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Katareen
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Member since 4/10 7180 total posts
Name:
Katherine
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
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Posted 10/1/17 8:22 AM  |
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marianne13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 6/10 887 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I would not take the gift back, even if she returned it without asking. I would tell her to keep it. If she has another shower, you can always send a smaller gift.
If I attended a shower, I'm assuming I ate the food, and drank the alcohol which someone paid for. Should I then reimburse that person for that? In the end, who cares about a $50-100 gift..it's so not worth troubling someone whose life most likely has just been turned upside-down.
Message edited 10/1/2017 10:52:32 PM.
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| Posted 10/1/17 11:29 AM |
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Chai77
Brighter days ahead
Member since 4/07 7364 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I don't understand her potentially "offering" back the gift. Is she going to call each guest up and ask if they want their gift back?
If that does happen, I'd say just keep it. It's too tacky and weird to say yeah, send me my gift back.
If she does automatically send it back or reimburse in some other way, honestly, I'd accept it back.
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| Posted 10/1/17 12:59 PM |
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blu6385
Member since 5/08 8351 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I have been here.
The last thing I thought about was returning any gifts.
We did end up getting married so I didn't need to return but again it wasn't even on my radar.
I would never expect nor want my gift back it is what it is.
Honestly I am so sick of everything being about etiquette (not just this situation) people need to lighten up
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| Posted 10/1/17 2:29 PM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7993 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by Katareen
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
what's the difference why it was called off, calling it off is calling it off. Why would it matter if it was due to infidelity. Most likely you and others would never know the true reason to call it off.
To me it also shouldn't matter as to who called it off. The gifts are for BOTH not him only or her, Its so they can start a life together
Message edited 10/1/2017 6:30:49 PM.
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| Posted 10/1/17 6:29 PM |
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Peainapod
Peanuts are here!
Member since 1/09 13591 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
DH's cousin had a bridal shower a few years ago and then called off the engagement a few weeks later. We had given her a gift card to wherever it was she registered. Her mom mailed us a check back for the amount of the gift card.
I think its the right thing to do to return the gifts, not offer to return them. Just return them. they were given with the intention of starting a life and house together. that didnt happen.
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| Posted 10/1/17 8:09 PM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by Peainapod
DH's cousin had a bridal shower a few years ago and then called off the engagement a few weeks later. We had given her a gift card to wherever it was she registered. Her mom mailed us a check back for the amount of the gift card.
I think its the right thing to do to return the gifts, not offer to return them. Just return them. they were given with the intention of starting a life and house together. that didnt happen.
Think of it this way though - You go to a 50th birthday party. You give a $50 gift card to a restaurant. The person drops dead two weeks later. Should the spouse return the gift card? Clearly the recipient won't be able to use it. Or should she try to put her life back together, that's now in shambles?
Maybe people don't understand what it feels like to call off a wedding but it's terrible - you are having one of the most public, humiliating break ups you will ever know. You aren't thinking about someone being offended that you didn't take the time to send the gift back. Not to mention most showers I have hosted cost $30-$40 per head plus the invites, favors etc. I would just consider the gift the "cost" of attending that lunch or whatever and call it a day.
People are just so petty. People actually have the time and energy to get upset about something like not getting a gift back while someone else is suffering? Have some compassion.
Message edited 10/1/2017 9:46:10 PM.
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| Posted 10/1/17 9:45 PM |
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Katareen
5,000 Posts!
Member since 4/10 7180 total posts
Name:
Katherine
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by hmm
Posted by Katareen
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
what's the difference why it was called off, calling it off is calling it off. Why would it matter if it was due to infidelity. Most likely you and others would never know the true reason to call it off.
To me it also shouldn't matter as to who called it off. The gifts are for BOTH not him only or her, Its so they can start a life together
If matters because I think it's completely ballsy to sit there and accept $2,000 of gifts for a wedding that you know you shouldn't be having, and waste the time and money of your friends/family.
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| Posted 10/1/17 11:10 PM |
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dianadrw
LIF Adult
Member since 5/06 2092 total posts
Name:
Me
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wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Are we seriously sitting here saying that a bride to be who had her wedding called off must now return gifts? The most important thing in the world is getting your $50 gift back? Please. The girl has more important things to worry about. As a pp mentioned, she is now dealing with the most humiliating break up ever. Try and show some compassion.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:12 AM |
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twizzlers
LIF Adolescent
Member since 11/14 874 total posts
Name:
x
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by dianadrw
Are we seriously sitting here saying that a bride to be who had her wedding called off must now return gifts? The most important thing in the world is getting your $50 gift back? Please. The girl has more important things to worry about. As a pp mentioned, she is now dealing with the most humiliating break up ever. Try and show some compassion.
Bigger things going on in the world right now then if you get your blender or whatever back. Big deal.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:14 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I feel like if I give you a gift- it's yours.
It's off my radar.
I would never expect it back for any reason to be honest.
It's a sunk cost and I move on
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:16 AM |
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VickiC
Rocking the party
Member since 5/05 4937 total posts
Name:
Vicki
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by NervousNell
For those saying send tbe gifts back...how do you mean? Like box up the toaster oven or china place setting and ship it back to people? That could get very pricey with shipping costs
Or personally bring them back to people?
Logistically....unless its cash or a gift card...its a bit difficult to do
My cousin called off her wedding 3 weeks before the ceremony. She sent Visa gift cards to everyone who gave her a physical gift and/or cash for their wedding. She didn't think about it, she just did it. It's the right thing to do.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:18 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by VickiC
Posted by NervousNell
For those saying send tbe gifts back...how do you mean? Like box up the toaster oven or china place setting and ship it back to people? That could get very pricey with shipping costs
Or personally bring them back to people?
Logistically....unless its cash or a gift card...its a bit difficult to do
My cousin called off her wedding 3 weeks before the ceremony. She sent Visa gift cards to everyone who gave her a physical gift and/or cash for their wedding. She didn't think about it, she just did it. It's the right thing to do.
Yes. If the bride wants to do that and takes it upon herself that's fine. What I meant was, I just wouldn't expect it that's all...and I wouldn't look down on or judge her for not sending it back.
Message edited 10/2/2017 9:21:40 AM.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:21 AM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I would never ask for a gift back. I would also not refuse to take back a gift if she gave it to me.
I'm also not giving multiple bridal shower gifts to the same bride. I'm not petty, just poor.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:24 AM |
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evrythng4areason
And then there were 4
Member since 1/10 5224 total posts
Name:
Kayla
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wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
I have been in this situation. The gifts were used, as we moved in together a month before our wedding. It was my first apartment, and I was incredibly excited. He left me 9 days before we were supposed to get married, out of nowhere (if the reason mattered for our guests, I never got a solid reason myself, so good luck).
I left the gifts from his side, and took the ones from my side. I didn't give them back, but everyone told me to keep them before it even became an issue. I have no clue what he did with the gifts from his side, as I never spoke to him again.
Honestly, if anybody were to be bitter/think I handled the situation wrong, I would have cut them out of my life. These people were supposed to be my closest friends and family, and were supposed to be valuable people in my life. If they cared more about a $50 gift than my emotional well being, to hell with them quite honestly.
I did end up getting married two years later. I had 12 people at a small shower my best friend hosted, as I didn't feel totally right having another one. Dh was doing everything for the first time though, so I still wanted to do something small. From my side, I had my mother, my sister, and two close friends. My mother gave me a smaller gift this time, but I still had the last gift.
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| Posted 10/2/17 9:44 AM |
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lightblue
LIF Adult
Member since 1/17 2249 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by itsagoodlife
She should not ask. She should just send.
But if she doesn't, then I would let it go.
How sad 
This
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| Posted 10/2/17 11:18 AM |
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jlm2008
LIF Adult
Member since 1/10 5092 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by Katareen
Posted by hmm
Posted by Katareen
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
what's the difference why it was called off, calling it off is calling it off. Why would it matter if it was due to infidelity. Most likely you and others would never know the true reason to call it off.
To me it also shouldn't matter as to who called it off. The gifts are for BOTH not him only or her, Its so they can start a life together
If matters because I think it's completely ballsy to sit there and accept $2,000 of gifts for a wedding that you know you shouldn't be having, and waste the time and money of your friends/family.
So with that rational, when you get divorced which over 60% of marriages end in divorce, you should reimburse EVERY guest at your wedding for the gift they gave you. Please , have compassion. Until you've been through it, like I have, having an engagement end days before the wedding is one of the most devastating things that ever happened to me. It took me years to pick up the pieces. If you get afford to lose a $50 gift from BBB, maybe you shouldn't attend in first place.
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| Posted 10/2/17 11:49 AM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
Name:
DiamondMama
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
ITA..same w returning wedding gifts, the person is going through so much, just keep it, if I thought enough of you to give you a present in the first place I don't need you to worry about getting it back to me, just take care of yourself in this hard time
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| Posted 10/2/17 12:12 PM |
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JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by NervousNell
I feel like if I give you a gift- it's yours.
It's off my radar.
I would never expect it back for any reason to be honest.
It's a sunk cost and I move on
ITA with this.
Normally I am a stickler for etiquette (I still do handwritten thank you notes) but honestly in this situation if a gift giver is really worried about it they really need to rethink their priorities.
I feel the same way about thank you notes after funerals. I think it's a terrible custom. Someone is grieving and they have to sit there and write a million notes? Um no. Shouldn't be necessary. Let them be.
Basically if someone is traumatized I think they get a pass!
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| Posted 10/2/17 12:18 PM |
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mrsrainbow
LIF Adult
Member since 1/17 1465 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by NervousNell
I feel like if I give you a gift- it's yours.
It's off my radar.
I would never expect it back for any reason to be honest.
It's a sunk cost and I move on
100%.
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| Posted 10/2/17 12:28 PM |
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MC09
arrrghhh!!!!
Member since 2/09 5674 total posts
Name:
Me speaks pirate!
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by NervousNell
I feel like if I give you a gift- it's yours.
It's off my radar.
I would never expect it back for any reason to be honest.
It's a sunk cost and I move on
Same. What am I going to do with the blender/whatever I gave you that you originally picked out? Regift it? I'm too lazy to return it. Keep it. For me, it was the cost of attending your party.
In this case, is the bride postponing or canceling the wedding? 
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| Posted 10/2/17 3:00 PM |
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SusiBee
. . . . .
Member since 3/09 8268 total posts
Name:
S
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by evrythng4areason
I have been in this situation. The gifts were used, as we moved in together a month before our wedding. It was my first apartment, and I was incredibly excited. He left me 9 days before we were supposed to get married, out of nowhere (if the reason mattered for our guests, I never got a solid reason myself, so good luck).
I left the gifts from his side, and took the ones from my side. I didn't give them back, but everyone told me to keep them before it even became an issue. I have no clue what he did with the gifts from his side, as I never spoke to him again.
Honestly, if anybody were to be bitter/think I handled the situation wrong, I would have cut them out of my life. These people were supposed to be my closest friends and family, and were supposed to be valuable people in my life. If they cared more about a $50 gift than my emotional well being, to hell with them quite honestly.
I did end up getting married two years later. I had 12 people at a small shower my best friend hosted, as I didn't feel totally right having another one. Dh was doing everything for the first time though, so I still wanted to do something small. From my side, I had my mother, my sister, and two close friends. My mother gave me a smaller gift this time, but I still had the last gift.
Kind of the same her, we received gifts for our engagement, didn't reach the point of having a shower. When he broke it off, I took "my" side gifts and returned them - but everyone told me to keep them - and left "his" side at his house to do whatever with.
This was way back in 1988, just felt it the right thing to do at the time.
Now I use "my" gifts and have good memories of the people that gave them to me.
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| Posted 10/2/17 4:28 PM |
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hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7993 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by jlm2008
Posted by Katareen
Posted by hmm
Posted by Katareen
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
what's the difference why it was called off, calling it off is calling it off. Why would it matter if it was due to infidelity. Most likely you and others would never know the true reason to call it off.
To me it also shouldn't matter as to who called it off. The gifts are for BOTH not him only or her, Its so they can start a life together
If matters because I think it's completely ballsy to sit there and accept $2,000 of gifts for a wedding that you know you shouldn't be having, and waste the time and money of your friends/family.
So with that rational, when you get divorced which over 60% of marriages end in divorce, you should reimburse EVERY guest at your wedding for the gift they gave you. Please , have compassion. Until you've been through it, like I have, having an engagement end days before the wedding is one of the most devastating things that ever happened to me. It took me years to pick up the pieces. If you get afford to lose a $50 gift from BBB, maybe you shouldn't attend in first place.
I assume you are talking to me. No divorce and death as one poster stated are different issues. The questions was about giving gifts back for a wedding that has NOT taken place, a break up just after the shower.
you can think my opinion is petty, these are opinion based questions. but I still think GIFTS are FOR the couple not the individual, for the life intended not what it has become. Even if "they" paid for the hall, its still not for me to fix a broken relationship by showering someone with gifts.
I would not keep a gift knowing what the gift symbolizes JMO
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| Posted 10/2/17 4:49 PM |
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jlm2008
LIF Adult
Member since 1/10 5092 total posts
Name:
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by hmm
Posted by jlm2008
Posted by Katareen
Posted by hmm
Posted by Katareen
Posted by beachbabe
I feel if she called it off, then she should automatically send them back without asking. Even if it's monetary and not the actual gift.
If he called it off then she should keep them bc it wasn't her choice
I agree with this, that it depends on the circumstances...for example, if she sat there and opened gifts during a bridal shower while she was cheating on her fiancé, then I think she should reimburse everyone for their gifts if the wedding was called off due to her infidelity.
If her fiancé called her one day and said I don't want to get married anymore--then I would not expect a gift to be returned.
what's the difference why it was called off, calling it off is calling it off. Why would it matter if it was due to infidelity. Most likely you and others would never know the true reason to call it off.
To me it also shouldn't matter as to who called it off. The gifts are for BOTH not him only or her, Its so they can start a life together
If matters because I think it's completely ballsy to sit there and accept $2,000 of gifts for a wedding that you know you shouldn't be having, and waste the time and money of your friends/family.
So with that rational, when you get divorced which over 60% of marriages end in divorce, you should reimburse EVERY guest at your wedding for the gift they gave you. Please , have compassion. Until you've been through it, like I have, having an engagement end days before the wedding is one of the most devastating things that ever happened to me. It took me years to pick up the pieces. If you get afford to lose a $50 gift from BBB, maybe you shouldn't attend in first place.
I assume you are talking to me. No divorce and death as one poster stated are different issues. The questions was about giving gifts back for a wedding that has NOT taken place, a break up just after the shower.
you can think my opinion is petty, these are opinion based questions. but I still think GIFTS are FOR the couple not the individual, for the life intended not what it has become. Even if "they" paid for the hall, its still not for me to fix a broken relationship by showering someone with gifts.
I would not keep a gift knowing what the gift symbolizes JMO
You assume wrong, it was meant for Katareen. And I see no reason using that rational that getting divorced should be different, in that case return ALL the wedding money. And FWIW with everyone so concerned about etiquette when someones life has just fallen apart, Showers are given in honor of the bride ( Traditionally and etiquette is traditional) That means you are giving the gift to the bride, not the couple. Wanting your gift back when a wedding is called off is as petty as it gets. But Karma is a b@tch.
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| Posted 10/2/17 5:28 PM |
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Peainapod
Peanuts are here!
Member since 1/09 13591 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: wwyd? wedding is seriously postponed
Posted by lululu
Posted by Peainapod
DH's cousin had a bridal shower a few years ago and then called off the engagement a few weeks later. We had given her a gift card to wherever it was she registered. Her mom mailed us a check back for the amount of the gift card.
I think its the right thing to do to return the gifts, not offer to return them. Just return them. they were given with the intention of starting a life and house together. that didnt happen.
Think of it this way though - You go to a 50th birthday party. You give a $50 gift card to a restaurant. The person drops dead two weeks later. Should the spouse return the gift card? Clearly the recipient won't be able to use it. Or should she try to put her life back together, that's now in shambles?
Maybe people don't understand what it feels like to call off a wedding but it's terrible - you are having one of the most public, humiliating break ups you will ever know. You aren't thinking about someone being offended that you didn't take the time to send the gift back. Not to mention most showers I have hosted cost $30-$40 per head plus the invites, favors etc. I would just consider the gift the "cost" of attending that lunch or whatever and call it a day.
People are just so petty. People actually have the time and energy to get upset about something like not getting a gift back while someone else is suffering? Have some compassion.
I never said WE ASKED FOR IT BACK. I didnt care. but her mother sent it back to us, so I accepted it. Me personally, I would never ask for it back. But I think its the right thing to do is return the gifts.
Like literally a week after her shower she called it off. she knew she wasnt going through with the wedding at the time of the shower, but felt bad in calling the shower off.
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| Posted 10/2/17 8:50 PM |
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