WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Okay i need an opinion on this.

So i have 3 boys: ages 10, 7 and 4.
My brother and SIL have 2 girls: ages 12 and 7.

We have them over the day after christmas for dinner and to exchange gifts for the kids.

When my brother used to be in charge of getting their gifts, he did a great job. The past 3-4 years my SIL has taken over that job.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful and i'm sure i'll come across that way, but she gets them awful awful stuff. Like dollar store items. Like she still sees them as babies. I've coached my kids over the years to be polite, say nothing but smile and say thank you. But it's getting so hard.

My 10 year old they got him a board game which is fine, a fake lego that says 4+ on the box and a $20 bill.
My 7 year old they got a coloring book, a frosty ornament, a candy cane, paw patrol puzzle that says 3+ on the box, a tiny pin ball game (the small tiny cheap ones), a magic pen avenger book for like a 2 year old, and a fake lego that says 4+ on the box.
My 4 year old got some avenger figures, a candy cane, tiny paw patrol puzzle and goofy glasses.

I get my nieces $250 worth of stuff each. I'm a really good shopper so i only spend about $100 each. I have them send me lists every year so i get them what they want and i take the time to do so. I want to get them things they like. We don't have other family so i'm all they have. I go overboard, i realize, but they don't get gifts from anyone else other than their parents.

I send my brother and SIL my boys wishlists each year as i do the rest of the families. I don't care if they don't get anything off it but to at least see what they're into.
I honestly feel like she went to the store today to the dollar section of target or Five Below and got whatever was left over on clearance.
It hurts. I'm sad for my kids. My middle child said 3 times today "i didn't get a toy. there's no toy mom." I of course tried to extinguish it quickly but it's hard. He went over and played with my 4 year old's empty box. An empty box!

so WWYD?
1- Do i try to mention it to my brother somehow and risk him being offended, which i know he would be. Him and i have a very strained relationship over the years, although it's much better as we've gotten older these past couple of years.
2- Do i tell them maybe we should skip exchanging gifts next year?
3- or do i just say nothing and continue on?

I don't mean to whine or sound like a brat. It's just frustrating and upsetting. It's not about money because they claim they're making millions in real estate. It's not about the money aspect either as to how much or how little they spent. I mean they could have given them a football, baseball or any sports ball and they would have been happy. Spend $20 each on 1 item and that would have been better. One quality item.

so how would you handle it?

Message edited 12/26/2018 10:56:00 PM.

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts?

This is tough. I would be upset for my kids. The fact that you send him a list and they don't use it even as a guide is strange. I personally wouldn't say anything. Maybe drop subtle hints as to when and where you shop for deals but otherwise your brother might be very offended. I might even make indirect comments about sticking to your nieces' list but other than that I wouldn't say much else.

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts?

Speak to your brother

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I'd be upset, too. It just seems that they're not thoughtful gift-givers. Almost like they're buying gifts because they have to, not because they care what others think or what would make them happy. I just feel badly that you go out of your way for them and buy them what they want off of their list.
I just don't think they will change, even if you do talk to your brother. Maybe, next year, have a "gift card grab bag" where everyone has to put a $25 gift card in for a store on someone's list and everyone pulls out a gift

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I don’t think you sound ungrateful. Those are weird things to give as gifts. Beyond the fact that your kids got way less than you gave, It doesn’t sound like the “value” was evenly distributed among your children, either. The oldest got cash, a game and legos and the middle got legos, an ornament and dollar store pinball game? At that point I’d rather they get nothing at all. Do the kids get upset? I would probably teach them to laugh it off. TBH, I don’t think you can really say anothing.

DH’s family does similar crap. My SIL got DD a my first purse with a crinkly credit card and key rattle. It’s adorable but she’s 3. Well beyond rattle age. Step MIL gave her coloring books and MIL gave her nothing. I would never say anything and yes, she has plenty, but it’s still so odd to me.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I would not say anything and just buy less for your nieces next year.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

This was me growing up. Only my uncle picked out my brothers gifts and my aunt got me and my sister.

One year in high school my bro got a Tommy Hilfiger sweater (cool in the 90s!) and me and my sister got jean Nate perfume (that grandmothers wear). We tried to return it to Kmart and they said they hadn’t sold it in years.

As a kid, I would get so mad. Especially seeing my mom give them a small, nice gift and 50-100 cash. Money was tight for us, I worked full time in high school!

I used to complain to my mom and she would say that she wants to treat her niece and nephew and it’s not their fault. She can’t control my wacky aunt.

I never liked that answer of course lol but I guess I better understand now as an adult. Life isn’t fair. You don’t get to pick your relatives. The “stuff” in life isn’t actually that important. Some people just reallllly suck at gift giving. Is this person generally thoughtful and caring in other ways?

I think you can either speak to your brother, but run the risk of starting family drama. If he cared, he should have involved himself and at least put cash in the card.

Or, you can tone down your gifts. But I guess that goes against the spirit of giving.

What about donating the junk to charity/kids less fortunate and taking your kids out to a nice lunch/activity as a reward for their giving?

Just thought this might be a helpful perspective.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

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Message edited 6/4/2019 8:33:35 PM.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I definitely wouldn’t say anything. Nothing good would come from doing that.

I would cut back on how much you spend on them and instead get something additional for your kids. This way when your kids are opening gifts they aren’t disappointed.

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I would say no more exchanging. If your brother asks why then bring it up. There is no reason to put you or your kids through that

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I'm sorry but are they oblivious? Don't they feel like jerks while their kids open up awesome presents and your kids get dollar store crap? I would definitely mention it to your brother because I think they'd have to be pretty damn obtuse not to see it.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

What about suggesting next year to do something with all of the kids instead of exchanging?

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I would give less to your nieces going forward and not say anything.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Unfortunately, I think talking to your brother about it will only make things awkward and I don't see anything good coming of it.

I would do 2 things:

1. Spend less on your nieces. Get them similar stuff to what your SIL gets your kids. Maybe not quite as cheap, but along the same lines so it evens things out a little more.

2. Get something for all the kids that they can play with together the day you see your brother...that way no one feels left out like they didn't get a toy. Like that pie in the face game or something similar that they can all enjoy together. Wrap it up and just say it's for "all the kids to play with today" sort of thing, that way even if your kids are disappointed in what they got from their Aunt and Uncle, they all have something to look forward to and keep them entertained.

Message edited 12/27/2018 9:21:28 AM.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Why did the oldest get cash and not the younger two? Why didn't they just pool the money and give all the kids one big nice box of legos together rather than smaller sets of fake legos? It really sounds like she did just go to the dollar store, like it was an after thought. Honestly, I would reciprocate that for their kids next year and see what happens... or just give like $25 cash to each kid since I'm not sure I'd be able to do that either lol. Maybe it would be a wake up call though

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

Next year can you be very specific and say x wants this game, y wants this item. Make them inexpensive, like $20. Better to get a $20 item they want than a bunch of small things they won't use. And dial it back for your nieces, 1 item each.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I wouldn’t say anything. Is there anyway you can save a few gifts from Santa and they could save a few gifts from Santa? That way you can just give your kids their gifts and they can give their kids their gifts. Say something like it’s a leftover Santa party.

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

You can't say anything. It will only cause embarrassment and hard feelings. You just need to continue to buy the gifts for your nieces if that is what you choose and use it as a teaching moment for your kids. I am sure they are getting a ton of gifts from Santa so they really don't "need" anything. All growing up we had the same problem. My aunt would give us the junkiest gifts. Or would buy one thing and tell me and my sister to share (like a precious moments figurine) lol. We knew not to expect much and we actually found it funny and to this day, we talk about some of the gifts.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

You really can't say anything. I can't even imagine how that conversation would go.
Um, hey, John, you really give my kids shittty gifts, can you up your game next year?
LOL

To be honest- if they think it's acceptable now, they aren't going to change. A tiger doesn't change it's stripes.

I might suggest not exchanging next year.
See what he says.

or just suck it up and maybe scale back what you get for his kids.

It stinks but it is what it is.

Re: WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I don't think anything good will come out of you saying anything.

I do like the idea of the families getting together to see a show or do an activity. This could become a family tradition.

Couple of other ideas:
1- If you are a great shopper...why don't you tell them that you got xyz gift for *child* and it was on such a great sale. Suggest that the gift you got, could be from them.
2-Go shopping with your sister in law and help her pick out the gifts

WWYD re: crappy xmas gifts for your kids?

I would not give them a list of toys they wants unless they specifically ask for one. If you know your child really wants something, then you can get it for them or tell a relative who does asked for suggestions. I know you're coming from a good place with being so generous with your nieces. But I wonder if their parents maybe dont want you to buy them so much? People have been overly generous with my kids over the years and it actually bothers me and dh bc they already have and get so much stuff as it is, that I really dont like them getting tons more stuff from other people. Or maybe they have limited finances and cant afford to be as generous with your kids? Maybe next year try to agree on a spending limit so at least it feels more even from your end. Before we had kids dh and I used to go all out for his niece and nephews and spend about 100 per kid. But now that we have kids, their parents get them very small gifts, but that's ok with us. We just agree on a price point per kid ($10-20) so each kids gets something to open but no one breaks the bank, and also we dont contribute a ton of extra clutter to each others home since all of our kids already get so much from grandparents, santa, extended family, etc.