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hotsauce345
my love, my life, my son
Member since 1/09 4169 total posts
Name:
Melody
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
There is no black and white rule book when dealing with children otherwise after generations upon generations we would all be experts by now. I just think, for me, How can I ask my son not to hit or resort to violence, when I do? I just think there has to be a better way. sticking your child in a corner means nothing if you don't take the time to teach them why what they did was wrong...just like hitting a child does no good if you don't take the time to TEACH them why what they did was wrong...not just "BECAUSE IT MAKES MOMMY MAD" or whatever. I like the more modern idea of keeping the child productive...instead of sitting there idle, give them an activity to calm them or "reel them back in" or just plain old talking to them and explaining how what they did made you feel or how it could harm them or someone else. But that's what I feel more comfortable with...everyone is different.
If anyone is doing what my parents did to me...it's a problem. I don't think I could handle seeing another child go through what I did
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Posted 6/5/12 9:01 PM  |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by DiamondGirl
Posted by Ayne11
Well now some specialists say a time out is a form of humiliation for the child, and therefore should not be used.
So you're damned if you do damned if you don't, I guess.
It'd funny you say that.
I'm a new mom so I have no first hand experience but my in laws were telling me they were on a cruise and the family next to them kept putting their toddler in time out at dinner and it was super uncomfortable for everyone around them bc they were being really "mean" and ignoring the "baby".
Granted this was my in laws perspective but they saw it as cruel, whereas I am sure had the parent spanked the kid they wouldn't have flinched, so I guess it depends on your personal opinion.
I would be a little weirded out seeing that as well. If that were me, I would have removed myself and my child from the restaurant if he was being that disruptive.
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:15 PM |
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browneyedgirl
family is all that matters
Member since 6/06 6513 total posts
Name:
browneyes
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Spanking and hitting are the same, and in my book, completely wrong. I won't physically harm my child for ANY reason--there are so many other options I can employ to make my point. If I hit my child, how can I tell him "we don't hit" or "we don't hurt other people" when I just did it to him?? Completely hypocritical.
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:15 PM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
To get some ideas: If you don't hit or participate in time out; what are some consequences your child receives for bad behavior? What if talking to them doesn't do squat?
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:19 PM |
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hotsauce345
my love, my life, my son
Member since 1/09 4169 total posts
Name:
Melody
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Mind Jar : Bottle filled with glitter and water, you shake it up and they "time out" until all the glitter falls to the bottom of the jar or bottle. The idea is that it gives them something calm to focus on visually to "reel them back in" and then you can discuss what they did (I like the idea of adding encouraging words or phrases in it as well...like "Remember: I love you", "you are a good boy/girl, You are smart) I'm a firm believer that if the child is told or made to feel he or she is "bad" they will become that.
Time out is meant to calm the child and give the parent an opportunity to regain control of the situation...not to PUNISH.
Roll play: how could that scenario have gone better?
A Time-IN : instead of making it a punishment...make it a learning and nurturing time. Cuddle, positive reinforcement, talk. Go WITH them.
have books about "good behavior" in their area for them to read
Message edited 6/5/2012 9:47:13 PM.
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:35 PM |
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Ayne11
To get some ideas: If you don't hit or participate in time out; what are some consequences your child receives for bad behavior? What if talking to them doesn't do squat?
I don't know the right answer.
I just realized quick that hitting doesn't work. Accomplishes squat, just makes them fear you and teaches them that hitting is what you do when you're angry and can't control your emotions.
I have heard that some parents want to instill a sense of fear in their kids, so that they won't ever get out of line, and that kids have no respect these days, we are too PC and easy on kids........eh, I don't think hitting is the solution.
Without . ,
I see parents hitting their kids in stores to discipline them all the time. It sickens me. Kid's feelings get hurt more than the pain of being hit, they cry, they get told to stop crying (really?) and it never seems to stops their "bad" behavior. Parent gets stressed more, hits them again. Kid cries even more, and louder. Parent looks out of control, not the kid, and then everyone can put two and two together as to why their kid is acting like a fool.
I have yet to see a kid get a spanking and then quickly shape up. I only see them act worse shortly thereafter.
It's important to remember as a parent that kids have to be taught self control and it starts with how YOU react to THEM. Kids also get overtired easily and can act crazy just because they are exhausted, not out of being a little jerk. Kids don't wake up and say, "Hey, today I'm going to act like a little asshole and ruin dinner. Muahahahaha (evil laugh)" They are kids.
Anyway, naughty behavior (I never call it bad, because kids are what you say they are), so I call it naughty. A kid is not BAD if they act like, well, a kid!
I remain cool and calm and in control. I first gauge the situation - is my child tired and cranky right now? Then I either divert attention, then give warnings if they behavior doesn't stop (it usually does immediately if I point out my child is acting like a crankypants). If it gets worse (rare)... items/toys/priviliges are taken away and we then discuss cause and effect after things have settled.
It's worked beautifully.
I ran down the street as a kid and was hit over my dad's knee. I remember that clear as day. I don't remember realizing not to run off the property, all I recall is being hit.
Am I parent of the year? No. Have I lost control? Yes. Has DH? yes. Did we used to spank? yes. I just quickly realized that I get better results the other way and I have a perfectly behaved child. Either I'm very lucky or doing something right. Maybe a mix of both.
The bottom line is, find what works for you. I just personally think spanking/hitting never works the way we think or hope it will to discipline a child. We think kids probably don't want to be hit, so if we hit them, they will stop their behavior. But that's our ADULT way of thinking, not a kid's young mind, and we usually have to get on their level and adapt to their thinking in order to get the results that we want.
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:38 PM |
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nferrandi
too excited for words
Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
I am not opposed to spanking. My older DS is a tough kid- always has been, looks like he always will be. We have tried all different types of things with him, spanking being one of them. We also tried time outs, yelling, speaking to him about why what he was doing was wrong, etc... None of it worked. What we found was positive reinforcement worked best. We cycle through a lot of sticker charts, reward charts, marble jars, etc.. The last time he was spanked was probably at least 2 years ago. Is that to say he will never get one again? who knows.
My younger DS still thinks timeouts are a game. so far he responds to yelling. Will he get a spanking at some point? Probably. I also think knowing his personality, that one or two spankings would be very effective for him.
Every kid is different. And how we handle them needs to be adjusted based on what works.
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| Posted 6/5/12 9:42 PM |
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Crunchewy
LIF Adult
Member since 10/08 1232 total posts
Name:
A
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by cncforever
Without . ,
I see parents hitting their kids in stores to discipline them all the time. It sickens me. Kid's feelings get hurt more than the pain of being hit, they cry, they get told to stop crying (really?) and it never seems to stops their "bad" behavior. Parent gets stressed more, hits them again. Kid cries even more, and louder. Parent looks out of control, not the kid, and then everyone can put two and two together as to why their kid is acting like a fool.
I have yet to see a kid get a spanking and then quickly shape up. I only see them act worse shortly thereafter.
It's important to remember as a parent that kids have to be taught self control and it starts with how YOU react to THEM. Kids also get overtired easily and can act crazy just because they are exhausted, not out of being a little jerk. Kids don't wake up and say, "Hey, today I'm going to act like a little asshole and ruin dinner. Muahahahaha (evil laugh)" They are kids.
Anyway, naughty behavior (I never call it bad, because kids are what you say they are), so I call it naughty. A kid is not BAD if they act like, well, a kid!
I remain cool and calm and in control. I first gauge the situation - is my child tired and cranky right now? Then I either divert attention, then give warnings if they behavior doesn't stop (it usually does immediately if I point out my child is acting like a crankypants). If it gets worse (rare)... items/toys/priviliges are taken away and we then discuss cause and effect after things have settled.
It's worked beautifully.
I ran down the street as a kid and was hit over my dad's knee. I remember that clear as day. I don't remember realizing not to run off the property, all I recall is being hit.
Am I parent of the year? No. Have I lost control? Yes. Has DH? yes. Did we used to spank? yes. I just quickly realized that I get better results the other way and I have a perfectly behaved child. Either I'm very lucky or doing something right. Maybe a mix of both.
The bottom line is, find what works for you. I just personally think spanking/hitting never works the way we think or hope it will to discipline a child. We think kids probably don't want to be hit, so if we hit them, they will stop their behavior. But that's our ADULT way of thinking, not a kid's young mind, and we usually have to get on their level and adapt to their thinking in order to get the results that we want.
Thank you for writing that. I agree 100%.
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| Posted 6/5/12 10:24 PM |
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mamasita27
OHANA
Member since 8/07 5974 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Tina1117
Posted by ME75
that's a little extreme comment-so if my kid runs out into the busy road and i spank/hit him once to send the message that he better NEVER do that again i am abusing him????
well then i guess i abuse my children  in my experience i was periodicaly given a smack here or there when it was deserved and let me say that i got the message and NEVER did those things again. for my kids sometimes i do give a swift hit when they do something dangerous..and it works. i don't go around hitting my kids. my parents didn't go around hitting me but i knew it could happen and it always kept me in check which is NOT a bad thing.
This...I feel the same
ita
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| Posted 6/5/12 10:32 PM |
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MrsA1012
love my little girl !
Member since 9/10 5777 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by browneyedgirl
Spanking and hitting are the same, and in my book, completely wrong. I won't physically harm my child for ANY reason--there are so many other options I can employ to make my point. If I hit my child, how can I tell him "we don't hit" or "we don't hurt other people" when I just did it to him?? Completely hypocritical.
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| Posted 6/5/12 10:47 PM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
kudos to the CF-er who posted and ran, just in time to see us all self destruct. 
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| Posted 6/6/12 6:16 AM |
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ME75
Member since 10/06 4563 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by GioiaMia
kudos to the CF-er who posted and ran, just in time to see us all self destruct.
  great point!
yes i was thinking that too-and i took the bait! i rarely get into these types of posts b/c i know better but i did and i never will again. it's pointless!
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| Posted 6/6/12 7:19 AM |
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Kidsaplenty
Sister love
Member since 2/06 5971 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Ayne11
To get some ideas: If you don't hit or participate in time out; what are some consequences your child receives for bad behavior? What if talking to them doesn't do squat?
Well I give real solutions. I dont think time out or spanking work unless you explain to them what they did wrong and other ways to handle it! I will tell them no hitting but then I give them an idea of how to cope with their frustration appropriately.
Sometimes if theyre misbehaving I treat them like I am upset at them. I will say, "Mommy isnt speaking to you because I am upset with the way you behaved." Trust me, that one works every single time.
I am not an expert. I have six kids and I get compliments on their manners and good behavior everywhere I go. I also hage never laid a hand on them. It just shows that spanking isnt necessary in raising good kids.
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| Posted 6/6/12 8:25 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Kidsaplenty
Posted by Ayne11
To get some ideas: If you don't hit or participate in time out; what are some consequences your child receives for bad behavior? What if talking to them doesn't do squat?
Well I give real solutions. I dont think time out or spanking work unless you explain to them what they did wrong and other ways to handle it! I will tell them no hitting but then I give them an idea of how to cope with their frustration appropriately.
Sometimes if theyre misbehaving I treat them like I am upset at them. I will say, "Mommy isnt speaking to you because I am upset with the way you behaved." Trust me, that one works every single time.
I am not an expert. I have six kids and I get compliments on their manners and good behavior everywhere I go. I also hage never laid a hand on them. It just shows that spanking isnt necessary in raising good kids.
"mommy isnt speaking to you because I am upset with the way you behaved" works with an 18 month old or two year old?
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| Posted 6/6/12 9:07 AM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Kidsaplenty
Posted by Ayne11
To get some ideas: If you don't hit or participate in time out; what are some consequences your child receives for bad behavior? What if talking to them doesn't do squat?
Well I give real solutions. I dont think time out or spanking work unless you explain to them what they did wrong and other ways to handle it! I will tell them no hitting but then I give them an idea of how to cope with their frustration appropriately.
Sometimes if theyre misbehaving I treat them like I am upset at them. I will say, "Mommy isnt speaking to you because I am upset with the way you behaved." Trust me, that one works every single time.
I am not an expert. I have six kids and I get compliments on their manners and good behavior everywhere I go. I also hage never laid a hand on them. It just shows that spanking isnt necessary in raising good kids.
I agree. ..Im not a hitter and I see time outs being used totally wrong Which makes themm totally inaffective. My SIL puts her son in time out 10 times aday.. but it hasn't cahgned her behavior!!
When John is bad or not listening.. we remove him from the area and bring him to a quiet place where we calmly BUT STERNLY tell him we are not happy with yadda yadda yadda and we expect yadda yadda yaddda.. he then calms down almost immediately and we just talk and laugh. then we aks if he's ready to go back out and he says yes.. he apologizes and we hug and it's like nothing happened.
Message edited 6/6/2012 9:18:11 AM.
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| Posted 6/6/12 9:17 AM |
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lucyloo
nope
Member since 1/06 9758 total posts
Name:
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....
Message edited 3/8/2013 9:45:48 PM.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:18 AM |
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lucyloo
nope
Member since 1/06 9758 total posts
Name:
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....
Message edited 3/8/2013 9:45:02 PM.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:24 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by cncforever
I have yet to see a kid get a spanking and then quickly shape up. I only see them act worse shortly thereafter..
I've seen many a child shape up with the threat of a spank. It only takes a couple of spanks before most kid gets the message.
By spanking, I'm talking about spanking on the butt not full on spanking in a rage. I'm assuming we're all in agreement that spanking in a rage (even if we've done it) isn't healthy for any child.
As a BTDT, I'm wondering for the non-spanking parents, how old are their kids?
I ask because with a 8 month old, a 2 year old, even a 3 year old, I couldn't see spanking as an option. In fact, I remember having a full out argument with DH that I would leave him if he even considered striking our children. There are many things I learned as a parent (and pre-Bieber), the most important one is "never say never." You will adjust your parenting view many times. Dropping my infant off at a relative's house, my expectation was they would follow my parenting theories, my rules, etc. As my kids are older, I'm just hoping to have them back in the same shape I dropped them off, limbs attached.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:27 AM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Thanks for the replies! I think telling my DS what the consequences are for his bad behavior and actually following through on them is going to be key! 
Message edited 6/6/2012 10:31:37 AM.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:30 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Ayne11
I think telling my DS what the consequences are for his bad behavior and actually following through on them is going to be key!
I think this is the key for any poor behavior. If they think you're going to back out on what you threatened, it will have little meaning.
More importantly, don't threaten something you can't follow through on "If you don't x, we're going to leave this party." & then stay.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:40 AM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by Ayne11
I think telling my DS what the consequences are for his bad behavior and actually following through on them is going to be key!
I think this is the key for any poor behavior. If they think you're going to back out on what you threatened, it will have little meaning.
More importantly, don't threaten something you can't follow through on "If you don't x, we're going to leave this party." & then stay.
Oh I would never LOl DH & I are on the same page with that one, even if it's at our parents house. I know we'll get push back from our family, but we have to follow through.
I remember once my mom threatened and followed through on that threat, and I always thought twice going forward when she warned me. It's very effective.
My SIL's were the queens of not following through. My FIL always used to tease them and say "You're reasoning with a 4 year old"
Message edited 6/6/2012 10:45:26 AM.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:44 AM |
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Ayne11
Thanks for the replies! I think telling my DS what the consequences are for his bad behavior and actually following through on them is going to be key!
Not that what I say means anything as far as parenting, but I think that the fact that you are already planning discipline tactics means you will do a good job and will probably never have to spank your son.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:55 AM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
Name:
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by cncforever
Posted by Ayne11
Thanks for the replies! I think telling my DS what the consequences are for his bad behavior and actually following through on them is going to be key!
Not that what I say means anything as far as parenting, but I think that the fact that you are already planning discipline tactics means you will do a good job and will probably never have to spank your son.
Why thank you!
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:56 AM |
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hotsauce345
my love, my life, my son
Member since 1/09 4169 total posts
Name:
Melody
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by nrthshgrl
Posted by cncforever
I have yet to see a kid get a spanking and then quickly shape up. I only see them act worse shortly thereafter..
I've seen many a child shape up with the threat of a spank. It only takes a couple of spanks before most kid gets the message.
By spanking, I'm talking about spanking on the butt not full on spanking in a rage. I'm assuming we're all in agreement that spanking in a rage (even if we've done it) isn't healthy for any child.
As a BTDT, I'm wondering for the non-spanking parents, how old are their kids?
I ask because with a 8 month old, a 2 year old, even a 3 year old, I couldn't see spanking as an option. In fact, I remember having a full out argument with DH that I would leave him if he even considered striking our children. There are many things I learned as a parent (and pre-Bieber), the most important one is "never say never." You will adjust your parenting view many times. Dropping my infant off at a relative's house, my expectation was they would follow my parenting theories, my rules, etc. As my kids are older, I'm just hoping to have them back in the same shape I dropped them off, limbs attached.
mine is only 11 months. But I feel very strongly about it because I know how I was raised and it didn't work. My husband was also hit and claims he's all for it. As of right now and the near future I refuse and will not allow it. I know people change their tune sometimes as children grow and things change...but I plan on trying my hardest to exhaust the many other options before resorting to hitting. Thats the PLAN. It won't be easy at times I'm sure...but the easiest option isn't always the best one. It takes self control but I'm willing to do my best. If I succeed at it...I will have shown my son that problems can be resolved without violence and taught him how to communicate better...so it's worth it to me to put that effort in.
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| Posted 6/6/12 10:57 AM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: Poll about spanking for the parents
Posted by Kidsaplenty
Sometimes if they're misbehaving I treat them like I am upset at them. I will say, "Mommy isn't speaking to you because I am upset with the way you behaved." Trust me, that one works every single time.
This method NEVER worked for us until DS turned about 8. DD is 6, and that method doesn't work at all with her.
Not all kids respond the same way to the same things. Time-outs NEVER worked with us. They would sit there much longer than we told them to. We followed all the steps the "experts" said to do.
Some DC are just more stubborn and determined than most. If your DC responds to your methods, then that is awesome. Not all kids will, and to assume that all kids will respond the same way to the same methods is naive. There are 7 billion people on the planet right now. Not all 7 billion will behave the same.
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| Posted 6/6/12 11:00 AM |
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