Anonymous.... mother needs help....

yes, I am posting under a fake name....

I am a mess and I guess I need to vent. I can already anticipate the responses to this, which almost makes me not want to post.

The issues are that my husband is a compulsive lair & quite honestly, a terrible husband & father. He goes out 2-4 nights a week with his single friends, he goes to strip clubs, he comes home at 4 am. He has never fed our DD ONE meal, never taken her out for a walk, never done anything with her. She is 11 months old. He has never even put her to bed.

I work full time, 40 hours a week & do everything for the baby. He owns his own company & works about 2-3 days a week. He goes out for expensive dinners & leaves me home alone. he buys $400 shoes then yells at me for spending $100 at walmart on formula.

we had a huge fight 2 weeks ago & it got ugly. The police were called. Though I did not ask for it, nor did I choose to press charges, he was arrested & I was granted a restraining order. And no - he did not hit me. He just acted like an animal. He was charged with disorderly conduct. They arrested him for being an a$$hole to his wife, basically.

After 9 days, he had a court date & he (thru his lawyer, his mother & EVERYONE else) begged me to drop the restraining order. He said he was going to grow up, he promised to go to marriage counseling, blah blah blah. So I went to court & had it removed so he could come home.

He was home for less than 48 hours when he said he was "going snowmobiling with the boys." He hasn't seen his baby in over a week yet he chooses to go to away?

He SWORE he's be home by Friday night. Then he claimed they were "snowed in'" Then, on the way home, "the truck broke down." you get the picture.

So I called the place I know he uses to rent his snowmobile. The girl told me he hadn't returned his sled yet. He was out on the trails while telling me they were on the side of the road broken down.

He came home at midnight on Saturday and refused to admit he lied.

Now I go online & check our joint bank account which is our SAVINGS ONLY and I see that he took out over $2K to go snowmobiling. Also, today is Feb 4th & he hasn't paid the rent yet.

Obviously, I have to throw this piece of sh!t out. I just don't know how. He doesn't care about anyone but himself.

he is supposed to go tonight to meet with the marriage counselor by himself. I am tempted to pack his things while he is gone.

Message edited 2/4/2008 3:12:09 PM.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Wow that's tough. I would agree that its time for him to go. You have to ask yourself if you're prepared for that.....or do you think marriage counseling could work? Your husband has to want to change...it seems like he's not ready to grow up and face that he has a family. For your DDs sake I hope he does soon.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Wow. You are dealing with way way way too much. This is not good. There is no way in heck I would stand for this. He needs to either agree to see the counselor weekly and make IMMEDIATE changes, he also needs to take more responsibility in caring for his child. Starting NOW. And if he doesnt give him the boot. I know its easier said than done but it looks like you are so over it already. I wish the best of luck.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!

Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I am so very sorry you're going through this. Do you have family nearby who can help you? You are going to need all the support you can get to take these next steps, but as you know you are doing the right thing. I might start by changing the locks...tell him to enjoy his trip because he has no place to come home to. I am so sorry. I really commend you for taking action, I know it is probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

wow, I am so sorry that the man who vowed to love and honor you is acting like this. I think you know what you need to do but the question is, are you strong enough to do it? I think you need to tell him to kick rocks, pack up his **** and leave it outside for him

it is obvious that he has no respect for your union and he does not deserve you

I am SO SORRY that you are going through this

fm me anytime if you need to vent

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Don't be embarrassed, and don't worry about what people might post.

You said yourself that you know what you need to do. I can only imagine how hard it is/was to come to that decision, and now to have to act on it is even harder. But you and your dd deserve better treatment and some stability. Being a working mom is very hard, and you've pretty much been a single parent the past 11 months. You can do this, you have been doing it, just with a financial & emotional drain attached to you.

Things will get better once you are able to get that stress out of your life. If you want to vent feel free to FM.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by bicosi

I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!

Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Is really all I can offer you. And to say that if you do choose to seperate, see if you can put a freeze on that bank account, because if he took out $2 to go snowmobiling, if you throw him out, there may be nothing in there the next time you look. If he's that irresponsible, protect your interests before he has the chance to do something worse. But I hope for everyone's sake, you guys are able to work it out without any other major problems.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by vegalady

Wow. You are dealing with way way way too much. This is not good. There is no way in heck I would stand for this. He needs to either agree to see the counselor weekly and make IMMEDIATE changes, he also needs to take more responsibility in caring for his child. Starting NOW. And if he doesnt give him the boot. I know its easier said than done but it looks like you are so over it already. I wish the best of luck.

Message edited 2/4/2008 3:20:49 PM.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

First of all... to you for what you are going through. I am going to give you my gut instinct with the disclaimer that I have never been in this situation so this is just an outsider's perspective.

Upon reading your post, my heart just completely goes out to you. My honest opinion is that he needs to go. Now. He was in jail for a week. He came back and spent $2000 of your savings on a snowmobiling trip???

If spending a week in jail for his behavior didn't make him stop to think about what he needs to do for his family, I'm not sure anything will.

It's one thing if it were just you and him. You could probably put up with it for a bit longer. But now you have your DD to think about. You have to do what's right for the 2 of you and honestly, it seems like he is not helping matters.

I will keep you in my thoughts that you are able to make a decision that will be good for both you and DD.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

i'm so sorry this is happening to you. Def protect your interests - put your savings in your own account before he has a chance to get to them. you and your DD will need it. i hope he does go get help soon

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Obviously you know what you need to do. I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. I would like to guess that he wasn't much different while you were dating or before you had your child.

Of course you feel bad because you don't want your child to be without a dad but he's not there now anyway. As for his mom, lawyer, etc. let them take him in.

It''s up to you if you see that you can work through this. Things will not change overnight and might never change. You have to ask yourself how long you want to give more of yourself.

There appears to be a lack of respect towards you and that will really beat you down. You don't have to be hit to be abused.

I hope whatever you chose - you are safe. And remember you are not obligated to drop anything (restaining order) in the future. If you do throw him out, be prepared to be harrassed, change your locks and build a support system around you. You might even want to think about moving somewhere else.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

oh my gosh, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time... just wanted to offer some hugs

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

So sorry Sounds like you have the right intentions, to just let him go. I do believe in doing everything you can to work it out, although both sides have to want it to work. Sounds like he doesn't.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Do you want to stay in this? I think its really up to you now and what you want. Its easy for anyone to say leave him but maybe you want to work things out...I dont know. Couples counseling is a good solution. Why were you not going with him tonite? I think you should be there to VENT away at him. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable and immature. I think it needs to be know in a private forum you, him and a counselor.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by sadgirl08

Posted by bicosi

I just want to give you hugs!! This must be so difficult for you!!

Throw his a$$ out! Do you have family that you can turn to for support?

My family is in another state but his family is in the same town & they are all on my side. his mother isn't speaking to him over this & his sisters hate him right now. Everyone has told him how wrong he is & he just laughs.

he's 30 years old by the way. Its not like we're 19

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this...you and your DD deserve so much better.

I think that you know what do - it's just a matter of how and when. My advice would be to thik carefully - plan it out...put money aside...take care of you and your daughter before doing anything. Don't let him have the chance to take the money and run.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Ask yourself --- are you better off with him, or without him?

I think you know the answer.

Do what you have to do, you will be OK.

I've been through a divorce - he was a liar and an alcoholic and a cheater, and refused to grow up. It was difficult, but I made it through.

It's amazing to me now that I put up with his stuff for as long as I did - and that marriage does NOT have to be like that, and you CAN and DESERVE to be happy.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....