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AMF1115
Loves being Joey & Vinny's mom
Member since 1/09 3771 total posts
Name:
Athina
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by NYchic
 VERY WELL SAID....I guess people missed you saying you do work from home...I read that loud and clear in your first paragraph!
thank you. at least someone read the entire post and read it for what it I ACTUALLY said and not for what they THOUGHT I meant.
Posted by CrankyPants
I disagree-my "counterpoints" were not irrelevant as there are others who felt the same way.
The line wherein you say you cannot "fathom" that owning something is more important than seeing your child's milestones is the part that led me to believe you were talking about the "stuff". As if WM think that owning something is more important than being their for their kids.
As I said, being a working mom is not about "stuff". For that matter, I don't think being a SAHM is about the sacrifices of stuff either-that's not why work and it's not why a SAHM stays home. We do what we do to provide a stable, comfortable life for our children and we all have different interpretations of how to do that. Your way is not for me and my way is not for you but neither is wrong.
They were irrelevant because they were taken OUT of CONTEXT. I was talking about a specific situation - MY situation and you countered it in a way that made it seem that I was talking in generalities, which I obviously wasnt.
I couldn't fathom it for ME. Again - for me. Not that I couldnt fathom it for anyone else.
I NEVER made any points against working moms, I cited my OWN personal experience with it. I think its irresponsible to response in a manner that implies that I said otherwise.
Its a PERSONAL choice. Someone else said it but its true - this thread went from "how do you do it" to both categories getting defensive and rude with each other.
Parenting is a very individual subject. We can all agree that certain things aren't good for our kids but otherwise I think this site was for us to help each other and learn from each other. Not for grown women to flame each other about their personal choices.
I'll stop on this topic now since I feel its gotten extremely off the original topic.
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Posted 11/3/09 5:17 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Message edited 11/17/2009 11:08:22 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 5:48 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by itsbabytime
Posted by MAC222
The times have definately changed...whether it is that we are more materialistic..I don't know. But our parents had it way easier, and many will tell you that they did! When my father actually heard that our mortgage payment was over $3,200, he didn't believe me!
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I also can't stand when people say. "You just have to make it work," and things like that because NO, I just can't replace a salary of over 70K, and just "Try to work it out." The bank would have another home to add to their growing list of foreclosures in Suffolk county.
First off - no one pays my bills for us. We pay our bills with DH's salary so, not receiving help from anyone but him. When we buy a house (we are currently renting and looking) we will use the money we saved from the years I worked for our down payment - NOT something someone will give us.
And, I'm sorry but, your mortgage was a choice. You chose to buy that house AND you chose how much of a mortgage to take on. It's not like you were born with that debt - so it WAS a choice. If I went back to work we would be able to afford a house MORE THAN DOUBLE the cost of what we are looking at now b/c I made as much as DH if not more. But, our decision when to buy and how much to spend was based on our decision for me to stay at home right now.
I'm not saying one choice is better than others all I am saying is there ARE choices and the things you are saying are the alternative (foreclosure) is a result of a choice you made.
So, if your DH lost his job hypothetically and you ran through savings because this economy is terrible and it is hard to find a job, the fact you would have to keep a roof over your head was a choice, not a necessity?
My DH bought our house before we were married. I didn't have a choice. So I chose an education. That means I don't have a right to be upset that I can't stay at home because we would be on the street? So I should never have gone to law school because I might want to really pursue it when the kids are in school to be able to pay their college, etc. So, in essence, I am being punished.
I imagine you did not mean to flame those who have to work for mortgages. Not everyone took on super high mortgages but due to the horrible economy, some of us have to continue working. And then there are some who rent and still have to work because we are young and out of school and have educational debt.
My point is that it is just as hurtful to say that working moms have a choice as it is to say SAHMs all get help. If you are able to be a SAHM that is great and you are lucky.
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| Posted 11/3/09 5:59 PM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Message edited 11/17/2009 11:10:15 PM.
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| Posted 11/3/09 6:20 PM |
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JennB
My princess <3
Member since 5/09 2473 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Linda1003
It is truly insulting when I see people say that it's a "choice" that we make to go to work. Some of us don't have a "choice" If I stayed home...we would lose our house.
Also.. i don't work to buy expensive things and go on vacations. I work to pay my mortgage.
I have no movie channels on cable..just the family plan. DH cell phone is paid by work. I have the lowest plan possbile. We NEVER go out. We order pizza once a week. I do not get my nails done ever...I can't imagine doing anything more to save money. I can't cut anything else out.
so to say it's a choice and that it's b/c people want to buy expensive things is insulting and upsetting.
Yes I could have lived in a worse area but I wasnt' willing sacrifice my childs education.
I agree! We cut out most "extra" things. I dont get my hair or nails done anymore, whne my lease was up we returned my car. I cook pretty much every night and take lunch to work with me. And still cutting out all those things I MUST work...i realy wish i had the choice to stay home
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| Posted 11/3/09 6:57 PM |
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charon54
My two boys!
Member since 5/05 7279 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
See I do believe that we all make the choice to either be a SAHM or not. We choose to make the decisions we make about the way we spend our money. I have no plans to be a SAHM. For me, that is a choice I make. I choose to own a home, I choose to save money for retirement, I choose to vacation and eat out.
What I don't believe one should do though is judge anyone for their choices. Just because you choose to stay home does not make you a better person or a better person. Just because I choose to own a home does not make me a better person either.
We need to learn to understand each other and not judge each other. Everyone does what they think is the right thing for them and their family.
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| Posted 11/3/09 7:37 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by itsbabytime
Posted by munchkinfacemama
Posted by itsbabytime
Posted by MAC222
The times have definately changed...whether it is that we are more materialistic..I don't know. But our parents had it way easier, and many will tell you that they did! When my father actually heard that our mortgage payment was over $3,200, he didn't believe me!
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I also can't stand when people say. "You just have to make it work," and things like that because NO, I just can't replace a salary of over 70K, and just "Try to work it out." The bank would have another home to add to their growing list of foreclosures in Suffolk county.
First off - no one pays my bills for us. We pay our bills with DH's salary so, not receiving help from anyone but him. When we buy a house (we are currently renting and looking) we will use the money we saved from the years I worked for our down payment - NOT something someone will give us.
And, I'm sorry but, your mortgage was a choice. You chose to buy that house AND you chose how much of a mortgage to take on. It's not like you were born with that debt - so it WAS a choice. If I went back to work we would be able to afford a house MORE THAN DOUBLE the cost of what we are looking at now b/c I made as much as DH if not more. But, our decision when to buy and how much to spend was based on our decision for me to stay at home right now.
I'm not saying one choice is better than others all I am saying is there ARE choices and the things you are saying are the alternative (foreclosure) is a result of a choice you made.
So, if your DH lost his job hypothetically and you ran through savings because this economy is terrible and it is hard to find a job, the fact you would have to keep a roof over your head was a choice, not a necessity?
My DH bought our house before we were married. I didn't have a choice. So I chose an education. That means I don't have a right to be upset that I can't stay at home because we would be on the street? So I should never have gone to law school because I might want to really pursue it when the kids are in school to be able to pay their college, etc. So, in essence, I am being punished.
I imagine you did not mean to flame those who have to work for mortgages. Not everyone took on super high mortgages but due to the horrible economy, some of us have to continue working. And then there are some who rent and still have to work because we are young and out of school and have educational debt.
My point is that it is just as hurtful to say that working moms have a choice as it is to say SAHMs all get help. If you are able to be a SAHM that is great and you are lucky.
Whoa - I think you are taking what I said to the way extreme.
First off - I'm not saying you always have a choice - yes, as you pointed out OF COURSE there are situations where you have NO choice. I'm just saying in a situation where you buy a house and take on a large mortgage that is a choice - b/c I have many friends that say they have to work to pay their mortgages and they are living in MUCH nicer houses than I will buy b/c I am not working - THAT is what I am talking about. I did not see the original poster say her DH was out of work or this was a decision out of her hands. Yes, there are always exceptions but, she DID ask the question - HOW DO YOU DO IT - and I am saying this is how WE did it - buy choosing to live in a different way, rent for a while, live in a smaller house etc. etc. etc.
Second, not sure what having an education has to do with it - as a matter of fact I am an attorney as well. And, not only did I go to law school but, I also went back to school after that for a masters...
And, yes, I do feel I am VERY blessed to be able to stay home - i know for SOME people they do have NO choice but, I can also say from my own experience and from reading what others have posted on this thread that for many it IS a lifestyle choice and NOWHERE did I say it was the wrong choice. In fact, before I had my first - I was fully planning on going back to work. It was a decision that changed. I just really don't like it when people say they CAN'T stay home and then they have double what we have in every respect.
My point with education was that I had no help from my parents. I had to take out loans and the loan companies are not going to wait around until I start working again to be paid back. It stinks, but it is what it is.
And I did not glean that what you were saying was that some people have no choice. That is what I was getting at. It was not clear in your initial response.
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| Posted 11/3/09 7:49 PM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by JennB
Posted by Linda1003
It is truly insulting when I see people say that it's a "choice" that we make to go to work. Some of us don't have a "choice" If I stayed home...we would lose our house.
Also.. i don't work to buy expensive things and go on vacations. I work to pay my mortgage.
I have no movie channels on cable..just the family plan. DH cell phone is paid by work. I have the lowest plan possbile. We NEVER go out. We order pizza once a week. I do not get my nails done ever...I can't imagine doing anything more to save money. I can't cut anything else out.
so to say it's a choice and that it's b/c people want to buy expensive things is insulting and upsetting.
Yes I could have lived in a worse area but I wasnt' willing sacrifice my childs education.
I agree! We cut out most "extra" things. I dont get my hair or nails done anymore, whne my lease was up we returned my car. I cook pretty much every night and take lunch to work with me. And still cutting out all those things I MUST work...i realy wish i had the choice to stay home
I agree as well. We took a huge hit in this economy between DH's business tanking and the value of our home in the toilet. I wish we could sell the house and have a buffer but good luck finding a buyer who can get approved.
We don't go out to eat or out in general. I clip coupons and look through flyers for deals. I plan meals and make enough for leftovers for DH's lunch so no money has to be spent. I don't get my nails or my feet done either. I don't shop for clothes and I bought bare minimum in maternity. I am cutting back our cell plans and we have no home phone. I am at a loss where else we can cut.
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| Posted 11/3/09 7:53 PM |
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sunnygirl
loving life
Member since 1/07 5413 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
wow what a thread, this will be our situation,
i was planning on working part time but then we found out we are having twins and that went out the door, i have no one i can leave 2 infants with 5 days a week and i won't leave my infants in daycare, a little later yes, but not infants, and i feel that it would be a burden to ask anyone else to watch 2 babies, also my mom is not yet retired and mil is not an option
we do rent right now but not sure how long that will be able to last with 2 babies on the way we are hoping to stay here until they are at least 1 because then i will go back to work part time
one huge problem is the same as tilde mentioned dh own his business so health insurance comes from me, i am saving furiously to try to have enough $ banked to pay the health insurance for the year,
this is going to be very difficult and we don't have help from anyone else, our only plus is that dh does own his own business and it has been doing very well and we have been able to bank a decent amount of money in preperation,
i give all the women credit whether you are working or a sahm, both choices a difficult in their own way and you do what you feel is the best thing for your family,
i hate when the two groups go at each other as to who has chosen the better option and who is more righteous - yes thats the impression i get from some, just know you are doing whats right for your family and don't worry about what everyone else is doing
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| Posted 11/3/09 10:06 PM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by sunnygirl
i hate when the two groups go at each other as to who has chosen the better option and who is more righteous - yes thats the impression i get from some, just know you are doing whats right for your family and don't worry about what everyone else is doing
ita and well said!
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| Posted 11/4/09 7:09 AM |
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CrankyPants
I'm cranky
Member since 7/06 18178 total posts
Name:
Mama Cranky
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by Fasc0730
I couldn't fathom it for ME. Again - for me. Not that I couldnt fathom it for anyone else.
I didn't miss the part where you wrote that you work at home. I read your entire post and I understand exactly what you are saying.
However, this line right here is exactly what I am getting at and I don't think you are getting my point.
The insinuation of this line is that to some WMs, owning "things" is more important than seeing milestones. That's not it AT ALL.
I do not think that you meant to disrespect WMs and I certainly don't begrudge SAHMs or WAHM-being a mom is the toughest but most rewarding job for any of us regardless of how you choose to parent.
Message edited 11/4/2009 9:11:42 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/09 9:05 AM |
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conigs25
So in love with this kid!
Member since 5/06 11197 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by chickiemom
Posted by KangaMom
We knew before we even got Married that I would be at Home raising our Children, we wouldn't have it any other way... Yes Houses were $25k many years ago but salaries were also like $1k a month so it does all even out... It is such a personal and private decision 
Funny you say that because most of the women I know have a house that they bought at $250,000 (the cheapest) and only bring home $2500 a month... and with taxes at average of $1000 for a decent area I don't see how that evens out to a house at $25,000 and making $1000/mo.
I absolutely agree. There is no "evening out going on at all
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| Posted 11/4/09 10:37 AM |
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conigs25
So in love with this kid!
Member since 5/06 11197 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by munchkinfacemama
Posted by Tilde
To offer a different perspective:
My DH owns his own business. So, when the time comes, if I were to stay home not only would I be losing my salary ( which can be more than he makes depending on the month since it is seasonal ) we would ALSO have to pay for health insurance. DH was paying $600/m for Self Only before we were married so that could go up to $1000/m for self + family. It would be impossible for us, even without a mortgage or other debt.
Very valid point. For some ladies, it is not so much the salary as the benefits.
Yes this too. I am under my DHs health benefits bc my district offers a buyback for not taking it so that is fine. BUT.... my retirementis OUTSTANDING and the thoughtof walking away from that is scary. I would love to be a f/t SAHM but i have decided to return to work sometime next school yr bc i dont want to give up my career. Once baby goes to school, i will be sorry i left my job. We only plan to have one child so its not like there will be another little one to tend to. Its a touchy subject for sure. In the end, we all do what we can and hope to do the best w. that
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| Posted 11/4/09 10:42 AM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Posted by itsbabytime
Posted by MAC222
The times have definately changed...whether it is that we are more materialistic..I don't know. But our parents had it way easier, and many will tell you that they did! When my father actually heard that our mortgage payment was over $3,200, he didn't believe me!
It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state. All things, that were unavailable to us.
Do I think it is a choice? Absolutely not, and agree, that it is harsh to make that statement, as it is heartbreaking for many moms, and dads...to NOT have that choice.
I also can't stand when people say. "You just have to make it work," and things like that because NO, I just can't replace a salary of over 70K, and just "Try to work it out." The bank would have another home to add to their growing list of foreclosures in Suffolk county.
First off - no one pays my bills for us. We pay our bills with DH's salary so, not receiving help from anyone but him. When we buy a house (we are currently renting and looking) we will use the money we saved from the years I worked for our down payment - NOT something someone will give us.
And, I'm sorry but, your mortgage was a choice. You chose to buy that house AND you chose how much of a mortgage to take on. It's not like you were born with that debt - so it WAS a choice. If I went back to work we would be able to afford a house MORE THAN DOUBLE the cost of what we are looking at now b/c I made as much as DH if not more. But, our decision when to buy and how much to spend was based on our decision for me to stay at home right now.
I'm not saying one choice is better than others all I am saying is there ARE choices and the things you are saying are the alternative (foreclosure) is a result of a choice you made.
Maybe someone needs to point out the obvious to you:
I wrote: "It seems as though the people who are able to stay home, either received some help along the way, staying with family, etc, rent, or live out of state."
You wrote: "When we buy a house (we are currently renting and looking)"
So, please explain to me, how my statement was wrong at all???? You are currently renting. How do you feel attacked in any way at all?
Also, if you read through the posts, I have already recognized that I should have said that it seemed to be the case for many of the people who replied.
Kudos to you for going to such great lengths to point out to ME, that MY high mortgage payment was a choice..something that I already knew. I could have saved you the time it took for you to type that.
I also don't understand the whole, affording a house, that is double, making more than DH stuff...has nothing to do with anything....but if it makes you feel better, post away....
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| Posted 11/4/09 10:47 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Message edited 11/4/2009 10:52:37 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/09 10:52 AM |
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
OMG this made it to 5 PAGES!!!! Well today I will not be posting but rather !!!
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| Posted 11/4/09 11:02 AM |
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skinny
3 boys and a princess!
Member since 11/08 8178 total posts
Name:
Momma
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Put a bunch of emotional, prego chicks together and .
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| Posted 11/4/09 11:03 AM |
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bluekat16
My boys :-)
Member since 3/09 6659 total posts
Name:
Kathy
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
How did this turn into ?
Some of us will stay at home and some of us will go back to work. All of us have a variety of reasons for each situation and each situation is different. Are some of us house poor...yes...so we work to maintain our home. Are some of us debt free..yes...so it works out. Are some of us maiking too much or too little to justify staying home...yes..so we do what we have to. Do some of us want to continue working after DC because that will make us feel more fulfilled...yes. The list can go on and on. Everyone's situation is different and one isn't better than the other. What matters is that is works for you, DH and how you plan to raise your children.
Saying that one is better than the other is irrelevant to your situation...who cares...your the only one that knows your situation and what works best for you and your family.
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| Posted 11/4/09 11:18 AM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Sorry double post.
Message edited 11/4/2009 11:30:43 AM.
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| Posted 11/4/09 11:27 AM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
Message edited 11/17/2009 11:06:41 PM.
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| Posted 11/4/09 11:30 AM |
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JBmommy
LIF Infant
Member since 8/09 252 total posts
Name:
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
I am not staying home after number 3 because I have a great job and like to work. However thankfully if I wanted too I could. My husband makes an extremely good salary. We could be driving fancy cars, living in million plus home, etc... but we choose to live below our means so that we dont have to work just to live. We are definitely lucky.
Message edited 11/4/2009 1:24:02 PM.
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| Posted 11/4/09 1:19 PM |
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mom2b
LIF Adult
Member since 5/09 1072 total posts
Name:
x
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Re: If you are staying home after baby...(a little personal)
I can't be a SAHM. We also have a high mortgage, student loans and cc debt, etc. This pregnancy is a blessing, I was told years ago that I would not be able to have anymore kids (I have a 12 y/o). So after 4 years of unsuccessfully TTC we bought a house and financed cars. Now I just am not able to afford to stay home.
I think SAHMs and working moms both sacrifice. Each have different challenges and benefits. But keep in mind that even if you plan, save, and prepare life has many surprises and u have to do the best with what you have. Whether you end up having a baby u didnt prepare for, or end up with twins or lose your job etc, so its not fair to make judgments either way.
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| Posted 11/4/09 2:22 PM |
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