Really need some insight

This is a really sensitive topic and I even considered making up a fake name, but figured why bother. This is life.
Here is the story, DH and I got called into the principals office to discuss something "sensitive" that happened on the bus. Apparently DS, who just started kindergarten and is still 4 years old, was sitting next to a girl who is in the first grade. The mother had cone to school very upset that my son was bothering her on the bus. He was poking her, trying to kiss her, etc... And apparently two older boys were egging him on. They were talking about inappropriate touch. They said they were somewhat forgiving of it because DS had been very forthcoming about what had happened and he didn't seem to know he had done anything so wrong. They said it was a good opportunity for us to talk to him about good touch, bad touch. Remind him he has to keep his hands to himself, etc... Obviously, DH and I were really upset. We talked to DS, I went and bought some new books about bullying, treating peole kindly, that type of thing. The school saw the video from the bus and said that yes, DS was definitely bothering her. On the video you can see the girl leaning away from him, saying stop. They could see no inappropriate touching. And at no point did she seem very upset, in danger, and was not crying. So to us, this was more bullying, annoying in nature then sexual. I mean he's 4. He doesn't even know about sex.
Ok, so the school separated all if the kids involved and they have assigned seats on the bus now. DH and I took the whole thing very seriously and stressed to DS how big of a deal thus all was.
Well yesterday I get a call from the police department! This mom went to the station and filed a report. Now I completely understand her trying to protect her Dd, but I really thought the school handled it very appropriately. This little girl has been riding the bus everyday since this happened on Monday, so she is obviously not fearful for her Dd safety. I can't for the life of me understand why she needed to go to the police?! I am heartbroken that my son now has a record on file. Like I said, he's 4! After talking to the officer about how we had been handling it at hone, he came right out and said that he agrees that she is taking it too far.
I just don't know what else to do at this point. Am I completely wrong for thinking the mom is taking this overboard? DS even said that even though he doesntbsit near the girl, she does say hi to him. I just feel like this was a very unfortunate situation that should never have happened, my DS was in the wrong for sure. But the police, really?!

Re: Really need some insight

wow...i think the school definitely handled it appropriately, you and your DH did a great job and the police are NOT necessary. will this really go on your DS's file? Maybe you should talk to a lawyer to see if this can be wiped clean. sorry you're going through this.

Re: Really need some insight

Re: Really need some insight

i cant believe she went to the cops. Maybe maybe i would understand if your son def. touched her in a way shouldnt have been touch, but even then i would think i would get CPS invovled before the cops cause my first thought would be where is he learning this.

Its not like at 4 he would know its a bad thing to do.

But to be honets i dont even *think* i would go that far. esp. since the school handeled it very well.

If it happen mulitple times after that then i would probably feel different.

Sorry you are going thru this

Re: Really need some insight

I think the school handled it the right way and think involving the cops is completely unecessary.

I don't understand what more this mother wants to see happen?

The school has taken steps to seperate all parties involved. The video showed there was no inappropriate touching.

I think this is someone who just wants to cause problems.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this

Re: Really need some insight

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. As others have said, I think the school, and you guys have handled this in the best way possible.

What can the mother even file? Especially bc the video did not show any inappropriate touching. Did the police only have to investigate, and then the whole thing can be squashed, and nothing go on file?

I feel for you. I couldn't even imagine going through this. This is your baby, and he is still so young. If I were you, I would go up to the school and talk to them about this. Just make sure you are both on the same side.

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In fairness, because DS is so little, they couldn't see exactly what he was doing. They could tell he was bothering her, but couldn't see over the seat. DS had told them he touched her leg, but I believe that was more so because of proximity them him trying to make any kind of sexual advance.
Like someone else said, I'm just not sure what the mother was trying to accomplish by going to the police. Did she want my 4 year old pulled out of class in cuffs? We have even explained to DS that the police called asking about what had happened and he needs to be on his very best behavior at school and on the bus. We have talked to him to the point of scaring him, and I almost feel like it's unfair to him at this point. But we just don't know what else to do. I feel like now I have to be on the lookout for CPS showing up at my house.

Re: Really need some insight

Posted by IansMommy23

wow...i think the school definitely handled it appropriately, you and your DH did a great job and the police are NOT necessary. will this really go on your DS's file? Maybe you should talk to a lawyer to see if this can be wiped clean. sorry you're going through this.

Re: Really need some insight

Posted by BriBri2u

I think the school handled it the right way and think involving the cops is completely unecessary.

I don't understand what more this mother wants to see happen?

The school has taken steps to seperate all parties involved. The video showed there was no inappropriate touching.

I think this is someone who just wants to cause problems.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this

Re: Really need some insight

Want2be a mom- when I spoke to the officer he said that initially he was going to set up a meeting with DH and I but after talking to me he could clearly see that was unneccesary. He said that he had to call as s follow up to her filing, but the report was going to state that we were handling things at home appropriately and that was going to be the end of it. He also said that DS name was not in the report, but I don't know how true or untrue that is.
As for school, I called them after the officer called me. They said until the police showed up at school to yak to them, they weren't aware she had any intentions of filing a report. They kept saying to me that DH and I are doing everything right in handling it at home. I think at this point they're starting to feel bad for DS even though he wasn't the "victim" here.

Re: Really need some insight

Posted by blu6385

i cant believe she went to the cops. Maybe maybe i would understand if your son def. touched her in a way shouldnt have been touch, but even then i would think i would get CPS invovled before the cops cause my first thought would be where is he learning this.

Its not like at 4 he would know its a bad thing to do.

But to be honets i dont even *think* i would go that far. esp. since the school handeled it very well.

If it happen mulitple times after that then i would probably feel different.

Sorry you are going thru this

Re: Really need some insight

Posted by Maria31

Posted by blu6385

i cant believe she went to the cops. Maybe maybe i would understand if your son def. touched her in a way shouldnt have been touch, but even then i would think i would get CPS invovled before the cops cause my first thought would be where is he learning this.

Its not like at 4 he would know its a bad thing to do.

But to be honets i dont even *think* i would go that far. esp. since the school handeled it very well.

If it happen mulitple times after that then i would probably feel different.

Sorry you are going thru this

You would really get CPS involved with something like this?

He is FOUR. He had no idea what he was doing!

I think you and your DH handled this appropriately and so did the school. To go to the police about a FOUR YEAR OLD is absolutely ridiculous! Could this really go on his record? I would just talk to a lawyer and see what you can do, if anything. As for this mother, I understand she wants to protect her daughter, but they are so young that things like this happen! If the video showed that there was no inappropriate touching, then what did she report? Such an unfortunate situation.

So sorry you are dealing with this!

Message edited 9/23/2011 9:21:32 AM.

Re: Really need some insight

Is that mom for real???? The police????? He's FOUR!!!!!! That is absolutely INSANE!!!! I would be SO furious. I too think the school handled it appropriately. I think the mother of the little girl is taking it WAAAAAAAY too far. This isn't high school, it's elementary school. These kids are still babies. I am so disgusted for you, I think that is terrible they would get the police involved. What is wrong with some parents???!!!!!!

Re: Really need some insight

wow I am shocked!!! That mom took it to far absolutely. I remember in kindergarten there was a boy on the bus who liked me and he tried to kiss me one day, I went home and told my parents and my dad was furious. They called the school and bus company and everyone just made sure we never sat together. He never bothered me after that so i think his parents probably talked to him too. I think you and the school handled it so appropriately

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I am so glad it's not just me. I was thinking maybe I was wrong and only thinking if it from our point of view. I'm glad to hear moms of girls saying the mom is going too far.
And for the record, I don't think anyone on here is saying/thinking my child is being molested. He most certainly is not. But that is not to say that DH and I havent been asking ourselves where he gets this stuff from. I honestly dont think it has a source. He is just body curious and we've always tried to answer questions and explain different body parts to him. He likes girls. In his mind he was showing her that he liked her. He definitely went about it in the wrong way, but in talking to him, he truly just didn't get that he had done anything wrong. We had to really break it down for him.

Re: Really need some insight

This little girl's mother needs a GAB.

What ever happened to children being innocent beings? 4 year olds are not sexually motivated. They're curious, they like to explore things, push limits etc.

The situation was handled appropriately by the school and the OP. Going to the police AFTER the situation had been dealt appropriately and resolved just screams troublemaker to me, a troublemaker who just won't quit without "vindication". Involving the police was just so absurd (not to mention, a waste of police resources.. let them do their jobs, you do YOUR job as a parent). I wonder what this wench's next move will be? Sue you? CPS? I feel bad for this girl's future teachers... and friends!

OP, so sorry you and your family have to deal with this garbage.

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For the posters who said that her DS is 4 and doesn't know what he is doing, and I feel that HER DS didn't know what he was doing, but if a 4 y/o was abused himself at home, he could have known what he was doing. And that's just a sad fact in todays world.

I don't believe her son did know what he was doing and was being egged on by the older kids.

Re: Really need some insight

Is it possible there was more touching going on than you were told? Did you ask your son exactly where he touched her? Since you said they couldn't see in the video, I wonder if the girl told her mother it was MORE than what you thought it was? (not saying that your son touched her more than what was said...but the girl could be saying that)

I can say without a doubt if someone touched my child inappropriately, I would be filing a report also (to have it on record, not necessarily to have a child arrested!). However, if this was just "poking" on non-private parts, I think she went to far.

Message edited 9/23/2011 9:58:29 AM.

Re: Really need some insight

First, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

Secondly, this mom is NUTS! What does she want? Your 4 year old in jail????

Look, I am very sensitive when it comes to stuff being done to girls...I have two. In fact, my dad just told me yesterday my nephew was called into the principal/parents called because he and another boy (9 years old) were holding down an 8 year old girl on the bus and pulling clips out of her hair, etc. My blood was boiling hearing this story about my OWN nephew. I'm thinking, 'If that were MY daughter... .' But your story is absolutely ridiculous. Wow! I really am speechless.

Re: Really need some insight

Sorry you’re dealing with this..

But as a mother of a little girl, yes I can see how this mother could have done this. Altho it may not have been the choice I would have made, I can somewhat understand. Kids are coming from all sorts of backgrounds and being raised so differently. If a parent is over protective or maybe there’s other things going on at home or perhaps the mother herself was a subject of inappropriate bullying, we don’t know.

I think there’s more to her story than just over-reacting.

Saddest part is the kids are the ones who suffer. I think what you’ve done is all you can do. I am pretty positive the child’s name is not included on the report and I doubt your son as a ‘record’.

I have friends with kids older than AJ 5, 11, 13, etc and yes, I hear that police are often and commonly called. Its the society we live in. More parents are taking drastic measure to protect their children, set a precedence and point fingers at all child interactions if they even slightly look like bullying.

Hopefully this will be the end of it and everyone can move on. Shame that this is how the year started. Worse the kids who egged your son on are not held responsible for their actions at all. Ugh, peer pressure!

Message edited 9/23/2011 9:57:07 AM.

Re: Really need some insight

Posted by blu6385

i cant believe she went to the cops. Maybe maybe i would understand if your son def. touched her in a way shouldnt have been touch, but even then i would think i would get CPS invovled before the cops cause my first thought would be where is he learning this.

Its not like at 4 he would know its a bad thing to do.

But to be honets i dont even *think* i would go that far. esp. since the school handeled it very well.

If it happen mulitple times after that then i would probably feel different.

Sorry you are going thru this

Re: Really need some insight

this makes me livid. what the HELL is wrong with people? just like i can't stand all the "oh i would call CPS" posts on here, THIS just enrages me.

i honestly don't know what i would do. those parents would probably have to go back to the precinct and get a restraining order from me.

i am so sorry you have to deal with this stupidity, seriously, some people just have no common sense...

Re: Really need some insight

THE POLICE??!! At 4 years old?? That to me is totally ridiculous. And this coming from the very over protective mother of a little girl. Yes, I would have gotten the school involved, but this is a gross overreaction. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I can imagine how upsetting it is. Like you said, he doesn't even know about sex yet, doesn't fully realize the meaning of "private parts," in that they are sexualized, so no doubt he was probably just trying to bait her in that pestering kiddie way.

I wish I had good advice for you..I don't know what I'd do in your shoes, but just wanted to offer hugs and support.

Re: Really need some insight

Re: Really need some insight

Wow, this is crazy to me!!!

I definitely think calling the cops is a major over reaction, your DS is FOUR!!!!!!!