XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Just curious of your thoughts on this article

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I read this article and found it very interesting. I just couldn't believe how study after study showed that parents were less happier... The thing that really stuck with me though was at the end of the article where it said something along the line of that people that never had kids were overall more depressed than those who had them (felt like they had less of an overall purpose in life etc). I think the article mentioned its a trade off, maybe the drudgery and ups and downs of parenting make us less happy in the day to day, but the overall rewards parenting provides is what makes study after study saying that parents are less happy so confusing.

Yes day to day im tired and would like more time to myself (dd is 11 months) but there is not one bone of my body that would even begin to say that DD isn't the true happiness of my life.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

not to harp on a topic, but this part stood out to me

Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve. When Kahneman and his colleagues did another version of his survey of working women, this time comparing those in Columbus, Ohio, to those in Rennes, France, the French sample enjoyed child care a good deal more than its American counterpart. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, “instead of political change that would make family life better.”


it's sad to say, but I really think our culture has more to do with our unhappiness than our children do. it just manifests that way.

also, the whole discipline issue with the mom...I have such a HARD time relating to a circumstance like that. I know on some level that there are kids that yell and talk back to their parents...but it is an alien thing to me. I don't know how I would respond if my son attempts that behavior with me.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by Ophelia

not to harp on a topic, but this part stood out to me

Of course, this should not be a surprise. If you are no longer fretting about spending too little time with your children after they’re born (because you have a year of paid maternity leave), if you’re no longer anxious about finding affordable child care once you go back to work (because the state subsidizes it), if you’re no longer wondering how to pay for your children’s education and health care (because they’re free)—well, it stands to reason that your own mental health would improve. When Kahneman and his colleagues did another version of his survey of working women, this time comparing those in Columbus, Ohio, to those in Rennes, France, the French sample enjoyed child care a good deal more than its American counterpart. “We’ve put all this energy into being perfect parents,” says Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, “instead of political change that would make family life better.”


it's sad to say, but I really think our culture has more to do with our unhappiness than our children do. it just manifests that way.

also, the whole discipline issue with the mom...I have such a HARD time relating to a circumstance like that. I know on some level that there are kids that yell and talk back to their parents...but it is an alien thing to me. I don't know how I would respond if my son attempts that behavior with me.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Still reading it, but I thought this was funny:

Message edited 7/19/2010 1:42:37 PM.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I read it and was a bit surprised, especially by the things it says mothers get more joy from. Cleaning? Exercising? That's better than time with your children? That was shocking to me.
DH and I both agreed parenting is no walk in the park, but we didn't expect that. We would never trade it for the world and the amount of joy DS has brought to us far outweighs the difficult times.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Actually, I related so much to evenings home with my son since I went back to work about 2 weeks ago. The first 10 minutes or so--pure bliss. Then there is a tantrum, every night at least one lately. In our case it has everything to do with my going back to work and him dealing with anger over that, his adjusting to daycare, not napping much at daycare, and not eating much at daycare. So I have an angry, tired, hungry kid to deal with every night. It's pretty horrible some evenings I have to say.

But the weekends are wonderful--he's a completely different boy. My only hope is that he will adjust to the separation in time. I thought this was unique to our situation, but a friend who has a daughter the same age who has been in daycare since 4 months has problems/tantrums over it all too.

I think there is a lot wrong with our culture, but I also don't think expanding maternity leave, providing better childcare options is completely the issue. It's hard raising toddlers period, whether you are working or staying home with them.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I read this and thought it was very thought provoking. I actually thought it was spot on. I think people lie and sugarcoat their struggles for fear of judgement very often.

The big difference, and the article pointed this out, is the definition of "parenting" not having anything to do with loving your children.

Parenting sucks most of the time. Driving to playdates, soccer /baseball practice, giving bathes, doing homework, temper tantrums, sleep deprivation, less "me" time, distance with spouse, teaching manners, etc etc etc etc....Is hard work and really for the most part not enjoyable.

The good times, the experiences, the moments , the love...that is unmeasurable and makes you not wanna change a thing... but if parents were honest they woudl agree as the article shows in many many studies cited that the actual act of parenting makes many people unhappy.

I do not enjoy wiping my child's a$$ or discipling them, but I absolutly love the experiences I get to have as their mom, and being a mom brings me overall happiness I could nto ever have known before.

What the studies/article lacks is that while you may hate parenting, its also because there are even for us, lessons to be gained from it all. Patience, empathy,selflessness...they are not always fun to learn but they make you a better person for them.

The references to WHY are also really showing. We these days LIVE for our children. We make sure they are occupied 24/7. We create episodes that make us unhappy. Our children these days are so overstimulated and over scheduled. ( taking a 3 month old to a Gymboree class is a perfect) example...and I ACTUALLY did that) .....

Its hard to sum up a lot in response, since it really commented on a lot of different things...and this topic could go off in 40 directions...but I thought it was powerful and maybe opened up the discussion on how we can make parenting more enjoyable and also remove some of the taboo regarding talking badly about it, because as the studies show..it's not a random thing.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

While I can imagine hating certain aspects of parenting (like sleep training) I cannot imagine hating parenting. I mean, even when I am disciplining, DS, I'm constantly thinking to myself: Did I do that right? Is it effective? Will it make him better behaved? I'm not thinking that I hate the act of disciplining him. Just because something isn't "fun" doesn't mean I have to hate it. I enjoy it as part of the whole parenting package.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by Ophelia

also, the whole discipline issue with the mom...I have such a HARD time relating to a circumstance like that. I know on some level that there are kids that yell and talk back to their parents...but it is an alien thing to me. I don't know how I would respond if my son attempts that behavior with me.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by cjik

Posted by Ophelia

also, the whole discipline issue with the mom...I have such a HARD time relating to a circumstance like that. I know on some level that there are kids that yell and talk back to their parents...but it is an alien thing to me. I don't know how I would respond if my son attempts that behavior with me.

Hate to say it, but you will experience this too--very normal part of development. Almost all kids yell and throw tantrums at some point, and any pediatrician will tell you this is a healthy phase, though not a fun one.

Enjoy the peace while it lasts!

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by headoverheels


Hate to say it, but you will experience this too--very normal part of development. Almost all kids yell and throw tantrums at some point, and any pediatrician will tell you this is a healthy phase, though not a fun one.

Enjoy the peace while it lasts!

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I think that parenting and being a parent are two separate things. While they of course go hand-in-hand, they can't be looked at the same way.
Does anyone really enjoy cleaning messes, dealing with tantrums, or figuring out the best way to discipline? I think the people who would say they do would be few and far between.
But if you ask those same people if they enjoy being a parent, you would get an overwhelming "yes!"
I love, love, being a mom. I love it more than anything else I have ever done in my life. But I will admit there are aspects of parenting I do not enjoy.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I dont think its so off base.

It was saying, at least as I read it, that its the day to day of parenting that wears parents down and makes them unhappy, not the children themselves. That I can totally see.

Im not going to lie, I LOVE my son more than anything in this world, but sometimes that day to day act of parenting is EXHAUSTING and there are times where I am tears at the end of the day. It doesnt mean I hate being a parent, just that sometimes its possible to hate doing it.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

this is the thing though....you always have to do chores, with or without a kid.

I still wipe an *** (my own...Luce's is cuter, believe me ) cook for people, clean up after people, am beholden to others, whether I had a child or not most chores would not change.

I have less time right now. yes. and when Luce is crawling up my leg when I am trying to make dinner it is a little more difficult. he needs me in a way I have never been needed before. but a key difference here is that I have given myself over to him. over to my husband. "me" time doesn't exist. but that was my choice. and I can rue it or revel in it. that is also my choice.

I just can't relate to the article. sometimes I think people enjoy the ability to whine. and create misery just to do so.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

I think the article overgeneralizes and makes some grand, sweeping statements on the basis of individual experiences.

Parenting is just that - a very, VERY individual experience, not just based on your own individual temperment and personality, but also based upon your children's temperment and personality.

I've always been a huge proponent for honesty about being a parent and just how difficult it can be - particularly that first year. And there is simply NO denying that the first year of Alex's life was the darkest of mine - mostly because I had no clue what I was getting into, was the first of my friend's to have a child, and my child happened to be one of the most difficult babies on the planet.

But, by the same token, my experience with Yael's first year is the polar opposite - it has truly been one of the most pleasurable and happiest years of my life. I could just eat and breathe her - but, I'm sure that my difference in perspective and experience this time around has a lot to do with (1) her temperment, being the easiest baby on earth, sleeping 12 hours a night since she was 5 weeks old, and (2) my own level of experience and confidence since she is my second child.

And while Alex was an insanely difficult baby and toddler, as a preschooler, her spunk and attitude have become more refined and manageable, and certainly more entertaining.

For me, parenting is like a fine wine - it becomes much more enjoyable as the years pass.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

being a parent is hard.

but being someone's mom is the greatest thing in the world.

I agree with Jess though. We overschedule our lives just so we can whine about how much we have to do.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by headoverheels


If I'm correct I think J was referring to the son who was watching the video while his mom was telling him to do his homework, not the story on the first page...

I was thinking about that too, and I wonder if that has a lot to do with why some parents hate parenting - because the methods they choose are so arbitrary and inconsistent that they don't work (or don't always work) and so some aspects of parenting are harder than they need to be. Obviously, kids have different temperaments and you need to adapt to that but there are behaviorists on here who I am sure will tell you that ANY child can be well behaved with a lot of work and effort. And I truly believe that the goal of any parent should be to make sure their child is well behaved all (or most) of the time - it's part of the job, what we signed up to do, and acting like you hate what you do while you "parent" isn't going to help anyone, least of all your kids.

yes. and I love this.

I was referring to the whole deal with the kid and his mom. there is a level of disrespect their by the kid that is not tolerated in my family. none of us are like that. and my nieces aren't either. so it would be such a shell shock to be in that situation with my son.

it is something I truly don't know how I would handle, and it probably the one thing I am looking forward to least in parenting.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by Ophelia

this is the thing though....you always have to do chores, with or without a kid.

I still wipe an *** (my own...Luce's is cuter, believe me ) cook for people, clean up after people, am beholden to others, whether I had a child or not most chores would not change.

I have less time right now. yes. and when Luce is crawling up my leg when I am trying to make dinner it is a little more difficult. he needs me in a way I have never been needed before. but a key difference here is that I have given myself over to him. over to my husband. "me" time doesn't exist. but that was my choice. and I can rue it or revel in it. that is also my choice.

I just can't relate to the article. sometimes I think people enjoy the ability to whine. and create misery just to do so.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting

Posted by dm24angel

Posted by Ophelia

this is the thing though....you always have to do chores, with or without a kid.

I still wipe an *** (my own...Luce's is cuter, believe me ) cook for people, clean up after people, am beholden to others, whether I had a child or not most chores would not change.

I have less time right now. yes. and when Luce is crawling up my leg when I am trying to make dinner it is a little more difficult. he needs me in a way I have never been needed before. but a key difference here is that I have given myself over to him. over to my husband. "me" time doesn't exist. but that was my choice. and I can rue it or revel in it. that is also my choice.

I just can't relate to the article. sometimes I think people enjoy the ability to whine. and create misery just to do so.

I don't think that was the scope of the article, although perception is individual, and some was take what you will from it,so we have read it differently.

Sometimes I think people just like to pretend everything is champagne and roses just to make others feel less than.

Re: XP: Why Parents Hate Parenting