Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I'm actually quite surprised that so many of us have our parents paying most of the time.

How do you feel about it?

Definitely not trying to cause drama. Just answer honestly.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I feel totally fine about when my parents pay for dinner. My father would NEVER have me pay..he can very easily afford it and would never take my money (save for his bday, moms bday, father days etc)

I do treat my mom if its her and I, but my dad would just never have it...maybe if it were jUST us two but not when its the family

Message edited 5/11/2009 11:52:13 AM.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Well, in private I like to help my parents in any way that I can. But in public, they are very proud and love to be able to help their children, so it is not something I really would fight them on. Plus it is much appreciated!

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Thank goodness both my parents and in-laws do well enough that they can afford to take us out and they really enjoy it. Plus, sometimes the places they pick are pricey anyway. LOL! Yes, for occasions like anniv, bdays, etc we will pay, but they take joy in taking us out and spending the time with us so we're not going to fight it.

When my inlaws take us away to their timeshare we will take them out as a thank you and we're also good gift-givers.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I don't see any issue with it. A parent will always feel that way towards their child, where they want to take care of them and treat them - it's instinctual, no matter what age their children. And in my age group (early to mid thirties), most people I know aren't doing as well, financially, as their parents. I know that when Alex is my age, if I'm doing sufficiently well, financially, I will always offer to pay for dinner, and help her out in other ways. That's why I work so hard - so I can enjoy the fruits of my labor and enrich my own children's lives.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

As much as they'd like to pay all the time, we really don't allow it and like to split it. Although they are in a much better place, we certainly are not hurting and I feel for everything else they have done and still do for us, we can pay our share. Dad was really miffed this weekend cause it was Mom's b-day and my sister and I (and DH's) split the whole bill. He was not amused!! I mean, we have to eat anyway!!
Once in a while we'll get a call and are told ahead of time, their treat...so we only think it's fair to treat them when we can too!

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

When we are with my parents they always pay. The few times we have gone out with the inlaws as a group either the kids pay for them or we all pay for ourselves.

I think as parents you automatically want to provide for your children and take care of them. This is how we will be with our son as he gets older. I would never want him to pay for anything for me.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I don't think I even responded to my own thread. My ILs ALWAYS pay. Even yesterday, we went out for Mother's Day and they refused to let us pay. My Dad usually pays, but he can barely pay his own bills, so soemtimes when it's just us he will let me pay.

I don't see an issue with it. My ILs have the money so it's not like they're going to be broke by picking up the tab. And I honestly will prob be the same way with our kids, so long as we can afford to be that way. I do it now with my younger sister. Whenever we go somewhere I pick up the tab or pay for what she needs because she's younger and doesn't have as much money as DH and I do. I think it's just natural to want to take care of your kids.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I never really thought about it- its just how its done in my family- my grandparents still pay for my parents whenever we go anywhere- unless its mothers day/fathers day- but even then my grandfather never wanted anyone to pay- it was his pleasure to take us out

Its different with dh's family- he usually pays for his mom and sister when we go out- but we can afford to and they cant and I know he likes to be able to do that for them

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

does anyone feel like they should pay or try to pay?

personally, I feel that I need to pay my way and treat them. They have done so much for us growing up, I feel that since I can, I should.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

My IL's do very well and it truly makes them happy to take us out. They also do things like take all the kids, spouses, and grandkids on family vacations or will rent a big house on LBI and have everyone down. They really like doing things like that and they can well afford it.

We have them over for dinner a lot and we also take them to nice places whenever there is an occasion, or last year DH and I threw MIL's bday party.

If there was any hardship DH and I would never be ok with it, which is why we are always paying when we go somewhere with my mom or brother and his girlfriend. It would be nice to get a thank you now and then but that's another story.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

This is how I look at it, as well as why my parents do it.

They always joke and say, I make more $ than you do

They always tell me, us...that they want to see us get ahead so taking care of things like a dinner is nothing for them to do.

I also do things in return...like big vacations, pick up groceries etc. I dont ASK for $ in return. Its kind of the give/take in both directions.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Our parents foot the bill often but there's usual a fight (not a mean one) over who should pay.

Sometimes they'll relent and let us pay other times they'll let us pay the tip.

But most of the time they insist on paying. It sometimes bothers me and my husband, when that happens we insist on paying and they oblige.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I am indifferent to it.

She pays most of the time b/c we ALWAYS talk about work therefore she should put it on the company charge (we own the business). She doesn't like to do that but, seriously, the business consumes our dinner conversation.

When we (DH and I) specifically ask her out - we pay.

eta: I never feel like I owe my parents monetarily - my dad's passed, so I help my mom as often as I can - she's sick so I do a lot of housework for her. I certainly wouldn't give her money to try and "repay" her. I think just our mutual respect, love, and friendship covers it all.

Message edited 5/11/2009 12:25:24 PM.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

OMG - me and my DH get into this argument alot, in fact yesterday - what a timely post! MY parents would never accept a dime from me or my sisters. There could be all of us at dinner - 8 adults + kids and my parents would never take a dime. My DH's parents always want to go out to eat for holidays, but never pay! It annoys me b/c my DH ends up paying for his parents, sister and BIL. They never open their wallets - i just find it rude. Maybe I am the one that is rude, but I am so used to my parents and my grandparents paying just b/c they all would never accept a dime from their kids. We just got in this fight yesterday about this.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I always try to pay or at least leave the tip, my father gets highly insulted. and my dh stepfather would never have it either.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

My mom stopped paying for me when I became an adult and could work and pay for things on my own. She doesn't have alot of money so I would never expect her to pay for me, she's done enough for me and my siblings and still does.

I don't think it's instinctual to provide for your children when their in their mid-twenties and above. My mother could not afford to provide for all of us at that age and why should she? We're adults and can take care of ourselves. If we couldn't because of job loss, injury, etc., than of course she would do whatever she had to to help us.

Not saying that those of you whose parents pay cannot take care of yourselves, I'm sure you can and their just being generous. Just saying that I don't think it's instinctual.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I was really shocked by a lot of the answers as well. Like if my parents watch our cat during a long trip we take them out for $$$ dinner. It's cheaper then boarding him for 2 weeks! If we go and spend the weekend at my MIL's house upstate we will take her out for a nice dinner. It's nice being able to give back for all the wonderful things they do for us

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

I get what you are saying Susan. My parents & Ils always pay. They won't ever let us. I tipped a bartmeder for my FIL's drink only b/c my FIL didn't have change & I was so excited to actually pay for something for him.

My mother won't even let me pay for phone calls. She hangs up on me & calls me back.

My mother even brings a few groceries when she visits, which is sweet, but not necessary & I tell her this all the time.

I remind her that we have repayed our college loans & have jobs. We are not destitute!

I try to do what I can, but I have told my husband that when my father retires I won't let them pay for things anymore. I think I will be able to use his fixed income to my advantage!

Message edited 5/11/2009 1:04:22 PM.

Re: Spin off to who pays (dinner)

YOU try getting my parents to allow us to pay for dinner. It causes a scene every. single. time.

Message edited 5/11/2009 2:42:16 PM.