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wowcoulditbe
wow, pic is already 1 yr old!!
Member since 1/06 6689 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I have a girl (well, two but one old enough to deal with this) and luckily she is so sweet but it breaks my heart to see and hear what some of the "meaner" (lack of a better word) say sometimes, it makes you want to hug your child and hold them tight forever, but unfortunately its a mean world out there too - we mostly focus on that they say things and its "their choice" and then we talk about how she felt/would feel, etc.....its a tough situation...
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Posted 5/17/10 9:59 AM  |
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maybesoon
LIF Adult
Member since 9/09 5981 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by MAC222
My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.
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I really hate to do this, but in no way is it age appropriate to do say any of these things. A 4 year old absolutely knows better. I don't want to start something, but this really got me.
ITA , I think part of the issue may be parents making these type of excuses for their child. If I heard my LO say that to someone, he/she would be sitting in the house punished. 4 years old, they absolutely know when they are saying something that is not nice.
poor Alex  It must be so hard to see kids being nasty to your LO
Message edited 5/17/2010 10:39:23 AM.
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| Posted 5/17/10 10:00 AM |
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dm24angel
Happiness
Member since 5/05 34581 total posts
Name:
Donna
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by maybesoon
Posted by MAC222
My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.
***************************************************************
I really hate to do this, but in no way is it age appropriate to do say any of these things. A 4 year old absolutely knows better. I don't want to start something, but this really got me.
ITA , I think part of the issue may be parents making these type of excuses for their child. If I heard my LO say that to someone, he/she would be sitting in the house punished. 4 years old, they absolutely know when they are saying something that is not nice.
poor Alex It must be so hard to see kids being nasty to your LO
Woah.."these type of excuses"?
Its not an excuse. It's based on a real understanding of childhood behavior.
I didn't say it was an excuse. I said this is the functioning of a 4 yr old brain and the parents role ( IMO) is to TEACH them what is wrong about it.
I thought I clearly explained that.
Where we differ is only in when we think a child " gets it".
If you tell a child, That is wrong, you should know better, you are punished, all they learn is that they are punished ....IMO, explaining why it hurts in terms they understand is the more appropriate response. To say they " know" is not always true, b/c this behavior just starts then ( usually) , so you likely have no previous experience with it , nor any experience teaching them right or wrong until THEN.
I think I am just in the school of really needing to understand how a child behaves and making sure you are teaching them how to respond. to prevent this "mean girl" stuff which is really becoming a problem today.
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| Posted 5/17/10 11:04 AM |
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MST9106
My life:)
Member since 6/06 9589 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
This is absolutely heartbreaking But unfortunately, this is the age where it all starts...it is so important for parents to intervene and teach the children. I always follow my son on the playground and when I see him either hogging the slide or being rude, I always make him apologize and I talk to him about being polite, considerate and nice to other children. It is the nature of their behavior at that age, yes, but it is also nurture...parents need to be involved and monitor their behavior.
ETA: Some children exhibit that leader behavior, which is great, but I think its important to teach them that yes, they can be leaders but that they also have to be nice and respectful of others.
Message edited 5/17/2010 11:15:23 AM.
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| Posted 5/17/10 11:13 AM |
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beautyq115
New Year!
Member since 5/05 13729 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I am petrified of this especially with two girls I tell you home schooling is looking really good
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| Posted 5/17/10 11:14 AM |
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ARIELSMOM
Love my Babes
Member since 8/05 5889 total posts
Name:
MEREDITH
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Yes- it starts young. Kids are mean- meaner than ever before. Everything is a competition, who's cooler, better, nicer hair, clothes, faster, got the better electronics- its ridiculous! my DD is in 4th grade & the principle & school psych had to meet with the entire grade for the 2nd time this year about bulling and being hurtful/mean. i find that girls are worse than boys at this age & its a real struggle for the kids b/c they all want to be "cool" and fit in. so when one of the friends is being mean, more tend to jump in just because.
its hard, all you can do is talk to them & be aware that its all kids at some point. a lot of parents are in denial that their kids can be down right nasty- its better to address the situation and stay on top of it rather than ignoring it.
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| Posted 5/17/10 11:28 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I think elementary school age is very different from 3-4 year olds - Kids in Elem School really start to 'get' that whole popular/cool thing -
I don't agree that a 3 or 4 year old should 'know' better, but I DO agree that they should be taught IMMEDIATELY -
My Mother's famous line for my WHOLE entire life was "What you wouldn't want done to you, don't do to anyone else ........." From Pre School through College - LOL
CONSTANTLY - "How would YOU feel if so and so did/said that to you?" "Would you like it if A B C D ??"
A 3 or 4 year old may not just 'know' - I have no idea, I never studied childhood development - but I can tell you if I EVER heard my kid say something like that I'd IMMEDIATELY pull him aside to talk to him about his behavior -
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:07 PM |
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Reese1106
Family of 4! :o)
Member since 8/06 6655 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by MST9106
This is absolutely heartbreaking But unfortunately, this is the age where it all starts...it is so important for parents to intervene and teach the children. I always follow my son on the playground and when I see him either hogging the slide or being rude, I always make him apologize and I talk to him about being polite, considerate and nice to other children. It is the nature of their behavior at that age, yes, but it is also nurture...parents need to be involved and monitor their behavior.
ETA: Some children exhibit that leader behavior, which is great, but I think its important to teach them that yes, they can be leaders but that they also have to be nice and respectful of others.
I completely agree.
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:26 PM |
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nbc188
Best friends!
Member since 12/06 23090 total posts
Name:
C
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by beautyq115
I am petrified of this especially with two girls I tell you home schooling is looking really good
ITA (well, almost 2 girls  ). This makes me so upset.
IMO it all boils down to the parenting. If my DD ever said those types of things in my presence or I was made aware of them, there would serious discussions and educating (even more so than I would already be doing). This is NOT acceptable behavior.
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:28 PM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by MarisaK
I think elementary school age is very different from 3-4 year olds - Kids in Elem School really start to 'get' that whole popular/cool thing -
I don't agree that a 3 or 4 year old should 'know' better, but I DO agree that they should be taught IMMEDIATELY -
My Mother's famous line for my WHOLE entire life was "What you wouldn't want done to you, don't do to anyone else ........." From Pre School through College - LOL
CONSTANTLY - "How would YOU feel if so and so did/said that to you?" "Would you like it if A B C D ??"
A 3 or 4 year old may not just 'know' - I have no idea, I never studied childhood development - but I can tell you if I EVER heard my kid say something like that I'd IMMEDIATELY pull him aside to talk to him about his behavior -
I've rammed this into Alex's head since she was very little - always trying to give her examples, reminding her of a time when her feelings were hurt by another child, and telling her that her actions could do the same to someone else. And, I relate it back to DH and I as well - if she's mean to him, I tell her that Daddy is my friend, and that she is hurting my feelings as well when she's mean to him, and that if it continues, I won't play with her.
I think, I hope, as a result, Alex doesn't exhibit much of this behavior herself, or at least, I haven't seen it. Frankly though, what worries me is that she has become the target of this behavior all too often lately, just as I was at her age, and continuing throughout high school, and I know what a toll it took on my self-esteem and emotional well-being
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:35 PM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by nbc188
IMO it all boils down to the parenting. If my DD ever said those types of things in my presence or I was made aware of them, there would serious discussions and educating (even more so than I would already be doing). This is NOT acceptable behavior.
ITA
I have met a 4yr old who is not disciplined when saying rude things...and she continues to say them (of course)
I've met other kids who are well behaved...I think the major difference here is parenting. You have to be responsible for what your child is learning to be acceptable or not. JMO.
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:36 PM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by Bxgell2
Posted by MarisaK
I think elementary school age is very different from 3-4 year olds - Kids in Elem School really start to 'get' that whole popular/cool thing -
I don't agree that a 3 or 4 year old should 'know' better, but I DO agree that they should be taught IMMEDIATELY -
My Mother's famous line for my WHOLE entire life was "What you wouldn't want done to you, don't do to anyone else ........." From Pre School through College - LOL
CONSTANTLY - "How would YOU feel if so and so did/said that to you?" "Would you like it if A B C D ??"
A 3 or 4 year old may not just 'know' - I have no idea, I never studied childhood development - but I can tell you if I EVER heard my kid say something like that I'd IMMEDIATELY pull him aside to talk to him about his behavior -
I've rammed this into Alex's head since she was very little - always trying to give her examples, reminding her of a time when her feelings were hurt by another child, and telling her that her actions could do the same to someone else. And, I relate it back to DH and I as well - if she's mean to him, I tell her that Daddy is my friend, and that she is hurting my feelings as well when she's mean to him, and that if it continues, I won't play with her.
I think, I hope, as a result, Alex doesn't exhibit much of this behavior herself, or at least, I haven't seen it. Frankly though, what worries me is that she has become the target of this behavior all too often lately, just as I was at her age, and continuing throughout high school, and I know what a toll it took on my self-esteem and emotional well-being
Maybe you can explain to her that sometimes kids/people aren't always nice...sometimes they have other problems so they take it out on others, or they haven't been taught how to be nice to people, etc....and that its NOT her fault, and we just have to try hard and not let it bother us...to focus on the positives.....I guess whatever you can do to focus on the good
I am SO not looking forward to this stage with DD
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| Posted 5/17/10 12:39 PM |
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curley999
Family!
Member since 5/05 2314 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
It is sad how early this behavior begins. I have a 5 yr DD in kindergarden and an almost 3 yr and their personalities could not be more different. I sometimes wonder how much we can change them regarding inate empathy, sympathy, socialization ect..
I am fearful my 5 yr DD is becoming a 'mean girl' as a method of survival at school. The ratio of girls to boys is very low. 6 girls : 13 boys in each of the 3 K classes. Having that small of a girl group seems to bring on drama. My DD is not the leader but seems to want to be accepted by the leader(s) and will be mean to others. However it def seems to go both ways where she also comes home upset that other kids were mean to her.
Elementry school is a whole new world and it is VERY hard to teach them how to not be a target but also not be a mean girl. I fear it will only get worse. I am very gratful that DD school has a strict no bulling policy that does work.
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| Posted 5/17/10 1:07 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Oh Beth, I'm sorry Alex had such a hard time. She is such a sweet, sensitive, kind girl. I'm so glad she had fun with Jordy.
What I told Jordana early on is that if someone isn't nice to her- just tell them you don't want to play with them if they won't be nice and walk away. She did that to her "best friend" in March at a birthday party and that girl went into hysterics and followed Jordana around the party trying to apologize, but Jordana wouldn't hear it until the end of the party.
I've seen Jordana tease her cousin. Sometimes when she gets frustrated she says "I'm not your best friend anymore" or- to me "I don't love you anymore." I know for Jordana its because she doesn't have the words to express her frustration. Sometimes its just for a reaction. But its not acceptable. When its me, I just ignore it. And honestly, I told her cousin the same thing I told Jordy- if she is being mean, say I don't want to play with you and walk away. Thankfully, its only been a couple times with her cousin and just light teasing. But I do NOT want my daugther to be the mean girl.
We all know that the "mean girl" does it for attention and insecurity- and the builly takes it because of insecurity. If we teach our daugthers (and sons) to be proud of themselves, to stick up for themselves verbally - then hopefully, we can get rid of the mean girls and bullied kids once and for all!
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| Posted 5/18/10 11:50 AM |
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JChia
Mom of 2 Princesses
Member since 9/07 2540 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by MAC222
So, I walked up to the girl who was alone, and I asked her why she wasn't playing with the other girls until daddy picked her up She told me "They said no, because I don't wear dresses."
This broke my heart....
 to your girl - I'm terrified of watching DD go through this too - I was very shy when I was a girl and I'm afraid DD will take after me too...
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| Posted 5/18/10 12:52 PM |
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bayla
Love my two kiddos :)
Member since 8/06 7178 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
sorry she is going through this I have to say its boys too. my nephew is 5 and was always such a sweetheart to my son who is almost 3. But literally the month my nephew turned 5, he started being very mean to my son, literally telling him he didnt want to play with him, that he was a baby it broke my heart to see the look on my sons face as he didnt quite get why his beloved couisn suddenly didnt want to play with him. My SIL tries to step in when my nephew is being that way, but it makes it so uncomfortable for me, b/c I dont want to overstep my boundaries by saying something, but I need to protect my son. Also my nephew is on the spectrum, so I have to remind myself that, that he prob can't help some of the behavior either b/c he has social issues.
Now it's a couple months later and he pretty much ignores my DS, which i rather. My other nephew (his brother) is 6, and hes much nicer to my son.
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| Posted 5/18/10 1:07 PM |
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ChrisDee
My Girls
Member since 11/06 9543 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by dm24angel
Posted by MAC222
Posted by dm24angel
Posted by MAC222
My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.
***************************************************************
I really hate to do this, but in no way is it age appropriate to do say any of these things. A 4 year old absolutely knows better. I don't want to start something, but this really got me.
I have to respectfully disagree. I'm not a qualified expert but I remember from my early childhood ed classes that what I posted was true. the 3-6 age is called the honest age, 7-10 the questioning stage.
4 yr olds understand other peoples emotions ONLY when it affects THEM.
Meaning a 4 yr old will say to a crying child " why are you crying?" And give them a hug..When it affects them...meaning they want to play with this child, it is a relative they have feelings for etc. IT is still a self absorbed age.
For ex. At Halloween , a 3, 4, 5 yr old will say when they get a piece of candy they dont like.. "eww, this is gross, I dont want this". Same principle.
You have to explain to a 3, 4, 5 yr old in their life, referencing them why it hurts, is wrong etc if you want to change that behavior.
eta- and dont get me wrong, just b/c I say it is age appropriate does not mean you should "allow" it. No-one ( of any age) can learn without being taught.
The 2 ideas you posted, were different. First, as I understand, you were saying that a 4 year old calls someone fat, becaaue it age appropriate, and doesn't know any better...which is what I disagree with, and I think that they can sympathize at 4 with someone else's feelings, and have full understanding that it is mean, or wrong
Next, you said that they will say they don't like a piece of Halloween candy, which is fine, but totally different. I think you are trying to say that they are honest, etc, which is fine, but not to call someone fat, ugly, hate them, etc, that is never age appropriate, and I can't be convinced that it is.
I explained how they don't understand the meaning of Fat in terms of hurting someone.
If your mind is set , then Ok, but that is what I learned.
Whats MOST important is teaching them, I know we can both agree with that.
I just need to add my 2 cents to this. My DD was teased relentlessly for about 2 months by a boy in her kindergarten class(she was 5, I believe he was 4) He kept calling her fat and ugly. He would tell her everyday when she ate lunch and/or snack things like, "Keep eating, I can see you getting fatter" He would say she was so ugly that his eyes hurt. When the teacher finally confronted him and his parents, his answer as to why he did it. Because I do not like her and I was hoping that she would cry. He also said he did it because he liked to and thought it was funny that she got so upset. He also said he did it because he thinks she is fat and ugly. So I do not believe for one second, he did not understand how it would hurt her. Oh and by the way, she is not fat(or ugly) he was just a little b a s t a r d.
Message edited 5/18/2010 1:09:10 PM.
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| Posted 5/18/10 1:08 PM |
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sleepie76
enjoying every minute
Member since 12/07 3881 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I can honestly say the mean girls in high school... were mean in kindergarten. They just got better at it.
What I find funny is that those mean girls in school are now teachers.
I hope they are nicer now 
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| Posted 5/18/10 1:23 PM |
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by sleepie76
I can honestly say the mean girls in high school... were mean in kindergarten. They just got better at it.
What I find funny is that those mean girls in school are now teachers.
I hope they are nicer now
I wonder if I know the same people. I noticed the same thing. 
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| Posted 5/18/10 2:12 PM |
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LoriH
There's no place like home
Member since 8/07 4110 total posts
Name:
Lori
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I do not think this is exclusive to girls. Boys act out in this way as well. I see it constantly at a play place DD and I frequent. When it happens I take the opportunity to help her understand why that behavior is wrong and reinforce good behavior.
To me there are so many things at play. One is some children are born with personality traits that make them susceptible to this kind of behavior. However, the most important aspect is what they learn. I think at the core children are sweet and innocent. They learn from their environment. Their parents, TV and other children they associate with all help reinforce behavior good or bad. Also you can drill good behavior into a child's head a million times over but if you are not practicing what you preach they will pick up on the example being set and not the lesson being taught.
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| Posted 5/18/10 2:30 PM |
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megsm3
Life is Good!!
Member since 8/06 3867 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
It is definitely true that mean girls can start young - I use this article in my psychology classes
I always say that I just hope my girls are nice to everyone
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| Posted 5/18/10 4:25 PM |
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johnsae
Sip.
Member since 3/06 18677 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
I've seen this too. It makes me sick and I don't know how to deal with it. A few weeks ago we were at a BBQ and the girls were older than DD and were all family members. They kept saying to DD" what are you staring at?" and then would yell "secret time!" and go into a corner and whisper. It was so mean and made me truly dread these kinds of situations.
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| Posted 5/18/10 5:11 PM |
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stickydust
Now a mommy of 2!!!
Member since 4/06 3164 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
dd, who is 3, has recently been subjected to some of this behavior as well. It breaks my heart.
I definately see it more where the child had an older, school aged sibling at home.
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| Posted 5/18/10 5:14 PM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
Name:
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
Posted by ChrisDee
Posted by dm24angel
Posted by MAC222
Posted by dm24angel
Posted by MAC222
My 4 yr old niece will call you Fat, Big, tell you she hates your outfit, she just doesnt know any better. Thats age appropriate.
***************************************************************
I really hate to do this, but in no way is it age appropriate to do say any of these things. A 4 year old absolutely knows better. I don't want to start something, but this really got me.
I have to respectfully disagree. I'm not a qualified expert but I remember from my early childhood ed classes that what I posted was true. the 3-6 age is called the honest age, 7-10 the questioning stage.
4 yr olds understand other peoples emotions ONLY when it affects THEM.
Meaning a 4 yr old will say to a crying child " why are you crying?" And give them a hug..When it affects them...meaning they want to play with this child, it is a relative they have feelings for etc. IT is still a self absorbed age.
For ex. At Halloween , a 3, 4, 5 yr old will say when they get a piece of candy they dont like.. "eww, this is gross, I dont want this". Same principle.
You have to explain to a 3, 4, 5 yr old in their life, referencing them why it hurts, is wrong etc if you want to change that behavior.
eta- and dont get me wrong, just b/c I say it is age appropriate does not mean you should "allow" it. No-one ( of any age) can learn without being taught.
The 2 ideas you posted, were different. First, as I understand, you were saying that a 4 year old calls someone fat, becaaue it age appropriate, and doesn't know any better...which is what I disagree with, and I think that they can sympathize at 4 with someone else's feelings, and have full understanding that it is mean, or wrong
Next, you said that they will say they don't like a piece of Halloween candy, which is fine, but totally different. I think you are trying to say that they are honest, etc, which is fine, but not to call someone fat, ugly, hate them, etc, that is never age appropriate, and I can't be convinced that it is.
I explained how they don't understand the meaning of Fat in terms of hurting someone.
If your mind is set , then Ok, but that is what I learned.
Whats MOST important is teaching them, I know we can both agree with that.
I just need to add my 2 cents to this. My DD was teased relentlessly for about 2 months by a boy in her kindergarten class(she was 5, I believe he was 4) He kept calling her fat and ugly. He would tell her everyday when she ate lunch and/or snack things like, "Keep eating, I can see you getting fatter" He would say she was so ugly that his eyes hurt. When the teacher finally confronted him and his parents, his answer as to why he did it. Because I do not like her and I was hoping that she would cry. He also said he did it because he liked to and thought it was funny that she got so upset. He also said he did it because he thinks she is fat and ugly. So I do not believe for one second, he did not understand how it would hurt her. Oh and by the way, she is not fat(or ugly) he was just a little b a s t a r d.
Wow...this kid sounds like a real jerk. How awful that your dd had to hear those things...
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| Posted 5/18/10 5:17 PM |
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Karebaby
Precious
Member since 10/06 5304 total posts
Name:
Karyn
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Re: This may cause flames... but... question about "mean girls"
We experience this alot. My daughter is the kind of kid that walks up to everyone and wants to be friends. It breaks my heart when some girls ignore her or don't want to play with her. Or even worse, like you said, when she wants to show them something she thinks is great and that she's super excited about and another girl tells her it is dumb.
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| Posted 5/18/10 5:42 PM |
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