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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
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To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
My DH when I was pregnant with my first HOUNDED me to find out what the sex of the baby was. He would come to the appointments and bribe the sono tech and crack jokes and try to squeeze it out of her to the point that he was becoming annoying. So much so that I wasnt going to even tell him the next appointment bc he was being so relentless.
My response: After going through IF for so many years whatever God gives us we will be happy with. I dont care, I dont need to "prepare." Since I dont like pink/blue I wanted everything to be beige/white/neutral colors anyway and then once the baby was born we can add a splash of color. Plus with my HORRIBLE pregnancy it was the one thing that kept me going and kept it exciting for me and everyone else (baby pools, guessing games, all the old wise tales, etc.)
SO, just to shut him up at an appointment...(becasue he was becoming unbearable again) I said "Enough already, we are NOT finding out no matter how much you push, if you stop we will find out what the next baby is.
Well, here is my dilema...since I didnt really think there would be a "next baby" saying that at the time worked and he didnt push or even ask again. BUT now the next baby is here...(miracels at their best)...and now he is counting down the days to find out. I HAVE NO INTENTION of finding out what this baby is either or the next (godwilling). I told him this and now he is PISSED! He said Im breaking a promise I made (which I NEVER promised, pinky sweared, nothing) it was a comment to SHTFU :)
IF I knew he would be able to keep a secret I wouldnt have a problem with him finding out and not telling anyone but I KNOW FOR SURE it will burn a hole in him and he will have to say it to someone, none the less, Im sure he will slip.
WTF do I do? I was thinking about just having the sono tech write in an envelope "wasn't able to tell due to the position of the baby" and seal it and Ill give it to him---that way he at least thinks I tried and I wouldnt know the difference. (sneaky, i know) but I REALLY DONT WANT TO FIND OUT!!!! It was THE BEST experience of my life not knowing and I want that thrill again in the worst way.
 
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Posted 7/24/12 12:23 PM  |
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cateyemm
Twins!
Member since 7/10 8027 total posts
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
It sounds like he's really excited about it. Is there any way you'd be willing to compromise by making a big deal out of finding out? You could do a gender reveal party and make a big deal out of it so that he can find out and you can still get your big surprise, just a little bit earlier.
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| Posted 7/24/12 1:10 PM |
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moonmist09
Thank you, St. Gerard!
Member since 2/11 5043 total posts
Name:
Antonella
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To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
yikes...this is a tough one. i think it would be sneaky to have the sono tech lie about the position the baby is in and having the sono tech do this at every single sono appointment might be tricky - you would have to rely on them to remember to do this and actually go through with it.
If you really don't want to know that bad, stand your ground and not find out. As long as one parent at the sono doesn't want to know, they will not tell you, if your both undecided. Let him get upset, he'll find out a couple of months later anyway
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| Posted 7/24/12 4:22 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
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Jib
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by cateyemm
It sounds like he's really excited about it. Is there any way you'd be willing to compromise by making a big deal out of finding out? You could do a gender reveal party and make a big deal out of it so that he can find out and you can still get your big surprise, just a little bit earlier.
I was going to say this too ...
Although, I really feel for your dh because I'm just as impatient to find out! 
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| Posted 7/24/12 6:57 PM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
If it wasnt such an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL experience waiting the first time I would consider finding out. BUT---HANDS DOWN, anyone who waited to find out will tell you it was the most incredible feeling that day when the doctor holds up the baby and says "Congrats its a...."
There are SO VERY FEW surprises in life...engagement (maybe) and finding out what your baby is going to be...I just cant find a good enough reason to comprimise or to cave...his reason for finding out it "I just want to know" thats not a good enough reason for me...
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| Posted 7/24/12 9:13 PM |
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cateyemm
Twins!
Member since 7/10 8027 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Yes but you waited to find out for the first one. In my eyes, its only fair to let him make the choice this time. I couldnt wait the whole 9 months to find out, so im biased.
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| Posted 7/24/12 10:03 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Regardless of when and how, it will be an amazing surprise. I'm biased like Cate though because I'm the least patient of anyone!
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| Posted 7/24/12 10:18 PM |
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FlowerWife
Positive Vibrations...
Member since 1/08 8423 total posts
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To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
honestly i feel the same way as you, i will never ever find out unless i HAVE to for some medical reason... or maybe if it was a tie breaker or something.... luckily DH is totally on board. i honestly cannot imagine going through a pregnancy where you both didn't agree on whether to find out or not. i think this is something that has to be resolved between the two of you. there cannot be any tricks or lies, thats just bad karma. you two just have to be open and honest and work it out. either you give in because you already didnt find out for one baby, or he gives in because of how much it truly means to you.
i dont care what anyone says, i honestly cant imagine the "need to know" being more meaningful to him than the "push reward" would be for you. i think if you two are open and communicative, you will be able to make him understand - or he will be able to make you understand. one or the other. but you have a while to figure that out. good luck!
Message edited 7/24/2012 10:58:33 PM.
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| Posted 7/24/12 10:57 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
this si def tough...i kinda feel bad for him bc he went by what u wanted the first time so he is ready for his turn
we found out,we would have anyway but after being told i will be knocked out for a c section it was a no brainer
i know when u r team green u say there is no better surprise and it might be for you and that is great but for some that moment is when they find out whenever,when they do the gender reveal i do not think it take anything away
whati mean is there is no right or wrong answer or way of doing it and remember how u felt when they anounced at birth,he might feel the same at a sono appt
idk i always just say my biggest surprise si that we got and managed so far to stay pregnant,no announcement of the sex could top that
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| Posted 7/25/12 12:08 AM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by cateyemm
Yes but you waited to find out for the first one. In my eyes, its only fair to let him make the choice this time. I couldnt wait the whole 9 months to find out, so im biased.
I totally agree.
While I understand that you don't want to find out, I think that you "got your way" with your last pregnancy. I'd compromise and let your husband have his way this time and find out the gender.
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| Posted 7/25/12 10:35 AM |
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JDubs
different, not less
Member since 7/09 13160 total posts
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by NYCGirl80
Posted by cateyemm
Yes but you waited to find out for the first one. In my eyes, its only fair to let him make the choice this time. I couldnt wait the whole 9 months to find out, so im biased.
I totally agree.
While I understand that you don't want to find out, I think that you "got your way" with your last pregnancy. I'd compromise and let your husband have his way this time and find out the gender.
ITA
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| Posted 7/25/12 1:25 PM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
UGHHHHHH, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your supposed to be on my side......lol...
We are very open and honest with each other but this is just something we disagree on and Im not willing to comprimise unless I get a "good enough reason" like I NEED to find out.
I repect those who do the Gender Reveal party and/or say "its a surprise when you find out at the sono" BUT its not the same--totally different.
I guess we will just have to wait it out and hope there is a calm after the storm. LOL...
xoxoxo thanks for the opinions, it has made me think :)
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| Posted 7/26/12 8:54 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
crashing 
with #1 - I wanted to find out, he did not. We compromised. If we found out with #1, he got to make the decision with #2 (god willing.)
Now that I am pregnant with #2, I set myself up to be team green. DH then drops the bomb that he DOES want to find out. A deal is a deal, we will find out if he wants to.
Compromise, compromise, compromise  . Most importantly, there is a baby, baking away. Would it really be the end of the world if you found out?
What are your reasons, what are his reasons?
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| Posted 7/30/12 9:21 AM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by maymama
crashing
with #1 - I wanted to find out, he did not. We compromised. If we found out with #1, he got to make the decision with #2 (god willing.)
Now that I am pregnant with #2, I set myself up to be team green. DH then drops the bomb that he DOES want to find out. A deal is a deal, we will find out if he wants to.
Compromise, compromise, compromise . Most importantly, there is a baby, baking away. Would it really be the end of the world if you found out?
What are your reasons, what are his reasons?
See, i dont feel I was really a "deal" since I just said it to shut him up...
My reason: After 5 years of IF and all the ups and downs and praying to God to please bless us with a healthy baby...when it FINALLY happened I felt like "well, WHATEVER CHILD GOD GAVE US, regardless of sex, as long as it is healthy---our prayers were answered...it didnt matter if it was a heathly monkey--it was OURS..." there is NOTHING we can do to "prepare" bc realistically a room can be painted and bedding can be bought and set up in a weekend...besides the baby is in our room for the first few months anyway...additionally, I felt like I was "playing God" by doing IVF even though it was our only option at this point and what had to be done in order to have a baby...i wasnt going to push my luck by finding out just "because I can"...
His reason: becuase I just want to know. (he has no patience)
BTW: We already have EVERYTHING for a boy and almost everything if we have a girl...we are"neutral" people when it comes to decorating and infant clothing and i have 2 bins of girl clothes from newborn-12months should I have a girl from my girlfriends...
the only reason to know is to know and I dont want to know...LOL
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| Posted 7/30/12 1:12 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by maymama
crashing
with #1 - I wanted to find out, he did not. We compromised. If we found out with #1, he got to make the decision with #2 (god willing.)
Now that I am pregnant with #2, I set myself up to be team green. DH then drops the bomb that he DOES want to find out. A deal is a deal, we will find out if he wants to.
Compromise, compromise, compromise . Most importantly, there is a baby, baking away. Would it really be the end of the world if you found out?
What are your reasons, what are his reasons?
See, i dont feel I was really a "deal" since I just said it to shut him up...
My reason: After 5 years of IF and all the ups and downs and praying to God to please bless us with a healthy baby...when it FINALLY happened I felt like "well, WHATEVER CHILD GOD GAVE US, regardless of sex, as long as it is healthy---our prayers were answered...it didnt matter if it was a heathly monkey--it was OURS..." there is NOTHING we can do to "prepare" bc realistically a room can be painted and bedding can be bought and set up in a weekend...besides the baby is in our room for the first few months anyway...additionally, I felt like I was "playing God" by doing IVF even though it was our only option at this point and what had to be done in order to have a baby...i wasnt going to push my luck by finding out just "because I can"...
His reason: becuase I just want to know. (he has no patience)
BTW: We already have EVERYTHING for a boy and almost everything if we have a girl...we are"neutral" people when it comes to decorating and infant clothing and i have 2 bins of girl clothes from newborn-12months should I have a girl from my girlfriends...
the only reason to know is to know and I dont want to know...LOL
i get it, 100% but I am going to be brutally honest   ... if DH told me something just to shut me up and then renegged, I would be PISSED!
It is absolutely between you two but in this case, I think you have to let him make a decision. It must be so hard for them (men) in this process. They have to sit back and just go along with everything. He doesnt get to experience kicks or carrying the baby for 9+ months! Maybe this is his way of connecting? There is an aspect of preparing psychologically!
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| Posted 7/30/12 2:51 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by maymama
It is absolutely between you two but in this case, I think you have to let him make a decision. It must be so hard for them (men) in this process. They have to sit back and just go along with everything. He doesnt get to experience kicks or carrying the baby for 9+ months! Maybe this is his way of connecting? There is an aspect of preparing psychologically!
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
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| Posted 7/30/12 10:22 PM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by PennyCat
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
ugh you girls are killing me...
im just so scared he is going to slip or tell someone...
then what? my surprised will be ruined --- 
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| Posted 7/31/12 11:06 PM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by PennyCat
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
ugh you girls are killing me...
im just so scared he is going to slip or tell someone...
then what? my surprised will be ruined ---
what about not telling anyone the name before the birth but letting the sex be known? I think we are going to do this this time around since I want some element of surprise. Everyone will know the sex but will be dying to know the name and then you can still have that moment to announce!!!
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| Posted 8/1/12 9:41 AM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by maymama
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by PennyCat
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
ugh you girls are killing me...
im just so scared he is going to slip or tell someone...
then what? my surprised will be ruined ---
what about not telling anyone the name before the birth but letting the sex be known? I think we are going to do this this time around since I want some element of surprise. Everyone will know the sex but will be dying to know the name and then you can still have that moment to announce!!!
I'm terrible.. People already know our names!!  and we don't even have a pregnant surrogate yet! The only way our names will change is if it's twins. (there's a story behind that..)
Sorry to derail from the OP  Julie, just let the guy know the gender..... and then tell him he has US to thank!
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| Posted 8/1/12 11:35 AM |
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Bearcat
Love my little girls!!! <3
Member since 6/10 10818 total posts
Name:
E
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Crashing... I'm on your side here - I did the SAME EXACT THING, lol!!! Promises of "we can find out next time."
Fortunately (from the perspective of my desire to be perpetually team green), I had a crappy birth experience, had GD and was induced and ultimately had a c/s. I was upset, crying, exhausted and the one thing that kept me going was finding out what that little green baby was.
Now my argument is that since I will have a repeat c/s next time (god willing), nothing will be a surprise. We will know what day the baby will be born. I NEED that gender surprise. And you know what? My DH actually said to me the other night, "I think for the next one I want to be team green - that was a really awesome surprise"
If I were you I'd really reiterate to him how much it means to you to have it be a surprise.
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| Posted 8/1/12 11:54 AM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by PennyCat
Posted by maymama
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by PennyCat
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
ugh you girls are killing me...
im just so scared he is going to slip or tell someone...
then what? my surprised will be ruined ---
what about not telling anyone the name before the birth but letting the sex be known? I think we are going to do this this time around since I want some element of surprise. Everyone will know the sex but will be dying to know the name and then you can still have that moment to announce!!!
I'm terrible.. People already know our names!! and we don't even have a pregnant surrogate yet! The only way our names will change is if it's twins. (there's a story behind that..)
Sorry to derail from the OP Julie, just let the guy know the gender..... and then tell him he has US to thank!
Finind out the gender and keeping the name a secret does NOT give the same element of surprise as finding out the baby on the day he/she is born. I apologize, I completely disagree...
After all the months of TTC, I AM the one who has to monitor, calendar my cycles, take my temperatures, log them on a chart, pee on sticks 2x/d for OPK, schedule sex, do all the work (hahahaha) JK but funny, then stress for 2ww, test again, get emotional when its a BFN (he does too but not like me)...go to 1,000's of dr. visits, get blood every other day, sonos 3x/week, HSG test, injections--injections---injections 6 needles a day in MY BODY, 11 IUI's, 3 fresh IVF cycles, ER's ET's, deal with insurance companies, then get a BFP carry a baby for 9 months (high risk/bed rest, PLACENTA ACCRETA, take more meds, deal with the nasty Progesterone shit, moring sickness (not this time around thank god) , watch my diet, rest relax while taking care of a 2 year old and then MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY FOR A C-Section (first time lost 6 pts. of blood, partial hysteroctomy due to accreta which almost influtrated my bladder, almost died) 250 internal stitches from a classical c-section and 50 staples externally..EBF, etc, etc. etc. (there is more but you get the point)
....and you want to find out "just becasue"
I DONT WANT TO KNOW "becuase of everything listed above and the fact that I DID ALL THAT to get pregnant, stay pregnant and give you a healthy baby
I didnt WANT to have to do all this for 5 years to have a baby...none of us WANT to have to do this, we want to have a fun night in bed and get pregnant like the rest of the 17 year olds who cant afford it (jk)
So....if I want to have a surprise since EVERYTHING I have been through was to give us a healthy baby then I dont think that is too much to ask for...
NOW is anyone seeing my point????  
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| Posted 8/2/12 10:36 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by PennyCat
Posted by maymama
Posted by JulieLO
Posted by PennyCat
This is why I'm finding out! I feel like a husband in this case since I'm not the one carrying and knowing the gender will help me to bond. I can't wait to find out!
Sorry .. I know I posted earlier.. but I still side with your dh!!
ugh you girls are killing me...
im just so scared he is going to slip or tell someone...
then what? my surprised will be ruined ---
what about not telling anyone the name before the birth but letting the sex be known? I think we are going to do this this time around since I want some element of surprise. Everyone will know the sex but will be dying to know the name and then you can still have that moment to announce!!!
I'm terrible.. People already know our names!! and we don't even have a pregnant surrogate yet! The only way our names will change is if it's twins. (there's a story behind that..)
Sorry to derail from the OP Julie, just let the guy know the gender..... and then tell him he has US to thank!
Finind out the gender and keeping the name a secret does NOT give the same element of surprise as finding out the baby on the day he/she is born. I apologize, I completely disagree...
After all the months of TTC, I AM the one who has to monitor, calendar my cycles, take my temperatures, log them on a chart, pee on sticks 2x/d for OPK, schedule sex, do all the work (hahahaha) JK but funny, then stress for 2ww, test again, get emotional when its a BFN (he does too but not like me)...go to 1,000's of dr. visits, get blood every other day, sonos 3x/week, HSG test, injections--injections---injections 6 needles a day in MY BODY, 11 IUI's, 3 fresh IVF cycles, ER's ET's, deal with insurance companies, then get a BFP carry a baby for 9 months (high risk/bed rest, PLACENTA ACCRETA, take more meds, deal with the nasty Progesterone shit, moring sickness (not this time around thank god) , watch my diet, rest relax while taking care of a 2 year old and then MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY FOR A C-Section (first time lost 6 pts. of blood, partial hysteroctomy due to accreta which almost influtrated my bladder, almost died) 250 internal stitches from a classical c-section and 50 staples externally..EBF, etc, etc. etc. (there is more but you get the point)
....and you want to find out "just becasue"
I DONT WANT TO KNOW "becuase of everything listed above and the fact that I DID ALL THAT to get pregnant, stay pregnant and give you a healthy baby
I didnt WANT to have to do all this for 5 years to have a baby...none of us WANT to have to do this, we want to have a fun night in bed and get pregnant like the rest of the 17 year olds who cant afford it (jk)
So....if I want to have a surprise since EVERYTHING I have been through was to give us a healthy baby then I dont think that is too much to ask for...
NOW is anyone seeing my point????
wow! seems like nothing, no matter what will change your mind. I think you made your decision
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| Posted 8/2/12 12:04 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
i have no idea why u r asking us lol..u have def made ur mind up
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| Posted 8/2/12 11:42 PM |
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FlowerWife
Positive Vibrations...
Member since 1/08 8423 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by gina409
i have no idea why u r asking us lol..u have def made ur mind up
LOL ITA!!!!
although i do totally agree with you since im a team  girl and i can't see myself ever not being team .
with my pregnancy at first DH wasn't totally on board but it took very little for me to convince him. then while i was pregnant he loved it. we never did get our "its a girl" moment because of my emergency birth and being under general and him not being in the room and then the baby going to the NICU. so he is 10000% on board for team again next time around (hopefully theres a next time ). although i think he loved it so much that we might be team always even if we go beyond two babies.
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| Posted 8/3/12 10:18 AM |
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JulieLO
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/11 669 total posts
Name:
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Re: To find out/or not to find out...WWYD? Serious
Posted by gina409
i have no idea why u r asking us lol..u have def made ur mind up
LOL...
I was asking bc I really wanted to hear as to why people want to find out and maybe justify it???
Maybe I asked bc I also wanted to hear who else was team green and their reasons?
It actually made me think A LOT more as to why this is so important to me (my AP) and sitting down and writing it out made me feel even more strongly about it...
I actually thought when I posted this that I could possibly change my mind in DH's favor...
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| Posted 8/3/12 10:47 AM |
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