Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I just wanted to send you some hugs.

I grew up in a household where my dad was not the father I wanted or the husband my mother ever deserved. All I can say is put your child and yourself first - you deserve that!

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I don't say this lightly and I know I am not in the situation but I would honestly leave him. In a religious sense, your life is not over and you are not meant to suffer like this. There may be someone very special for you and your daughter on the horizon. It just might take some pain and a bit of time to get there, but the road ahead will strengthen you.

Without repeating everything you said, there are so many roadsigns and flashing neon lights in your story...I would like to imagine that G-d is telling you to get out. Your daughter is still young enough that she won't feel a thing.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by traceyd

After reading your first post the first thing that came into my head is to get to the bank ASAP and take out money. If you do throw him out that will be the first place he goes tomorrow.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

to you all i can say is i hope things get better for you! I had both a mother and a father that did this to each other and neither one of them pid attention to there kids (there were 6 of us) so with that said

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

sorry you are going through this. I cannot imagine as having not had to walk in your shoes.
With that said, my BFF had a similar type of husband, but didn't have the DC. She gave him every chance in the world to change, but ultimately her trust was never restored and he kept selfishly taking $ from the account, opening up CC, etc.

Please before you do anything get a handle on the financial situation- get all the money available and put it in a separate account.

Then work on getting him out of there.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I am so sorry you are going through this, it must be heartbreaking.
As others have said, in many different ways....it is so hard for people to change and doesn't usually work....unless they really want to change.
Lots of hugs and prayers for you

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is NOT going to change.
You have to ask youself..Do YOU want this marriage to work?
I wish you all the best,. and you have to do what is going to make YOU happy and what is best for your little one.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I don't have any advice just . You and your daughter deserve so much better. I know this is hard, but I really think you both would be so much better off without him.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

only thing i can say is changes take time, and if hes not commited to doing so, then i dont see it happening. I feel so bad for you and your child, im sure its extremely hard for you. Im not in your shoes so cant advise you on what to do, but i would suggest you think about whats best for your child.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through and the hurt you have because of the way your DD is treated by her father.

Is their anyone you can stay with? For DD's sake? I really have no other advice for you, but you know in your heart what you need to do. I am praying for you and your DD.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Nobody can really tell you what to do - you need to decide for yourself (and it seems like you already have). I am one who believes that someone like that does not change. This is not a good relationship for you or your DD. He will only change if he wants to, and it does not seem like he has any desire to do so.

If you think there is a chance he may redeem himself, then try a separation first instead of a divorce. It can even be a legal separation if you want. If you really don't think he will wake up and become the husband and father he should be, and you will be better off without him, then do what you have to do. Life it too short to be so unhappy -you deserve better and so does your DD.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by smdl

BUT... this is also what you need to do first BEFORE you say anything more to him.

- Open another bank immediatelly on your name only. Keep the info secret.
- Take the money you need out of the joint account (trust me.... he is going to wipe it out in the minutes that you mention the word "divorce"!). So do yourself a favor and put most of it in YOUR new account that he cannot touch.
- Get a backup plan if things get "violent" or "heated". Where to go live (parents, friends), etc..., have your purse and keys ready at all time as well as a bag for DC on your way out.
- With the "backup plan", have all official papers you might need also. Get yourself a safe at a bank and put your SS card, birth certificates, receipts of what you own, etc...
- Make a copy or take all receipts/statements of his expensive trips, purchases. That won't get you much but it shows a pattern. I know I am talking "divorce" but I am not sure what other option is available for you.
- If you have a file cabinet at work that you have a key to, it's a good place to keep all your "secret" info safe from him (I had to do that with my XH when I made a case again him).

He apparently has no respect for you or your DC.

Play the game with the counseling until you are ready. I know it's hard but you need to get "prepared" for it.

GL!

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Good luck..you are going through a scary time.. You will get through this and will be a stronger person in the end. I've learned the hard way that people don't change..get out

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by smdl

I have some "thoughts" that come to mind.

Yes you have to get rid of him. Sorry for the way I put it.

BUT... this is also what you need to do first BEFORE you say anything more to him.

- Open another bank immediatelly on your name only. Keep the info secret.
- Take the money you need out of the joint account (trust me.... he is going to wipe it out in the minutes that you mention the word "divorce"!). So do yourself a favor and put most of it in YOUR new account that he cannot touch.
- Get a backup plan if things get "violent" or "heated". Where to go live (parents, friends), etc..., have your purse and keys ready at all time as well as a bag for DC on your way out.
- With the "backup plan", have all official papers you might need also. Get yourself a safe at a bank and put your SS card, birth certificates, receipts of what you own, etc...
- Make a copy or take all receipts/statements of his expensive trips, purchases. That won't get you much but it shows a pattern. I know I am talking "divorce" but I am not sure what other option is available for you.
- If you have a file cabinet at work that you have a key to, it's a good place to keep all your "secret" info safe from him (I had to do that with my XH when I made a case again him).

He apparently has no respect for you or your DC.

Play the game with the counseling until you are ready. I know it's hard but you need to get "prepared" for it.

GL!

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I posted on your other thread but I just wanted to tell you that you are a very strong person for leaving! We are all here for you.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

I'm so sorry it's time for him to go

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

i would do exactly what you were thinking. get rid of him, you and your child deserve better than that.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

You don't deserve this at all. I know you are trying to keep the family together, but I would leave him. It is going to be really hard. I can't believe how much you put up with and for us to say, leave him is easy, but you actually have to do it.

I would take money out of your account and put it in a separate one first to protect yourself. My mother went through this and my father took 32K our of their savings and spent it gambling and taking his girlfriend away. Just be cautions.

We are here for you!!!!

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by MrsProfessor

I'm sorry. You deserve so much better than this.

Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by vegalady

Wow. You are dealing with way way way too much. This is not good. There is no way in heck I would stand for this. He needs to either agree to see the counselor weekly and make IMMEDIATE changes, he also needs to take more responsibility in caring for his child. Starting NOW. And if he doesnt give him the boot. I know its easier said than done but it looks like you are so over it already. I wish the best of luck.

ITA. One issue I would insist on is taking over the finances.

I would also add that while he is working on marriage counseling...

I would be copying the info on his business. Owning your own business makes it very easy to scew the other person during a divorce. Even the nicest person gets nasty when it comes to splitting $ in an difficult situation.



If it helps at all, I know a guy that sounds just like your husband in terms of still playing with the "guys". He lies to his wife, goes snowmobiling or out on the boat, etc. Their marriage has worked as well as it did because she gave him the # she needs to run the house & her expenses (which included her own investments). He is there for family events - and she hands the kids off to him when she needs a break. Eventually they reconnected, but he still lies to her about going out. Not my type of guy at all & I don't think I could put up with it, but she can & they seem happy.