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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
This is something we thought about before house hunting. We chose to buy a home that we could afford on one income, so when the time came, I had the choice to stay home without having to worry about losing our home. We got approved for a 650K loan, we purchased a home for MUCH MUCH less, it was our choice.
A gf of mine put off buying a home for years in order to stay home, she also chose, to not live in LI and pay $$$ taxes. It works for her. It's all a matter of what choices and sacrifices you want to make. What makes me happy may not be what makes another happy.
We don't have kids yet, so I have no idea how I will feel when the time comes, actually im more worried about me losing my sanity staying home than financial stress
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Posted 11/3/09 2:19 PM  |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
But I think another issue that makes being a SAHM not a choice for some of us is exorbitant student loans. I went to law school and I could buy a house on my loans. I wanted a profession for after my DC are in school. And with that comes the price tag for me of maintaining my license to practice. I want so badly to be at home with my DD. It is not a choice for me.
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:22 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Fasc0730
My mom was a working mom from the time i went to kindergarden until after I graduated high school. She worked 16-18 hour days, and sometimes we wouldnt see her at all b/c we'd be in bed when she got home. She missed a lot of my plays, concerts, etc. She hated it. When my brother (who is 12 years younger than me) was 6 she said enough was enough and started her own business working from home. She was able to send him to school every day and be there at the door every day when he got home. She saw every play, show, etc. She got to do things for him, she wasnt able to do for my sister and I.
I always said I'd rather eat PB&J every night for life than miss one moments of my kids life. You cant get those moments back. Now that she has passed away, I know my decision is the right one b/c I'm actually jealous of all the time my brother had with my mom that I didnt.
Its just my opinion and my personal situation. I just cant fathom owning anything that is more important than seeing all of my child's milestones first hand.
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:38 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by Fasc0730
My mom was a working mom from the time i went to kindergarden until after I graduated high school. She worked 16-18 hour days, and sometimes we wouldnt see her at all b/c we'd be in bed when she got home. She missed a lot of my plays, concerts, etc. She hated it. When my brother (who is 12 years younger than me) was 6 she said enough was enough and started her own business working from home. She was able to send him to school every day and be there at the door every day when he got home. She saw every play, show, etc. She got to do things for him, she wasnt able to do for my sister and I.
I always said I'd rather eat PB&J every night for life than miss one moments of my kids life. You cant get those moments back. Now that she has passed away, I know my decision is the right one b/c I'm actually jealous of all the time my brother had with my mom that I didnt.
Its just my opinion and my personal situation. I just cant fathom owning anything that is more important than seeing all of my child's milestones first hand.
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
VERY WELL SAID!! I was way too emotional to reply to that post!! But you did it beautifully!!
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:42 PM |
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CityBaby
LIF Toddler
Member since 2/07 387 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by Fasc0730
My mom was a working mom from the time i went to kindergarden until after I graduated high school. She worked 16-18 hour days, and sometimes we wouldnt see her at all b/c we'd be in bed when she got home. She missed a lot of my plays, concerts, etc. She hated it. When my brother (who is 12 years younger than me) was 6 she said enough was enough and started her own business working from home. She was able to send him to school every day and be there at the door every day when he got home. She saw every play, show, etc. She got to do things for him, she wasnt able to do for my sister and I.
I always said I'd rather eat PB&J every night for life than miss one moments of my kids life. You cant get those moments back. Now that she has passed away, I know my decision is the right one b/c I'm actually jealous of all the time my brother had with my mom that I didnt.
Its just my opinion and my personal situation. I just cant fathom owning anything that is more important than seeing all of my child's milestones first hand.
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
I agree with everything written here 110%!
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:44 PM |
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twiceasnice
LIF Adult
Member since 2/08 1126 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
I always worry about financial stress. I blame my father 
He always implies that I should stay home knowing that is a dream of mine. But I can't because I am the one keeping our happy world together. I have no idea what it feels like to even think about what it could be like to stay home because DH would automatically be that person...not me. His job is the expendable one not mine.
My father's fault because he always told me to never rely on a man (he obviously had his issues). For some reason I took that info and made myself a bit too independent which has left me with no choice but to be the provider. Sometimes it stinks to be successful because the pay off isn't always what it seems.
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:47 PM |
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maybesoon
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 5981 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by twinkletoes807
If my DH didn't have child support payments to make, we would be able to swing it. At least he did when he was married to his ex.  
but you knew he had to pay CS before you had your baby 
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| Posted 11/3/09 2:57 PM |
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yankinmanc
Happy Days!
Member since 8/05 18208 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
I have the option to stay home after this baby, but I am not really sure if I will take it. I like having my own money, I like having some freedom (to be without kids) and I know how great daycare was for my son, and I would want a similar experience for this child also. We have a small mortgage, I own my car, and my major expenses would be flying home to see my family in the states a few times a year.
As I live in the UK, I get a great maternity package will can keep me afloat for the first year and with the NHS, well, I won't have to pay for any healthcare of prescriptions for my children until they are sixteen, and also, the government gives me cash every week (whether I work or not)
However, I think I am a better Mother for working outside of the home, my work life balance isn't quite where I want it to be yet, but hopefully I can get there in a year or two.
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:08 PM |
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shiv
Twinsanity!!
Member since 5/07 4747 total posts
Name:
Shiv
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by Fasc0730
My mom was a working mom from the time i went to kindergarden until after I graduated high school. She worked 16-18 hour days, and sometimes we wouldnt see her at all b/c we'd be in bed when she got home. She missed a lot of my plays, concerts, etc. She hated it. When my brother (who is 12 years younger than me) was 6 she said enough was enough and started her own business working from home. She was able to send him to school every day and be there at the door every day when he got home. She saw every play, show, etc. She got to do things for him, she wasnt able to do for my sister and I.
I always said I'd rather eat PB&J every night for life than miss one moments of my kids life. You cant get those moments back. Now that she has passed away, I know my decision is the right one b/c I'm actually jealous of all the time my brother had with my mom that I didnt.
Its just my opinion and my personal situation. I just cant fathom owning anything that is more important than seeing all of my child's milestones first hand.
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
ITA I thought the same exact thing on your second point.
I grew up with very little and because of it, I strived to do well in school and get a good job that could support my whole family if needed. I make double what my DH makes. It important to me to support my family and give them a safe reliable life. I will always work, and I am fine with that. When I see my baby walk and speak for the first time- it will be the first time for me and so that will be their milestone in my eyes. We are going to be VERY present parents, so I am not worried about my child feeling like they missed time with us.
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:16 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
ITA with this statement.
Everybody believe's diffrently. I support those who work and those who don't.
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:32 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by MAC222
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I just want to say that I'm a sahm and anything that we have we have because we earned it ourselves....my dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves, down payment on our house ourselves every bill including mortgage payment ourselves ETC ETC ETC
I posted already on this thread but i read your post and just didn't want to get lumped into the category of sahms' that can do what they do bc they have help....i wish we did!....it would make our very difficult financial situation much better if we did that's for sure!
as for the choice part of it, i'm very sorry that it isn't a choice for you  and I thank God (and my dh lol) everyday that we do have that choice
things are hard either way.... working moms or sahm moms...... especially in this economy! its so hard to make such difficult decisions that affect ourselves and our families but don't let anyone get you down about your choices....you have made/will make the best ones for your family....know that!
Message edited 11/3/2009 3:37:28 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:35 PM |
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katiebug
I'll love you for always
Member since 2/08 4624 total posts
Name:
Katie
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by munchkinfacemama
But I think another issue that makes being a SAHM not a choice for some of us is exorbitant student loans. I went to law school and I could buy a house on my loans. I wanted a profession for after my DC are in school. And with that comes the price tag for me of maintaining my license to practice. I want so badly to be at home with my DD. It is not a choice for me.
This is the problem with my DH and myself. We would be living much more comfotably if not for the student loan payments from hell. But oh well, when we are 45 and they are paid off, we will be living large!
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:37 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by happybutscaredbfp
Posted by MAC222
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I just want to say that I'm a sahm and anything that we have we have because we earned it ourselves....my dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves, down payment on our house ourselves every bill including mortgage payment ourselves ETC ETC ETC
I posted already on this thread but i read your post and just didn't want to get lumped into the category of sahms' that can do what they do bc they have help....i wish we did!....it would make our very difficult financial situation much better if we did that's for sure!
as for the choice part of it, i'm very sorry that it isn't a choice for you and I thank God (and my dh lol) everyday that we do have that choice
things are hard either way.... working moms or sahm moms...... especially in this economy! its so hard to make such difficult decisions that affect ourselves and our families but don't let anyone get you down about your choices....you have made/will make the best ones for your family....know that!
ITA I refuse to be in the category of having help along the way. DH's mother passed away and his father looks like he is going to follow shortly. His brother and SIL live in that house. I grew up in "The System". We have WORKED very hard to get where we are. We paid for our own wedding, our car, everything we have we HAVE earned. My DH took a voluntary deployment so I could SAH with our DS.(Thank the lord for him) He works two jobs so we can continue this way because we believe a specific way. No two of us have the exact same situation and I think saying things like "ALL SAHM have help is a little far fetched & offensive." JMO
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| Posted 11/3/09 3:59 PM |
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ldomiano
LIF Toddler
Member since 9/09 394 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
I wish I was able to be a SAHM. Im going to be going back to work after 3 months, but would like to find a new job. Possibly part time if I can find something decent. I work close to home now, but the stress at my job is so not worth the s$#@ that Im getting paid. If anyone has anything available or knows of anyone that does please let me know. Im going to do my best to find something while Im on maternity leave. I hope Im successful.
We moved back in with my MIL a month before we found out I was expecting, so it was a surprise. We want to dormer, but dont have the $ for that yet either. Thank goodness we have a good relationship.
Message edited 11/3/2009 4:02:46 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:01 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Its just as offensive as saying all Working Moms have a choice.
ETA: I however do not belive that all SAHM have help along the way.
Message edited 11/3/2009 4:02:37 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:02 PM |
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AMF1115
Loves being Joey & Vinny's mom
Member since 1/09 3771 total posts
Name:
Athina
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by CrankyPants
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
first off, I started off by saying I work from home anyway. And my job is a LONG day. Its not 16-18 hours straight but there are days I am working on something all day and night. That wouldnt change if I worked in an office. In addition I was talking about something VERY specific citing my own mother and my own situation. It had NOTHING to do with anyone else on here and their situation.
second, DH works from 7-3. thankfully he has a schedule that is flexible enough that he can leave early and be around for our kids activities. Again I NEVER rationalized DH working and missing milestones. so please do not put words into my mouth. DH has already said he'd rather me be here with our kids if he can't. He doesnt want our child to crawl for the first time for a nanny. Again - OUR CHOICE, OUR DECISION and it has NOTHING to do with anyone else's situation.
third, I wasnt saying my kids would be missing out on anything. I said I'd rather do without. I never said working moms were materialistic or wanted "stuff". My mom worked so hard so that we didnt go without anything. We went to private schools, numerous trips, etc. We didnt go without a thing. SHE on the other hand admitted on numerous occasions that SHE was missing out on the everyday time with us and that SHE regretted it. I don't want to chance having the same regret my mom did.
I feel I can provide a very stable, comfortable life with my husband for our children. Owning a plot of land isnt important to us. Real estate doesn't make a home - the love in the family does.
NEVER once did I badmouth or disrespect the moms who chose to work or have to work. I'd NEVER in a million years do that b/c then I'd be disrespecting my own mother, grandmother and great-grandmother - all of whom were working mothers. DH and I have made what we feel is the best choice for OUR family. Not yours or anyone else's.
We don't feel that at this point in time owning a home is important to us. Its our goal to of course have one eventually, but right now, its not a priority.
you took what was a VERY personal situation that I decided to share and made irrelevant counterpoints. I dont appreciate that.
Message edited 11/3/2009 4:28:57 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:05 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Linda1003
Its just as offensive as saying all Working Moms have a choice.
ETA: I however do not belive that all SAHM have help along the way.
I would never say something like that. I don't think being a SAHM is a choice for everyone! The OP asked how we do it. I said my situation and it turned into SAHM all have help. Trust me there are some days having two kids in my house makes me wanna jump off the roof. But overall you have to do whats best for your situation. I am really unsure how this post went from "HOW DO YOU DO IT" to people flaming the people that manage it somehow. Either way like I have said before and I will continue to say everyone has a diffrent situation simple as that. We bust our butts to do it. And trust me weather you are a working mom or a SAHM you will catch the crap no matter which way you go.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:19 PM |
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AMF1115
Loves being Joey & Vinny's mom
Member since 1/09 3771 total posts
Name:
Athina
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by teddysmama1021
Posted by Linda1003
Its just as offensive as saying all Working Moms have a choice.
ETA: I however do not belive that all SAHM have help along the way.
I would never say something like that. I don't think being a SAHM is a choice for everyone! The OP asked how we do it. I said my situation and it turned into SAHM all have help. Trust me there are some days having two kids in my house makes me wanna jump off the roof. But overall you have to do whats best for your situation. I am really unsure how this post went from "HOW DO YOU DO IT" to people flaming the people that manage it somehow. Either way like I have said before and I will continue to say everyone has a diffrent situation simple as that. We bust our butts to do it. And trust me weather you are a working mom or a SAHM you will catch the crap no matter which way you go.
ITA!
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:27 PM |
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chickiemom
LOVE my boys!!
Member since 10/09 1473 total posts
Name:
Leanne
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
WOW!!! what a thread... There are soo many views.. This should be a hot topic on "THE VIEW" lol.... I personally hope to be able to be a SAHM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:31 PM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by teddysmama1021
Posted by happybutscaredbfp
Posted by MAC222
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I just want to say that I'm a sahm and anything that we have we have because we earned it ourselves....my dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves, down payment on our house ourselves every bill including mortgage payment ourselves ETC ETC ETC
I posted already on this thread but i read your post and just didn't want to get lumped into the category of sahms' that can do what they do bc they have help....i wish we did!....it would make our very difficult financial situation much better if we did that's for sure!
as for the choice part of it, i'm very sorry that it isn't a choice for you and I thank God (and my dh lol) everyday that we do have that choice
things are hard either way.... working moms or sahm moms...... especially in this economy! its so hard to make such difficult decisions that affect ourselves and our families but don't let anyone get you down about your choices....you have made/will make the best ones for your family....know that!
ITA I refuse to be in the category of having help along the way. DH's mother passed away and his father looks like he is going to follow shortly. His brother and SIL live in that house. I grew up in "The System". We have WORKED very hard to get where we are. We paid for our own wedding, our car, everything we have we HAVE earned. My DH took a voluntary deployment so I could SAH with our DS.(Thank the lord for him) He works two jobs so we can continue this way because we believe a specific way. No two of us have the exact same situation and I think saying things like "ALL SAHM have help is a little far fetched & offensive." JMO
Had I stated that "All SAHM have help", I would agree with you that it is far-fetched and offensive, but I did not state that, nor do I believe that. In my post, I should have written that MANY seemed to. And, I can only base my thoughts on what I actually read on this thread...which is that MANY rent, lived with family, or had some help along the way. Also, the reason, we are on here, and ask questions, is because we are all in different situations, and it is nice to see things from other perspectives every now and then.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:49 PM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Fasc0730
Posted by CrankyPants
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
first off, I started off by saying I work from home anyway. And my job is a LONG day. Its not 16-18 hours straight but there are days I am working on something all day and night. That wouldnt change if I worked in an office. In addition I was talking about something VERY specific citing my own mother and my own situation. It had NOTHING to do with anyone else on here and their situation.
second, DH works from 7-3. thankfully he has a schedule that is flexible enough that he can leave early and be around for our kids activities. Again I NEVER rationalized DH working and missing milestones. so please do not put words into my mouth. DH has already said he'd rather me be here with our kids if he can't. He doesnt want our child to crawl for the first time for a nanny. Again - OUR CHOICE, OUR DECISION and it has NOTHING to do with anyone else's situation.
third, I wasnt saying my kids would be missing out on anything. I said I'd rather do without. I never said working moms were materialistic or wanted "stuff". My mom worked so hard so that we didnt go without anything. We went to private schools, numerous trips, etc. We didnt go without a thing. SHE on the other hand admitted on numerous occasions that SHE was missing out on the everyday time with us and that SHE regretted it. I don't want to chance having the same regret my mom did.
I feel I can provide a very stable, comfortable life with my husband for our children. Owning a plot of land isnt important to us. Real estate doesn't make a home - the love in the family does.
NEVER once did I badmouth or disrespect the moms who chose to work or have to work. I'd NEVER in a million years do that b/c then I'd be disrespecting my own mother, grandmother and great-grandmother - all of whom were working mothers. DH and I have made what we feel is the best choice for OUR family. Not yours or anyone else's.
We don't feel that at this point in time owning a home is important to us. Its our goal to of course have one eventually, but right now, its not a priority.
you took what was a VERY personal situation that I decided to share and made irrelevant counterpoints. I dont appreciate that.
I disagree-my "counterpoints" were not irrelevant as there are others who felt the same way.
The line wherein you say you cannot "fathom" that owning something is more important than seeing your child's milestones is the part that led me to believe you were talking about the "stuff". As if WM think that owning something is more important than being their for their kids.
As I said, being a working mom is not about "stuff". For that matter, I don't think being a SAHM is about the sacrifices of stuff either-that's not why work and it's not why a SAHM stays home. We do what we do to provide a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that. Your way is not for me and my way is not for you but neither is wrong.
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:50 PM |
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NYchic
Girl & boy
Member since 6/09 2357 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Fasc0730
first off, I started off by saying I work from home anyway. And my job is a LONG day. Its not 16-18 hours straight but there are days I am working on something all day and night. That wouldnt change if I worked in an office. In addition I was talking about something VERY specific citing my own mother and my own situation. It had NOTHING to do with anyone else on here and their situation.
second, DH works from 7-3. thankfully he has a schedule that is flexible enough that he can leave early and be around for our kids activities. Again I NEVER rationalized DH working and missing milestones. so please do not put words into my mouth. DH has already said he'd rather me be here with our kids if he can't. He doesnt want our child to crawl for the first time for a nanny. Again - OUR CHOICE, OUR DECISION and it has NOTHING to do with anyone else's situation.
third, I wasnt saying my kids would be missing out on anything. I said I'd rather do without. I never said working moms were materialistic or wanted "stuff". My mom worked so hard so that we didnt go without anything. We went to private schools, numerous trips, etc. We didnt go without a thing. SHE on the other hand admitted on numerous occasions that SHE was missing out on the everyday time with us and that SHE regretted it. I don't want to chance having the same regret my mom did.
I feel I can provide a very stable, comfortable life with my husband for our children. Owning a plot of land isnt important to us. Real estate doesn't make a home - the love in the family does.
NEVER once did I badmouth or disrespect the moms who chose to work or have to work. I'd NEVER in a million years do that b/c then I'd be disrespecting my own mother, grandmother and great-grandmother - all of whom were working mothers. DH and I have made what we feel is the best choice for OUR family. Not yours or anyone else's.
We don't feel that at this point in time owning a home is important to us. Its our goal to of course have one eventually, but right now, its not a priority.
you took what was a VERY personal situation that I decided to share and made irrelevant counterpoints. I dont appreciate that.
VERY WELL SAID....I guess people missed you saying you do work from home...I read that loud and clear in your first paragraph!
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| Posted 11/3/09 4:53 PM |
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NYchic
Girl & boy
Member since 6/09 2357 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by teddysmama1021
No two of us have the exact same situation and I think saying things like "ALL SAHM have help is a little far fetched & offensive." JMO
I plan to be a SAHM after 1st DC and also have had no help along the way. DH and I have paid for everything ourselves from our wedding to our home. It is extremely offensive to say all SAHMs have had help along the way.
DH makes good $, I do too but staying home is important to us and we will make do without my salary. We have gone on extravagant vacations every year we've been together - is that something we'll have to cut back on, sure. And we're ok with that. Not saying we won't get to go on vacations - we just won't spend the amount of $ we used to. There are lots of ways to cut back and to us it is important for me to be SAHM.
Our student loans are long paid off, we bought a house we could afford - not speaking for any of you but speaking for friends of mine who just had to have that $1M house that they simply cannot afford and live paycheck to paycheck because of it. We have huge savings, pay CC in full every month. We are very good at budgeting our $ and feel me staying home is something we can afford.
It's not an option for everyone and I respect all working and SAHMs...both are the hardest jobs in the world!
Message edited 11/3/2009 5:02:30 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 5:01 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by MAC222
Posted by teddysmama1021
Posted by happybutscaredbfp
Posted by MAC222
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I just want to say that I'm a sahm and anything that we have we have because we earned it ourselves....my dh and I paid for our wedding ourselves, down payment on our house ourselves every bill including mortgage payment ourselves ETC ETC ETC
I posted already on this thread but i read your post and just didn't want to get lumped into the category of sahms' that can do what they do bc they have help....i wish we did!....it would make our very difficult financial situation much better if we did that's for sure!
as for the choice part of it, i'm very sorry that it isn't a choice for you and I thank God (and my dh lol) everyday that we do have that choice
things are hard either way.... working moms or sahm moms...... especially in this economy! its so hard to make such difficult decisions that affect ourselves and our families but don't let anyone get you down about your choices....you have made/will make the best ones for your family....know that!
ITA I refuse to be in the category of having help along the way. DH's mother passed away and his father looks like he is going to follow shortly. His brother and SIL live in that house. I grew up in "The System". We have WORKED very hard to get where we are. We paid for our own wedding, our car, everything we have we HAVE earned. My DH took a voluntary deployment so I could SAH with our DS.(Thank the lord for him) He works two jobs so we can continue this way because we believe a specific way. No two of us have the exact same situation and I think saying things like "ALL SAHM have help is a little far fetched & offensive." JMO
Had I stated that "All SAHM have help", I would agree with you that it is far-fetched and offensive, but I did not state that, nor do I believe that. In my post, I should have written that MANY seemed to. And, I can only base my thoughts on what I actually read on this thread...which is that MANY rent, lived with family, or had some help along the way. Also, the reason, we are on here, and ask questions, is because we are all in different situations, and it is nice to see things from other perspectives every now and then.
From the way your post read it just seemed like you were categorizing the SAHM that posted on here. Which kinda sent me into a pregnant emotional tirad. Sorry bout that! The whole thing is emotional for me. After have DH deployed a whole year to allow me to stay home is what makes it touchy. You asked a question and we gave you the info and then it became a completly diffrent post in general. I think each of us has done what we feel we need to for our families. And I see where your coming from with the living on long island makes it nearly impossible. But each person has diffrent circumstances.
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| Posted 11/3/09 5:14 PM |
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JennCo
My greatest joy is my baby boy
Member since 1/07 2772 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by CrankyPants
Posted by Fasc0730
My mom was a working mom from the time i went to kindergarden until after I graduated high school. She worked 16-18 hour days, and sometimes we wouldnt see her at all b/c we'd be in bed when she got home. She missed a lot of my plays, concerts, etc. She hated it. When my brother (who is 12 years younger than me) was 6 she said enough was enough and started her own business working from home. She was able to send him to school every day and be there at the door every day when he got home. She saw every play, show, etc. She got to do things for him, she wasnt able to do for my sister and I.
I always said I'd rather eat PB&J every night for life than miss one moments of my kids life. You cant get those moments back. Now that she has passed away, I know my decision is the right one b/c I'm actually jealous of all the time my brother had with my mom that I didnt.
Its just my opinion and my personal situation. I just cant fathom owning anything that is more important than seeing all of my child's milestones first hand.
A few points of feedback on this:
1-this is talking in extremes. There IS a difference between working 16-18 hours a days and having a career that allows you to work 8-4:30 or something along those lines and offers the flexibility to attend events for your child. I volunteer at DDs day care all the time, I am definitely there for her milestones.
2-I imagine that your DH works. How do you rationalize the fact that it's okay for him to miss "seeing all of my child's milestones"? The same logic that you use to rationalize him missing these events applies to a lot of mothers on here who work so to say it's okay for dads to miss but not moms is a little flawed IMO.
3-A life where my kids have to eat PB&J every day is not the life I want for them. As I said earlier, I won't spoil my kids and we are not materialistic at all but I want my children to have a comfortable life. I don't want them to feel the pinch of every penny. They will have a healthy understanding of the value of a dollar but will also hopefully have a few of the extras in life. As someone who grew up with very few of the extras I KNOW this is not something I want for my kids. A home they can call their own, savings to give them a good start in life as they head out to college or start their own life, etc-these are things that are important to the life we want to provide for our family.
I don't mean to aim this at you-we all make choices for our families that feel right to us.
But to say that "owning something" is more important than being there for your kid is off the mark.
It's not about "stuff". It's about providing a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that.
Very well said!
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| Posted 11/3/09 5:15 PM |
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