What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

We are Catholic, I was raised with a VERY Catholic upbringing and to this day my parents are still very involved in the church. My mom is a lector, my parents teach pre-cana, my mom was a religion teacher growing up. Fast forward to my adult life, we are holiday Catholics. Other than Church on the major holidays, and I mean major, we don't do Ash Weds, Good Friday, Palm Sunday, etc. We don't pray, we don't say Grace and there is virtually no mention of God or Jesus in our home.

Our children have all been baptized, however. Recently, we started attending a great, non-denominational Christian Church though. It is so much more "us", I can relate more. I have a personal connection to God and Jesus, and I believe what I was taught but I have no connection to the Catholic Church, per se, it just seems I was never a good fit for the Church itself.

The issue I am having trouble reconciling is that if we continue down this path, of the Christian Church, my children will not receive Communion, or make their confirmation. They won't be able to marry in a Church. I guess it is the traditions I grew up with being Catholic, that I cannot imagine my children not receiving (and my mother/grandmother will DIE).

However, on the flip side, my thought is, is it worth it for the sake of tradition and guilt (not the lack of belief) to continue down the path of the Catholic church so my children can do all of these things but otherwise have a life with virtually no religion in the home....OR is it better to give up the Catholic traditions for a life in a Church that my DH and I connect more with and have God (minus the Catholic rites) as a daily part of their lives even though its not in the Church I grew up in and still connect with on some level?

What would you do? Could you imagine if your children didn't receive the same "rites" you and everyone in your family FOREVER have received? would you be OK with that? Could you do it?

I guess what I am asking is do you forsake your traditions and rites, and specific religion for one more suitable to you as you are now. Do you let go of tradition and a lack of God in the home for a daily presence of God in the home without the rites? I am having SUCH guilt over this!

Message edited 3/31/2013 9:45:55 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I think that's why they call it Catholic guilt!

My family is holiday Catholics. DH's family had a priest in the family, so they are a bit more religious. We were planning on getting DS baptized in a Lutheran church (my brother wasn't married in a church and our church had issue with him being godfather because of it) and we were met with some resistance (DH's family only, even my grandmother said go for it which I was shocked by!). We wound up getting him baptized at a Catholic Church, but I feel like we're doing it more out of tradition than devotion to our religion.

For me, I would rather be connected to my religion than just do sacraments out of obligation. I cringe at the thought of DS not making sacraments, but at the same time I would want to feel a strong connection to my religion and lead by that example for my children.

Message edited 3/31/2013 9:54:34 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I struggle with this as well. I don't want to shove certain teachings that i don't agree with down my sons throat simply for the sake of not breaking from tradition and getting his sacraments...but i know I will face judgement from both of our families...even from my own DH.

What I can contribute to the conversation is that while my family is catholic my mother only had me baptized and never had me get my other sacraments. So, when I chose to get married in my husbands family catholic church i had to go through the RCIA program. I didn't resent my mom for not doing it. In fact...I appreciated it even more so as an adult because I was able to understand the lessons alot more and apply them to my own life. I was able to form my own views rather than have it force fed.

Whatever you choose will be fine...but if you choose not to go the RC way...don't feel guilty! raising your children with spirituality and closeness to god doesn't mean you need to follow the same map to get there as everyone else. Your children can know god and form a relationship with god without a piece of paper or ritual.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I am confused as to why you say you would not have God or Jesus in your home if you continued in the Catholic Church, yet you would if you went to the other church? Don't all Christians believe in Jesus and the same God? I am just not sure why it has to be one way or the other?

Message edited 3/31/2013 10:01:40 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Message edited 3/31/2013 10:06:13 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I do not believe in doing things just for traditions sake. I was raised catholic but will not raise my children catholic since I do not believe/connect with the religion. Do what means something to you.

What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I grew up with a Jewish father and Catholic mother. My father went to Hebrew school and had a bar mitzvah. My mom went to catholic school and was christened, had communion, was confirmed. Growing up, my sister and I weren't taught much about religion. We celebrated holidays and we did go to Sunday school in a non-catholic church but my dad wanted us out before they got to the New Testament. I knew from an early age that organized religion wasn't for me. I told DH that if we have children, I would not want them raised religiously. He's fine with that bc he feels the same way about organized religion. We do most holidays with our families but its more of a GTG than a religious celebration - no praying, grace, etc.

My parents do not feel any regret about raising us the way they did. However, my mom does get annoyed when I share my feelings about religion lol.

My sister recently started going to church ( Catholic) and is talking about getting baptized but its hard to tell if she's serious or just trying to get a reaction.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I am not Catholic, but you children should be able to become baptized and take communion at that church. They probably won't do it until they are old enough to decide to dedicate their lives to following Christ. you should talk to the minister about it.

I was raised in a non-denominational type church but now attend a Lutheran church, and in doing so have given up some of the things that are important to me and do some things that I don't feel get me closer to God (like the recitations? responses? I call them chants... even the prayer is one!). I fell more disconnected in this church than I have in any church I have attended. DH wanted our son to get baptized when he was a baby, that is ok as long as he make the decision to get baptized later. But seeing young kids taking communion and drinking wine will never sit right with me, and expect a fight when DS gets old enough to start going into those classes and such.

ah, didn't mean to go off. But anyway I think you need to decide what is right for your family and do it. Try not to feel too guilty - you are still worshiping God but just in a different way. It is still god be glad that DH is on the same page as you! Makes it easier, really!

And it is kinda sad to me that there is a religion that has so much guilt attached to it I don't feel guilty for going to a different type of church than I grew up in.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

There is a church for everyone! I left the Catholic Church as an adult with very involved parents so we have very similar situations. My mom still attends mass every.single.day.

I left after my daughter received communion and asked me if she still had to continue going to church....she absolutely felt no connection and the religious eduction was not engaging for her. Or me.

My friend attended a very community/family based Christian church and I had been there for events before. We began attending there and for the first time in my life I began enjoying church. It's not just about the service but the family fellowship/friendships that are present. There is a real connection that we never experienced in the RC church. The music is uplifting and the message relevant. It's a completely different experience.

Anyway, my parents are christians with a deep catholic faith. They get it- I mean really how can anyone really judge another over a choice to attend another church. What would Jesus say? He'd likely be glad that you feel personally connected to him at your new church.

Good luck! Is your new church perhaps Tru North?

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Since it seems like it is bothering you, i would sit down and figure out what it is about the Catholic church that you don't identify with. Is it a particular church, a priest, the rules etc...and then go from there. Having been raised Catholic i think there are lots of ways you can bring God into your home and everyday life. For me personally i could not imagine dd not making her communion etc. But i feel a strong connection to the church.
I've been to other church services and i know what you mean...they are like motivational speeches, and you feel empowered coming out, which is a wonderful feeling. As long as you bring belief in God to your children and spirituality , i am sure they will do wonderful!

What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Release the guilt.

In fact, I think what you've done is very interesting and shows an open mind......you kind of strayed a bit and found a new section that you feel more comfortable with for yourself. I think that shows great growth. Who is to say you HAVE to stay with one belief forever, KWIM?

I truly think religion should be flexible. a little background on me, kind of like your situation:

my mom was raised RC.......did all the stuff - confessional, etc.
My dad didn't have much but was raised Lutheran

When I grew up, I only was baptised and that was it. My mom sat me down one day and asked if I wanted to do some form of religion classes. At this point, she had discovered she wasn't much of a follower of Catholicism anymore. She kind of laid out a few different religions and explained them all and I kind of liked the Lutheran religion. I then joined a Sunday School that focused on being Lutheran. I did quit, eventually.

All that being said..........I've explored so many different religions and practices and I really think it's because no one hammered any single one into my head as the only way. I do not feel any sense of loss or being sad at not having any one connection to a specific religion.

IMO, I think people get so caught up on the title of a specific religion and identifying with it without even questioning it and teaching their kids the same, that there is then a whole loss of actually deciding which one you most identify with, KWIM? and I think that's such a crucial part of religion........you need to identify with it all on your own. It shouldn't be something decided FOR you. I know that may be an unpopular opinion, but that's my own point of view.

My parents never once told me what to do, it was all my own choice and I found my own path and found what worked for me. It's part of why I'm so open-minded I think. I will be doing the same with my own kids. My oldest went to a religious preschool and I also have Buddhas everywhere. I explain that everyone believes in different things, and you must find something that makes you happy.

Your kids will be fine whatever you decide...and they may even find their own path, too.

Message edited 3/31/2013 10:24:34 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

as far as them not being able to marry in a catholic church if you don't stick with it, who is to say that they even will want to marry in one, KWIM? maybe they find a girl who they marry who is not religious and prefers to marry on a beach, or a girl of a different religion, KWIM?

just looking ahead here.


I just don't think guilt will do you any good. You're looking out for your kids and that's good enough.

Message edited 3/31/2013 10:28:18 PM.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Nope- would never leave the Catholic Church.

Have you tried a different parish before going to a different direction? I lived in a few different cities and found that different parishes had different cultures. I grew up in a very "strict " one that I now see could be a little stodgy to a new member.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I was raised catholic and so was DH. Neither of us now consider ourselves catholic. We are methodists. Our son was baptised in the methodist church. He will go to sunday school and make communion and one day, God willing, he will marry and get married by whomever and wheverever they choose. If they want to get married in a church they can get married n a church...it just may not be a CATHOLIC one. For the record DH and I got married by a reformed catholic priest at our reception hall I think it is more important for one to believe in the religion they are going to follow (for after all, isint that want faith is to begin with?).

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

I am a Christian, I was raised in the Lutheran faith until I was old enough to choose my religion. I remained Christian but was baptized, confirmed, and received my first communion in the Methodist church. My father is a huge believer in children finding their own path. I agree, especially after seeing my husband who was raised Catholic.... he is so disconnected to his faith and blames the Catholic church for so much. We will be baptizing our son in the Methodist church but only because my husbandfeels strongly that infants need to be baptized. If I had ny way he would be able to choose which denomination to follow and be baptized then. I think you should stick with the Christian church that you feel connected to....

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Posted by MrsMessina

Posted by 2BadSoSad

Posted by OhBoyorGirl

I am confused as to why you say you would not have God or Jesus in your home if you continued in the Catholic Church, yet you would if you went to the other church? Don't all Christians believe in Jesus and the same God? I am just not sure why it has to be one way or the other?

It's more because I am not "connected" to my religion as a Catholic, I don't partake in it, and it is not part of MY daily life so it is not part of theirs. The Catholic church itself is my disconnect between the two. Since I don't participate, really, that lack of involvement carries over into the home. Whereas, in a chuch we can "connect" with, my children will go to services every Sunday and by being more connected and involved IN a church, that too would carry over into the home. Having it as a larger part of MY life other than just the beliefs, but the actual ACTIONS of participating in a church community would be much more influential.

I'm glad you posted this as its something that I've been struggling with for quite a while. DH and I were raised Catholic. His family going to church every Sunday, mine more of a holiday going family.
After we got married DH started attending a non-denominational Christian church. I figured it was all the same, but its definitely not. Over the years I've learned the church we now attend (this is our 3rd and finally seems like the "right fit" for us) is much more about your personal relationship with God as opposed to going through a priest to confess your sins, etc... For me at least.
That being said, God willing this summer we will be bringing our into the world. I am the godmother of all 4 of our siblings kids and DH is godfather to 3 of them.
I KNOW what strife it will cause if we don't baptise/christen them... And for tradition it's something I am struggling with because I always envisioned my kids having godparents. DH is totally against it because the church we attend does dedications, as there is no mention of godparents in the bible.
So basically I'm in the same boat, but at a different point I spoke with our pastor about it and he was open to doing a ceremony (not at church) for us if that's what we wanted (as well as a dedication at church). He said he would have to agree with us upon what it entailed but I am trying not to cross that bridge until we get there... It stresses me out too much. I would love to know when you make a decision, and how you came to make it. I have to think that if you believe in God in any capacity that your children establishing a relationship with Him in whatever capacity you're most comfortable is better than going through the motions for traditions sake... And maybe when the time comes I will use that as my reason...? and by you I mean it collectively not you specifically.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

Well I am a bit confused why you say they won't be able to partake in communion etc.

I am episcopal, DH was catholic, MIL is very religious.

Growing up many people felt the way you did. I grew up in a church where many people had been catholic but either felt a disconnect or wanted to remarry. They joined this church, their children then went to sunday school, did their communion there, confirmation there. It was just where they felt more connection.

If you feel a real connection with this new church and want to go, why hold on to something you don't connnect to? If this is where you are comfortable and it feels like a good fit I guess you might want to ask why you would hold onto something that I understand your family has a strong bond with but you all don't. My family is very close knit in our church, but they want us to find a place we are comfortable with.

I do believe in giving your children an option. Whatever that is, catholic, protestant, Jewish etc. It gives them choices when they are older. I guess if you don't join this church you feel a connection to because you want them to be catholic, but don't give your children the rites, will they be accepted in the catholic church later on as an adult?

My cousins went to church once or twice as children. When they grew up they were sorry that they did not have some affiliation (they live in TX where more people belong to some church). They said that it was harder on them. They want to give their kids something to give them a choice when they are older.

It is a hard choice no matter what you pick. My feeling is if you connect with a place thatbis fabulous, not everyone clicks with a church.

Re: What are your thoughts on this - children and religion

My two cents. Go where you feel you and your family belongs. You shouldn't feel guilty about anything that you feel is right for your family. Traditions are simply that... traditions. I honestly don't believe I would ever choose tradition over my relationship with God.

I am catholic and was disconnected for a long time. Four years ago we moved and went to the local church. What a difference. When we go to other churches, even ones we "loved" it's so not the same. For us this new church "fit". I do hate how people are in the church for traditions. Children who's parents drop them off to church for communion or confirmation only to never go to church once the sacrament is completed. Never made sense to me.