This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I hate to post this, but I just have to... as Alex nears 5 years old, I'm starting to observe some playground behavior that I'm finding truly disturbing. Specifically, I'm noticing that there really seems to be a divide developing amongst the little girls into the nice ones, and the downright mean ones. And what I'm noticing more and more, is just outright vicious behavior and comments by some. Best example I can give is our weekend in NYC this past weekend - we hung out with one of Alex's cousins, and Shelly and her daughter Jordy.

Jordy, OMG, what a little sweetheart with a kind, thoughtful and giving disposition. But, Alex's cousin, Emily, OMG, she was downright mean to Alex. She refused to share, she would tell Alex she didn't want to be friends with her, when Alex would ask to play with her, she would say no, and walk away, and even one time when Alex told Emily to watch her do something cool, Emily responded with, "that's not cool, that's stupid". Or another girl that Alex plays all the time with, who just the other day came over, and when Alex ran over to her to give her a hug, she retorted "I'm here to play with Yael, not you, I don't like you."

Now, granted, I understand all kids have their moments when they are tired or hungry, and yes, even my little Alex can be a monster during those times. But, aside from those moments, I really am starting to observe general "personality" trends developing at this age. I mean, even DH noticed the behavior this weekend, and at one point, turned to me and basically said WTH? This, from the man who never notices anything!

Am I the only one here? Does it really start THIS young? It really breaks my heart because growing up, I was never the mean girl, I was the dork who was always bullied and teased relentlessly, and I'm starting to see that Alex is much like me in this regard. She takes it so personally and gets so upset, and for some reason, she really seems to have become a target for some of this behavior... my instinct is to protect her like a mother bear, but I know I can't do that, and that the worst thing I can do is to intervene

Message edited 5/17/2010 8:18:07 AM.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I can honestly say that yes, it does start this young. This is one of my biggest fears, if I were to have a girl,.

I can give you a specific example:

When I was in college, I started working in the childcare industry, and I spent a lot of time in the 3 year old class. There was a little girl, sitting alone, and then a group of maybe 3 to 4 girls playing across the classroom. Keep in mind, the girl alone, was the most beautiful little girl, she never was girly girl, because she did not have a mom , but she was so goregous, and the sweetest child you could ever speak to....

So, I walked up to the girl who was alone, and I asked her why she wasn't playing with the other girls until daddy picked her up She told me "They said no, because I don't wear dresses."

They actually WOULD NOT LET HER PLAY, BECAUSE SHE DIDN"T WEAR FANCY DRESSES TO PRE-SCHOOL!!! It made me sick.

So, yes, I absolutely believe that little girls can be cruel, and it does start very young.

also think that you can intervene, if you want to. You can tell Alex that Emily isn't acting the way you like her to act...etc? It is just terrible, and Emily sounds like real b i t c h y kid!!!

Message edited 5/17/2010 8:49:51 AM.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I can't imagine how frustating that is to watch.
Kids can be mean,I remember that I was the one made fun of in my early childhood years.
I would just be happy that Alex is the sweet sensitive girl that she is.... and I'm sorry, I have no advice in how to deal with the "mean girls" except to tell Alex how wonderful she is constantly... which I'm sure you already do.
It is sad that children can be mean so young

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I'm kind of on the fence...not that I think that behavior is acceptable at all but in the way that those little girl may be finding their ability to make decisions and affect those around them. And saying things like that has the most profound and immediate affect. Kids are brutally honest about all things and unless there are adults to guide what behavior is appropriate and what is not, these behaviors just escalate. I do think it starts this young but I don't think it's indicative of who that little girl will become.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

"I'm here to play with Yael, not you, I don't like you."


***********************************

Ok...This is not being honest...this is a comment, made by a child that was intentionally said to hurt a little girl...it is just awful...and I agree with a pp, the best thing you can do here, is continue to reinforce to Alex, that there are people out there who are not always going to be nice...etc, and how wonderful and fabulous, and how much she is loved..which you do all the time!!!!

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

It's not just with girls, I notice it with boys too.

My DS who just turned 4 last month just started with "I'm not your friend Danijela(DD)" and I HATE it. I usually make him apologize and tell him if he keeps it up he won't have any friends because that is mean and hurts there feelings. I asked him were he learned it from and he told me the boys name in school. I also noticed that he says it to one of the boys at the gym when we go who is 3. Now, the 3 year old is definitely a handful and had his share of time outs there, but it still doesn't make it right for my DS to say it. That he says that to DS. Now, this boy has 2 older sisters who are 6 & 8 I believe so I am sure he picks it up from them.

It is really frustrating because I don't want my kids to think that it is ok. How do you discipline something like that?

I am sorry that had to happen to Alex.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

this makes me want to cry....so sad

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I agree it is boys and girls both. I think the 3-6 age group is the REALLY honest age and where the kids need serious direction from parents to get them to understand actions/reactions/feelings etc.

My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.

Once they are 7+ ..kids can much better understand feelings and tend to start the questioning phases vs. the just say anything phase. If they are mean then, it IS mean.

All that said, I have seen IMO kids are becoming so much more mature then ever before and with that tends to come a certain attitude of ME ME ME ....and that's when Parents these days need to seriously understand and play a BIG part in teaching children.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

This is something that I am truly dreading. My kids are 4 and almost 3 and I have not seen this happen to them yet, but it is just heartbreaking to hear this kind of stuff.

And if it was my child who was making those mean comments, I would be MORTIFIED.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I hate to admit it and its killing me to write this my i think my 7 yr old dd is becoming a "mean" girl. Infact we had an incident just this weekend. My dd and her two other friends were playing outside, another little girl from around the corner came over and asked to play with my dd and her two friends, well my dd and the other girls told the little girl "your not our friend, we dont want to play with you". The little girl went running home crying. I immediatly pulled my dd aside and told her i dont ever want to hear that again and to go apologize. She did apologize and all the girls ended playing and having a great time. I thought problem solved, i was WRONG. Just this morning i bring my dd to school. I see a little girl waving to my dd and screaming " hi hailey, good morning". My dd ignores her and pretends not to see her and walks right past her. I pulled my dd aside and asked her why she didnt say hello back, my dd tells me "shes in first grade, im in second, i cant say hello to her". Im ashamed and astounded at her behavior. I dont know where she is picking this up. When i was in school, i was FAR from being a mean girl, infact i was the shy quiet girl. I would love to know how to stop her attitude now while shes 7.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.
***************************************************************

I really hate to do this, but in no way is it age appropriate to do say any of these things. A 4 year old absolutely knows better. I don't want to start something, but this really got me.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Posted by twobabies

I hate to admit it and its killing me to write this my i think my 7 yr old dd is becoming a "mean" girl. Infact we had an incident just this weekend. My dd and her two other friends were playing outside, another little girl from around the corner came over and asked to play with my dd and her two friends, well my dd and the other girls told the little girl "your not our friend, we dont want to play with you". The little girl went running home crying. I immediatly pulled my dd aside and told her i dont ever want to hear that again and to go apologize. She did apologize and all the girls ended playing and having a great time. I thought problem solved, i was WRONG. Just this morning i bring my dd to school. I see a little girl waving to my dd and screaming " hi hailey, good morning". My dd ignores her and pretends not to see her and walks right past her. I pulled my dd aside and asked her why she didnt say hello back, my dd tells me "shes in first grade, im in second, i cant say hello to her". Im ashamed and astounded at her behavior. I dont know where she is picking this up. When i was in school, i was FAR from being a mean girl, infact i was the shy quiet girl. I would love to know how to stop her attitude now while shes 7.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

A person's core personality is supposedly formed by the age of 7. So I am not surprised when you say you see those traits already. I saw it all the time when I taught 1st grade. You could really tell who had a mean streak. Even in my 3 year old class now I am starting to see how some children treat others in a harsh manner. I think certain things could just be innate and the person is just pre programmed to be a certain way but the vast majority has to come form learning it from someone. (Parent's other kids, tv, etc..)

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Message edited 5/17/2010 9:29:39 AM.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Ages 3-4 is when children are first learning about true empathy for others. It is SO important we start then to teach to our children that their words and actions can HURT others. I'm trying desperately to teach Maddie that the power to hurt is nowhere near as nice as the power to make someone feel good.

Just like we teach our young toddlers that hitting is "sad", we need to teach them that hurting with words is just as "sad" (we use the word "sad" rather than "bad") and we must give them the appropriate words to use.

As for the PP with the older DD- I would keep talking with your DD. Perhaps talk to your school guidance counselor about some tips to guide her in the right direction.

Working in an elementary school I am astounded at how early children are learning to exclude others and about the "power in numbers" mentality.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

I don't have any suggestions- but I have already found myself feeling terrible for my DD. She is 3 and wants to be everyone's friend. My DH and I are both pretty shy- and I wonder if she is wired that way too because it takes a lot for her to approach kids.

But lately she's been putting herself out there and a few kids have been SO rude to her- mostly kids who are a little older who I feel should know better. And often their parents are standing right there. Not that all kids should want to play with her- but if she says hi, would it kill them to say hi back, instead of looking at her like she has a hole in her head?

I told DH that she will never be allowed to be rude to another kid when we are around.

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"

Posted by MAC222

I can honestly say that yes, it does start this young. This is one of my biggest fears, if I were to have a girl,.

I can give you a specific example:

When I was in college, I started working in the childcare industry, and I spent a lot of time in the 3 year old class. There was a little girl, sitting alone, and then a group of maybe 3 to 4 girls playing across the classroom. Keep in mind, the girl alone, was the most beautiful little girl, she never was girly girl, because she did not have a mom , but she was so goregous, and the sweetest child you could ever speak to....

So, I walked up to the girl who was alone, and I asked her why she wasn't playing with the other girls until daddy picked her up She told me "They said no, because I don't wear dresses."

They actually WOULD NOT LET HER PLAY, BECAUSE SHE DIDN"T WEAR FANCY DRESSES TO PRE-SCHOOL!!! It made me sick.

So, yes, I absolutely believe that little girls can be cruel, and it does start very young.

also think that you can intervene, if you want to. You can tell Alex that Emily isn't acting the way you like her to act...etc? It is just terrible, and Emily sounds like real b i t c h y kid!!!

Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"