I was so excited and a little nervous- not about leaving you, but about coming back after 2 months and being me again. I couldn’t wait.

I dropped you off with your new teacher. We unpacked all your things. I watched as 2 big kids came over to look at you. They looked so enormous to me, and they were 14 months old – the same age you are now!!! The teacher took out a pad of paper and a pen and asked me to write down your schedule.

Your WHAT?

I admitted that you had no schedule. You rarely slept and you got a bottle when you cried.

I kissed you goodbye.

I walked into my office, and waited for that exciting rush to consume me.

And it didn’t.

I felt like something was wrong. I felt like I was missing something.

I straightened out my desk. Caught up on my emails. Met with my colleagues. And the whole time I felt brainless. Numb. Empty. I had a lump in my throat and my whole body felt sore. I felt like I was torn open. Like I was missing a limb, a piece of my soul. And the work was overwhelming. I felt buried in an avalanche.

I thought I could just jump right back in, but I couldn’t.

I found out about things that happened when I was gone. In the past it would have rolled off my back, but that day it hurt so much. I must have locked myself in the bathroom and cried 3 times on my first day. I felt like such a failure at my job. I could not be that person I used to be. I forgot who she was. I realized that I somehow changed…

And all day I watched the clock. Counting down the hours. When it was time to leave, I felt such a rush of joy. Driving to the daycare, my heart was racing.

I walked into your classroom, and there you were. Your tiny little face turned to me, and your serious little dark eyes got wide. You kicked your feet and smiled. You let out such a joyful squeal.

And I knew, at that very moment, on June 4th, that I was a mommy.

You turned me into someone new. And even though it was scary, it was hard, and I doubted myself, I knew there was no going back to anything else. This is who I am now. And I could never have been this person if you were not in my life. And this is what I discovered on June 4th.

The second most important day of my life.

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DH took this picture of us before we left that day! Chat Icon

Posted 6/3/08 8:51 PM