Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

So I come from a VERY traditional Italian Family who are superstitious about everything.

For as long as i can remember my mother has been very strong minded about baby showers--she thinks they are bad luck and does not believe in giving gifts to the mother until after the baby is born.

I really thought this would change when she found out I was pregnant. I have mentioned "registering" for things several times in front of her and she has made the comment, "what makes you think you are having a shower"

Fast forward to this weekend. I made another comment about registering and my dad replied saying that enither of them believe in showers.

Do you think it would be tacky if I planned my own shower? I know many women who did not have a surprise shower and I wanted your thoughts.

It's not even about the gifts (I could take the $$$ I would use for the shower and buy Baby his own stuff).
Having been to a dozen of them, I see it as a right of passage and fun day to share with loved ones.

Conversely, she could also be really ****** if she knew I was planning this should I decide to go on my own and do so.

thoughts? honest ones please.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

That's a shame...I think it's a fun right of passage too & that you definitely deserve one

My bff had the same issue with her super-traditional mom & MIL & her disinterested sister, so another friend & I stepped in and threw one for her. Do you have a bff that you can talk to about this? If you're ok with funding it, maybe the 2 of you can plan & throw it together?

I think that it's becoming more acceptable to throw your own shower these days, but I'm not 100% comfortable with that for myself so I'd probably do it but ask my friend to assist by letting me use her return address & using her as my RSVP person so that no one knew that I was throwing it for myself

Message edited 6/29/2009 11:58:42 AM.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

No, I wouldn't throw one for myself, sorry.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I am Jewish and my parents don't really believe in the shower thing either. Even my DH needed didn't want to have one either for superstitious reasons. Especially since we are having a boy and we will be having a bris at 8 days old ( which is another party). Both of my sisters had one and talked me into having one. They are both so busy with their kids that I have basically been planning my own shower! The funny thing is that even though my mom is not into the whole shower thing she has decided she will buy the cake and bought the pack 'n play off my registry. She says she won't buy me anything else till the baby is born though! That being said I don't think there is anything wrong with throwing your own shower What I did agree to was to have the shower closer to my due date to make the superstitious people a bit more comfortable.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

My family is the same way , and I know it's an issue , so no I will not throw myself a shower since my DH and family feel so strongly about it. I am not worried about receiving gifts, I registered and have received a few already . I will have a bris 8 days afterwards , so I know I will get everything I need by that point. My DH and I will buy the carseat and snap n go, and my family has bought all the furniture already . I , personally, would not throw myself a shower, but I wouldn't think it was tacky if I was invited to one by a mom to be who threw her own shower. To each their own .

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Would your mother throw a party after the baby ?
Or no presents/party at all ?

If you really want it, throw one yourself ! You could list your husband as the RSVP name :)

Just because your mom is superstitous shouldn't mean you dont get to do what you want for your child.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

i would not throw myself a shower.

i knew from day one that my mother would not be giving me a shower - my family is jewish and very superstitious (i am not).

however once my MIL found out i was not having a shower she decided to throw one for me (after asking, of course!) it was so sweet and generous of her.

if i was in your shoes i would have a welcome baby party after your baby arrives a shower is nice but, IMO, not a necessity. people will get you gifts no matter that!

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

i would talk to your mom.. and say if im not having a baby shower can we have a shower after the baby comes?? my mom and i have a very open relationship and she would NOT be offended if iasked her this. beacause i agree i think a shower is an awesome day to celebrate the soon-to-be brith of your child! in your case it would be the celebration of the birth of your child! if shes against that as well.. i would prob throw my own party! and make it a celebration party not necessarily a "shower"

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I come from a Very Italian Traditional Family as well.. I had a shower my Nonna from Italy even sent us money for the shower..

I know every family is different.. do you have any younger cousins siblings or family members that could maybe talk to your parents or mom??

I would not throw your own because if your parents are that strongly about it and they are Stubborn italians like Mine.. They would Give me what a hard time... maybe not even talk to me LOL but Im very Rebellious and if i really want it i would do it and not let them talk to me until they get over it.. i pick and chose my battles with them .. I hope it all works out

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Posted by jam11308

That's a shame...I think it's a fun right of passage too & that you definitely deserve one

My bff had the same issue with her super-traditional mom & MIL & her disinterested sister, so another friend & I stepped in and threw one for her. Do you have a bff that you can talk to about this? If you're ok with funding it, maybe the 2 of you can plan & throw it together?

I think that it's becoming more acceptable to throw your own shower these days, but I'm not 100% comfortable with that for myself so I'd probably do it but ask my friend to assist by letting me use her return address & using her as my RSVP person so that no one knew that I was throwing it for myself

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I don't think it's tacky, but we both know I have no barometer for such things

that being said, a way around it is to have your friends throw you a shower.

lemme splain...

when my MOH was preggo, we started a new tradition amoungst our group.

for MANY reasons (she is uber friendly and has a ton of friends, plus her family and their circle of attendees is huge) we decided to throw her TWO showers.

one was a "friends" shower and I was in charge of that. she registered, and I sent out invites to ALL of her friends. It was at a bar/restaurant that we love in Astoria on a thursday night. open bar.

she got gifts for herself and the baby and we all had a great time.

her mom threw her a more traditional shower two weeks later at a restaurant and invited everyone she wanted to.

there were a few people (young family and/or very close friends) who were invited to and attended both showers, but that was about it.

your mom certainly can't get angry or upset if your friends (or anyone in Jim's family) wanted to throw you a shower.

it's their celebration and their baby too!!!

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I probably wouldn't throw my own, but I would help my friends/family/DH throw one for me.

Maybe DH can talk to his mother/sister or your friends to see if there is someone who wanted to put something together for you guys?

Unless there was no one to help out, I wouldn't skip a shower on account of your parent's superstitions unless you had the same superstitions.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Posted by bellaro

I come from a Very Italian Traditional Family as well.. I had a shower my Nonna from Italy even sent us money for the shower..

I know every family is different.. do you have any younger cousins siblings or family members that could maybe talk to your parents or mom??

I would not throw your own because if your parents are that strongly about it and they are Stubborn italians like Mine.. They would Give me what a hard time... maybe not even talk to me LOL but Im very Rebellious and if i really want it i would do it and not let them talk to me until they get over it.. i pick and chose my battles with them .. I hope it all works out

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I think that it's very important to maintain a good relationship with your mother right now because you are really going to need her. I also think that your mother should respect your wishes, and if a baby shower is important to you, she should accept that. If she doesn't want to throw you a baby shower, then throw yourself one, but just make sure she understands that this decision is about you and it's not meant to upset her.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I wouldn't throw your own shower. My mom was the exact same way about showers and baby stuff. I seriously heard all my life that she didn't like the idea of showers and that you should never bring anything into your house until they are born. I was the first born and my furniture delivered after I was born.

She has come around now that I am pregnant and probably came around before then.

You think maybe your shower is a surprise and she is just saying that? Is that a possibility??

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I wouldn't throw myself a shower, but as others have suggested I would ask a close friend or one of my in-laws. My mother isn't throwing my shower and, for similar superstitious reasons, won't buy the baby any personal items (clothes, toys) until her arrival. She's been telling me for years that she can't throw me my baby shower, so I never even bothered to ask her to.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Not preggo yet just lurking. My mom is the same way I totally get it. MIL is complete opposite. I don't know but let us know how she reacts if you do, it will be a foreshadow for me. Good luck.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

My best friend had the same issue with her IL's. Her mom wanted to give her a shower, but didn't want to step on her IL's toes.

So we eliminated the issue by throwing her a shower ourselves, as her close friends. I called her IL's and explained that I absolutely HAD to throw her a "low-key" shower because she helped organize mine. I know they weren't thrilled at first, but it's not like they could tell me, as a friend, no.

And in the end, they came and had a fabulous time. But I made sure to keep it very non-shower like - invited couples, no favors, no games, more like a BBQ. And NO opening gifts at the party.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

My mom also didn't want me to have one because of superstition but I really wanted one so DH paid for it (both of us did) and my SIL and I planned it.

My mom did wind up getting into it especially when it came time to invite people and wound up having a good time. She has a shaky employment situation and I wouldn't have wanted her to pay anything anyway.

I don't think there is anything wrong with planning your own shower.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

Can friends or your IL's plan it, with your input and you financing it?

Or, if you don't care what people think, plan it yourself! If you are okay with that, then I don't see why not. Showers are about celebrating you and your future baby, not about presents.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

And you're totally sure that she's definitely not throwing you one? My luck, if this were to happen to me, I would throw my own shower and then feel like an idiot because my mother was just calling my bluff. Maybe she has a few tricks up her sleeve?

I probably wouldn't throw my own shower, but I would still register because you can get your items discounted before you give birth.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I agree with you and think it is a celebration and not all about the gifts.

Due to location differences *my parents in NY and his parents in IN*, DH and I have opted to throw our own shower. WE ARE HAVING AN ABSOLUTE BLAST! We are keeping it under 500 bucks for location and all of the extras have cost perhaps an extra 200 bucks. Like I said....we are having so much fun with it.

We are traveling to IN this weekend for a small baby shower with family that can't make it to the SC one.

I have enjoyed being a part of the planning and people have offered to help us so much.

Good Luck! Let me know if you need any ideas!

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

I wouldn't throw myself a shower... I would, however, register for gifts and let people know if they were to ask where I am registered. This way you don't get stuff you don't need, duplicates, etc... and then have to return stuff later on.

I understand where your mother and father are coming from, but I also sympathize with you as well. It's a change in the tradition/culture that presents the problem... Have you sat down with your parents and discussed this with them? Maybe if you present your "case" to them, it would help them see where you are coming from.

But one question, are you absolutely positive that your mother is not throwing you a shower and being difficult just to throw you off?? My mother does that cr@p all the time.


Another option is to mention this to close friends and/or relatives and see if they'd be willing to help you out in planning one, just like a PP.

Re: Question: sort of personal will take soon. Shower related--would like your thoughts

We are Jewish, and having a shower was never even a thought in my head - it just isn't done. We aren't orthodox- we are very reform, but I respect the culture and history, and won't do it. There are times I wish I could have one, but its OK. My sister registered, and people bought her things, even though she did not have a shower. She also had a boy so there was a bris soon after the birth. If its a girl, the baby naming is the big party.

I wouldn't plan my own. If it really upsets you, I'd tell a close friend. Maybe she can plan a small, friends-only shower, so it wouldn't offend your family.

Remember the important thing - you are having a baby! That is what's important. The shower in, my opinion, isn't that important in the long run. This kind of reminds me of wedding planning - at the end of it all, you are married, and nobody remembers if your centerpieces were perfect....