question about step child and biological child

I don't know how to really phrase this question. If you don't understand it, please tell me and I will try to explain it better.

Did anyone marry your spouse who already had a kid, but you did not? Ok, if that is you here is my question: Did you get worried/concerned when you saw that DH's parenting of DC was different from your parenting style? did you worry about parenting the child you would have with him in the future?

I am definitely stricter than DH. Parenting DSS is something I have taken a big step back from, which is a good thing. But now I wonder if we will be able to coparent the next kid despite our different perspectives on child rearing. Is it easier when it is your "shared" biological child?

I hope this makes sense to someone. I think I am creating fears and I want to try to stop that.

Re: question about step child and biological child

I think I understand your question

When I met DH, my SD was an infant and it was 7 years before we had our own biological child....

Much like you, I am more of the strict one, my DH is a softy...

I always wondered if he was just easier on her because we didn't see her all the time etc...but he ended up being just as much of a softy with our own
( Maybe a little more strict, but hardly)..
I think you almost need that "balance", kwim ?....He would never undermine me, and if he disagrees with me it would never be shown in front of our DC's (and vice versa) and I think THAT is what is most important...

I also just wanted to add, that the type of parent I "thought" I would end up being was quite a bit different than the parent I became once I really did have children...It has softened me quite a bit and I am much more flexible than I ever thought I was capable of being...

It will work out as long as you have mutual respect

Re: question about step child and biological child

Thank so much for replying. We are working through a rough time and I think I am fearing everything! Totally my problem, not DH's.

Re: question about step child and biological child

That's me!

Kevin has a DD, I don't have any bio children yet.

When we do have a DC together, sure I worry about how we will be as a parenting team. Kevin is a VERY involved dad with his DD, but it's going to be a lot different when we've got a DC living in our house 24/7/365. And I mean that for the both of us!

I think it's natural to have these worries no matter if there's a DC from a previous relationship or not; I'm sure many of the moms on the Parenting board had the same thoughts about their DHs.

And I'm sure most guys think the same things about us; how is my DW going to be as a mom?

It's OK if you're not always on the same page about everything, respecting each other's opinions and treating the other fairly is the best approach to co-parenting. Like Bops said, sometimes you need the balance. That's why it takes 2!

Re: question about step child and biological child

When I first met DH, SS was 4 years old. I used to worry about this alot when we first got serious because DH was always so lenient with SS (and sometimes still is). Im the mean one most of the time but DH has definitely gotten better at the disciplining. I am pregnant right now with our first and although I worry sometimes that Im always going to be the mean mom and DH is going to be the fun dad I think when our little girl gets here we will find a balance.

Re: question about step child and biological child

Thanks for making me feel human!!!!!

We had a chat last night, got in a little arguement and it was over my fears about parenting a child we haven't even conceived!

We aren't so far off on the parenting stuff. I think I need to take a chill pill on this one.

Re: question about step child and biological child

yesssss - and we're now in that situation

DH has a son (my stepson) who is 12


We now have a DD together who is 11.5 months


Sometimes I get aggrevated with how DH treats my stepson but it stems from him being a teenage AND NOT LISTENING!!! My stepson also is started to develop some neurocies (sp) and issues because of his BM who is a total nut job. It's a to deal with him sometimes. He's a great kid, but VERY immature and not all responsible.

Anyway -- to ease your mind a little. DH treats DD differently. He is VERY patient with her. Then again -- she's not quite a year yet And whether he likes to admit it or not, she already has him WHIPPED!


ETS: I should have been a little more clear. DH gets very impatient with my SS and yells at him if he doesnt jump when DH says jump. It ticks me off. I feel like saying GIVE HIM A CHANCE! But -- then if you do, he doesnt listen anyway

Message edited 9/3/2010 4:34:59 PM.

Re: question about step child and biological child

Posted by sweetsurprise09
ETS: I should have been a little more clear. DH gets very impatient with my SS and yells at him if he doesnt jump when DH says jump. It ticks me off. I feel like saying GIVE HIM A CHANCE! But -- then if you do, he doesnt listen anyway

Re: question about step child and biological child

I am in the same situation as well - DH has a teenage DD and we have no children together yet.

Before we were married I had a talk with him and told him exactly what you described - that I was afraid to have children with him because his very lenient/liberal parenting was concerning for me. He assured me it would be different and he was so lenient with her b/c he didn't see her all the time I still don't know if he will be more strict when we finally do have one, but I told him our child will not get away with some of the things SD has for example - several body piercings at 12, etc.

Re: question about step child and biological child

I'm in the same situation. DH is a doormat when it comes to SS. He regained full custody of him when he was 8 and from then on it was whatever "G" wants, needs, etc. I flat out told him that this is not going to fly when we have our own. He explained to me that he had always felt the need to overcompensate b/c SS BM is a POS.

I'm hoping that I will "soften" with my own but, I think that is just going to bite me in the a** I'm a bit hard on SS. It's only bc he is 19 and is totally irresponsible and needs it.

Message edited 9/8/2010 6:33:26 PM.

Re: question about step child and biological child

I ABSOLUTELY understand and have mentioned this many times to my DH b/c I am expecting our first child in 3 weeks. I am MUCH MUCH stricter than him and my SD BM and just have a natural tendency to be a more disciplined person with every aspect of life. Since the 1st time I made this comment, DH has shown a few signs of tightening the ropes with my SD b/c I think he's finally seeing he was doing no justice by giving in and just allowing anything/everything to go on the way she wanted it to. Her BM on the other hand continues to just give in b/c she doesn't like the fight which drives me CRAZY. I'm not one to back down from a hard time or a fight which is why I think I'm so strict and disciplined. The harder the path I choose the more of a challenge it is for me and I work even harder to make it work in my favor which I feel is not the way both my DH and his ex-wife operate which is why my SD used to get away with much, much more. But since I've shed some light on the injustice that its causing my SD and how it's not looking to help in any way in her future, especially since she hit the LOVELY age of 13 and has absolutely no common sense, finished her last school year poorly and has been called obnoxious and inappropriate by many people and by others she's been called a spoiled brat I think DH has seen that things will HAVE to be different with our child. I told him that there is no option, I run a much "tighter" ship and refuse to have any sort of crap like that go on in my house with my child. I refuse to be spoken to in such a manner, I refuse to allow a child to dictate my schedule and my life, etc... But I guess when my pregnancy brought the idea to actual fruition, my DH realized and opened his eyes and is now different.

Re: question about step child and biological child

I understand how you are feeling, my DSS was 8 when DH and I got together and 11 when we married. DH is strict with DSS, in some cases more strict than I thought he should be, I worried that when we had our own I would almost be "protecting" our DC from DHs rules.

My DSS is also PDD-NOS so he needs strict, consistent routine or doesn't know what to do with himself. I didn't really understand the reasoning for DHs rules ans expectations before, but after living with DSS for years I do understand now. After having DS (he is now 20 months) I realized, every age and stage is different. What a child needs at 14 is very different from what a child needs at 2.

We do balance each other as well, at times when I am being too soft DH will give me a push and if he is worrying about things that aren't that important I will pull him back. I think the balance is healthy and good for your DC