Question for SAHM's...

I honestly hope that this doesn't turn into a SAHM v Working mom debate.. BUt I have a question for the SAHM's. Are you happy to be a SAHM mom? Do you feel like you dont have a choice but to be a SAHM? And do you feel like working parents don't have a right to "complain' bc they get a break from their kids etc?


I have two best friends who had nice careers and quit well paying jobs to be SAHM's and all I hear them do is complain about how they gave up something of themselves, they feel stuck and unhappy, they don't get to socialize, they are resenftful bc their husbands lives didn't change but theirs did. I try to be supportive, but it is starting to bug me bc as hard as it is to be home with kids 24/7, being a stay at home parent IMO is a choice and a luxury that for many is not an option. The days where I am battling childcare issues and work/kid schedules or coming home after working 10-12 hours to doing homework etc- its all but I have in me not to just rip the complaining friends heads off lol. I try to encourage them to go back to work if that's what they really want but there is always an excuse- no family to watch the kids, don't trust nannys etc etc. The way I see it, you (almost always) have a choice, and these friends certainly have a choice bc they have high paying careeers where they could afford to work and pay child care, they just choose not to.


I have a decent work life /balance and I am not entirely sure I would want to be a SAHM bc I went to school for so many years and worked to build a careeer but most days I do feel it would be easier to be a SAHM and not worry about child care and stressing about both work and the kids and their schedules and juggling both.. I do try to stop myself from complaining bc I know that I could be a SAHM with ALOT of sacrifice so I recognize that I too am making a conscience decision to work.


ETA:

I know this is typical and to be expected on these boards but my question was not intended to be a debate on who has it harder.. nor am I impliying that being a SAHM is easy or easier than working . Both SAHM and working moms have difficult struggles and I agree most with those posts that say that its not a SAHM v. working mom scenario but more along the lines of what an individual's specific scenario is.. ie. a SAHM with lots of outside help and/or kids in school, has it easier than a working mom who has a kid in daycare and no other outside help (assuming the husbands and all other circumstances are the same).

Anyway perhaps my question -for SAHM's- assuming all other things are the same-- if you feel stuck and like you are losing your identity and freedom-- why not just go back to work?


Again--this is not meant for those who cannot afford to work bc they would pay more in childcare than what they make- the particular scenarios with my friends-as I mentioned they make great money and could afford to work , I understand complaining about how tough it can be -- but when you start to complain about losing your freedom, or giving up your identity-- you kind of lose me...bc IMO you made the choice to do that.

Message edited 3/22/2018 3:37:26 PM.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I’m not a stay at home mom but.. ha ha j/k

Carry on, Just wanted to throw it out there and get it over with.

Question for SAHM's...

I think some people will always find something to complain about. I'm a sahm, partially by choice. But also because childcare is so expensve, my dh and I agreed that we didn't want me to work while the kids are little just for pretty much all of my earnings to go towards someone else raising our kids. My mom is deceased, but if she was alive it might be a very different situation for me bc I would have had someone I trust to watch my kids and I could have gone back to work. I do feel sad that I pretty much gave up any chance of the career I wanted (was trying to become a full time tenured teacher when I stopped working to have our first child because I was only earning Substitute teacher pay, which is peanuts and probably less than the cost of daycare,but now my certification has lapsed, so going back to working as a teacher would mean needing take many thousands of dollars worth of courses to regain certification- money we don't currently have due to me not working all these years) so yes in a way I feel stuck, career wise. But I have treasured these years home with my little ones and wouldn't change anything.

Message edited 3/22/2018 1:20:19 PM.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I never got the debate bc for me it doesn’t matter if you work or not

What makes it “easier” is the kind of kids you have

But I will
Say sahm isn’t always choice. I sah bc I didnt have a career and what I would make wouldn’t cover child care that we would need

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I also want to add

I have a friend who always talks about the luxury of staying home and yes sometimes it is

But forgets about the luxury of having help when needed for whatever reason

Nobody cares when you’re a sahm and you have the flu and still have kids to care for

Kwim. It’s not a black and white situation. It varies so much and everyone is always going to want what someone else has

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I always thought the sahms had it better until I lost my job which forced me to become a sahm. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. I worked part time and then eventually full.time again. I think for me part time is ideal but I did not enjoy being a sahm. I found exhausting. My kids were 2 and 4 months old at the time. In hindsight I'm glad I was able to spend the time with them bit I have to hand itbyo the stay at homes. Not easy by any means

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Message edited 3/22/2018 2:08:45 PM.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Its all about choices. And sacrifices. I equate it to:

People complain about their commute (1 hour, snow, traffic, LIRR) and I think so be like me and downsize get a small apt 5 miles from work so you wont complain OR live with your choice and stop complaining! I dont bother to blame taxes, my governor, elected officials etc. Its a choice and we are happy have a good life and grateful.

Complain about complainers.

Haha

I am no help sorry!

I read recently that complaining changes our brains.

Message edited 3/22/2018 1:49:42 PM.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Dup

Message edited 3/22/2018 1:39:36 PM.

Question for SAHM's...

Ive done both and both suck for a variety of reasons. I stopped working when my daughter got sick so I wasn’t really given a choice. I thought I’d love it. I wouldn’t say I hate it but I think I was a better mother when I worked. Because of my daughter’s therapy schedule, my other daughter’s school, I won’t be able to go back to work, even part time, until Fall 2019.

So both sides have a right to complain, for different reasons.

Question for SAHM's...

.

Message edited 3/19/2020 10:28:09 AM.

Question for SAHM's...

I stay home by choice and I do love it 99% of the time. That's not to say we don't make sacrifices. Nobody's life is perfect though and everyone has the right to complain now and then. For us, it's a big financial sacrifice but that's a trade off we are okay with, especially knowing I will go back to work down the road. I don't complain that we can't afford xyz and don't go on expensive vacations bc it was our own choice. I try not to judge others for their decisions and I'd like to hope others don't judge me but tbh I don't really care what others think.

Question for SAHM's...

If they were that miserable they would go back to work. Sounds to me like they’re trying to justify not having a job when no one needs any justification.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Want to add I was SAHM for 6 years went back PT and then FT and got divorced. I have no help BUT have an easy commute, grate salary and benefits with good work/life balance and manage my small home well by myself. I have been in various sides of the fence and I wouldnt have it any other way.

And imagine if as a single mom who works full time I started complaining about the married SAHM or WFTM complainers!? Lol

Message edited 3/22/2018 2:17:46 PM.

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Honestly, both are equally hard in my opinion.
Having kids, in general, is very hard and life changing.
Regardless if you work or not.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I’m a ftwm as are most of my friends, but recently with dd in school, I’ve become friends with some moms who are sahms, most of which have no choice given the volatility of their dh’s Working hours. Listening to how everything is put on them house- and child-wise (chores, getting them to functions, etc are a little more balanced in my house due to us both working), and seeing the monodimensionalty of their lives, I get it. Not to say all they do is complain. I actually think they don’t complain at all. That could just be more the personality of your friends, and sometimes when people find people in the same boat as them, they tend to complain more. But yeah, I feel like the grass always seems greener on the other side but either way, we all make sacrifices and all work our butts off. Just in different ways.

Question for SAHM's...

I think we ALL have a right to complain. Mothering is hard and often thankless. Doesn't matter if you SAH or Work. Its 2018, and parenting still isn't 50-50% (in most cases). There is a lot to complain about, but a lot to be proud of too.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

I’m a SAHM by choice and love it. In response to your question, I think anyone has the right to complain. Anyone can experience hard days and people have a right to complain about anything they feel is worthy complaining about. I feel like it’s a pretty judgmental mindset to think someone doesn’t have a “right” to complain. I don’t mean about career choices, I mean that in a general sense. I once saw a general practitioner and happened to bring up at my appt that I’ve been so stresssed over several miscarriages I experienced in a row. He told me about all the losses his wife had and implied he and his wife had it a lot worse (I’m sorry, didn’t realize it was a “who’s life is harder” pissing match).. anyway so I said, “So are you saying people have it worse so I shouldn’t complain?” (Just to be sure I understand what he was saying...) and he said yes.

I think the world would be a much more zen place if we weren’t so judgmental about another person’s choice of complaints or grief. Truly. Someone will ALWAYS have it worse. Doesn’t make anyone’s reality less difficult for the person going through it.

Reminds me of a famous interaction in “As Good As It Gets”.

“Wouldn’t your life be easier if you were straight?”

“Melvin, is your life easy?”

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Re: Question for SAHM's...

i worked while DS was little, and i stayed home while he was little. they were both hard, they were both sacrifices.

they were both hard in different ways.


the following is COMPLETELY my opinion on parenting: take it for what i charge you...

i BELIEVE that if you are truly present in the parenting "thing" and you truly want to be a good parent... no matter what you do, you will stress out about it and worry about it. it's a really tough gig!!

then... there are people who complain no matter what is going on. they complain just to hear themselves talk.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Was a SAHM. Not really by “choice” but my salary would have barely covered daycare so it made sense.

Then my marriage fell apart and I discovered that we were in a mountain of debt (yes I was that stupid to not know bc he was in charge of all the finances).

Anyway.... full time working single mom now and all I can add is this: if you are a SAHM, I hope you have something to fall back on god forbid you end up single and supporting your kids alone. Child support doesn’t cover much.

Edited to answer your questions LOL
1. I did not really have a “choice” as financially (or so I thought at the time) it made sense for me to be home. However, I did love being home when my kids were little. It was isolating at times and there were days when I was jealous of friends who went to work. I remember also feeling slightly resentful of my spouse at the time bc he got to get out and be with adults. I never got a “break”.
2. However, being a full time working single mom now isn’t easy either. I feel like I never get a break still LOL and also, I have guilt because I can’t be as involved with their school things as I used to. They’re older now (middle school and high school) and sometimes I feel disconnected.

Being a mom is hard. SAHM, working married mom, single mom, co parenting mom.... I don’t care WHAT kind of mom you are... there is NOTHING easy about any of it. We all do the best we can.

Message edited 3/22/2018 3:03:53 PM.

Question for SAHM's...

Being a parent is hard no matter the situation. Not all stay at home parents are home by choice- I initially stayed home by choice then started looking into the cost of childcare and quickly realized that due to my husband’s schedule I would need daycare plus another form of childcare in order to make it work. It did not make financial sense at the time. I have been happy to have an extended time home with my daughter but there are days where I am at my breaking point- I have little support from my husband or parents the majority of the time. We cannot afford for me to pay for additional childcare on my husband’s income so when my daughter is not in preschool I literally take her everywhere with me if I cannot arrange for my mother or husband to take care of her. It can be challenging especially if I am sick or hurt.
I have found many opportunities to socialize with other stay at home parents- I had to get out of the house and found activities to take my daughter to starting around 8 months old. I think regardless of the situation you have to choose to make the best of it- I have been looking to go back to work and after being home for nearly five years it has been very hard- I am looking to return to work but I know a big part of my salary will pay for childcare- my guess is there is more going on with your friends and maybe they might need some support

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Deleted. No drama mama.

Message edited 3/23/2018 11:28:12 AM.

Re: Question for SAHM's...

Being a mom, managing everyone's schedules, making sure the house is running, and taking care of everything is difficult if you are a full time, part time, work from home, or stay at home mom.

I have worked full time, part time, and now I work from home, but occasionally have to drive to the office or to meet clients out of my home. Social planning, keeping the house, all of it falls to me as I am sure it does for most women.

No one person has it easy. Someone might have health problems, or family problems, or a special needs child.

I don't know any parent that has it all and certainly not all at the same time.