And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

A few months ago, I was sitting in Dr.B's for the first of many appointments that had me going home flooded in tears. He mentioned the "s" word.. surrogacy.. which I immediately interpreted as him giving up on us. I kept rehashing the conversation in my head and every time I did, it made me feel sicker and sicker. This was just not a road I was willing to accept at the time. However, the idea continued to resonate in the back of my head as the weeks went by.

We had recently come out of a failed FET cycle and I was determined to prove him wrong with my next one. With lots of roller coaster moments during the cycle, we ended up transferring.. and as many of you know.. I did get pregnant. I was so nervous from the very start and I told my DH that if anything were to happen to that pregnancy, it would be my last. To say I was terrified, would be an understatement. I decided to see Dr.Kofinas from the very beginning. I have so much trust and faith in Dr.B but this time I wanted to try something different. Out of pure desperation, I thought maybe an extra set of eyes by someone else who also specializes in clotting issues may make the difference. I started seeing him in my 5th week. By 6wks, I was already getting significant bleeding and clots. By the 7th week, it got so bad that when I went in for a sono we saw that blood passed through the sac and we lost our baby. Once again... a subchorionic hematoma sabotaged our hope for a miracle.

The day that we got the news confirmed that the pregnancy was no longer viable, I told my DH that like I said earlier in the pregnancy, I could not bare another round of this. After our history of infertility and loss, alongside drugs with uncomfortable side effects, I reached the point where moving forward with another significant chance of a loss was not a risk I was willing to take. Thankfully in this entire process, my DH has been the most supportive person on earth. Not only that, I feel so lucky that we always very naturally roll into the next steps and agree on what we feel is best. This time was no different than any other. My DH's pain in all this is just as deep as my own, and we want a family so much. He spoke to Dr.Braverman on the phone for me that day, because I could not bare to hold back tears long enough to make the call myself. He confirmed our risk of loss if I do get pregnant again, and our risk of serious 3rd trimester complications if I make it to that point. He told my DH that both him and Dr.Kofinas feel that surrogacy is the next best option for us. At this point with all the pain we were feeling and our desire to have a family more than anything, we were very much on board.

Have I thought about getting second and third opinions? .. I actually have over the last few months. As much as I love Dr.Braverman as a person and a doctor, I could not take the next step in this process without getting opinions of another set of eyes. Ultimately, we determined this is the best choice for us all around. We could continue on this path and have more losses , just to leave us back where we are right now... or we could get ourselves out of this mess NOW.

After years of infertility treatments and losses, what seemed like a very hard decision at first became a huge source of relief. When my DH called and spoke to the woman at the surrogacy agency today, she said she was sorry to hear our road led to that path. It sounded weird to me. Yes, I'm sorry I had all my losses... but I am not sorry that the road has come to this. I'm so grateful that surrogacy is an option! It's amazing that there are people out there willing to give up their bodies for 9 months to carry another woman's baby. It blows my mind that another woman (despite the fact that she's being paid) could do something so selfless for another family and help their dreams come true.

Pregnancy is not permanent for anyone. I was pregnant, and now I'm not ... and I feel so grateful that I was able to experience the joys a pregnancy can offer because I know how precious those moments are. Last week when I had my loss, this road took a change. My DH and I decided that though the focus used to be on me getting pregnant, it now has to be on us starting a family.

Our new path has already begun. We spoke to Dr.B this morning in his office about starting the process and already were in contact with the agency. I am so hopeful that this will bring us the miracle we tried so long for. That's not to say that it wasn't an emotional appointment, and I did cry once we reached the parking lot on the way out... but I know this is for the best and I am excited about getting started. Since we make very good embryos and the cause of my losses is related to issues with my body, we will be using our own embryos. I have ten frozen already, so the baby will be biologically, etc. ours.

I'm sorry this got so long, but I have to say I don't think I would have gotten to this point in one piece if not for my amazingly supportive DH and all of you. All I ask at this point is to please not send sad hugs in response to this thread. I'm not sad... I'm hopeful.

I will be starting LIF's first Surrogacy Journal (like my IVF journals) shortly!! I am hopeful that if someone else out there has to go down the surrogacy path as well, my surrogacy journal could be a useful source of information about the process.





**I also want to add that if anyone reading this has been through the surrogacy process and has some info to share, I would really appreciate an FM!

Message edited 12/31/2011 6:23:27 AM.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

i know this wasnt an easy decision, but you seem at peace with it so

you know id carry for you if Dr. B let me

Message edited 12/30/2011 11:55:45 PM.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Posted by FlowerWife


you know id carry for you if Dr. B let me

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by FlowerWife


you know id carry for you if Dr. B let me

I know you would... you are amazing and just the fact that you even asked him is the most amazing gift a friend has ever given me.

Message edited 12/30/2011 11:58:47 PM.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

said it before and will say it again..strongest woman i will ever know

you are..read that again..you are..going to be an amazing amazing mother!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Good luck!!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Good luck!! I'm not a religious person by any means but I find myself saying little prayers for you. Wishing you and your DH the best of luck on this new path!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Wishing you all the best on this journey. Many prayers for you

Message edited 12/31/2011 3:40:05 AM.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

you are amazing. that's all i can really think to say. sending you lots of prayers for your new journey!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I'm so happy you have made peace with this decision
I look forward to following you through your journey

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

You know my thoughts on this already.
Let 2012 give all of us our babies. As long as they get here, the how doesn't matter. I'm so proud of you. You have been such a trooper. It won't be long until you're holding your little one(s)

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I'm so glad to read this and can't wait to hear all about your new journey.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I wish the best of luck on your new journey and I look forward to reading your updates!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

best of luck on your new journey!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I am so happy to see you so at peace with everything. I hope your new journey in 2012 brings you and DH everything you deserve and want!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Best of luck in this new journey!!! May 2012 bring you a happy healthy bundle of joy! You and your hubby are such strong people, you will be terrific parents!!!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I am happy you have a new plan hoping and praying 2012 brings you happiness and closure

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

What an exciting new step for you. Wishing you all the best. Im just as hopeful as you are!!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

New Year, new plan, new journey!! Wishing you tons of luck and prayers for this journey!!! What an exciting one and so glad you can share it with the rest of us!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Thinking of you and happy for your new plan!!!!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Jackie, you are by far the strongest and bravest woman I know. I am very excited for you and your DH as you guys start this next step of your journey. You will be amazing parents! I hope 2012 brings you your precious LO. I look forward to hearing all about it...and then having playdates.

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

I hope 2012 brings you the miracle you and your DH so very much deserve!!! It sounds like you've made peace with this decision, and that's a wonderful thing Like the PP said, it doesn't matter how your LO gets here, just that they get here (and hopefully soon!). I'm so looking forward to hearing about your new journey, I've always thought surrogacy was an amazing thing!

Praying that this is an easy and quick process for you and that 2012 brings you the LO that you so deserve

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

You've been through so much and I am happy to hear that you're on your way to the family you have always wanted!!! I hope that the new year brings you nothing but good news and happiness and the baby of your dreams!!! Lots of luck with everything!!!!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Best of luck on your new journey, Jackie!!!

2012 is going to be a new and exciting year! I wish you and your DH all the best. This is so exciting and I cannot wait to follow your journal!!

Re: And the road goes on ... (**my long update**)

Jackie, lots of luck in the new year. Stay positive! There are also a couple of sites and forums with both women who are the surrogate and women who are using surrogacy to have their baby. When I dabbled with the idea, I found them helpful.