Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

the other night my niece was over and decided to stay for dinner. she's 7. she's over my house every day and LOVES to cook with me. she is generally a very good eater. I made tilapia, roasted sweet potatoes, and sauteed spinach.

she did NOT like the fish. but in our home, you HAVE to eat at least some of everything you are given.

we left her a small piece of fish. she ate it with like 7 helpings of the spinach to try to mask the taste (funny thought, a kid using a veggie to mask the taste of another food ) but she was playing and all this stuff.

in the end, I fed her myself the last bits of food.

I was wondering if forcing her to eat the food was somehow wrong. I didn't really think so (even when she pretended she had to throw up by spitting up the last chewed up bite into her hand. I told her she BETTER NOT throw up and that she was not sick. miraculously, she was fine after I called her on it )

in MY house growing up, we had to eat every last bit on our plates. like it or not. if we took too long or complained too much, we were hit, punished and STILL had to eat it, no matter how long we sat there.

so, long story short....do you have "rules" regarding meals and eating for children staying with you/your own children? do you make them eat what is served or do they get to pick and choose?

ETA: I didn't over stuff her at all. it was a TINY piece. and she probably would have had a piece of cake after if I let her. I know this kid and how she eats. it wasn't the QUANITY of the food that bothered her...it was just the fish

Message edited 9/23/2009 11:47:14 AM.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

They eat what they're served but if they don't want it - they starve.

We were punished too in our house - I HATED fish. Luckily my mom only made fried flounder so I'd douse it in ketchup.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

What you did totally brought back some horrific meal times I had because my Dad forced things on me exactly like you did your Niece.

I was even served what I didn't eat the next day for meals.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

I am completely against forcing a kid to eat every last bit on their plate.. I think kids' bodies know when they are hungry or not.. and to force them to eat "all" of something over rides our natural signals.

However, I DO think children should be encouraged to try different things and I only cook one meal (unless she is sick- then she can, for example, eat cereal for dinner).. if she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat and she will have to wait until the next meal. Children will NOT allow themselves to starve.

I also read that pickiness actually runs in the family. While my DH is more picky than I.. he isn't really THAT bad.. and DD is sort of the same, not picky- will pretty much eat a wide variety of foods (this past weekend had raw tuna for first time).. she also eats little neck clams (cooked)- which I think is odd for a 3 year old.

I just went into the whole thing that children need to eat more than pasta w/ butter, chicken nuggets, pizza, etc.. and it annoys me to NO end that those are the majority of selections for children at restaurants.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

With my stepson, although for the most part he is a good eater, I will force him to eat his food. Only cause i know he is not eating cause he is not in the mood for that kind of food and in two seconds I will here he is so hungry.

However, with my neice, I make sure she eats something but I dont force her. Like in your example I wouldnt have made her eat the fish but the other stuff - potatoes and spinach. Also, even though growing up we were forced to eat everything, my sister does not force her to eat so I try not to do it when she is at my house.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Posted by Phyl

What you did totally brought back some horrific meal times I had because my Dad forced things on me exactly like you did your Niece.

I was even served what I didn't eat the next day for meals.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

"this is not a diner" I heard this MANY times growing up. And yes, I have Lima beans 3 days for B, L &D. And yes, I will have the Eat what we eat or cereal rule in my house. The only person I let get away withit is my niece. She gets sick everytime she eats any meat. So I do a special meal when she stays with us.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

I grew up the exact same way you did!

SWEAR. Must be the hispanic thing

Anyways, I can tell you that I think it did help open me up to eating better, I learned to eat veggies and others things that "kids" dont eat.

I am an adult now and can say NO now and wont eat certain things I was forced to eat as a child.

Having that said, I have a DD now.
Luckily for me, she is a good eater.
I dont give her choices. What is on the dinner plate is what she gets. She dosent eat, I dont force her but she will not get her "juice" or any kind of snacks afterwards.
At 2, I have to say I think she knows this too and at least eats a little on her plate.
If shes hungry, she wouldnt need snacks.
That is MY rule

Message edited 9/23/2009 11:48:35 AM.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

The only children that eat in my house would be my own right now.....well, child, really.
But she's only 2 and a picky eater. She doesn't understand the concept of "finishing" a meal, so we don't force it. I think sometimes, forcing a child to finish all that is on their plate, or forcing them to eat something they don't like/want can cause tehm to develop eating issues, which I don't want to do.
I also think I might be a little annoyed if Lily ever came home from someone's house and told me she was forced to finish a dinner she didn't enjoy.

Growing up, we were allowed a list of 5 foods that we didn't enjoy eating. My mom would prepare dinner, and if it was one of the foods on our "list", we didn't have to eat it, but we had to make our own dinner to eat so we could sit down with the family.
I also had a gift when I was younger of knowing exactly how much to eat, so I would stop right before I was about to be full, and never overate. Sometimes, that meant there was food on my plate. But my parents understood that I was finished and if I ate any more it would be too much and cause me discomfort. (I no longer have that ability and overeat alllll the time).

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

I think she did better than most kids and at least tried it - I don't think I would've pushed it after she said she didn't like it....

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by Phyl

What you did totally brought back some horrific meal times I had because my Dad forced things on me exactly like you did your Niece.

I was even served what I didn't eat the next day for meals.

Phyl, my dad did some heinous things to me at the dinner table. please believe the scene with my niece was NOTHING like what happened with my niece the other day. I would never ever hurt her.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

We were asked to try what we were served. If we did not like a certain veggie (for me it was green beans-I had to mask those with a condiment) we were asked to eat let's say 5 pieces and we could be done.

As we got older if we didn't like a meal, then we were allowed to have a bowl of cereal-nothing else. So we always knew that we wouldn't go hungry bc we that that one choice.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Well, I grew up like a few other people mentioned. If I didn't eat it right away, I sat there until bedtime. If I still didn't eat it, I would eat it the next day - usually cold. THAT was if I didn't end up wearing it. My very first memory is my mom smashing a plate of greens in my face that I refused to eat.

HOWEVER, I believe kids should eat what they are served. I wouldn't make an alternate meal ( except for my sister's kids b/c that is how she taught them - i cant change them through one meal a week ) and I would make them finish a SMALL amount. I would keep encouraging them to finish, help them out, but once they got frustrated - I would leave it be.

I SEE first hand how hard it makes your life if your children are picky eaters. My sister's daughter is 10 and we have to bring special food for her when we go places, its ridiculous.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Generally, SS eats what we serve him and that is the end of the story. But we also let him have input (he is 5) as to what we should make for meals, so he feels like he is part of the process -- like suggesting a type of veggie or letting him choose what to put in the salad. And for certain meals he gets to make bigger choices (like cheese sandwich versus tuna sandwich, stuff like that).

SS also tries new foods. A few weeks ago I ordered a salad with blue cheese and I let him try some, and he really liked it. So then we put blue cheese on a salad for him the following week and he realized the taste was too tarte! So I wouldn't make him eat it again for a few years, when he gets older.

If a kid though has a REAL aversion to a certain food, you really should consider listening. If your niece seems to hate tilapia, you could try serving another type of fish next time. Not everyone likes tilapia. Also, some kids don't like certain foods and they can't tell you why -- happened to my sister, she hated pasta for years and she couldn't explain why. Turns out she had a food allergy!

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Posted by Phyl

I wouldn't ever think you would hurt anyone
This topic just brought up some ugly crap for me.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

I personally haven't experienced this situation yet. I think it would depend on whose child it was and whether or not I knew or was aware of what was the norm in their household.

Theoretically speaking though, if it were my child or that of one of my siblings (whom I assume would likely share my thoughts on eating food), our rule would be similar to yours-- try everything you are served, take only what you will eat (portion wise), and unless you are allergic to what is being served, you don't get a pass on eating it.

I don't know that I would have force fed her, but there definitely would not have been dessert after dinner.

What is the rule on eating in your niece's home? Is there one?

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

My mom always told us we had to have 3 bites of everything on our plate if we didn't like it or we weren't leaving the table. Any kid can stand 3 bites, I thought it was a good rule and will do it with mine.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

i don't have kids yet... but i think i would have been happy that she at least tried teh fish, and ate the spinach and potatoes. at least those are veggies, its not like she was eating candy.
in my house growing up, it was as long as you ate at least a few bites of everything to try it, that was fine.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by Phyl

I wouldn't ever think you would hurt anyone
This topic just brought up some ugly crap for me.

I know! me too, which is why I was asking.

sometimes when you have an "unorthodox" upbringing, it's hard to know when you are being too MUCH like your past or going so far to the other end that it is equally detrimental.

at least that is my deal.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

My parents just tried to encourage us to try different things. Sometimes they didn't tell us what something really was. I ate a lot of "chicken" & "steak"(actually quail, lamb, tripe, goat) lol. But, they were cool with us saying we didn't like something.

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think it's important for kids to have a good balanced diet and try different things.

I wouldn't feel bad about it.

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

I let my niece decide how much she wants to eat, I figure she knows when she's full.
If she doesn't eat much because she's being picky I remind her after dinner treats aren't always a given.

Problem with forcing a kid to try something is they'll probably associate that treatment with that food and not be willing to try it again on their own.

My mom used to give us that bs about kids starving in china so eat what's on your plate, I think now she regrets it as she blames herself from my brother being overweight

Re: Children and eating...especially if they are not your own.

When I have nieces and nephews over, they eat what we make. I don't make special meals, unless there is an allergy or something. My husbands niece is very picky-like I can have the exact food she likes, but if it is not made by her mother-in her house-she won't eat it-weird. I don't give in to that. If they don't like what I serve, they don't eat. But no snacks later.

I won't ever force a kid to eat though. I remember my mom making me eat my green beans. It did no good I guess-b/c I still hate them.