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pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by sadgirl08
The marriage counselor has been very grim and frank with me. he basically told me that chances of DH changing are very slim.
This is probably true, are you ready to leave him if you accept that he will not change? best of luck 
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Posted 2/4/08 3:34 PM  |
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dandr10199
Grace is growing up too fast!
Member since 10/05 11561 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by CathyB
Don't be embarrassed, and don't worry about what people might post.
You said yourself that you know what you need to do. I can only imagine how hard it is/was to come to that decision, and now to have to act on it is even harder. But you and your dd deserve better treatment and some stability. Being a working mom is very hard, and you've pretty much been a single parent the past 11 months. You can do this, you have been doing it, just with a financial & emotional drain attached to you.
Things will get better once you are able to get that stress out of your life. If you want to vent feel free to FM. 
ITA!  I am so sorry you are going through this, but Cathy is right. I really do not believe that if he is a pathological liar that counseling will help. Counseling will give him more time to drain the bank account, lie to you and who knows what else. Plus, if you had to get a restraining order, there is the chance that he can loose it on you or you DD next time.
JMHO... DO NOT give him the opportunity. I do believe in second chances if someone is busting their azz to prove that they deserve a second chance. He blew that when he went snowmobiling, took $$$$ w/o discussing it w/you, lied to you about the car being broken down, and lied to you about the time he would be home.
You and you DD deserve so much better. If it were me, his sh!t would be outside, unpacked, scattered everywhere. I would reinstate the restraining order, get a restraining order for your DD and retain a lawyer to pursue sole custody. I would also go after his business financially to secure DD's college and other expenses. I would also make sure that daycare DOES NOT let your husband, his parents, or anyone on his side pick her up until custody is finalized.
Again, I am so sorry. You need a barracuda lawyer that is going to rip his b@lls off. If my DH did this w/all the lying, I would be besides myself.
We are here for you and again, I am sorry you are going through this.
ETA: Take all of your anger and channel it into doing the right thing for you and your DD. You will find someone else who deserves you and your DD after you dump this loser.
Message edited 2/4/2008 3:41:40 PM.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:38 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so so tremendously sorry you are going through this. What should be the most exciting first year as a mother and a family, sounds like it turned into a nightmare.
I think you know in your heart what you need to do - this is no way to live. Neither for yourself, or your daughter. I know Barb uses this example all the time, and it's very telling - if your daughter was your age, and came to you with the same problem, what would you tell her? Look deep inside and do exactly what it is that you would wish for your daughter to do in this situation. I hope that you can draw from your strength as a mother and a role model to take care of yourself and your DD.
It's hard, but taking that first step is the hardest. I've watched my neighbor go through the same thing (granted, her husband is a drug addict). She had no one to rely on - her family is out of the country, her friends are all religious, orthodox jews with whom she can't speak honestly. She reached out to DH and I and we supported her through the whole process.
9 months later and she just got her divorce, put her profile on Jdate and is just glowing.
Just remember, your life, your happiness, the path you will take - it's all YOUR choice. You can choose a better, happier life for yourself
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:39 PM |
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yankinmanc
Happy Days!
Member since 8/05 18208 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
If you think your life would be better off without him...you need to split up. Unfortunately I think a leopard doesn't change his spots. Sorry you are going through this!
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:42 PM |
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Karebaby
Precious
Member since 10/06 5304 total posts
Name:
Karyn
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I cannot even imagine how you feel right now.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:42 PM |
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hbugal
Lesigh
Member since 2/07 15928 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Im only going to offer we're here for you !!!
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:53 PM |
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Smileyd17
kids
Member since 5/05 20997 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so sorry....that is so terrible and just wanted to offer
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:55 PM |
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ckone
LIF Adult
Member since 8/06 3014 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
Posted by sadgirl08
Posted by ckone
I would like to guess that he wasn't much different while you were dating or before you had your child.
Actually, he was great until the baby arrived. He used to be a gentleman. Then it all went downhill. He started acting like he was from the movie Goodfellas. Its like a switch went off.
He's acting out to all the respoonsibility that he thought that he was ready for.........at your expense. It's unfortunate that sometimes this can happen. I was just talking to my girlfriend about - what I like to call - growing pains.
We went through a tough patch which seems to have straightened itself out. My DH is 30 also and I'm 32 - we're going on child #2 and I'm happy to see that there is a lot of improvment on his part. That's why I said to you - it's how much you can handle. I held in there but it took a lot of tears and patience. It didn't get as bad as your situtation sounds but it was close.
He does need to be commited to you and your relationship in order for things to get better. Maybe you should separate for a while and continue counseling while apart.
Also, another word of advice because I too had his family on my side - not having any family (on my side). In the end, they are his family and I saw that someone posted that daycare should not release the child to anyone on his side - I agree. Things are nice in the begining but they are his family and when it comes down to it - trust me on this - blood is thicker than water.
Message edited 2/4/2008 4:01:48 PM.
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| Posted 2/4/08 3:57 PM |
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tiki03
*************
Member since 9/05 8660 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:01 PM |
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Preguntas
it's pretty precious
Member since 1/07 3839 total posts
Name:
Lauren
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so sorry- I don't have any advice to give, but this is just terrible.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:02 PM |
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Tah-wee-ZAH
Kisses
Member since 5/05 15952 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I think, in your heart of hearts, you know what you have to do, no matter how hard it might seem right now.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:02 PM |
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with the above posters, he needs to go. Given his wreckless behavior, definitely secure your monies first though or else you may never see it again. Then go from there. I wish you all the best and pray that things get better for you. 
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:04 PM |
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Eireann
Two ladies and a gentleman!
Member since 5/05 12165 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. You've already said you need to throw him out--I agree. Both for you and for the sake of your DD who should not have to witness a scene similar to what happened two weeks ago.
I wish you all the courage and fortitude you need to get through this horrible time.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:04 PM |
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Moehick
Ready for the sun!
Member since 5/05 30339 total posts
Name:
Properly perfect™
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I am so sorry! I think you know what you have to do.....now there is someone else to think of, your DD. I hope you have the strength for the difficult path ahead and if you need anything please rely on family, friends and us Don't do this alone
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:17 PM |
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SpiceGirl
Dream big
Member since 1/06 2486 total posts
Name:
j
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I think deep down you know you need to get away from this 'relationship'. He giving you a very clear message about where you and your child stand in his life...and that is a distant 2nd to everything else, which is unacceptable.
Obviously, we only know ::::this much:::: of the story, so when I say...leave the bum, forget marriage counseling and run like hell...please take it with a grain of salt.
I agree with OP...start gathering as much info as you can about his private business...bank records, etc. Sounds like he's out of the house a lot, so that leaves plenty of time to get organized. I'd also set up a bank account that he does not know about or have access to, maybe in a family member's name. Start stashing cash on the side for when you make your exit.
My ex ran his own business, and when I finally left him, he didn't want to give me anything...even wanted to sue me for alimony because 'on the books' I made more than him.
Good luck and remember...you need to worry about yourself and your baby...that's it. I wouldn't give him a second thought. And I'd get that restraining order back, if possible.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:17 PM |
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
IMHO, I don't think marriage counseling is going to help him. At this point it's not about your marriage, it's about what's best for you and your DD. It's definitely NOT being married to him.
STEP 1 is for YOU to seek counseling. You need to remain focused and strong!!!
Even though you would LOVE or would have hoped for it to work out, you know in your heart it won't. Not only does he NOt know how to be a good husband, he doesn't know how to be a nuturing father. Maybe this will open his eyes and maybe by you leaving he will be a better father to his DD.
however it is what it is and he is the way he is and that's not going to change. YOu are the only one who can make things change. you and DD deserve better. Don't be afraid. Do it now while Dd is still very young and will adjust well. She is your #1, along with yourself.....not him or your marriage. The marriage is unhealthy so why stay in it?
IMO......you are way past seeking marriage counseling. You should just leave. He is not going to change his ways. He has a tremedous lack of respect for you. Why would you want to be married to someone like that?
You deserve the world and then some.
Please get help for yourself first. Do what your heart tells you to do.
Perhaps you can be better friends than you are partners. Don't blame yourself or feel guilty or think for one minute that you are destryoing your DD b/c her parents are divorcing. That couldn't be further from the truth. She will be just fine!!! I wish you all the best.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:20 PM |
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traceyd
Big Sister to Be!
Member since 5/05 3644 total posts
Name:
Tracey
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
After reading your first post the first thing that came into my head is to get to the bank ASAP and take out money. If you do throw him out that will be the first place he goes tomorrow.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:22 PM |
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jellybean78
:)
Member since 8/06 13103 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. IMO though I agreen with everyone...he has to go. It seems like you are more stressed out worry about his BS then you would be on your own...especially since he doesn't help u at all. It's not fair to you or you kids. Its a hard decision but one that needs to be made. His priority should be you and your kids...not going out all the time.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:26 PM |
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trnity44
I hope you stay beautiful baby
Member since 5/05 8356 total posts
Name:
Liz
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I have no advice- just wanted to give you lots and lots of hugs and prayers.
You are obviously a very strong woman. We are here for you if you need us!
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:29 PM |
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Sweets13
Bella Bambini
Member since 5/05 9300 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:34 PM |
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SuzyQ
Mama to 3!?!?!?
Member since 7/06 8069 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I'm so sorry you're going though this. The other ladies have given you excellent advice. Good luck with your next step. It sounds like you've done all you can to salvage your marriage. Just remember we are here for you whenever you need hugs or to vent.
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| Posted 2/4/08 4:43 PM |
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bayla
Love my two kiddos :)
Member since 8/06 7178 total posts
Name:
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
just wanted to give you lots o f that everything works out! I am so sorry you gave to deal with this and know that right now, you need to take care of yourself and your DD (she especially comes first above anything else). So do whats good for you and her
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| Posted 2/4/08 6:00 PM |
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smiles
Life is good!
Member since 2/06 1450 total posts
Name:
S
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I hope you are doing okay.
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| Posted 2/4/08 6:06 PM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
No NO NO
DO not let this man treat you this way. No-one deserves to be lied to and treated that way.
Im all for second chances though and it seems liek you gave him one and he failed as a husband and father again and then IMO thats it.
You deserve more as does your daughter.
PLEASE do the right thing and get yourself out of this situation.
You can find happiness but it does not sound like you will with this man.
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| Posted 2/4/08 6:29 PM |
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smdl
I love Gary too..on a plate!
Member since 5/06 32461 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Anonymous.... mother needs help....
I have some "thoughts" that come to mind.
Yes you have to get rid of him. Sorry for the way I put it.
BUT... this is also what you need to do first BEFORE you say anything more to him.
- Open another bank immediatelly on your name only. Keep the info secret.
- Take the money you need out of the joint account (trust me.... he is going to wipe it out in the minutes that you mention the word "divorce"!). So do yourself a favor and put most of it in YOUR new account that he cannot touch.
- Get a backup plan if things get "violent" or "heated". Where to go live (parents, friends), etc..., have your purse and keys ready at all time as well as a bag for DC on your way out.
- With the "backup plan", have all official papers you might need also. Get yourself a safe at a bank and put your SS card, birth certificates, receipts of what you own, etc...
- Make a copy or take all receipts/statements of his expensive trips, purchases. That won't get you much but it shows a pattern. I know I am talking "divorce" but I am not sure what other option is available for you.
- If you have a file cabinet at work that you have a key to, it's a good place to keep all your "secret" info safe from him (I had to do that with my XH when I made a case again him).
He apparently has no respect for you or your DC.
Play the game with the counseling until you are ready. I know it's hard but you need to get "prepared" for it.
GL!
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| Posted 2/4/08 6:32 PM |
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