Having a bit of a hard time

I do't post about this part of my life a lot because I don't want to bring everyone down. But,mentally, I am having a hard time with the things going on in my life.
Right now, as I sit in limbo waiting to find out my fate, I want to just bounce off the walls.
The two choices?

A. Head Surgery- This surgery may or may not leave me with
-facial paralysis
-inability to eat
-inability to speak
-inability to see

OR

B. Wait for the tumor to shoot down my nerves and spread thru my entire body.

Now tell me, how am I supposed to adjust to this. How am I supposed to accept either? Ever since I got out of the hospital I have been an emotional MESS! I cry everyday and I just don't know what to do to stop it. For the first 6 months of this I was storng, positive and optimistic and last month I lost all of that.
I also feel like life robbed me! These feelings make me feel anxious ALL the time which in turn sometimes causes me to snap at the very people who are living with me, that take care of me, and that love me the most.
How can I settle down these anxious feelings and ensure that I stop being mean to those that mean the most to me?

PS
please no quotes as this will come down. TY!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I really don't know what I could possibly say to make you feel better.. but here are hugs and prayers!!







eta: your words made me soo emotional.. I wish there was something I could do!!!

Message edited 2/8/2007 12:31:21 PM.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I cannot even imagine to know what to say. I know that everyone here has commended you on being so strong through everything, and you are. You are entitled to feel anything you want to feel, and I personally do not know if I would have had your strength for as long as you have already.

It is unfair. Plain and simple. These decisions you are faced with are so incredibly unbelievable, and I cannot even imagine having to make a choice.

I am sure that those that are close to you understand where your feeling are coming from, and they are there to help in any way, even if that means taking the brunt of your anxiety during the rough times. They love you, and from your previous posts it sounds like they are willing to do whatever it takes for you.



I am sure that I am not the only one, but if I had a magic wand to make it all go away I would give it to you in a heartbeat

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

there really are no words or anything that could be said to rationalize accepting the possibilities

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I can't imagine what you are going through. I don't blame you for being angry, and I'm sure your family understands.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Life IS unfair, and it HAS been unfair to you, there's no getting around that. I think the most important thing is to be easier on yourself. You're going through something most people wouldn't be able to handle mentally, by any means. It is completely and TOTALLY expected that you cry everyday and unexpectedly, and that you snap at the ones you love. Hell, I snap at DH during times that are much MUCH less stressful. It's normal and expected, so try not to be so hard on yourself. It's OK not to be optimistic all the time - sometimes that's how we get through the worst of times - to allow ourselves to feel that fear and that depression and work through it in all its glory. It's the beauty of being human...

As for how to deal with it - I think talking is the best. Talk to people on here, write in a journal, talk to your friends, to your family. And to the people you're snapping at, those are the ones you really should talk to. Let it all out, alllllll out, sob, cry, scream, talk, whatever you need to do to help you through this. Maybe even try to join a support group with other people who are going through something similar? I know it always helps me to talk to someone who can understand, and let's be honest, there aren't a lot of people out there who can truly, truly understand the mix of emotions you're going through right now.

I don't know what you are going through - I'll never know unless I'm there, but I know that you have proven to be one incredibly strong and powerful woman, and I know you'll find the strength to get through this

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I have no advice either. It sucks, plain and simpe and its comletely unfair.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

There is not one person that would begrudge you the anger you feel over this. It isn't fair - it's a raw deal. It's only natural that it would come out sideways - particularly those who are closest to you. God knows you need to be nice to the nurses.

I can tell you that they probably understand when you're snapping at them.

I think you just need to say just what you've posted...that the anxiety is getting to you & that you're having a hard time.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I wish there was some easy and non-patronizing advice I could offer, but I'm at a loss. My heart hurts for you and your family!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

First off I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It is so tough and I can't imagine the scariness of it all. As far as choosing-I would definitely say #1. Are you having this surgery done in FL? Did you find the BEST neurosugeon to do it? If so, put faith in your Dr and a higher power. It is really beyond your control.

Think about this. Remember those two little boys who were conjoined and had to be separated. They were connected at the head right? These were babies and they went through a "similar" surgery to you. You are an adult and your are strong. You can get through this! Just try(I know this is hard to do) to stay positive and put faith in your medical team. Good luck. I will be thinking of you and hoping for a safe recovery!!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I wish I had advice. You are in everyone's prayers. You are strong and will beat this. I just know it!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I'm so sorry you feel that way Deb. I can't even begin to fathum what you're going through.

Have you considered joining a support group? Maybe even an online group. My mother is a 2-time breast cancer survivor and to this day she still finds strength from her group. It's wonderful that you have so many people around you who love you and are there for you, but there's something to be said about making a connection with people who are actually dealing with exactly the same things you are. Worth a shot...

Many many prayers to you and your family!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I am so sorry that you are going through this, Deb, and I know there is nothing we can say or do to take your pain away or make this time easier for you.

I so admire your bravery, your spirit, your strength.

Sometimes life just plain stinks and what you are dealing with is a clear example. You don't deserve this, and it's okay to let yourself feel that and wallow in it for awhile. You are entitled. Feel it, own it, and be...

Continued love and prayers

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Posted by MsMBV

I cannot even imagine to know what to say. I know that everyone here has commended you on being so strong through everything, and you are. You are entitled to feel anything you want to feel, and I personally do not know if I would have had your strength for as long as you have already.

It is unfair. Plain and simple. These decisions you are faced with are so incredibly unbelievable, and I cannot even imagine having to make a choice.

I am sure that those that are close to you understand where your feeling are coming from, and they are there to help in any way, even if that means taking the brunt of your anxiety during the rough times. They love you, and from your previous posts it sounds like they are willing to do whatever it takes for you.



I am sure that I am not the only one, but if I had a magic wand to make it all go away I would give it to you in a heartbeat

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Thank you all for you words.
I do belong to a support group and at times I think it does more harm than good. The reason I say that is because many of the members are older and say things like "AGHHHH well at least I led a FULL life" in which case I start crying hysterically because THAT is what I am being denied.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

You are completely justified in feeling the way you do. Life sucks and its unfair, thats the truth. I dont think there is much I can say besides just agreeing with you.
I know youve heard this a million times, but you are a source of strength and inspiration to many. May that knowledge guide you when making these tough decisions.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Posted by Bxgell2

Life IS unfair, and it HAS been unfair to you, there's no getting around that. I think the most important thing is to be easier on yourself. You're going through something most people wouldn't be able to handle mentally, by any means. It is completely and TOTALLY expected that you cry everyday and unexpectedly, and that you snap at the ones you love. Hell, I snap at DH during times that are much MUCH less stressful. It's normal and expected, so try not to be so hard on yourself. It's OK not to be optimistic all the time - sometimes that's how we get through the worst of times - to allow ourselves to feel that fear and that depression and work through it in all its glory. It's the beauty of being human...

As for how to deal with it - I think talking is the best. Talk to people on here, write in a journal, talk to your friends, to your family. And to the people you're snapping at, those are the ones you really should talk to. Let it all out, alllllll out, sob, cry, scream, talk, whatever you need to do to help you through this. Maybe even try to join a support group with other people who are going through something similar? I know it always helps me to talk to someone who can understand, and let's be honest, there aren't a lot of people out there who can truly, truly understand the mix of emotions you're going through right now.

I don't know what you are going through - I'll never know unless I'm there, but I know that you have proven to be one incredibly strong and powerful woman, and I know you'll find the strength to get through this

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Is there not a support group for younger folks? I cannot imagine trying to relate and share feelings with someone older.

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

continue to hang in there and never feel bad about the way you feel. you have every right to feel the emotions you do.

please make sure that you are seeing the best possible doctors and take comfort in thier abailities. keep continuing to have hope and faith...
just take things day by day.



i dont know you but your courage is so admirable. im so sorry that you have been thrown these horrible curveballs in life....you are in my prayers!!!!!!

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

OK, no groups. Have you considered a therapist for one-on-one talk and to help you with the process of decision-making? Maybe even something you and DH can do together.

Have you talked about this with your doctors? What suggestions do they have?

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

Re: Having a bit of a hard time

I don't know what to say except