Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Gender disappointment is a very real reality and can cause short term depression. Emotions are high as it is when pregnant. I see nothing wrong with desiring a particular sex to feel a bond u felt with your mom. MAny men prefer boys and we always here men wanting a boy to play sports with. No one ever knocks or questions them. Good thing is, gender disappointment fades for most women .

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I think what youre feeling is completely normal, I have one DS and I'd love to have a DD when we try for #2 only bc I would love the experience of being a mommy to a girl but I'd also love it if I had another son bc DS would have a brother to grow up with. I joke with DH about having twins since they run in the family....he doesn't find it funny lol

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Personally- I don't understand gender disappointment one bit. I suppose it's a real thing, but I can't imagine feeling disappointed over your healthy child.

When you got pregnant, you realized the chances to have either sex were 50/50. It's not as if you did gender selection and then found out it was the opposite of what you chose, or adopted a little girl and then a boy came. Or they told you it was a girl and you gave birth to a boy. In those scenarios I can see you mourning the little girl you were 'supposed' to have.

I am not trying to be snotty about it- just trying to make you see it another way. Like the other girls said- once you hold your baby, those feelings will be gone. Start dreaming of the 3 musketeers your sons will be. DH has 2 older brothers and they are very close with eachother. And for the record, DH is closer with his mom than I am with mine.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Someone once told me that the gender of the child matters to you only before the child is born. Once they come you love them no matter what.

I am having DD#2 and I admit to being bummed since I really wanted DH to have a son - he has a great relationship with his father. That being said, I also think that same gendered siblings are more often closer relationships. Now, obviously there are the outliers who don't get along and bro/sis that are very close, but these are just generalizations.

They just told me my amniotic fluid is very high and now I am considered high risk. This changed everything for me. It really puts things into perspective when you realize that all babies/pregnancies may not be straightforward. It makes me hope and pray everyday for a healthy, beautiful DD. I don't really care anymore that she isn't a boy. I just want her to be okay!

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Posted by JennyPenny

And for the record, DH is closer with his mom than I am with mine.

Message edited 12/15/2011 12:30:23 PM.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

First of all, don't be upset with yourself - you thought you were having a girl so your feelings are normal.

I have two boys who are my life. My loves. I am pregnant again and pretty sure this is another boy. The thought of being a mommy to three boys is really an amazing one.

I am really close with my mom too (and not close with my MIL at all) but I keep telling myself that the relationship with your children is what you make of it. I could just as easily have a daughter who moves out of state, or even worse, doesn't talk to me for whatever reason.

We have zero control over what god gives us, and he gives it to us for a reason. Just know that the second you hold your little son in your arms all of your doubts will go flying out the window. My second son is my momma's boy. He's my mush. Loves me all day long. I thank god for him everyday.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I was blessed with my twins after infertility issues and several rounds of IVF.....While pregnant, I had several dreams that I was having a boy and a girl.....and I just "knew" for sure somehow....When the ultrasound showed two boys, yes, I had a feeling of disappointment because I was so sure......once my little boys were born, I couldn't imagine my life without them.

What you are feeling is completely normal. Some may have snarky comments about it, but you have to just filter out the negativity and move on. No one with a rational mind would suggest you love your child any less, regardless of the sex. I get you!....

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I felt exactly like you when I was pregnant w ds 2. I was sooooo depressed, but I knew a lot of it was my hormones . My ds is so sweet and lovable he is also opposite of ds1. I just adored his baby when he was born, I couldn't believe I had been so upset he whole pregnancy. It's true that now I will be the MIL but I will hope my sons to pick a great wifey, that's all I can do! Hopefully I will be able to have a good relationship with DIL.

As for a third, dh really wants one and I do not. So we are not in agreement about that whole thing

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I am blessed with three boys. We are done....no girls for me. We did not find out what we were having for any of the three. Part of the reason was I didn't want to be disappointed if it wasn't a girl. For the second child, I really thought it was a girl.... hoping it was a girl. But when he was born, I was disappointed for a minute - but the second I held him I had all the love in the world for him. And he is now the BIGGEST Mommy's boy.

I am close to my mom, not close to my MIL. I think it is what you make of the situation. I sometimes think about the future - wedding dress shopping, etc - but really you never know what you are going to get. It is possible to get a wonderful daughter in law one day.....but it is going to be what you make of the situation and relationships.

Just think of those two little boys playing superheros together.....it melts my heart everytime!

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Posted by Tina1117

Posted by JennZ

You should just be happy the baby is healthy.

I think she was just getting something off her chest which is a completely normal feeling. And from what I've read she is happy the baby is healthy

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I only have one but I was convinced DS was going to be a girl. At first I was disappointed, maybe it was the hormones or maybe it was just because my "plan" had changed. After DS was born and we were discussing having a 2nd, I hoped I would have another boy. I loved the idea of 2 little boys playing together, dressing alike and just boys in general.
I'm sure there will be no disappointment once you meet your DS, I think sometimes when you are pregnant the child within you is a kind of abstract idea and the moment you lay eyes on them it is pure love.

ETA: To address the nasty comments, I am no longer able to have children and I see nothing wrong with the OPs post. What she is feeling is totally normal.

Message edited 12/15/2011 1:12:37 PM.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I think people confuse gender disappointment with being unhappy about the child you are carrying.

I don't think this is the issue at all. Really it's just a mom who has either a vision, a desire, a wish, a thought, a feeling, SOMETHING inside her that hopes for or expects a certain sex with the pregnancy they are carrying.

It doesn't mean she will love her child any less.

It doesn't mean that she doesn't appreciate the life she has growing in her or that she doesn't appreciate having a healthy baby.

This seems pretty clear to me from everyone that I've ever spoken to (on all sides of this issue).

I'll share a story with you - my friend has 3 daughters, the youngest of which was about 10 when she and her DH decided to try just ONE more time to see if they could get the boy they both wanted. She got pregnant first try, what a blessing. Baby wouldn't show the goods until their 28 week sono where they confirmed baby was another girl! To say she and her husband were upset is to put it lightly. They cried a lot. NOT because they loved their baby any less! Just because they had this wish - yes it's a 50% chance, but it doesn't change your feelings. Well, she ADORES her newest little girl and dotes on her as does her DH.

When I was pg with my DS, I wanted a little girl. I thought it was a girl until I dreamed I had a son. From then on I thought it was a boy, but deep down, who knows. I never loved the baby any less despite my thoughts and feelings. When I had to deliver by emergency c/s and I was prepped by a neonatologist (or perinatologist???) with everything that could be wrong with my baby including a chance of baby not surviving, all I could think was for baby to make it, to be healthy, etc. And when they pulled him out of me and told me it was a boy and he CRIED his lungs out, I burst out in the biggest tears ever. I was just SO happy to have my son. And he truly is the light of my life. I could never ever imagine my life without him and he brings me so much joy.

Now that I am pg with baby #2, I don't have a preference, but if I did, what would be wrong with that?

I think it's a given that you will adore your second son once you hold him, but in the meantime, think about how beautiful two brothers will be!

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I felt exactly like you when I was pregnant w ds 2. I was sooooo depressed, but I knew a lot of it was my hormones . My ds is so sweet and lovable he is also opposite of ds1. I just adored his baby when he was born, I couldn't believe I had been so upset he whole pregnancy. It's true that now I will be the MIL but I will hope my sons to pick a great wifey, that's all I can do! Hopefully I will be able to have a good relationship with DIL.

As for a third, dh really wants one and I do not. So we are not in agreement about that whole thing

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

One thing has nothing to do with the other.

I was on the IF board for over 3 years, had multiple losses, exhausted myself emotionally and physically for years trying to have a baby, spent thousands of dollars, blah blah, and I will go through it all over again and I WANT A GIRL. I would be happy with anything and it takes nothing away but I would like a healthy baby WITH a &agina!!!!

OP,

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Message edited 12/15/2011 3:12:40 PM.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Posted by maybemommy10

One thing has nothing to do with the other.

I was on the IF board for over 3 years, had multiple losses, exhausted myself emotionally and physically for years trying to have a baby, spent thousands of dollars, blah blah, and I will go through it all over again and I WANT A GIRL. I would be happy with anything and it takes nothing away but I would like a healthy baby WITH a &agina!!!!

OP,

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

First to the DRAMA Poster...you dont like the post DONT REPLY! ITs not directed at you then! DONT OPEN IT KEEP YOUR FEELINGS TO YOURSELF!

Now moving on....When I had DS2 there was a feeling of disappointment. I was a 2 and done person by MY choice. I only wanted 2 and wanted a girl but never voiced that to anyone. From day 1 I just KNEW I was having a boy! and I was right.
Now that DS2 is here he is a joy to our family. Do I still want a girl? Yes, will I always say "aww it would be so nice to have a daughter" yes. however my family is perfect the way it it! My Ds's simply light up when they see each other. I can't wait until they can really playtogether (DS2 is only 8 months).

DS1 always wanted a brother and was over hte moon about his brother. When I drive around the neighborhood and see 2 brothers playing basketball together I melt thinking abot the future!

Plus FYI, I have an extremely close relationship with my MIL. My mom died shortly after I got married. I call my MIL daily just to BS, gossip etc. Not every relationship is a MONSTER IN LAW type. So try not to worry about that now!

I know how you are feeling now. I think mouring the family you DREAMED of is normal! But I promise once you hold DS2 you will be over the moon and forget the feelings you have now!

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I understand where you are coming from. I'm preggo with DS#2 as well. When we found out I actually wanted to cry a little big b/c I was truly hoping for a girl. I'll be honest it took a few weeks for me to be completely on board with having another DS but I also am starting to fall in love with the idea of 2 little boys for me to spoil.

As for the MIL thing, first I'd say try to reconnect with yours. And secondly, you have a very big role in creating the relationship you have with your FDILs. Sure, she may go to her mom first but that doesn't mean you cant be her 2nd call.

Good luck. FM if you want to chat.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I agree that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. However, the title of this post was that someone said they "needed a little pick me up." She was looking for some support. The OP deserved better than criticism when she was just hoping for some sensitivity.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I feel you!

I wanted a boy more than you can imagine. I swore it was a boy. I have a horrible relationship with my mothers (step and real) I never had a real role model of a woman in my life. How could I raise a daughter? I'm such a tom boy anti-pink frill kinda gal.

I was soooooo disppointed. I thought of it as a boy.. to me it WAS a boy only to find out it was a she was heart breaking. I felt disconnected from it. It was just the girl I was carrying INSTEAD of *my* boy.

I feared having a girl. Girls can hate better. They hate longer. They hate get under your skin and burn you in ways you can't imagine. You look in her eyes and know that the mind behind is its own and so very angry. I fear the day my teenage daughter will say to me "I hate you" because I think it will hurt so much I'll want to die. I hope it never happens but its a fear. Boys seem to be more able to let things pass, forgive and move on. Girls hold grudges, have standards of their own set, they seem to want to please everyone and themselves at the same time. Boys to me are easier going. Adventurous and brave. I wanted a Mama's boy and not a Daddy's girl. But She's definitely Daddy's little girl.

I referred to her as the monster within jokingly because I didn't know her. I felt like I 'knew' my imaginary boy. I don't care that people say I should have been grateful for a baby at all. I can't and won't deny how I felt.

Then she was born and I felt nothing. Sorta of "well that was anticlimatic" meh. It was weeks later before I connected to her really.

Now, I can't imagine her as anything else. But I won't lie. I will honestly say to anyone "yep I had my heart set on a boy, I got a girl instead and she's my best friend (for now)". She's everything I've ever wanted without knowing.

I won't have another child. I'm one and done for personal, medical, financial reasons. My hopes for a boy are gone. I know one day I may have a grandson. But I will never have a son of my own. No mud smudged face of giggle looking at me telling me he kiss a girl. Or sincerely asking if he can keep the frog he found.

I don't think its bad to feel disappointment. I think its just how you feel. And youre entitled to it. You won't love him less. But you will only cause more heartache if you don't recongize what you feel is totally natural.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

Their is nothing wrong with what you are feeling!! It's so normal and don't let anyone tell you that it's wrong to have a preference. It doesnt mean you love your baby any less
My closest friend has 2 little boys. She had to go through IVF for both. She always wanted a girl, when she found out her 1st was a boy, she was OK b/c it was her 1st child. With her 2nd, she was convinced it was a girl and called me hysterical after her level II. Of course she said she loved the baby, was just grieving for the girl she would never have. I try not to judge b/c she is entitled to her feelings and wants. After that she started talkiing about PGD for a 3rd(since she had to IVF anyway and her 2 losses with the IVF). Well low and behold, 2 months ago she got pregnant naturally, truly a miracle b/c they were trying for years before the IVF and had been diagnosed with both male and female infertility. They were told it would almost impossible for the them to have children naturally. Now that she's pregnant, she is once again covninced its her girl and praying so hard. I am hoping for her, that she's right. However, she did tell me, god gives you what you can handle and what he thinks you need. I think that's a good way to look at it

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

To make you feel better -- my DH has a super close relationship with his mom and so does his brother-- even more so than his sisters do. It is true that I do call my mom for more things, but we involve his mother in almost everything we do. Having two of the same sex is even better than having two of opposite sexes, whethr they are boys or girls. First, you can save so much money by reusing all of DS#1's things, and they will grow to be best friends one day.

Re: I don't usually do this but I really need a little pick me up re: gender disappointment

I can understand both sides. Having experienced a loss, I know how important it is to me to just have a healthy pregnancy and baby. However, I also had always hoped for a boy first to watch after his (hopefully) little sister. It's just a picture I always had in my mind since childhood of a big brother protecting his little sister. I got my boy first and am elated. I know theres no control over what happens next. maybe I'll get my girl next, maybe I won't...maybe we'll be able to afford a third...maybe not. I will be happy for anything I get...but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to experience "the best of both worlds" as they say, in having at least one of each.

I know I'll be happy and feel lucky no matter what baby #2 is. But I might be rooting for the sonogram tech to say girl so I can experience what it's like to decorate a girly nursery, buy girly clothes, etc.

maybe thinking about it from your sons perspective instead of your own might help. Your son has a buddy! he has someone to throw the ball to him and do boy things together.