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Not worth it to work?

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Pumpkin1
LIF Adult

Member since 12/05

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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by SRM12

Posted by mzsocialworker1

I kinda think some people on here are bitter about other people's decisions and ability to stay home.



it def reads that way..



For me, you are wrong. However, if believing that other people of "jealous" makes you feel better, more power to you.

Posted 4/24/12 1:11 PM
 
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dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by DiamondGirl

For me I think I would chose to work rather than my husband doing two jobs (unless one job had short hours and it would mean he was home at a reasonable hour and on weekends even though he has "two" jobs").

I would rather we BOTH get to spend time with our children rather than me be home but him working so many hours that he is NEVER home, I would not be happy with that arrangement.




this is it. People make judgements, no one will know 100% of how a family lives. My DH works 2 jobs b/c we agreed I would be a SAHM. First, I didn't neccesarily WANT to be a SAHM after the first yr. or two but then the economy took a shitter and my day care would be almost as much as my salary if I could even find a job because I have 3 kids. Doesn't make sense to work just to put my kids in daycare.
And second..My DH works at two jobs less hrs then a few of my friends DH's who only work ONE JOB. Both jobs have super hours.

I often say Oh my DH works two jobs and get the well I couldnt do that b/c your taking time away from him seeing the kids in a put down my lifestyle sort of way, when no one see's the reality of what the jobs entail etc.


What I find funny society wise is MOST politicians will say the Mother belongs home with the kids, the traditional family is what they want to retun to...EXCEPT when the Mother's poor or on Welfare, then of course, the tables turned and they MUST work for pennies.

This is also akin to the don't look for a job when on unemployment bit. MANY , a lot on this web board even did this. Why bring home $300 a week working when unemployment cuts you a $405 check a week right?

IDK, I have no opinion on this because I know that you NEVER know the full story, eVER and to pass judgement on people, opinions etc when you don't is naive and silly.

Posted 4/24/12 1:23 PM
 

hazeleyes33
LIF Adult

Member since 5/05

13060 total posts

Name:
Ginger

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by Pumpkin1

Posted by SRM12

Posted by mzsocialworker1

I kinda think some people on here are bitter about other people's decisions and ability to stay home.



it def reads that way..



For me, you are wrong. However, if believing that other people of "jealous" makes you feel better, more power to you.



Chat Icon Chat Icon

Of course I would like to be home with my kids but I can not, financially. I am not bitter at all about other people's decisions and ability to stay home. I do know people who stay home and I could never live the way they do.

Posted 4/24/12 1:25 PM
 

computergirl
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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by maybesoon

Posted by Pumpkin1

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I want to smack people who say that. Quality is what matters, not quantity. For me, my children are well mannered, well adjusted and show some independence. Again, for some of my SAHM friends (I am not generalizing), their kids are poorly behaved, can't do a thing for themselves and they can't take their kids anywhere due to their behavior. Additionally, since we have extra money, we are able to expose them to various places (i.e. restaurants, vacations, etc.) which is causing them to grow into interesting people (something that their teachers have said to us at school conferences).



You do realize that some DH do make enough $$$$ to go out to restaurants and take vacations right Chat Icon Chat Icon



Seriously. I have been called out on my own comments before (and I'm sure it was justified even if I couldn't see it), so I feel no shame in calling this one out. Let's see, in one short paragraph you have claimed that:

- children of SAHMs are poorly behaved
- children of SAHMs lack independence
- families with a SAHM do not take vacations
- families with a SAHM do not eat at restaurants

I'm surprised there wasn't a theory that we lock our kids in the house until they make up their own language to speak to each other (I'm picturing that movie "Nell"), since they turn out so "poorly adjusted" Chat Icon

But hey, if thinking this helps you feel better about your life, then go ahead.

Posted 4/24/12 1:27 PM
 

Pumpkin1
LIF Adult

Member since 12/05

3715 total posts

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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by computergirl

[Let's see, in one short paragraph you have claimed that:

- children of SAHMs are poorly behaved
- children of SAHMs lack independence
- families with a SAHM do not take vacations
- families with a SAHM do not eat at restaurants




I claimed nothing of the sort. If you actually read each word in my post, you'd see that I said it was my own personal experience and was not a generalization. This 'SAHM v. working mom" thing is tiring. FOR ME, even if I could afford to stay at home, I know I would choose to work. How is that statement an insult to SAHMs? I feel my family has benefitted from my working. It what works for my family.

BTW, my post was in response to the stupid comment that working women don't raise their children.

Posted 4/24/12 1:36 PM
 

dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by computergirl

Posted by maybesoon

Posted by Pumpkin1

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon I want to smack people who say that. Quality is what matters, not quantity. For me, my children are well mannered, well adjusted and show some independence. Again, for some of my SAHM friends (I am not generalizing), their kids are poorly behaved, can't do a thing for themselves and they can't take their kids anywhere due to their behavior. Additionally, since we have extra money, we are able to expose them to various places (i.e. restaurants, vacations, etc.) which is causing them to grow into interesting people (something that their teachers have said to us at school conferences).



You do realize that some DH do make enough $$$$ to go out to restaurants and take vacations right Chat Icon Chat Icon



Seriously. I have been called out on my own comments before (and I'm sure it was justified even if I couldn't see it), so I feel no shame in calling this one out. Let's see, in one short paragraph you have claimed that:

- children of SAHMs are poorly behaved
- children of SAHMs lack independence
- families with a SAHM do not take vacations
- families with a SAHM do not eat at restaurants

I'm surprised there wasn't a theory that we lock our kids in the house until they make up their own language to speak to each other (I'm picturing that movie "Nell"), since they turn out so "poorly adjusted" Chat Icon

But hey, if thinking this helps you feel better about your life, then go ahead.



and whats even funnier is I find the EXACT opposite of what she says.

The people I knwo who work cannot take vacations because they can never both take off work at the same time. One always works late, or weekends, they can never go out to eat. And I wont say anything about the kids because its disrespectful but believe me they are not angels vs. my devils.

Posted 4/24/12 1:38 PM
 

Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys

Member since 5/05

9306 total posts

Name:
Kelly

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by maybesoon

Posted by Kelly9904


I also agree how important it is to be home as they get older. I used to say I would rather work when they are young (putting them in Daycare) and be home when they enter school because I felt that was a time they needed me even more to be readily available.



Let me help you understand. Dh and I would never ever have dropped our 3 month old infant into a daycare with strangers. That is something we were totally against. It's a business pure and simple. You can not talk to baby all day. You can not ask them how the day went. In other words you have no clue what went on all day every day and you are paying through the nose for it. Any kid would love daycare because that's all they know, right?

When they are older you can call them on the phone, chat with them about their day, they are more self sufficient . If they don't like something they will let you know.

Hope this helps you understand why some people stay home with their babies,

I did go back to work, but my ds stayed with my inlaws. I was falling apart knowing I was leaving him to go to work. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I stopped working when he was 10 months old

Ets I hate when people say someone else raising your child , they are helping you raise your child, not actually raising them.



Sorry I think you misunderstood my post. I never said I dont understand why people stay home with their babies. I have 2 kids, 4 and 1, neither has spend a day in daycare at our choice. My older DS was with my ILs while I worked FT for 3 months, then I went PT for 10 months. I TOTALLY understand why people stay home with their babies.

What I MEANT by saying "I used to say I would rather work when they are young (putting them in Daycare) and be home when they enter school " is that many women say they are going to go back o work when their DC are in school FT, but for me thats even less convenient of a time bc you need someone to be available when they come home sick, for all the vacations, for all the 1/2 days, then there is the school plays or events during the day.

So I used to tell my DH that I would rather work from age 0-4 than in grade school. That is my choice, however DH and I have decided that it works better for our family if I am home now as well.

hope this helps you understand what I was really saying.

PS, I agree, no one else is rasing your child. I watch my friends DD for about 6+months of the year. I am not raising her. I take care of her during the day, I teach her things, play with her, make sure she says please and thank you. But I dont feel its my responsibility to make her a good person. I dont feel its in my job to instill values in her etc. Some things they ask me to do I dont agree with (she is 3 and takes a bottle in the AM- not judging just I wouldnt do that with my own kids) but she is NOT my kid, I do as they ask. I RAISE my kids, with help from all the people who influence them, my DH, their aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends, teachers etc. Its not a 1 or 2 person job IMO.

Posted 4/24/12 1:48 PM
 

Daisy32
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Member since 2/08

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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by MrsA1012

Personally, I would not have kids if I knew that I had to work full time. Nothing would be worth the knowledge that someone else was raising my child.


^I hate these stantements. As a FTWM, I can assure you that NO ONE raises MY child other than my husband and myself. And I'm sure the same goes for other FTWM's. Chat Icon

Message edited 4/24/2012 1:52:26 PM.

Posted 4/24/12 1:50 PM
 

Kelly9904
Mommy to 2 amazing little boys

Member since 5/05

9306 total posts

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Kelly

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by Annie91606

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Kelly9904

I would NEVER want/ask my DH to get a second job just so I can stay home. Why doenst the mother get a PT afternoon/night job and let the dad stay home?

I personally just cant understand WHY its more important for the mother to be home and the father to only be seen 1.5 days a week. Why am I more valuable to my kids?

DH and I make certain choices so that he can be a very present figure in the kids lives. We all eat together 6 out of 7 nights a week. He is at 99% of DS's soccer games etc. I feel its VERY important for them as boys to see the role of a father as more than just the breadwinner.




I never understood that either why a mother is more important than a father. Especially with boys. I think boys need a male role model in their life. Seeing your child a few hours a week does not cut it for me.




The arrangement that works best will vary by the family. DH actually prefers me being home than when I was working FT. No more bickering over household chores, errands, who paid the bills, who is taking off work to take DS to the doctor, etc. He can focus on his job all day and know that things are taken care of here.

I personally would not be a SAHM if it meant DH had to work 2 jobs and never saw our kids.......

why should other people care?



I agree with everything you said. I am a SAHM too, and it makes our home life so much smoother. DH gets anxiety when things are overwhelming. So It helps that I can get all our house stuff, most errands etc done during the week, leaving less to be done by him and on weekends. I agree different things work for different families. While I am enjoying being a SAHM, I do miss working and am often temped to return, and have had a great opportunity to at a previous job, but DH and I feel now is not the right time for our family.

And just for the record, I dont care if someone's DH had 2 or 3 or more jobs while they stay home with the kids...however it will forever be something I can't understand. I dont look down upon those people, I just dont get the reasoning.

Posted 4/24/12 1:58 PM
 

Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn

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Janice

Re: Not worth it to work?

1. i "raised" someone else's child for 2 years. if that means listened to the parent's wishes, put him down for naps, and fed him what his mother packed for him.
at the same time i was raising my own child. blood, sweat and tears go into my child. to think i was raising the other boy is just not true. he had his own family...even though i was with him 8 hours a day, they had 75% more influence in his life then i did.

2. My dh LOATHES when I talk about working, side jobs, picking up bar shifts, taking classes.
he has picked up 2nd jobs. he would chose this any day over me working.
he doesn't not believe in it. call it a fairy tale, but he likes that when he is home, so am i. he likes that his day is predictable. that he is where he has to be and doesn't have to rush home to relieve me.
he does not like the pressure of entertaining kids and taking them places. he knows they will sit in front of TV with him. he will never consider his days off to be ones where i am gone and he has the kids.

3. Put the 2 previous points together. Fathers who work a lot are in their kids lives raising them.
what is the exact timeframe per day that is acceptable to be called an active parent???
thank God dads out there are willing to work long hours without seeing their kids. Not sure who would be fighting for your freedom.

Posted 4/24/12 2:41 PM
 

NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..

Member since 11/09

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..being a mommy and being a wife!

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by ShaunsMommy

Posted by MrsA1012

Personally, I would not have kids if I knew that I had to work full time. Nothing would be worth the knowledge that someone else was raising my child.


^I hate these stantements. As a FTWM, I can assure you that NO ONE raises MY child other than my husband and myself. And I'm sure the same goes for other FTWM's. Chat Icon


'
Yeah I didn't want to even join this thread because this was beaten to death on the parenting board last week but that statement really pissess me off like no other- and I don't normally get pisssed or feel the need to defend my choices.

Just because DD is in daycare a few days a week, you can bet your asss that she is not being RAISED by someone else.
She is being CARED for by them while I work.
She is also learning things she would have NEVER learned at home.

And for the other side of the coin- I PERSONALLY would have not had kids if I knew that I would have to give up my career, my hopes, my dreams, my hard work- in order to do so.
Chat Icon

Message edited 4/24/2012 3:24:04 PM.

Posted 4/24/12 3:22 PM
 

MrsS1976
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Member since 5/11

534 total posts

Name:
M

Re: Not worth it to work?

$18K/year is not chump change. I dont think I would quit work if that was the case. If it was only $5K income that I'd make after day-care costs, etc - then perhaps I would consider being a SAHM but for 18K- no *****' way.

18K is several nice vacations and almost as much as a brand new car..Uhm..No, why would she think thats not enough??Chat Icon Chat Icon I dont get this whole philosophy that a mother's time with their kids is so dang more valuable than time spent moving up the career ladder. For some people, its important and for other's it isnt. Different strokes for different folks. My mom was a F/T working mom and I never felt deprived over it (in fact, I felt blessed to have a mom who could swing a F/T job and also keep me and the house clean 24/7!). I have a friend who quit her job as soon as she got pregnant, didn't want to even bother looking for P/T job, her husband's struggling to pay everything with 2 jobs, and her kid is now 6 years old - she really is the type to sit at home all day, eating bon-bons, and watching Oprah re-runs on TV..I seriously can't stand women do feel that is productive in any way...

Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/12 3:43 PM
 

MrsA1012
love my little girl !

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Me

Re: Not worth it to work?

I clearly said that I was not judging anyone elses' choices or decisions.I was only stating MY personal opinion on the subject. It seems that all the posters on here have done that same.

Posted 4/24/12 3:46 PM
 

hazeleyes33
LIF Adult

Member since 5/05

13060 total posts

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Ginger

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by Janice

1. i "raised" someone else's child for 2 years. if that means listened to the parent's wishes, put him down for naps, and fed him what his mother packed for him.
at the same time i was raising my own child. blood, sweat and tears go into my child. to think i was raising the other boy is just not true. he had his own family...even though i was with him 8 hours a day, they had 75% more influence in his life then i did.

2. My dh LOATHES when I talk about working, side jobs, picking up bar shifts, taking classes.
he has picked up 2nd jobs. he would chose this any day over me working.
he doesn't not believe in it. call it a fairy tale, but he likes that when he is home, so am i. he likes that his day is predictable. that he is where he has to be and doesn't have to rush home to relieve me.
he does not like the pressure of entertaining kids and taking them places. he knows they will sit in front of TV with him. he will never consider his days off to be ones where i am gone and he has the kids.

3. Put the 2 previous points together. Fathers who work a lot are in their kids lives raising them.
what is the exact timeframe per day that is acceptable to be called an active parent???
thank God dads out there are willing to work long hours without seeing their kids. Not sure who would be fighting for your freedom.



If a father is working 2 or more jobs or long hours and do not see their kids at all or for an hour day, IMO are not raising their child. The mother is and the father is supporting them financially.
If you are speaking of fathers who are active in the military then we are speaking of 2 different things. I would not consider this the situation that has been discussed in this thread.

Posted 4/24/12 4:34 PM
 

hazeleyes33
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Ginger

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by NervousNell

Posted by ShaunsMommy

Posted by MrsA1012

Personally, I would not have kids if I knew that I had to work full time. Nothing would be worth the knowledge that someone else was raising my child.


^I hate these stantements. As a FTWM, I can assure you that NO ONE raises MY child other than my husband and myself. And I'm sure the same goes for other FTWM's. Chat Icon


'
Yeah I didn't want to even join this thread because this was beaten to death on the parenting board last week but that statement really pissess me off like no other- and I don't normally get pisssed or feel the need to defend my choices.

Just because DD is in daycare a few days a week, you can bet your asss that she is not being RAISED by someone else.
She is being CARED for by them while I work.
She is also learning things she would have NEVER learned at home.

And for the other side of the coin- I PERSONALLY would have not had kids if I knew that I would have to give up my career, my hopes, my dreams, my hard work- in order to do so.
Chat Icon



Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/12 4:35 PM
 

Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn

Member since 5/05

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Janice

Re: Not worth it to work?

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.

Posted 4/24/12 5:00 PM
 

MC09
arrrghhh!!!!

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Me speaks pirate!

Re: Not worth it to work?

Sorry, but it sounds like shit is being shoveled on both sides of this argument. I don't understand the need to judge other families and what they do with their lives or the need to justify your decisions to strangers. I personally don't give a crap either way. I couldn't care less if the dad has to work 10 jobs and never gets to see their kid so mom can stay home. I also don't care if a family has 2 working parents and the kid is in daycare 24/7. In either case: not my kid, not my problem. Every family has to do what's best for them. I don't think it's right, however, to say that kids that go to daycare are being raised by someone else. I think this is far from the truth and sounds a bit spiteful. JMO.

Posted 4/24/12 5:02 PM
 

hazeleyes33
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Ginger

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by Janice

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.



IME I do not know ANY mother who only spends an hour a day with their child so it is hard for me to think that there are mothers out there that do that. I do know fathers who do though only see their kids an hour or two a day, the most.

Posted 4/24/12 5:17 PM
 

Janice
Sweet Jessie Quinn

Member since 5/05

27567 total posts

Name:
Janice

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Janice

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.



IME I do not know ANY mother who only spends an hour a day with their child so it is hard for me to think that there are mothers out there that do that. I do know fathers who do though only see their kids an hour or two a day, the most.




my cousin does.
out of work at 5:30.
commutes home to SI from midtown.
home at 6:45.
son asleep by 8.

almost all the mothers i use to work with had similar schedules.

Posted 4/24/12 5:21 PM
 

MorningCuppaCoffee
Tired!

Member since 12/07

16353 total posts

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Allison

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by Pumpkin1

Posted by SRM12

Posted by mzsocialworker1

I kinda think some people on here are bitter about other people's decisions and ability to stay home.



it def reads that way..



For me, you are wrong. However, if believing that other people of "jealous" makes you feel better, more power to you.



1.) I'm not a SAHM.
2.) Financially I couldn't afford to be.
3.) The fact that someone asked "Do you think it's worth it to work" in the original post, people responded "No" and then they are met with a gazillion "buts" about why these people are wrong with their views demonstrates to me that yes, someone might just be a TAD bit bitter and jealous.

With that said too, you'd think they are dropping their own paychecks on these moms to stay home.

Just sayin'



Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 4/24/12 5:23 PM
 

MorningCuppaCoffee
Tired!

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Allison

Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by MC09

Sorry, but it sounds like shit is being shoveled on both sides of this argument. I don't understand the need to judge other families and what they do with their lives or the need to justify your decisions to strangers. I personally don't give a crap either way. I couldn't care less if the dad has to work 10 jobs and never gets to see their kid so mom can stay home. I also don't care if a family has 2 working parents and the kid is in daycare 24/7. In either case: not my kid, not my problem. Every family has to do what's best for them. I don't think it's right, however, to say that kids that go to daycare are being raised by someone else. I think this is far from the truth and sounds a bit spiteful. JMO.



Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

People have way too much time on their hands, caring about what certainly doesn't affect them.

Posted 4/24/12 5:25 PM
 

nrthshgrl
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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Janice

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.



IME I do not know ANY mother who only spends an hour a day with their child so it is hard for me to think that there are mothers out there that do that. I do know fathers who do though only see their kids an hour or two a day, the most.




I used to see my kids for an hour a day when they were infants. I got home at 7pm, bedtime was 8pm.

It didn't mean I wasn't raising them. It meant I lived for weekends, vacation days & sick days.

There is no question who their mom & dad are - no matter how much time is spent.

Posted 4/24/12 5:29 PM
 

maybesoon
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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Janice

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.



IME I do not know ANY mother who only spends an hour a day with their child so it is hard for me to think that there are mothers out there that do that. I do know fathers who do though only see their kids an hour or two a day, the most.




Really. Many of the managers where I was in NYC got home around 730-8pm each night. Lot of times the kids were already in bed. When you have a long work day, plus a commute that is reality for a lot of moms and dads.

Posted 4/24/12 5:34 PM
 

PrincessP
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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by MrsA1012

I clearly said that I was not judging anyone elses' choices or decisions.I was only stating MY personal opinion on the subject. It seems that all the posters on here have done that same.




No actually you said this

"Posted by MrsA1012

Personally, I would not have kids if I knew that I had to work full time. Nothing would be worth the knowledge that someone else was raising my child. "

Someone else raising your child? Sounds a little judgemental to me and FWIW NO ONE RAISESES MY CHILD....."I" raise my child.Chat Icon

I agree....dont have any children with your cycle of judgemental ways. Definitely let someone raise YOUR children. It will be money well spent!

Posted 4/24/12 5:35 PM
 

computergirl
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Re: Not worth it to work?

Posted by hazeleyes33

Posted by Janice

hazel-is the mother who only gets to spend an hour a day with her child raising that child?

my dh 100% feels like he is helping raise my kids..financing? we both do that. he makes it and i save it by staying at home with them.



IME I do not know ANY mother who only spends an hour a day with their child so it is hard for me to think that there are mothers out there that do that. I do know fathers who do though only see their kids an hour or two a day, the most.




Almost every parent I know (mother or father) who commutes to NYC sees their child an hour, maybe hour and a half, a day.

So where do we draw the line here? Mom, who works in NYC and gets home at 7, seeing her kid for maybe an hour before bed, is raising her child. This situation is acceptable. But Dad, who works two jobs so Mom can stay home, is NOT raising their child and is spending too much time away from their child. I don't get it. Where do we draw the line on what constitutes "raising"?

FWIW, I am a SAHM but do feel the "someone else is raising your child" line is bullshitt. I do feel that as a SAHM, I have more everyday involvement in my children's lives than my DH, who works a demanding job. It doesn't mean he isn't doing a good job of raising them, but the fact of the matter is that I do shape their days more, and I do have more detailed knowledge about their day to day lives, simply because I'm there more than he is. It's a different parenting role than my DH's role, but not necessarily better or worse.

Edited for bad grammar :)

Message edited 4/24/2012 5:49:11 PM.

Posted 4/24/12 5:48 PM
 
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