WWYD - Need advice

I'm due in two weeks with DS#2.

DS's current schedule is that he goes to integrated preschool in the morning and then daycare in the afternoon since I work f/t.

I plan on being out on maternity leave through June.

I'm torn between what I should do with DS#1 (who is PDD-NOS) once baby comes and I am on maternity leave. Here are my options:

(1) keep his schedule exactly the same as it is now

(2) take him out of daycare in the afternoon completely

(3) reduce the daycare afternoons to 2 or 3 days per week

(4) for the first month keep his schedule exactly how it is and then consider reducing afternoon daycare completely or a few days

I have terrible guilt over being a working mom with a child on the spectrum. Part of me feels like this is a perfect opportunity for me to be a better mother to him and spend quality time with him.

Realistically I'm just not sure if it will go down like that. I had terrible PPD when I had him and I'm not sure just how well I am going to handle another newborn.

His neurologist insists I keep his schedule exactly the same and that any change might not be a positive thing for him.

But I still feel terrible guilt. What do you think? WWYD?

Ugh, guilt!!!!

Re: WWYD - Need advice

I think if you don't need the $$ you would spend on daycare, leave him where he is. He is used to the routine and the structure of his schedule and if you are seeing progress and are happy with how he's doing in both places, leave him there.

You may not want to hear this, but I think he will get more out of spending time with typical kids at daycare than home with you, trying to juggle a newborn and a toddler. I get what you are saying, because I work FT too, but it's not like being home with a newborn is relaxing or that you will have tons of free time on your hands.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Unless $$$ is an issue, leave the schedule as is.

Child with special need = needs routines + mommy who will deal with a NB.

Realistically how are you going to have the energy to entertain DS in the afternoons when you have a NB and being sleep deprived?

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Thank you both

My reasoning for even considering keeping him where he is is exactly what you've both said. The money isn't the issue. I just remember how I felt when he was a newborn and don't 100% believe that I will serve him any use, especially the first 6 weeks or so.

But then I've been getting a lot of slack from family members about it. Not sure why years later we still have to play the blame game as to why DS has special needs. They blame daycare. They blame the fact that I work. This week out of nowhere one of my favorite aunts who is usually very supportive told me that she doesn't think I should swaddle DS#2 because that is why she thinks DS#1 is special needs

So I have my own guilt but my family seems to like to layer it on just in case I don't feel bad enough about it.

My mom thinks that I need to suck it up and be a mother and not pass him off to others while I have the time off.

The thing with daycare is that he gets there at noon. Eats lunch. Naps until 3. Eats snack. Then freeplay until 5:30 when we pick him up. He doesn't do extraordinarily well with freeplay but he is with the other children. If he were to come home he wouldn't nap since he never does at home.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

I agree with the other ladies, keep everything the same. If you have the energy and someone available to watch the baby, maybe you can pull your ds out of daycare and do something fun with him every now and then.

Preschoolers and newborns need totally different things. It's really hard to juggle both at the same time.

There will always be guilt, no way to avoid it :)

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Personally I would feel guilty if I took him out of daycare where he will receive all the attention he will need. You won't be able to give your time to him with a NB.

You are going to get grief from family and friends. Wether you leave him in daycare or not leave him in daycare.

You know daycare is the best option for him. He will have all attention he needs and limit regression from staying at home.

Message edited 2/15/2011 11:06:11 PM.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Posted by lbelle821

But then I've been getting a lot of slack from family members about it. Not sure why years later we still have to play the blame game as to why DS has special needs. They blame daycare. They blame the fact that I work. This week out of nowhere one of my favorite aunts who is usually very supportive told me that she doesn't think I should swaddle DS#2 because that is why she thinks DS#1 is special needs

So I have my own guilt but my family seems to like to layer it on just in case I don't feel bad enough about it.

My mom thinks that I need to suck it up and be a mother and not pass him off to others while I have the time off.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Posted by dpli

Posted by lbelle821

But then I've been getting a lot of slack from family members about it. Not sure why years later we still have to play the blame game as to why DS has special needs. They blame daycare. They blame the fact that I work. This week out of nowhere one of my favorite aunts who is usually very supportive told me that she doesn't think I should swaddle DS#2 because that is why she thinks DS#1 is special needs

So I have my own guilt but my family seems to like to layer it on just in case I don't feel bad enough about it.

My mom thinks that I need to suck it up and be a mother and not pass him off to others while I have the time off.

I am getting angry for you, reading this. I really believe unless you live with the child and deal with him on a daily basis, you have no clue how challenging things can be. And honestly, how long are you going to be home on leave? A few months? In the big picture is you being home with him and the baby, stressed to the max, for a few months really going to benefit him in the long run?

I will tell you that I keep hearing from DS's teachers and therapists that it's great that he goes to daycare after his special ed preschool, because he is getting the role modelling from typical kids and it's of great benefit to him. I tend to listen more to the advice of DS's teachers and therapists (especially those who are mothers themselves) in these types of situations. They are more objective and have lots more experience working with children with special needs. I get more affirmation from our pediatricians than I do from people I know well sometimes. I think as my DS is getting older, family and friends are starting to notice the delays and the differences, but when they are toddlers, the family doesn't always see it, I think.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Everyone goes through this from their family, you're not alone. My family tells me my son should be in day care. I should talk more. He didn't talk because I'm quiet, or I don't play on the floor with him enough. It's all BS, just ignore it.

I would still send him to day care, but probably pick him up early everyday... Maybe a half hour or 45 minutes after he wakes up from his nap. This way he stays in his routine and he gets some extra mommy time. That's what I would do anyway.

Maybe also, take him on "dates" alone, you and your DH. We do that with Lance a lot, I think it really helps.

It was a rough transition for Lance, having a sibling. It took him a good 8 months to fully adjust.

Message edited 2/16/2011 12:56:19 PM.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

do NOT feel guilty. i would keep him exactly where he is.

structure and education is what they need.

i am a SAHM and my DS is 3.5 and has been going to a special ed school since he was 2. now he is in 5x a week full time while i am home with DD. it is the best thing.

Re: WWYD - Need advice

Keep the schedule the same.
You family should educate themselves and actually read up on spectrum disorders rather than play the blame game. My in-laws are notorious for that game as well.