Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Vin and I had a long talk about what we envision for the baby's Christening. Our families are so similar in ways, but very different in other ways - in my family, we have smaller, more intimate gatherings and his family tends to do larger-scale events. Our wedding was a very large-scale event (225 people - my side was 70) - I tried to keep our Engagement Party simple but even that was over 100 people at a steakhouse - we opted for that instead of a "hall" because I wanted to keep it low key. I enjoyed them, don't get me wrong, but both DH and I are on the same page about a Christening - that it is a meaningful, intimate, family affair.

We would like to have our immediate at the Church and then to a dinner - a simple dinner at a nice restaurant. This would be: my parents (2), DH's parents (2), our siblings (I have two, he has one along with their significant others (5 with SO's)), our two nephews (SIL has a son, my brother has a son - 2), and our Godparents - Godmother is my sister so she's already included and me and DH's best friend is the Godfather so him (with his GF - 2). That's eleven adults with two children.

We have been to Christenings on DH's side that were at wedding halls - some with 125+ people there, DJ's, Viennese Hour, huge dinners, open bar, the works. They were lovely, and the kids had a ball. For our family, though, this is not what we, personally, envision for this kind of event. That being said, we don't want to "exclude" anyone or not permit anyone who wants to see our son from seeing him on his Christening Day. So, a friend suggested having people for Christening cake and coffee/tea after we do the Church and family Dinner - to have them at our home, just so that they can see the baby, have some cake, take pictures if they want, etc.

I don't want people who went to the "wedding" style Christenings to feel that they need to give a gift to us... especially similar to the one they gave at those events being that SIL's was like that - so, since DH and her are siblings, will they feel I gave SIL X dollars so I have to give Vin Jr. X dollars?... but they are not getting a huge party and dinner with open bar... for us, it's not even about a gift - we just want them to be able to see the baby, if they'd like. People like DH's Aunts, Uncles, cousins... these are people who are very close, but if we were to actually have a party with them, plus their kids, it would EASILY be 100 people even if I tried to really minimize it. And that's before our friends and my side! It wasn't as bad with the E-Party and Wedding because their kids weren't invited, those were adult events, but with Christenings you are now adding in kids - that would be a HUGE amount of people/kids.

So, it's a can of worms - it's either, you go big or you do the smallest thing possible. There's just no in between. And if we do the smallest thing possible and just exclude everyone from seeing our baby, all-together? That seems awful to me :( I feel like then they'd be really upset/sad.

My questions - has anyone done a very small, intimate Christening? How can I do the above WITHOUT people feeling like they are to give a gift and aren't getting a dinner/party for it? I want people to know that we want them to be able to see the baby, but that we aren't looking to have a mini-wedding. Can I just request no gifts? It's not about the gifts for us.

Looking for advice and suggestions. I hope I'm not TOTALLY out of line for wanting this to be small -- DH and I just really value our Faith and our son's Christening is a special, intimate occasion for us... in our minds, not to say that people who do larger events don't value their faith or feel it's special but this is just our feelings. KWIM?

Thank you so much for reading, I know it is long, and I really appreciate everyone's insight and experiences as well as opinions.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

How old were you planning DC to be for the christening? I wonder if you could do like a "sip and see" at your home, but leave the ceremony and meal for immediate family.

I wouldnt mention the christening to extended family, but this way you could have everyone see the baby for a special occasion. My DHs family does the sip and sees and they are cute gatherings.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I have a big family & had a family member who did the christening with the cake & coffee after to include everyone & then had dinner with their immediate family.
To be honest it was a nuisance, we felt obliged to go & it kind of came across as them being frugal more than anything else. I think there is nothing wrong with telling your extended family you are doing something very small for the christening & leave it at that. There will be plenty of other family gatherings that they will get the opportunity to see the baby & while a christening is special for you & your DH, etc. it doesn't really hold the same significance for the rest of your family to be invited without the reception after, in my experience.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Ugh.. I understand your dilemma.

If DH and I invite our "immediate" family that's 7 people. (that's including us and the baby lol).

I just did a count in my head and we'd be inviting... 93 people. (That's extended family that we'd def invite, their kids, and the only friends would be those in our wedding party, their kids, and our LO's godparents. This # will probably go up though based on my mom and MIL).

In a perfect world, I'd have a house big enough to have everyone over afterwards. In a perfect would I would have it be the beginning of spring and at least rent a tent and have it ouside. But I don't have the option to either lol.

What we're probably going to do, is rent the VFW around the block from us and get it catered and call it a day. This is one of the reasons we didn't have an engagement party.

Message edited 6/4/2013 3:19:19 PM.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I would keep it simple. It is what you want to do and you have very logical well thought out reasons for it.

I would skip the cake part since you said the family will have met the baby already. It also will make for more work for you and make things more hectic. If anyone asks, just say we are having a small Christening. I am sure there will be some people offended (since people usually are when family events are involved).

ETA - I know where you are coming from though - our immediate family, including us and the kids is small (8 people since we're both only children) but, by the time you add in "close" family you are near 100!

Message edited 6/4/2013 3:35:02 PM.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I would do the small, intimate dinner, just as you and your DH envision it. This is your family now, and your first of many decisions that you will make based on your wishes and what's best for your little family unit.

If you wish to have cake and coffee back at your house later that day or another day, that is fine.

The family members that want to see your DS right away will do so regardless of when you have the Christening.

And remember, people should/will give a gift because they want to, not based on what type of catered event you inviting them to.

Take the monetary gifts out of the equation and do what you feel is right in your heart. Just because your SIL had a big party does not mean you have to.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Small is the way to go IMO, I have 9 brothers and sisters alone so small and intimate is never an option but for DS we did moms dads sisters brothers grandmothers (dh's are still alive where as mine aren't) it was at Matteo's and it was perfect, I just feel like btwn my shower, wedding, baby shower, 1st bday it's like nothing is ever small so we keep it as low key as possible for christenings.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

crashing___- My sister is going threw this exact thing right now. Her husband and her dont want a "huge" party for the baptism. they both have large families and it would easily be 120 ppl. Most of the ppl add up since they both have 16 or more cousins who are all married with kids now...
So after much back and forth they finally decided that they want to do what "They" want and not what everone else wants or cares for. SO in the end shes having a nice diner at a resutrant for the imadaite family *grandparents, sibilings and godparents but they are also inviting there aunts and uncles NO cousins or friends.
I want to say in the end its ging to be about 25 ppl.

Do what you want and dont worry about everyone else this is ur family and you have to do what works for you guys...

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

i went through something similiar. i wanted to do what you wanted to do. in the end though, we felt, how could we exclude like our best friends, or this aunt or this uncle. we ended up just doing VERY close friends and immediate aunts/uncles. it came to about 45 people. we did it in a restaurant. not a hall. it was a good compromise.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I'm from out of state so my response to these things is always grouchy because 'events' (read: every single type of event you could possibly celebrate) is a completely different experience in NY.

I feel like everything gets so blown out of proportion here and it becomes an expectation that you and every person out there has a huge asss party to celebrate every single little thing.




I don't think you should have to say anything or do anything to make anyone more comfortable about what you guys decide to do to celebrate this event.

Remembering what this event is supposed to mean -- that's what is most important in my mind.

For us, honestly -- we'd both be okay with just having us and the godparents there and celebrating privately.

Even if the grandparents weren't there I don't think I'd care. None of our parents are very religious and none of them go to church.

We have continued as adults to practice the Catholic religion in spite of our family's practicing habits. We have chosen godparents based on our personal comfort with the individuals and how their day to day lifestyle reflects the Catholic religion.

Because that is what is best for us and our child -- anyone who is going to call up our parents and say 'hey, why didn't so and so have a party for baby XYZ' -- is an a-hole IMO.


this hasn't been discussed yet with my ILs yet who are the native NY grandparents and I can foresee that being a possible disappointment -- but, tough.

Even if they were to say 'We'll pay for the party' I still wouldn't have one.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Honestly if you picture it a certain way, stick with that way. After the baby is born it will not matter who gets their panties in a bunch, all that will really matter is your family. (you, your dh and baby) We had a small celebration for our son's dedication (similar to a christening/baptism) and some people were upset they weren't invited but, tough. We wanted it to be a small and intimate affair., which it exactly what it was and it was beautiful. Do what you guys want, as long as you and your DH are on the same page, that's all that matters.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I am in the throes of planning DS's baptism and similar to almost everyone’s experience is mine! I come from Spanish background and in my family we look for parties! But my fam also doesn’t really get what goes into throwing a big shin dig nowadays... when I was younger - we did house parties and no one thought anything about it... Now a day it’s not so simple or rather we don’t make it that simple sometimes. DH comes from the complete opposite... he has like 11 people in his family and only speaks to like 4! When we got married the majority of the guest were mine... at my shower (baby and bridal) same thing...
When I had my baby shower last October - I vowed that as much as I love to have parties and dance it up... for DS's Baptism - I would not do it. For many reasons - I too wanted it to be intimate…and be a special occasion with the most important people in my life – those who will make an significant impact in his life and help me show my son the world and how to navigate it… I didn’t want the drama with planning a big thing…
DH and I went through the list over and over and finally settled on 25… from about 190. That was hard. WE basically cut out everyone except for our parents, sibling’s nieces and godparents. That’s it… even very close family members that have asked about him being baptized –we have had to say we are doing an intimate family dinner. Maybe they are offended – I don’t know…but we have to do what we have to do… Its tough – but you have to do what you want and not for others…

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I agree do what you want. now if you would like to have folks over for a casual thing but are worried they will feel obliged just put "no gifts" on the invitation. some people will anyway but you can eliminate the people who will "think you are cheap." Though I also agree that people should give gifts bc they want to and not because they feel obliged. I mean I will admit to feeling okay giving a smaller gift at an very informal get together if it's not someone I am really close to, I would still want to give something because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to buy my plate etc.

but the family dinner sounds lovely and nice!

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

Do what you want & don't care what anyone says. We are doing a dinner/lunch after the church. We will have about 21ppl. That is our close family. DH wanted to start inviting friends, but I am insisting we keep it small.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

My family does things like christenings and showers small/intimate. I've never been to a Christening that was like a wedding before. Everyone I know has either done a party at home or lunch/dinner in a restaurant after the church. There's nothing wrong with letting people know that its going to be low-key- plus they will probably figure it out based on location.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I come from a big Irish/Italian family and there is just no such thing as doing something "small". That being said, my father's side of the family does NOT have the money to do big parties (even weddings are small). What we've done in the past is sort of an open house at my aunt's house (who has enough space) for an afternoon/evening. Everyone goes (even some who didn't go to the church for their own reasons), we usually do buffet-style: heros, pasta, chicken, etc., and a lot of it is usually home cooked, we just pick up the big sterno's and stuff at one of those party stores or even the dollar store if you can find them! This way everyone can come and go as they please and you can still keep it inexpensive (especially compared to those hall parties, with my mother's side does all the time).

These days a Christening has become more than just a religious event, it's sort of a "coming out" for the baby, where they can be introduced to the family, so I get how you want to invite everyone. In China (DH is Chinese), they have a 1 month ceremony that is along the same lines - baby and mommy during that 1st month are supposed to be recuperating from the birth and aren't supposed to get visitors or do anything. At the 1 month ceremony, both baby and mom are presented to family and friends for a big celebration.

Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

We did it "small"- for my family anyway. It was around 50 people, we did it at the Irish Coffee Pub. It was immediate family and then my aunts/uncles, grandparents and first cousins only. I had one table of very close friends and their children. We didn't explain anything to anyone. Everyone was invited to the church and the dinner. Most came to both but some could only do one or the other because of timing. People gave what they gave and that was that. I don't know if it was more or less than people expected but it was exactly how I pictured it and couldn't have been happier with the turn out. Do what makes you happy and it is what it is. For me I give a set amount for a Baptism depending on my relationship to the family and it doesn't matter where the person is having it... it could be in the basement of the church, a backyard or a pricey wedding venue... I'm still giving the same thing.

Re: Christening Dilemma, please help if you can:

I think it's really hard. I understnad how you feel but family obligatins can be intense. i don't think I could do a Christening with under 100 people