WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Here is the situation...

DH's father (not here anymore) left his house to DH's brother (Lou). In the will I think it states that when Lou sells the house that we will get half. Well, needless to say, Lou will most likely never be selling the house. Why would he?? When DH's father decided this I was PO'd because that is not fair to us who pay a 2500 mortgage a month. I tried to tell my DH to speak up to his father and tell him that its not right that Lou gets to live mortgage free and only has to pay taxes while we struggle. Well, My DH is pushover and never speaks up for himself so the will stayed that way it was originally written. It drives me absolutely crazy.

Anyway, now that FIL passed away 2 years ago, Lou has been living high on life with only paying taxes. This has been gettign on DH's nerves so he made some comments here and there about Lou having to buy us out and giving us half of what the house is worth. Of course, he said no he cant afford it.

Can't afford it????? Lou is a podiatrist who works in a hospital in the city and has his own practice here on long island a couple days a week. His income is the same as me and DH's if not more. Plus, Lou is unattached, no GF, no wife, no kids and will probably never have a family. Me and DH have a 2 year old and another on the way due in April.

I get angry at my DH because he doesnt know how to have a serious one on one with Lou telling him that since he will never be selling the house that its not fair that he was given this house on a silver platter. I know its not his fault and his dad is to blame but there's nothing we can do about that now. I am also startign to hate my BIL for this. If the roles were reversed I would understand how he doesnt want to pay a mortgage but if I loved my brother I would work something out.

I know its not for me to say anything but I do not have a filter on my mouth and when I get angry...look out. Im a total opposite of my DH and I will say anything and everything. I dont want to get involved at all, but if my DH doesnt really talk to him SERIOUSLY soon, im gonna freak.

HOw do you guys feel about this? Would be be pi$$ed off? Should we contact a lawyer? We dont want this to end bad at all, but I kinda want Lou to know that we are serious about this. $150,000 could change our lives. Part of our mortgage would be paid off. Some money could be put away for colleges or an emergency.

Sorry so long.

ETA: FIL also had a lot of money stashed. We did get half of that but we fixed up our house with it. What bugs me even more is that Lou got half of the money also. Which makes me even more mad because he says he cant afford a mortage of 150,000. Um, you just got a lot of money. He has also got to be the cheapest person i have ever met and will have that money till he dies. And we cant even afford to put DD in daycare, forget about when preschool comes. We will be really struggling.

Message edited 1/30/2009 7:36:10 AM.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

i am sorry, but i do not agree with you here.

i know it sucks, but your FIL left your BIL the house. maybe he meant for him to sell it and give you half... maybe he didn't. now that he is gone, no one will ever know.

but the fact of the matter is, none of us are entitled to anything. i know times are tough but you and your DH made the decision to have children and purchase a house with a $2500 mortgage. it's not BIL's responsibility to help support you or alleviate the debt you have chosen to accrue. if he was just well-off, without the house, would you expect him to help pay your mortgage then, just because he doesn't have a wife and kids?

i am very sorry if that sounds harsh but that is how i see it.

ETA: it's not like he left you nothing, and left everything to your BIL. then i would be much more upset.

Message edited 1/30/2009 9:09:52 AM.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

sure, it would p*ss me off... but it's not really your place. It's DH's family.. If he's struggling with the issue, then yes he should say something...

But in the end, it was HIS father's decision, and HIS brother he has to deal with.

When my DH's grandmother died, she left her money to her 3 kids... DH's mother died in 2003 so 1/3 of his grandmother's money was supposed to go to DH & his sister. Apparently DH's aunt convinced the grandmother to change the will to divide THAT 1/3 btwn the 10 cousins.

It makes no sense to me. His cousin's whose parents received money got money that was supposed to be for DH's mother.

Alas, I stayed out of it because it was up to DH & his sister to argue the issue, not me. In the end, DH didn't want to cause a family fight, so they just accepted it.

I feel for what you are going through... It must be tremendously frustrating and it would eat away at me. But unfortunately, unless your DH pushes the issue with his brother, I don't know what else you can do. Sadly, you're stuck with a selfish, cheap BIL

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

When I find myself getting annoyed with people who sound similar to your family member, I think about what they DON'T have and will NEVER have in life and it makes me grounded and less frustrated again.


I know that is probably not what you want to hear either, but you said it yourself........he's cheap, he's probably never going to be married, never have kids.......sounds like a pretty lonely and sad life.

I also agree that if you want to fight it, your husband needs to be the one to pursue it.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Posted by headoverheels

i am sorry, but i do not agree with you here.

i know it sucks, but your FIL left your BIL the house. maybe he meant for him to sell it and give you half... maybe he didn't. now that he is gone, no one will ever know.

but the fact of the matter is, none of us are entitled to anything. i know times are tough but you and your DH made the decision to have children and purchase a house with a $2500 mortgage. it's not BIL's responsibility to help support you or alleviate the debt you have chosen to accrue. if he was just well-off, without the house, would you expect him to help pay your mortgage then, just because he doesn't have a wife and kids?

i am very sorry if that sounds harsh but that is how i see it.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Woah, it's fairly obvious that your FIL made a poor decision but, it was his decision to make. If it were me and my siblings, I like to think I would do the right thing and buy them out, but I dont think that you can legally force Lou to do anything.


I am really sorry though because it sounds like Lou is taking advantage of the situation and I can imagine this causing family strife. I hope it works out.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

i kinda of agree with the others. yes, DHs father shouldn't have done it the way did... but i dont think theres much you can do about it. its the way his will was written.
sure, it stinks, and BIL should do the right thing... but i don't think you can force him to do that.
we had a situation in my family where, after my grandpop died, my moms step mom sold their condo and used the money to help her daughter (my moms step sister) buy a brand new house. that money should have been used JUST by my stepgrandmom, or split up between the kids. BUT instead it went all to that one daughter. unfair, yes, but we couldn't really do much about it...

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I have a similar situation in my DH's family, but we are on the other side.

My MIL has decided to leave DH and I the house. DH's brothers are not happy about it, but that was her decision. Our circumstance is slightly different because we care for DH's disabled sister. My MIL has decided because we have sacrificed so much and that she doesn't want her daughter to have live anywhere else, that we will eventually get the house.

Any money she has will be split among DH's brothers--we don't get a penny.

So, although we will eventually get the house, we pay for everything--electricity, water, sewer, phone, tv, etc. Plus we have been remodeling the home since we moved in (the house is over 90 years old). Even though we will get a mortgage-free home, it is still costing us a LOT of money per month, between upkeep, SIL, fixing up the house, and everything else.

Legally, I don't know how you stand. But if your FIL made stipulation in the will that you would only get the proceeds once the house is sold, I don't think your BIL is under any obligation to give you money now. I'm not a lawyer, and I may be totally wrong about this.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Posted by headoverheels

i am sorry, but i do not agree with you here.

i know it sucks, but your FIL left your BIL the house. maybe he meant for him to sell it and give you half... maybe he didn't. now that he is gone, no one will ever know.

but the fact of the matter is, none of us are entitled to anything. i know times are tough but you and your DH made the decision to have children and purchase a house with a $2500 mortgage. it's not BIL's responsibility to help support you or alleviate the debt you have chosen to accrue. if he was just well-off, without the house, would you expect him to help pay your mortgage then, just because he doesn't have a wife and kids?

i am very sorry if that sounds harsh but that is how i see it.

ETA: it's not like he left you nothing, and left everything to your BIL. then i would be much more upset.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I have to say I agree with many of the previous posters.

One of the phrases you mentioned several times in your post was "it's not fair". Unfortunately we live in a world where many things are not fair.... I grew up with my dad constantly telling me that. But just because we feel it's not fair, does not mean that anything is going to change.

My personal opinion (and you can choose to disagree) is that I do not EXPECT my parents to leave anything to me. If they do, that's wonderful, but if they don't I am OK with that because being their child does not entitle me to anything. Would I be upset if they left something to my brother and not to me... yes. But I can't really say anything about it because it is completely their choice.

And with all due respect, the fact that this is not your father, but your FIL to me says that it's really not your place to get involved. Plus, you did get some money from him, so it's not like there was nothing left to DH.

Here's an interesting question for you to consider. Would you feel differently if you and DH were not struggling as much? If money were not an issue for you would you still be as upset? If BIL had a wife and children with a lower paying job, would you still feel this way.

I am very sorry about the situation and I do agree that it is not fair. I just feel that there is nothing you can do about it. I just hope that you can find some way to not resent BIL over this as he really has not done anything.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Unfortunatelly, unless the will stipulates that your BIL MUST sell the house, then your FIL did not think this will through if he meant for both his sons to share the $$ of the sale of the house. He is the one responsible for giving the house to your BIL and not thinking that "maybe" BIL would not sell the house and not give your DH half the $$.

Yes, you would think your BIL would have some "morale" but honestly, he does not have to do a thing. He got a free house from his dad and it's in the will.

Your FIL's "mistake" has nothing to do with how much you owe, how much your BIL does not owe or your BIL's lifestyle.

Yes... I would not be happy either!

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Forget the entitled/it's not fair stuff, while I agree with most it, it's not what you're asking.

If your DH believes it was your FIL's intention to have the proceeds of the house split & it is stated in the will, *HE* should get a free consultation from an estate attorney. Depending on how the will was phrased, it's possible for your DH to force the sale of the house. However, realize as you do that it will forever be splitting up DH's family over money. Note: I said DH & HE because you have no legal standing whatsoever.

It's not helping you or your marriage to harp on this with DH. If DH is fine with his brother having the house, let it alone. I've seen my best friend's marriage breakup as my friend's DH constantly harped on her over some inheritance that she was *supposed* to get but never received from her grandparents. It wears down a marriage.

Since you asked WWYD, my answer is I'd focus on my family and my own finances. If DH wants to pursue it, fine, I'd support whatever he wanted. If not, I would drop it. IMO no amount of money is worth losing my SIL.

If it was my own family, I might act differently. My older sister can have the house. My twin sister, I might sue just to pizz her off.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Posted by nrthshgrl

Forget the entitled/it's not fair stuff, while I agree with most it, it's not what you're asking.

If your DH believes it was your FIL's intention to have the proceeds of the house split & it is stated in the will, *HE* should get a free consultation from an estate attorney. Depending on how the will was phrased, it's possible for your DH to force the sale of the house. However, realize as you do that it will forever be splitting up DH's family over money. Note: I said DH & HE because you have no legal standing whatsoever.

It's not helping you or your marriage to harp on this with DH. If DH is fine with his brother having the house, let it alone. I've seen my best friend's marriage breakup as my friend's DH constantly harped on her over some inheritance that she was *supposed* to get but never received from her grandparents. It wears down a marriage.

Since you asked WWYD, my answer is I'd focus on my family and my own finances. If DH wants to pursue it, fine, I'd support whatever he wanted. If not, I would drop it. IMO no amount of money is worth losing my SIL.

If it was my own family, I might act differently. My older sister can have the house. My twin sister, I might sue just to pizz her off.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I agree with everyone's comments - if the will explicitly states that the house is bequeathed to your BIL and it is in his sole discretion when and if to sell it then there is really nothing much you can do to challenge it. You cannot really force a sale because the property is his. In the absence of evidence of undue influence or insufficient mental capacity there is a strong presumption in favor of the written will. Intent usually will not come into play unless the will is unclear. For whatever reason this is how your FIL wanted it and his wishes should be honored.

My family was in a similar situation in reverse. When my grandfather died he divided his estate equally amongst my father and his siblings except he left his house to my father. My parents were always the ones to take my grandparents to all appointments, stopped by their house everyday etc. Needless to say, my dad's siblings felt that my father should divvy (sp?) up the proceeds amongst all of them - because that is how my GF would have wanted. We disagreed, my GF was savvy and had an attorney - if he had wanted it that way it would have been written that way. It caused a lot of strife in my family. My dad passed away last year and at the funeral his siblings were asking for forgiveness from him for the way they treated him. Its sad how money tears people apart best of luck in working through this situation.

Message edited 1/30/2009 12:05:13 PM.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Money can definitely divide families. My grandfather passed away several years ago and everything, including the sale of his home was divided up equally 3 ways amongst the 3 children. I think that he had some mental health issues to begin with, however, my mother's brother has basically stopped talking to my mom and aunt since my grandfather passed due to some sick paranoia that "they got more".

Even his children--my cousins---have stopped talking to everyone over this.

It's pretty disgusting IMO but what can you do.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I am not a lawyer and obv am not able to give any legal advice and not to mention have no clue about legal matters at all. I will say that if I was in your shoes I would be too. The one thing you should feel good about is that you don't need anything from anyone because you and your dh do it on your own!

Message edited 1/30/2009 12:27:40 PM.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

While I agree that YOU cant contest the will DH certainly can...
There are lots of ways to do this...
DH should contact an attorney. WHose to say FIl was in the right state of mind when creating this will.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

My father did this. At the time of his death, there was a provision in his will that if I chose to live in the family house after his death, I was able to do so, but I would be responsible for the taxes and whatever upkeep and maintanance needed to be done. At the time, I was the only one of my siblings that was unmarried, I was in school and planning to move back to NY to finish school in the next couple of years.

In my situation, my dad sat me down and explained to me why he did this and that if my school plans didn't work out, or once I graduated, the house was to be sold and the proceeds split. If at that time, I wanted to buy out everyone else, that was my choice. My dad knew me well and knew that I never would have taken advantage of the situation, but was worried that I wouldn't have a place to live once he was gone and couldn't help me out. There was no time limit on this, and it was up to me alone to decide, legally, when the house would be sold.

In my case, I didn't move back in and we sold the house, but I know that my dad's decision was not one that at least one of my siblings was wild about. My dad had his own reasons for doing it and it was his choice - too bad if no one else liked it. And IMO, this is a matter between your DH and his brother. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. If you want your DH to continue to have a relationship with his brother, I think you need to back off. $150,000.00 is a lot of money, but is it worth the loss of a brother?

Message edited 1/30/2009 12:58:39 PM.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

It would annoy me. No doubt about that. I would not do anything about it, and neither would my husband. The will says what it says, and that's what we would follow.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I agree with most of the other posters.

And a will is a will, you can pay an attorney to re-read it, but I am willing to bet that it would a waste of money.

You cannot MAKE Dh's brother do anything, and sorry, but you aren't entitled to anything. Just b/c FIL had two kids doesn't mean he has to split everything evenly. Sucks, but totally true.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

Posted by KateDevine

I agree with most of the other posters.

And a will is a will, you can pay an attorney to re-read it, but I am willing to bet that it would a waste of money.

You cannot MAKE Dh's brother do anything, and sorry, but you aren't entitled to anything. Just b/c FIL had two kids doesn't mean he has to split everything evenly. Sucks, but totally true.

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG

I could be mis-reading the OP but to me it sounds like she is upset that she has to pay $2500 a month for a house that she doesn't live in, while she is struggling financially. I agree with you in that it's not fair in that sense.

What happens if you guys didn't pay the mortgage? Who's name is it in? Is it stated in the will that you guys have to pay mortgage?

Re: WWYD....I need advice....lawyers welcome to read. LONG