WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I just got a call from my mom that has me sitting here just not knowing what to think, what to say, how to tell my mom to react.

My mother's father has had scirosis of the liver for some time he was in the hospital many many moons ago but got healthy again made a mends with my mom and the family (he was an absentee drunk) Now he's sick again. his liver is failing and he needs a transplant. They said they would put him on the list but now have nixxed that saying he is too old (he's 70).

Well, My moms half sister who lives blocks away from him and has been close to him her whole life TEXTED my mother and her brother telling her that the list has been nixxed and his only chance is a transplant from a family member or friend. She said "I already told dad I would do it...how about you? whats your blood type?"

first...I can't believe this is something that was TEXTED and secondly I just think it's so awful to put my mom and her brother in this position and putting them on the spot like that. Of course nobody wants their father to die...but at the same time he made decisions in life that lead him to this point. Many of those decisions affected my mothers upbringing and childhood...and now after mending all that she is to put life in danger for the result of her fathers decisions again? My mom is only 50, I really don't want her to do it. I'm scared and so is she. We know absolutely nothing about liver transplants and what we have read online is scary!

We both feel like this will cause a major rift in the family if my mother doesn't offer her liver.

What would you do if you were in my moms situation? if you chose not to donate how do you go about saying so without seeming selfish?

ETA: my mom hasn't said no...but she doesn't know what it entails, is scared and feels its something that needs to be discussed with a dr, family, SO etc. before making a decision.

Message edited 12/3/2012 4:59:28 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

First of all if your mom and her half sister aren't close at all I don't think the text is so bad - I personally much prefer texting bad stuff over talking about it because I am able to get my thoughts out much more easily.

I do think your mom has been put on the spot, but it's not your call. It's hers. You really shouldn't have any say at all. It's her father, whether he was there for her in the past or not.

If she is looking for advice, I'd say for your mom to tell the half sister that she needs to talk to her doctor first because she has health concerns, and leave it at that.

ETA: She doesn't owe anyone any explanation at all. It's between her and her dad, or her and her doctor, depending on how you look at it. Half-sister needs to MYOB.

Message edited 12/3/2012 5:10:18 PM.

WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

If she doesn't want to do it, she shouldn't do it.
If she wants to sugar coat it, she can say she went to discuss it with her doctor and she's ineligible.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I would go for it. The blood type has to be a match and yes I would donate what I could safely. Just because you’re a matching doesn’t mean you CAN donate. If it were a stranger or a family member (even my wicked, wish she’d disappear step mother) with only one exception (my real mother) I’d try.

Getting a blood test doesn’t hurt and I’d feel liked I would always wonder if I was a match and could have saved him. You said they made amends. If she doesn’t match then no biggie. Plus I would think even if she was a match the doctors don’t HAVE to tell anyone that either.

Texting the matter at hand well that’s the new thing isn’t it? No one actually ‘calls’ people anymore. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. My father’s condition was bleak and my brother texted my sister and they were both cool with it. Me? I wanted a CALL!

Now if my real mother was dying of liver failure (highly possible) and I was called to test and donate I would politely decline if I could at all possible. No I will not test or donate. There’s too much history and I can’t risk my child’s life and future as her mother for the life of my own mother. But we have never made amends, nor will we ever. The call would never come through. She’d call my brother perhaps but he would decline as a basis of her relationship with me. I think we would both decline for my mother’s whole family. Sorry but we reserve our right to live our lives as we see fit and we do not feel comfortable supporting this risk. At 70, I’d say he has lived a long life for his habits. (Cruel I know). Our family would say that quality of life would be questionable for such a risk.

Ironically if my over 70yr old Aunt needed it, I’d be first in line to test! Mind you, she’d never let me try.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

This situation happened a few years ago on greys anatomy episode called Tainted Obligation. In the end she did end up giving it to her father.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

She should tell her half-sister "Thanks for the update, I'll discuss my feelings with dad and suggest you do the same." This is something between father and child. Not you, not sister, not brother (though I don't blame you for not wanting her to do it). It sounds like she doesn't want to and need not explain herself to anyone but her dad. If anything I would maybe do the above and say her Dr said she's not a good candidate for the surgery if she doesn't want to tell him the truth and create conflict between them.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I don't know if i'd say they are CLOSE per se bc my mom lives in virginia...but my mother is godmother to one of her kids and my mom visits when she's here and they talk on the phone. There was a time in their past where they weren't close but they've gotten past that. Mom called me looking to vent and asking for advice.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Some people like to text and don't think it is rude to ask a question like that over a text. I am not one of them though and would have been put off by it as well. As for whether or not do donate, I would thank your aunt for offering her liver, but that your mom/you don't feel you are a good candidate for your own health reasons.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

She should respond that she'll speak to her doctor about it & leave it at that. If she decides to do it & she's eligible then it's her decision. She's the only one that can make it.

It's not as easy as you'd think to be eligible for this kind of thing. I went through a serious of questions with a donor agency for someone's mom (kidney, I think ) & they never called back.

Message edited 12/3/2012 11:14:41 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Message edited 12/3/2012 5:31:07 PM.

WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I've read that donating a piece of a liver can end up with the donor dying. I'd call my doctor to ask questions before making a decision.

I also think texting was a terrible way of contacting her over such an important issue. If someone texted me to basically tell me I should donate a body part to someone, no matter how close, I'd be horrified.
Asking someone to become a living donor is extremely personal and sensitive. If she couldn't have done it in person due to distance, a phone call would have been the right thing to do.

I had to text the bad news of my mother's sudden illness and impending death to close relatives who I know do not answer their phones but do respond to texts - they called me back immediately - or who were in another country, as I knew it was the only way to reach them. Everyone else I called.

Message edited 12/3/2012 7:30:45 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I am probably cold hearted for saying this but

your mother should keep her liver ... parents are suppose to go before their children.... i am not a negative person but your mother needs to think about her children ... what is one day they need something from her and she can't because she was a liver donor ... it will kill her inside that she couldn't help her own children because she helped her father already

Just my thought

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

What a tough situation for your mom to be in.

She doesn't even know if she would be a match so what if she looked into it first, then made her decision. This way - if she isn't a match, the decision is already made for her? Can she tell her sister that? "Hey - this is very overwhelming. Let me look into it, even see if I would be a match and take it from there"

Message edited 12/3/2012 8:01:33 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

edited

Message edited 12/27/2012 9:38:46 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Honestly, I think if he would be willing to risk the life of any of his children for his own well being, he doesn't even deserve the transplant. My parents would NEVER let me put my health on the line like that. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that was my first thought.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Message edited 12/3/2012 9:42:11 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

i think texting is common, and alot used when people dont have guts to say it.

simple reply, I'll have to talk with my dr about it to decide. imo, if i did have a relationship with my parent I probably still wouldn't give them it if there was a risk to me, my obligation I feel would be to my spouse or kids.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

I wouldn't do it and she shouldnt feel bad...also being that your mom has kids she can always use that excuse that she would rather save it in case her kids would need it one day (God forbid) .. Hope everything works out!

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Message edited 12/4/2012 2:16:03 PM.

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

Re: WWYD...serious family issue...brink of family drama

First, I'd let your mom vent off her fears and thoughts. Human instinct is to help your love one survive. I know this situation very well. My mom was going to donate her kidney to save my father (they are married). But, my mom went for all the testing and she wasn't a match. My sister and me could have tested but the doctor said it was UNETHICAL for us to be tested because of the diabetic gene in our blood. Diabetes causes kidney failure and since my whole father's side has it, the dr didn't want to take a chance of having us be a match and living off of one kidney. He found that to be unethical.

Instead, my mom decided she would donate to someone else, and then someone else would donate to my dad. It's called a kidney swap. Needless to say, my father is severely ill and unable to even go through the surgery and will remain on dialysis.

However, I had the same fears as you. My parents are in their late 50's. My mom is healthy, and I was beyond worried. I NEVER expressed my fears, I wanted to hear hers. However, when a transplant is to take place - the donor and receiver go through psychological exams and counsel. If the social worker or psychologist feels that the donor is not ready to do the transplant, it won't happen.

Nothing is forced so that is a positive. However, your Aunt, and brother need to speak to one another together about this. If your mom doesn't give the kidney, and god forbid he dies then this could cause a family drama. But, she should never feel force to make such a big decision.

If she wanted to appease her family, then she can be tested. That doesn't mean she is healthy enough or a match. The first concern is the health. An indepth evaluation will be done and even if her blood pressure was a few drops over, she would need to address it. It's a process and doesnt happen overnight.

But, if she wants and maybe its best that the siblings speak with a transplant coordinator and a social worker to see what the process is and to speak to someone. This can be a good way for your mom and her siblings to hear one another .